If they know they're BPD

[Emelie Emelie]

My boyfriend knows he's got BPD.  He's done a lot of reading and research but hasn't sought therapy (has read it's rarely successful which my T actually confirmed - at least when it comes to high functioning Borderlines) despite his promises to me.  He's a really smart guy.  What I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around is if he knows it.  He knows he "devalues".  Isn't there any sort of interrupt button?  Doesn't he ever think WOW I'm doing it again or I did it again?  Why does he continue to blame me (and others) for his unhappiness?  He told me "we wouldn't be in this situation if you had any idea what I need".  Does he ever think we wouldn't be in this situation if not for BPD behaviors?  He takes NO responsibility for what's happened here.  It's ALL my fault.  I don't get it.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not a matter of reasoning and choosing to change beliefs and behavior.  Beliefs are like software, changeable, while BPD is like hardware; his reality is literally hardwired into him, impossible to change.  He can learn coping techniques like DBT, which is a mix of cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness meditation, but those are learned techniques, not cures.  The challenge is borderlines feel all emotions strongly, and DBT is kind of like a learned volume knob to take the intensity down some, to learn to self soothe a little.  Lots of motivation required, and when stressed the old behaviors are bound to show up.

Bleak I know, but like alcoholism there are ways to cope that can be learned but there is no cure.  Bottom line he sees the world very differently than you and I do, because he has a mental illness.  Forgive my cyberdiagnosis, but you know what I mean.  Take care of you!

[Emelie Emelie]

I get what you're saying.  But I'm not talking about when he's stressed... . in the moment.  It's afterwards... . after his rage has passed, when  he's calmer.  Oh I know it's futile to try and make sense of any of this. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the way a borderline is wired is confusing.  Bottom line is he needs a scapegoat, someone to blame, someone to off his negative opinion of himself on, a maladaptive coping tool.  That is one of the roles you play, to him.  If he were to apologize and accept responsibility for his behavior, it would open a floodgate of all of his behaviors that he sees as so bad that he would implode in a puddle of shame.  He ain't goin' there, hurts too much.  And he couldn't see the reasoning in that; his illness is such that he can't see the illness.

[Emelie Emelie]

Ah yes.  He does feel a great deal of shame.  He can't stand to be "the bad guy".  Was so worried about what I might have told other people about him.  It's why he did, this last time, express "regret" about some of the things he said and the way he behaved.  Why he signed off "I love you."  It's why he always want to remain friends.  If he can remain friends with me (and those before me) then he's not such a bad guy, is he?  He wallows in shame.  And it does hurt.  It hurts him a great deal.  Argh Heel... . I'm trying to be angry right now and you've got me feeling empathy. 

[Ironmanrises]

Whether he knows or doesn't wont change the behavior exhibited.

[fromheeltoheal]

That's ok, I love my ex and feel empathetic towards her too.  And her behaviors were extremely painful to me, and I can't fix it.  So that leaves being angry about the abuse, being angry with myself for putting up with it, feeling all the way through the anger to the hurt underneath, feeling through that, and eventually letting go.  It is what it is.  It's a process and I'm a much better person for having gone through it, the gift, and those extra wrinkles look good on me, a little more character?  Take care of you!

[HappyNihilist]

Whether he knows or doesn't wont change the behavior exhibited.

This is, sadly, the bottom line.

My exbf knows. He has known for 20 years. He has been in therapy. (He was misdiagnosed for a long time as bipolar, but he knew that wasn't it, and figured out on his own what it was.) He is quite self-aware. He is very honest about his issues.

He still treated me like sh#t when he was triggered. He still raged at me. He still made me question my own sanity many, many times. He still did a whole lot of things that I'm not at all comfortable going into.

He felt horrible afterwards. He felt extreme guilt. He would try to project some of it onto me, but he really did take a lot of it into himself. This caused more internal emotional torment, which led to... . well, I don't need to explain it to anyone who's been there. 

I love him and feel a lot of empathy for him. I would never wish him harm (unless he comes back, in which case I might  ). But I was very, very angry at him and myself. I still do feel anger here and there. I also sometimes feel overwhelmed by empathy for him. It's OK. I let myself feel those things, process them, and go back to focusing on me.

You have to take care of yourself. 

[kfifd196]

My wife is very similar.  She knows she has a problem, but just thinks it's trust and abandonment issues.  As far as I know, no one has ever diagnosed her BPD.  I went to my own therapist, to deal with the blame she was putting on me and my T figured out it was BPD.  I was given the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and between that and this board, all I have to do is switch our names out and it's her, Rages and all.  Unfortunately, she raged one last time and split me black.  She won't look at me or even talk to me.  We live separately now and I want to help her.  I know she needs to want help, but I can't even talk to her, thanks to a restraining order she filed.  She knows I'm "on to her" and doesn't want any of her family realizing SHE's the problem in all her relationships.  I've been cleaning and found several books about Mood Swings, How to Stop Controlling People, Rage and Relationships, etc, plus she 'warned' me early on, that she had trust, abandonment and insecurity issues and even thanked me months ago for standing by her and being patient.  Now, she's devalued me, etc.  I feel if I can talk with her or her parents, we can save our marriage.  We have an almost 1 year old daughter and that makes it worth trying for.  Plus, I love my wife and want to support her, even though she denies I support her.  I'm not even allowed to talk to her parents, thanks to the R.O.  Do I have any recourse?  What can I do to save my marriage? 

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Kfifd... . I wish I could tell you how to save your marraige.  What I can tell you is this:  If you do reconcile with her there's probably going to be a lot of pain and turmoil and drama in your life.  I know how overwhelming the desire to stop the current pain is.  I also know how difficult it is when you feel as if you have no control over the outcome.  It's excrutiating and I understand completely.  I can also tell you the first time I split with my X I was positive he was done with me forever.  I felt like he hated me.  He came back.  It seems like 90% of the time they come back.  If you can get through this difficult time... . perhaps you'll be in a different place and be able to make better decisions for yourself and your daughter?