Mixed up

[WhoMe51]

I haven't posted in awhile. I have been working on myself and enjoying the drama free life. But last night I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I have my ex's number blocked. But it was my ex on her car phone. I was so mad when I heard her voice. She said she wanted to talk. I told her politely that I was eating but she kept on insisting we talk. It sounded like she was driving and I figured she was driving to my house. She said that she wanted an explanation for the last four years of her life. I told her that we were split up and I didn't want to do this anymore. She kept saying she loved me and didn't want us to end. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore. And I got off the phone. Well if you said that ex dBPDgf showed up at my house then you are right. She kept professing her undying love to me. I told her that I felt numb. But it didn't matter. She kept saying she wanted to try it again. I told her that I was tired of being in this place with her. I told her that our relationship was toxic. She said but it will be different this time. She said I will talk to you more about my feelings. She left my house at 12:30 am and I still have her blocked on my phone. Once again I allowed her to cross all of my boundaries. She asked me to talk to her sometime this week. I don't believe it will change how I feel about her. Because I don't trust her not to break up with me again when she feel engulfed by our closeness. I am open to any thoughts.

[Aussie0zborn]

Glad to hear you stuck to your guns but it sounds like you are open to re-engaging - at least that's the message you're giving her.

Despite the promises, the changes they make, nothing in reality changes. The danger now I that if you resume the relationship all will go well for a while then when it starts it will be worse than it was the first time around.  From reading others' experiences here, and from my own, this seems to  show them you are weak and their next attack seems designed to punish you for that weakness.

It sounds like your mind is made up but only just. Are you clear about it being over? If so, it might be fair to let h know that too.

[WhoMe51]

Aussie,

I told her last night that I didn't want to resume the relationship. There has been too much hurt on both sides. It was like what I said fell on deaf ears. She just kept insisting that we would work out. I asked her what would be different and she said that she would be more honest and open about her feelings. I told her that every time we breakup and get back togetger is more painfu when we breakup again. I don't want to re-engage. I had her blocked for a reason. I told her that. I told her I was going to bed and she left.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Who,

It sounds like she doesn't accept your decision to be done.  What can you do to let her know you are serious about not re-engaging?

[WhoMe51]

Heart,

I could continue to remain nc with her but then she just shows up at my house. I don't know. Does she see this as a challenge to get me back? Is that what it is?

[Ihope2]

I often wonder what I would do if I were in your situation, where my soon to be ex BPDh would just arrive on my doorstep and demand to try and fix our relationship, that he has changed, that he will talk more about his feelings, etc etc.

I know that I am done with this relationship/marriage.  I know that it was based on dysfunction, both from his side and mine.

I know that I still do have feelings for him, but they are not the feelings a woman has for a man in a healthy and balanced love relationship.  My feelings are those of a human being feeling compassion and empathy for a very damaged and hurt fellow human being.  But I do not love him in the way a healthy couple love each other.  I also pity him greatly for all his childhood abuse and trauma, all his adult trauma, all his unresolved pain, all his subsequent mental illness/personality disorder.

So I think if it came down to it, I would have to tell him " I do not love you in that way.  Whatever we had together, was not working and it was not healthy for either of us.  I have walked away from a relationship with you and I do not want to rekindle any sort of relationship with you.  I do not even believe that we could be friends.  There has been too much water running under the bridge.  It is time to move on for both of us.  I wish you peace and loving kindness. But I cannot be there for you any more and I do not want anything from you any more, either. "

[heartandwhole]

I could continue to remain nc with her but then she just shows up at my house. I don't know. Does she see this as a challenge to get me back? Is that what it is?

I don't know, either.  She might be hoping to win you back, or simply panicking because she feels you pulling away.  I'm more concerned with your feelings right now.  Is there a part of you that isn't done yet?  If so, it's certainly understandable, and we're here to listen.  

If you feel that you don't want to re-engage, what are your boundaries around her coming to your house?  Is there a way you can respectfully communicate what is/isn't acceptable behavior for you?

You have choices, Who, and it's okay to put your own needs first.  Keep reflecting on what is best for you right now.    

[wanttobelieve]

Hi Who,

I totally agree with Aussie on this one Who and let me also say that it sounds like you have worked really hard on your personal recovery. We all know how hard our ex's can make it on us. It is almost impossible to fight them when they are present in the same room or even on the phone. They know exactly what strings to pull to get us to open the door back. This is why everyone says to go NC with a borderliner. You have to think about you and what you have been through in your relationship with your her. Write out all the things that you have seen in her (every example of inappropriate bad behavior, every public display, every time she flipped out, every time you had to talk her down) and then write down how that made you feel at the time and I bet you wanted to RUN... . This has really helped me during the times that I find myself thinking about all the good times that we shared.

If you are still a bit on the fence (which it sounds like) you could layout some boundaries for her. For example, and I'm sorry I haven't looked at your post history to find out if she has been diagnosed and/or is seeing a T but you could tell her that you need her to show you proof over a period of six months that she is actively working with a T and is in DBT while you work on yourself for you to even consider another try. This does a couple of things. First, it tells you if she is sincerely interested in getting healthy for her and you. Second, it buys you another six month to heal and get strong. If she is not willing to do this for her or you, I think you know that you made the right decision to walk away and look for a healthier relationship (which you will find my friend). There are a lot of absolutely wonderfully loving, funny, charming people out in this amazing world.

Let me know how things go and BTW, I think I am going to use this approach if (I mean when) my exBPDgf decides to call me to get back together. We have been NC for six weeks now after being in a 2.5 year roller coaster ride.

Take care and be strong... .

[seeking balance]

I could continue to remain nc with her but then she just shows up at my house. I don't know. Does she see this as a challenge to get me back? Is that what it is?

She is a boundary buster - why?  Because she wants what she wants... . so, it really is up to you to figure out how to stop the chaos.

Not letting her in your house is a start - just because she shows up, it does not mean you have to answer the door... . I know that is hard to do, but it sounds like she is going to make you enforce your boundaries.

I know this isn't easy - some folks have had to get restraining orders, you are not there yet probably, but it is not out of the realm of possibilities unfortunately.

Hang in there,

SB

[WhoMe51]

I never let her in my house. I went outside and there she was. I wasn't about to let her in. I don't trust her. She seems desperate and I told her that I didn't want her to cause a scene. She asked me "if I do are you gonna call the cops?"  To which I replied yes.

[seeking balance]

I never let her in my house. I went outside and there she was. I wasn't about to let her in. I don't trust her. She seems desperate and I told her that I didn't want her to cause a scene. She asked me "if I do are you gonna call the cops?"  To which I replied yes.

Good

She will push as much as she thinks she is entitled to do so... . did any other ex have to call police on her that you are aware?

[WhoMe51]

Not that I know of. She said she had to call them on her exes. But it was probably the other way around. Always in the beginning trying to get sympathy. And I gave it to her but not now.

[wanttobelieve]

Not that I know of. She said she had to call them on her exes. But it was probably the other way around. Always in the beginning trying to get sympathy. And I gave it to her but not now.

This is exactly what my exBPDgf said to me but I am with you that this is a manipulative statement to gain sympathy. I have often thought about calling her ex-husband (as inappropriate that sounds) to get the real truth behind their relationship issues. I would bet that he has some interesting stories to tell after being with her for 10 years.

Listen Who, you are in a good place so keep going with your gut and not your heart and that will tell you what to do.

NC.

Good luck my friend.