My uBPD friend - how to end it with respect

[Depression = 72% of members]

I found myself being a better friend to her asking her by asking ":)o you want me to just listen to you or do you want me to offer advice?" and I saw myself validating her more and more than I EVER did. We were actually doing better at this point. Unfortunately my story does not have a happy ending. We continued our friendship and just this past week, it ended. Apparently the sentence "We need to talk" set her off. I found out only yesterday that this sentence will automatically put a BPD into the 'grey' area, which they don't have a capacity for and they see it as a challenge and reinforces their limits of I'm not good. My point is this: As a Non BPD is it a process of learning as you go, taking in advice and learning about BPD from it's myriad of sources, and applying them into real life, real time situations. I can't stress enough the real life, real time, because as we ALL have our emotions, values and boundaries. When she raged at me that I was not worthy of being spoken to about our problems ('I don't have to talk about s*it to anyone but my husband', 'I hate being friends with women' and 'you don't "get" me', which I do because I know about BPD).  I knew she crossed a line with my values and boundaries by controlling communications -- the huge hot spot for BPDs also. I realized that I had done what I could for this friendship. I had gone as far as I could go.  I let my feeling be known and I told her "there is nothing more I can offer you." I realized only hours later that I did the unthinkable: I reinforced her fear of abandonment. However I had to maintain my own self-esteem and my own respect. Her message to me was loaded with "Me, me, me, and what I need to take care of" along with 'No I don't hate you, in fact you have many good qualities, etc.' She ended with "I wish you the best." Even her goodbye showed “splitting.”  My response was very tactful without accusing her, defending myself against her projections (she stated that I was too needy). I used no pronouns, and I likewise, wished her the best. Within 10 minutes of sending it, I unfriended her on FB. Was I angry? Yes. Angry at myself for failing to put into practice all that I learned. Angry that realizing that 'love sometimes just isn't enough' (a typical BPD sentiment noted on MANY BPD sites/blogs). Am I disappointed? Not as much as I was a few days ago, because I processed and learned that even with best efforts, two people still may not be able to continue this challenging relationship.  I have gone from not knowing what BPD is to knowing what it is in a very short time lapse. For months I have attempted to navigate a minefield of sorts, through validation and understanding with care, compassion, respect, commitment, knowledge, and dignity. Our friendship ended with those same qualities. I really do wish her the best.

[martymcfly5]

I found myself being a better friend to her asking her by asking ":)o you want me to just listen to you or do you want me to offer advice?" and I saw myself validating her more and more than I EVER did. We were actually doing better at this point. Unfortunately my story does not have a happy ending. We continued our friendship and just this past week, it ended. Apparently the sentence "We need to talk" set her off. I found out only yesterday that this sentence will automatically put a BPD into the 'grey' area, which they don't have a capacity for and they see it as a challenge and reinforces their limits of I'm not good. My point is this: As a Non BPD is it a process of learning as you go, taking in advice and learning about BPD from it's myriad of sources, and applying them into real life, real time situations. I can't stress enough the real life, real time, because as we ALL have our emotions, values and boundaries. When she raged at me that I was not worthy of being spoken to about our problems ('I don't have to talk about s*it to anyone but my husband', 'I hate being friends with women' and 'you don't "get" me', which I do because I know about BPD).  I knew she crossed a line with my values and boundaries by controlling communications -- the huge hot spot for BPDs also. I realized that I had done what I could for this friendship. I had gone as far as I could go.  I let my feeling be known and I told her "there is nothing more I can offer you." I realized only hours later that I did the unthinkable: I reinforced her fear of abandonment. However I had to maintain my own self-esteem and my own respect. Her message to me was loaded with "Me, me, me, and what I need to take care of" along with 'No I don't hate you, in fact you have many good qualities, etc.' She ended with "I wish you the best." Even her goodbye showed “splitting.”  My response was very tactful without accusing her, defending myself against her projections (she stated that I was too needy). I used no pronouns, and I likewise, wished her the best. Within 10 minutes of sending it, I unfriended her on FB. Was I angry? Yes. Angry at myself for failing to put into practice all that I learned. Angry that realizing that 'love sometimes just isn't enough' (a typical BPD sentiment noted on MANY BPD sites/blogs). Am I disappointed? Not as much as I was a few days ago, because I processed and learned that even with best efforts, two people still may not be able to continue this challenging relationship.  I have gone from not knowing what BPD is to knowing what it is in a very short time lapse. For months I have attempted to navigate a minefield of sorts, through validation and understanding with care, compassion, respect, commitment, knowledge, and dignity. Our friendship ended with those same qualities. I really do wish her the best.

[bruised]

You've done the right thing. It's just isn't worth persisting with the friendship. It looks like you handled the breakup very well.

"I realized only hours later that I did the unthinkable: I reinforced her fear of abandonment."

That's not your fault.