Told me she wanted me in her life - #2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

That is what my ex told me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. She misses me like crazy. That pretty much sums it up. Missing me like a crazy person. And me too. Just the sound of her voice and I miss her like crazy too. Like an absolute crazy person. Because how could I actually miss someone who abused me for so long.

Dude, she is manipulating you, and you know it. Like I said in another post, my ex told me the same thing in a very very characteristic way that she SO hoped would work on me. She said something so specific that it was a CLEAR manipulation. The point is they'll say anything to blackmail you emotionally into submission.

And what's with their voices anyway. I LOVE her voice - it disarms me... . I have her voicemail and it brings tears to my eyes when I hear her voice... . But, it's all part of their game. They are nymphs. My dBPDexgf literally looked like a nymph pulled out of a romantic-period painting (body type, hair, angelic face with devilish facial gestures). Their whole aura is diabolical and directly derived from their emptiness. So, don't give in, man. Stay strong. You MUST take care of yourself first! Just my $0.02.

[coolioqq]

That is what my ex told me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. She misses me like crazy. That pretty much sums it up. Missing me like a crazy person. And me too. Just the sound of her voice and I miss her like crazy too. Like an absolute crazy person. Because how could I actually miss someone who abused me for so long.

Dude, she is manipulating you, and you know it. Like I said in another post, my ex told me the same thing in a very very characteristic way that she SO hoped would work on me. She said something so specific that it was a CLEAR manipulation. The point is they'll say anything to blackmail you emotionally into submission.

And what's with their voices anyway. I LOVE her voice - it disarms me... . I have her voicemail and it brings tears to my eyes when I hear her voice... . But, it's all part of their game. They are nymphs. My dBPDexgf literally looked like a nymph pulled out of a romantic-period painting (body type, hair, angelic face with devilish facial gestures). Their whole aura is diabolical and directly derived from their emptiness. So, don't give in, man. Stay strong. You MUST take care of yourself first! Just my $0.02.

[Take2]

That is what my ex told me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. She misses me like crazy. That pretty much sums it up. Missing me like a crazy person. And me too. Just the sound of her voice and I miss her like crazy too. Like an absolute crazy person. Because how could I actually miss someone who abused me for so long.

I've been feeling that exact same thing... .   missing my ex like a crazy person.  It was like I morphed into the crazy one completely with the begging him to talk to me during the silent treatment, begging him to understand that he has rewritten history to change facts to suit his anger at me, etc etc etc.  I was begging a man who is wildly mean and abusive to talk to me and come back to me?       The addiction could not have become any more clear than that... .    hang in there Willy45... .  

[Skip]

That is what my ex told me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. She misses me like crazy. That pretty much sums it up. Missing me like a crazy person. And me too. Just the sound of her voice and I miss her like crazy too. Like an absolute crazy person.

Willy,

Imagine you weren't feeling well and you went to your doctor with chest pain and he said "you're a sick SOB - man I don't know what to do for a sick SOB - maybe your bones are melting - drink more milk"

What would you say about this Dr. and your chances of healing?

Don't you want the Dr. that looks at all the facts in a clinical way and says "sir, its not a heart attack, you have acid reflux, take Nexium"

Respectfully (and I mean that  ), you sound a lot more like the first doctor than the second.  Your running on pure emotion and analyzing everything based on how it makes you feel.

I don't know how that is ever going to help you.

So I imagine a get a call from my ex (granted, I'm further out that you) and she starts telling me that I was special and she misses me and wants to be friends.

I'd be open to the call, skeptical to a healthy level, and I share some niceties back (we had something special, you're great with kids) and then I'd stay light in the conversation but ask the standard questions - how's your mom, sorry to hear the dog died, we are you working, hows your dating life?

Pretty typical.  I would do this 3 months out, 10 years out.

"Staying in touch" is not a bad thing. 

If she then said she really liked or physical relationship and missed it - the  would go up and my self protection walls would go up because this is about something more than friends and out of bounds if she has a boyfriend, or if I have a girlfriend.  One typically responds to this with something like "I have a girlfriend now, and we are doing well" or  "since your dating, this is probably not a conversation for us to have", or even just "how about them Chicago Bears".   

Right?

Even if there is no one else involved and I wanted to explore getting together with this person and we are broken up, I would cool it down big time.  Maybe say, "hey I've got to run, I'll be home on Sunday if you want to chat then".  Maybe after a few calls, and lots of soul searching,  I might agree to meet for coffee.  Given the volatility you both had, I most likely would let it go.

This conversation happens a 1,000 times a day all over the world - ex-partners, ex wives, former classmates, reaching out with some ambiguous feelers to see if there is some connection possibility at some levels (maybe friends all the way to maybe lovers).

So yes, she sent a mixed message.  She said friends, but she teased into more personal areas.  We don't know why - could have been to get you to listen, it could have been honest but not appropriate, it could have been a test to see if you're still hanging on.  That's on her.

And yes, you did not handle this call in an appropriate way.  This is on you.

I say all this not to blame anyone  - but to help you diagnose the problem.    It's not about crazy, Willy.  It's about attachment leads to suffering - you can't let it go - you are so overwrought with grief you can't process anything related to her - maybe depression - your depression.  Maybe you pushed it below the pain below the surface for a while with NC - but you didn't resolve it.  Read your old posts - you are still carrying the same pain.

[willy45]

Hi Skip,

Thanks. I appreciate the thoughts. Here are two things that come to mind.

1) The last time she said she just wanted to friendship, the conversation went into how much she missed my c-word. Granted. This was over a year ago. But she proclaimed the same things she did this time around and then went there. After I brought it up the same way I did again this time, her response was the same. She would never fathom ever being romantically involved with me. blah blah blah.

2) This ISN'T her just wanting to chit chat and not be enemies or just staying in touch to catch up here and there. The next text I got after hanging up with her was 'Let's hang out. I would love to see you'. And then several days ago, a text asking me how she can leverage my work for her and that we should connect when I'm in town.

Now, if these aren't red flags, I don't know what is.

Is it appropriate for her to be saying all this stuff about how she misses me and how she'll never find anyone who understands her like I do when she has a boyfriend? I don't think so. Is she being open and honest with her boyfriend? Absolutely not. Not doubt in my mind. Would he know that she is talking me. Doubtful. Would he be OK with us hanging out? No.

What this is is about her pushing her way into my life every way she knows how. Ok. So maybe her intentions are not romantic. But who knows. I don't trust her. I have 7 years of experience with this person. I think I can accurately say that she is very confused, emotionally unstable, and wants me in her life in a way that isn't about chit-chatting every now and again. Trust me on that. Why else keep pushing to meet. She's pulling out all the stops such as texting me 'I just spoke to so and so and she really misses you too so wants to hang out as well' or 'I want to use your work in mine, can we get together to discuss', 'I would love to hang out with you.

These are not normal things to say to someone who told you that they were still hurting. These are just mechanisms by a crazy lunatic to keep pushing boundaries as far as she thinks they will go.

So, I'm not sure why you are still pushing this idea that she's just putting feelers out there to see if we can no longer be enemies? That isn't really productive for me. I appreciate your insights but they are a bit off here. She is not trying to just be casual friends. She stated very clearly that she wants to be "BEST FRIENDS". She wants to hang out with me. She wants to spend time with me. She wants to talk on the phone with me often and basically have the same relationship we had before minus sex.

And also, this is someone who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive with me. I don't think it is strange for me to be suspicious of her actions and not take her words on face value. I think a good reaction is to be scared as all h*ll.

Why am I freaking out? Because she won't let me be. And I clearly keep giving in to her requests time and time again. That is on me.

I appreciate the thought behind what you are saying here. But, in this context, I don't think you have a very clear picture of what's going on. This is not just a typical ex calling to catch up. This is someone who has been stalking me for 2 years consistently, won't leave me alone, uses all the fear and obligation and guilt techniques at her disposal to reel me in, all the supreme idealizing and the degredation to push and pull to get what she wants. She doesn't listen to my words but twists them around in her own mind to make herself feel better. She just pushes and pushes and pushes and will do so continually.

Why? What's her end game? I become her best friend and we sneak around her boyfriends back? Or is she actually going to tell him we are hanging out and he's going to be super cool with that. I doubt it. I know her. She has no problem with lying to everyone around her and even herself.

[Skip]

I don't think you have a very clear picture of what's going on.

Wiily,

I understand everything you are saying.  I read all your recent posts and I read a a lot of your historical posts.  I wasn't as clear at first, but your more recent posts cover the details of the few contacts that you have had since breaking up very well.

This is someone who has been stalking me for 2 years consistently, won't leave me alone, uses all the fear and obligation and guilt techniques at her disposal to reel me in, all the supreme idealizing and the degredation to push and pull to get what she wants. She doesn't listen to my words but twists them around in her own mind to make herself feel better. She just pushes and pushes and pushes and will do so continually.

If she is stalking you, you could go to the police or go to court and get a protective order.  You will ultimately need to explain why you called her, why you said you loved her, or why accepted her offer to be friends.

This may be where I think we are looking at this differently.  

You can end this tomorrow. You can spend $200 to have a lawyer send her a cease and desist letter.  You could email her some of the derogatory thoughts you have posted here about her and she would be gone forever (she said don't be mean to me).  You could block her email and phone.

Or you could take a softer approach and ignore her email and occasional call.

But you don't.  You don't want to end the communication - you want to hear from her - you want this to fix.  

These are not normal things to say to someone who told you that they were still hurting.

And you want her to make decisions that serve your feelings rather than decisions that serve her feelings.  And you want to make decisions that serve your feelings rather than decisions that serve her feelings.   

You want something that isn't reasonable to expect to be there.

This is what is torturing you.

Sure she is being a tease... . not cool.  But you have to solve your "I want you, Leave me alone" dilemma, yourself.

Remember these lyrics from the Eagles Already Gone?

So oftentimes it happens

That we live our lives in chains

And we never even know we have the key

I know this is hard. You both want something, but not the same thing.

Hang in there.

[willy45]

Yes. Thanks Skip. I understand what you are saying. I need to let go. And I am the only one who can do that. I can't rely on her yo help me do that in any way. That is something she is not capable of. But, it is something that I am. So that is what I must do.

Thanks for understanding.