Feeling sorry for myself today

[bpbreakout]

BPDw diagnosed 6 months ago by new psychiatrist having been treated for BP2 for 8 years culminating in several crisis moments about 12 months ago which lead to asking for a 2nd opinion. I have been spending a lot of time understanding the nature of the BPD. It all rings true and has answered a lot of questions for me and also made me face reality on a number of issues one of which is that I want a marriage that has a two way dialogue in it

I have stuck by BPDw through a lot of difficult family and mental health issues. She does not see it that way.

BPDw has declined the opportunity to undertake DBT which has been recommended by psychiatrist and quite openly holds me (“unsupportive”), our D15 (“rude ungrateful teen”) and her family (“rejected her”) responsible for a lot of her issues.

It appears that despite being a very high functioning, intelligent and well educated person she will never really “own” this condition or acknowledge the destructive part it plays in her life to herself or anyone else.

I had hoped that the new diagnosis and new psychiatrist with a much greater focus on FOM issues and use of therapy might lead to a new attitude to the management of her mental health but six months on I’m really almost at the point where I don’t think this will ever happen.

I am exhausted by the endless “marriage” and “relationship” problems that seem to appear from nowhere and are my fault (“useless husband”). I am no longer responding to the abuse by trying to make things better for her though it worries me that she is picking on the children more.

I would really love her to help herself treatment wise but not as the result of me issuing an ultimatum. I really don’t want to be with someone who has been forced into a corner. On the other hand I feel that I have to be honest. After 17 years and 2 children I do love her but finding her impossible to be around.

I have S12 and D15 to think about. Previously I had vaguely though that if I stuck it out until they finished high school I could re-build my life. However my growing realisation that nothing will change is making me wonder whether I should get out now before it destroys me.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

I'm sure everyone on this board knows where you are at. Once there was darkness, then there shone a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately no matter how hard you try the light never seems any closer. This leads to a state of despair and hopelessness.

To know that todays drama is not a stand alone issue but just one in a never ending process of dramas feels so sickening to the core.

You can only focus on you and the kids, you cannot change your wife.

Even the strongest will feel for sorry for themselves at times, just learning to accept this makes it easier to move through it

[123Phoebe]

Hey BPDbreakout,

If it's any consolation, I was feeling sorry for myself too, on and off all weekend long   It's funny though, because other than a couple small occurrences which were handled on the spot and really no big deal at all, the whole of the weekend was absolutely lovely!  It was ME that was off, not him   It happens.  Hormones happen  

Also, not to take away from feeling sorry for yourself (sometimes we really need to baby ourselves)... .   Realizing that in any relationship, there will be times that we might question wth we're doing there.  I think it's perfectly normal to assess our lives periodically.  The level in which we assess, might not have much to do with the other person as much as it has to do with us and what our comfort zone is and why... .

How are your kids doing?  Do they ever mention Mom's behaviors?

[bpbreakout]

Thanks 

I guess you are right that you have to assess where you are very so often and I think the next few months will be important. D15 in Yr10, S12 in yr 7 - maybe we should consider seperation before D15 gets to Y11 / 12 & major exams, have S12 settled in high school & give everyone time to adjust ? Also I would like a relationship with my children that isn't constantly overshadowed by BPDw so I'm thinking it's going to be too late before long and BPDw shows no signs she will be changing soon.

In answer to your question yes children are very concerned about their Mum's behaviour. D15 has talked about wanting to go to boarding school to get away from home and s12 is quite angry with his Mum over the latest "disregulation" which played out right in front of him (re milkshake on seperate post) and the first time he has witnessed it first hand rather than heard it from another room. Also I feel that chldren are angry with me for not fixing things.

Thanks for you concern, excercise today was really helpful & I have very supportive FOO. Hopefully will get some quiet time over Easter & school holidays.