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« on: April 23, 2014, 08:31:25 AM » |
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I and my boss had a day out with the client, delivering a finished project. We then had a nice dinner to mark the end of it, as we usually do. He was giving me a ride back to the workplace, so I can take my car and go home. We chatted about our private lives, and I was at the brink of rumination... . I didn't disclose much, but I just pointed out that it's getting difficult nowadays to meet a reasonable partner with common goals and values in life. I am the one to acquire new interests easily, so it was natural to just point out that I need someone with similar goals and values, and that would suffice. Of course, what I really meant was someone emotionally healthy and astute. We talked about me running into materialistic types that behave in disrespectful ways. I was, I guess, just getting things off of my chest without disclosing that I am running into women with emotional problema. No mention of BPD or anything like that.
He's almost 20 years older, in his late 40s. He immediately picked up on my cues, it looked like so at least... . He mentioned something along these lines: "You know, I've been in a long-term relationship with this woman. She was good-looking, smart, in a doctoral program at a prestigious school. She had a bright career path. We started dating. I was pursuing graduate education too. We got along well and all. When we decided to begin a relationship, things started to change. Suddenly, nothing was right. Whatever I did would push her into hysteria. She would abuse me physically, tear apart the shirts off of me in the heat of the argument (he's the kinda guy that, in five years of knowing him, only heard lose temper once, and it was completely understandable given the situation). She cursed at me, was extremely jelaous. Then she would just shut off and leave me. Then come back and so on and on and on. What surprised me was that she maintained the same outlook to the outside world. The attractive, educated and successful woman.
She'd tell me I was the worst human being, the scum, everything imaginable. I loved her, so I kept trying. After a while, I convinced myself that that's just the way love works. I should take the abuse. I should sacrifice for the relationship. And, since she is different to the world compared to when she was with me, clearly I was the problem... . She eventually left me, and I was devastated. Some time after, I met this other woman. As I spent some time in the "trenches" I was fully equipped for the abuse to start soon enough. I completely accepted it as the fact of life. But, you know, time went by and she was equally nice as when I met her. I eventually brought up my previous r/s, and she just said: honey, I am very sorry that it happened to you. I understand how it hurt you, and how it affected your expectations. But that will not happen between us - I am happy with you. That's, he said, when I just let it go... . "
They are now a happily married couple. He is definitely an anxious person with low self-confidence, and probably codependency issues, but a nice guy overall. He didn't deserve the previous relationship - obviously a woman with very strong BPD traits.
He then told me: I sense that you are running into that same type of women. The main thing is to get out when that starts and doesn't go away. Just let it go. But don't stop trying. Get the experiences, learn from them and move on. After a while, you will run into someone that will affirm the things you stand for. Make sure that your past makes you better and not cynical or skeptical. You should not judge the whole crop by a few bad apples.
The whole conversation was enlightening. It felt good that I wasn't alone. It also felt good to see how there is light at the end of the tunnel - his wife is such a nice lady, and doesn't give him a hard time even when things don't go too well at work. Which is, he said, the total opposite from the previous r/s. That woman made him miserable. He described it as a constantly and excrutiatingly hot/cold dance (sounds familiar?) And she was obviously high-functioning (same as my ex).
So, I posted this because the conversation helped me see through the fog much better. There is something good for all of us in the future. But we can't get there until we break away from the past. Let's do it.
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