now what

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So ex-husband is mad at me about something.  So he just sent me an email to tell me that he made a doctor's appointment for the kids and he will take them out of day care and take them to the appointment an hour away next week.  He says I can meet him there (gee thanks!).  I know he's bluffing, but let's say he wasn't.  We do have joint legal custody (I'm the primary caretaker.  He wants to take them during my time.)   What if he really did this?  Technically can he do that?  I know he won't and shouldn't, but technically he could... .

[momtara]

So ex-husband is mad at me about something.  So he just sent me an email to tell me that he made a doctor's appointment for the kids and he will take them out of day care and take them to the appointment an hour away next week.  He says I can meet him there (gee thanks!).  I know he's bluffing, but let's say he wasn't.  We do have joint legal custody (I'm the primary caretaker.  He wants to take them during my time.)   What if he really did this?  Technically can he do that?  I know he won't and shouldn't, but technically he could... .

[DreamGirl]

So ex-husband is mad at me about something.  So he just sent me an email to tell me that he made a doctor's appointment for the kids and he will take them out of day care and take them to the appointment an hour away next week.  He says I can meet him there (gee thanks!).  I know he's bluffing, but let's say he wasn't.  We do have joint legal custody (I'm the primary caretaker.  He wants to take them during my time.)   What if he really did this?  Technically can he do that?  I know he won't and shouldn't, but technically he could... .

What's the appointment for?

[momtara]

i didn't want to get specific, but it is for a routine checkup.  however, i already made an appointment a few minutes from home for them in a few weeks.  so he is just being a jerk.  he wants to take them to an appointment before i do.  i already informed him of the other one.  i don't think he'll do it.  is this almost a kind of threat?

[DreamGirl]

i didn't want to get specific, but it is for a routine checkup.  however, i already made an appointment a few minutes from home for them in a few weeks.  so he is just being a jerk.  he wants to take them to an appointment before i do.  i already informed him of the other one.  i don't think he'll do it.  is this almost a kind of threat?

So he made an appointment with a different doctor then their regular one?

[Waddams]

Okay - now I did exactly what your ex-husband did once.  Main reason was there were some specific issues and I wanted a second opinion.  And while uPDxw has primary, I still have joint legal custody.  And I figured since I had joint legal, had legitimate specific concerns, and uPDxw has always been opposed to everything I do with our son she doesn't okay first, I figured I'd just do it and forgo the argument.  I also figured no judge would sanction me for proactively addressing my own concerns about my son's health, even if his mom didn't like not having control.

I told her the day after the appointment.  I figured if I was gonna kick over the hornet's nest, I might as well kick it, shoot it, and set it on fire while I was at it. 

And it turned out there was something that needed to be addressed with our son that the regular doc had missed because uPDxw misrepresented some things to the doc's and would never tell me when the appointments were.  I've since started calling the doc and asking about our son's appointments every 3 months and just keep track of things that way.

All that being said, if it's just a regular check up with no reason for needing a second opinion on anything, then there's no reason to take them to a new doctor.  I'd be at the appointment if I could be, with a copy of their medical records, and a copy of the divorce decree showing who has primary authority.  And I wouldn't contribute a cent to any payment since the kids have their checkups with their primary care doctor in a few weeks.  I might even call the doc ahead of time and tell him he can examine them, but he is not prescribing anything as he's not their PCP.

[Nope]

I have yet to see a place release a child to a non-primary parent without some sort of consent from the primary parent. Could it be as simple as letting the day care know that it is your parenting time and not to release the children to him?

We gave the kids camp a copy of the parenting plan before camp started and even though my fiance doesn't have primary, we were assured that since it is spelled out in the plan that this part of summer is his time their BPD mom would not be allowed to pick them up without prior written consent from him.

[momtara]

Interesting.  I don't think he'll do it anyhow - he's trying to scare me.  It's just ridiculous. 

No, there is no issue requiring a second opinion.  We haven't had their checkup yet and he has no objection to it, normally.  He just sent this email today for no good reason, because he's mad at me.  Tells me he is taking them to a doc an hour away (near where he lives) and I can get there somehow if I want.  It's just silly.

[ForeverDad]

In order to parent in post-decree Shared Parenting I had to set strict boundaries regarding parenting time or else my ex would have taken over any time I wasn't physically there such as when I had them in daycare.  I couldn't stop her from visiting during daycare but she couldn't take our son out without my permission.  Daycare learned quickly that she would if she could and so they had to apply rules that any early exits had to be approved by me.  Daycares don't want to get in the middle of parental conflict and would rather "withdraw services" than have their facilities disrupted by a parent.

Once I became the Legal Guardian, the PCP (chosen ironically by my ex after our first pediatrician "withdrew services" after conflict) insisted I was the only one who could make appointments.  Apparently the children's hospital ER in my area doesn't care about who the custodial parent is, even for appointments.  And that ER doesn't care about the history either, they handle the incident at hand and ignore prior patterns.

I think a wise boundary to make would be to state that it is your parenting time and that you are not allowing your children to be removed from daycare during your parenting time without your knowledge AND authorization.  Have you discussed this potential issue with the daycare director?

If you are the primary parent but have joint legal custody, I don't know where the issue of doctor appointments fit into that scenario.

I tried to avoid confrontations at exchanges and so I liked picking up and dropping off at the daycares.  I even said I was agreeable to my ex picking our son up a little early, such as 30-60 minutes max.