He confirmed replacing me :(

[Climbmountains91]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223824.msg12421587#msg12421587

Following on from this post I posted above, I did a little detective work (your all going to think I'm a complete psychopath but so be it, I would do it again to be honest, maybe I'm BPD?) Anyway I was chatting to a friend about that I found him on POF that he'd updated his profile with new pics and everything and we're meant to be on a trial separation but confronted him about it and he said he's just looking for new friend but my gut feeling was telling me otherwise so my friend said to use her old profile as she doesn't use it anymore and he knows nothing of my friends because he's never been interested in my life, its all about him. Anyway so I was pretending to be my friend and messaged him and yeah he seemed really interested in her (ahem me) saying she was very pretty, asking whats her favorite music, TV shows, telling me all about him and then confirms my gut feeling when i ask what is he looking for on here and says "hes looking for a relationship, i just want someone that i can be best friends with aswell as in a relationship with".When i confront him about it, he says hes only looking for friends? HA! YEAHHHH!

He says its kind of refreshing speaking to an intelligent lady like yourself LOL! He was saying all this slushy stuff and said "he was corny sometimes" and i was like (WHEN HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH ME, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ROMANTIC WITH ME, your not into that sort of thing, remember?). I asked him about his daughter (we have a daughter together) he says he gets to see her now and again and says he does see her at least once a week and said hope i'm not put off by him having a daughter and i asked "why don't you get to see your daughter much" he said because his the dad *(whatever that means" and that her mum (me) finds it hard to be without her" wow hahaha! its his choosing only to see her once a week because he says he cant cope, it used to be 2/3 times a week but all of a sudden a few months ago it got shorter. People tell me he should be around more for her and he dragged me down to where i live now etc...

He gave me his phone number, asked me out on a date to Eds diner. He still couldn't believe such a beautiful girl chatted him up first and i was to good to be real in a good way because we had such similar interests. My friend said i should arrange when to go to Eds diner and turn up and laugh in his face but i couldn't really go any lower than i have. He worked it out later in the do that it was me, we chatted on the phone and he said he was sorry but gets lonely bla bla bla and i said to him "what about the trial seperation, please just tell me now if you want to break itv off for good and be honest with me for once", i gave him that opptunity there and then but he sounded a little scared on the phone and was like "oh no, i really wanna do this trial separation" but he just "assumed" when i said when he sees our daughter i cant be in his company that i'd given up on the trial separation, instead of talking to me about it, he just "assumed" like he assumes everything.

I know this was a pretty messed up thing to do but as i said i would do it again, i have no way of checking his social media and it was the only way to get the truth. I cant believe he could lie to me like that, i cant believe a word he says right now, i thought he was the most honest person i have in my life, obviously not because sometimes he can be to honest. I don't know why i put up with all this but i just NEVER give up. I know this trial separation is a waste of time because we're waiting for "his" feelings to change. I just cant detach and i don't want to, the way he treats me and his daughter is just horrible, the way he just blanks us out, like were just a once a week thing and even thats a hassle. I'm a mess, i already have my own problems, i just want to end my life to end this nightmare.  I'm trying to keep strong for my daughter as shes stuck in this horrible mess.  :'(

[Perdita]

Climbmountains91,

Let me start with   .  You sure need it right now.  I am new on this board as I only recently figured out that my bf has BPD.  You are in a crises period.  I recognize it because I have been there so many times myself in the past year.  It's a dark place to be.

My advice to you is to act contrary to what you feel like right now.  That is what I did when I went through the last crises earlier this month.  The time before that I spend 2 solid days in bed.  Didn't eat, didn't wash.  I was so drained and it came right after I had gone all out to give him a special day.  I was curshed.  When this happened the last time, I decided not to follow the same pattern.  I forced myself to get up and out.  No matter how much I just wanted to stay in bed in the dark and not communicate with anyone. 

You are on here reaching out for help.  You do want to get better.  Phone a good friend or family member and go out together some place where you can hear your own thoughts.  Yet resist the temptation of talking about him the whole time.  Try to focus on other things.  Very hard, I know!  Now really is the time to get your courage together and get back up.  Do you want him to end up being sole parents to your daughter?  No!  So fight for her and for yourself and take care of yourself. 

Please please please, fight the darkness that has taken a hold of you.  Get out of the house and do something you enjoy.  The longer you marinade in this the harder it will get.

I was able to do it last time around, but I know the time will come when I will need extra help in finding my way back into the light again.  That is why I am so glad I found this place. 

  

[sweetheart]

Your sadness and futility is a natural emotional response to all that you are going through at the moment. You are right when you say that this trial separation is unlikely to change his behaviour, but it has the potential to change yours. If you decide to stay together gathering support from this forum and working on becoming more emotionally resilient can help you manage better when each crisis occurs, and they will reoccur.

You have done things differently this time, you got out of bed and started to focus on how you can start changing things for you. I know how hard that can be, without support from the members on this forum I would be at home this weekend endlessly chasing after my dBPDh who is in crisis at the moment and I would be spending hours trying to rescue him instead of allowing the natural consequences of his actions to impact on him. Instead I packed my bags and our son and booked a mini break for the weekend and off I went; it has been hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.

I know thAt if I decide to stay with my husband then it is me that has to make changes in me! and it sounds like that despite the trauma of your discovery you are doing just that, so all credit to you.

[Climbmountains91]

Thank you for your lovely replies that have given me a bit of strength since and I'm so sorry to hear about what your going through and expire cues   to both of you x

Today I met up with him, we had a good day. We talked about what happened. First I asked him how does he really feel me living by him and he says he loves it but hates it at the same time cause he just worries about me and my daughters welfare (cause of my breakdowns) and if I want to move back to my hometown that it's my choice he just wants me to be happy. Then we talked about the fake profile thing, he said he found it suspicious when I said I liked the same games as him but was going a long with it to find out who it was he either thought it was me or his ex. He said she looked like me :S I asked if his feelings had changed at all he said a little bit (in a good way) but not to get my hopes up he doesn't know what's gonna happen in these next 5 months, we'll non of us do. I know what the answer will be anyway  

I asked if it was the real girl that was talking to him, if it was true and the date "we" planned was real, would it of happened he said "no". He said he would hate for me to get with another guy because he doesn't want our daughter calling someone else dad. I couldn't even get with another guy to be honest, sounds weird and feels weird but other men repulse me ! Why does he have to be so good looking but have this horrible disorder. :/

BLEH! Don't know what to think, is this typical BPD behaviour? !

[Perdita]

Thank you for your lovely replies that have given me a bit of strength since and I'm so sorry to hear about what your going through and expire cues   to both of you x

Climbmountains91, you are welcome.  I am so glad that you are feeling a bit stronger.    It's because I know that dark place so well that I really feel for other people when they are right there in it.  I know what it is like to feel so very alone in those moments, wanting so desperately to reach out to someone that will understand your pain and give moral support.  I also know that it can make a person feel crazy, that you don't know what to do and the pain is just too much. 

I've been thinking of you a lot since you posted, sending you good vibes and hoping to hear back from you.  You are not alone in those moments even though I know how very lonely it feels.  There's a whole community of people here to help you (us).

Today I met up with him, we had a good day. We talked about what happened. First I asked him how does he really feel me living by him and he says he loves it but hates it at the same time cause he just worries about me and my daughters welfare (cause of my breakdowns) and if I want to move back to my hometown that it's my choice he just wants me to be happy.

I am glad you had a constructive conversation.  Personally I find the "I just want you to be happy" thing a bit frustrating.  My BPD bf does that to me to and says "you deserve it".  Then I always wonder "then why don't you stop doing things that make me unhappy?" 

I asked if his feelings had changed at all he said a little bit (in a good way) but not to get my hopes up he doesn't know what's gonna happen in these next 5 months, we'll non of us do. I know what the answer will be anyway  

This causes me a whole lot of confusion in my relationship too. The constant uncertainty, the "I can't make any promises" and "I don't know what's going to happen in the months ahead".    I think the rest of us go into relationships hopeful that we will still be together the following year even though we know nothing is promised to us.  There is the element of good faith. BPD people, however, seem unable to give us a sense of stability in the relationship.  That's what causes the walking on eggs shells and waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling.

I asked if it was the real girl that was talking to him, if it was true and the date "we" planned was real, would it of happened he said "no".

Climbmountains91, the problem is that unfortunately you don't know this for sure.  He got caught and we both know BPD people know how to lie their ways out of things.  When I replied to your original post, I didn't say anything about the things that led to your crises.  What he did was wrong, for sure.  However, it wasn't the right time to talk about that.  You needed help urgently and the focus needed to be on you not him.  Now that you are feeling stronger and no longer in the throw of it, I will tell you that I feel he was looking for a replacement and might do it again.  We really don't know and at this time he probably doesn't even know himself!   My advice to you remains the same: please take care of yourself.  You have a daughter with him and I fully understand the desire to make it work.  Only please protect your heart.  Focus more on the things that bring you joy.  Sadly we both know that there will most likely be another crises for you in the future.  There will for me too.  That's why I feel that we need to start knitting ourselves a warm jersey now so that we don't freeze to death when we are put through another winter of our emotions.  Don't lose yourself in the relationship.   

He said he would hate for me to get with another guy because he doesn't want our daughter calling someone else dad. I couldn't even get with another guy to be honest, sounds weird and feels weird but other men repulse me ! Why does he have to be so good looking but have this horrible disorder. :/

I think he probably would hate for another man to raise his daughter, but what did he say about the thought of you being with another guy?  If I were you I wouldn't share with him how strongly repulsed you feel about being with another guy should things not work out between the two of you.  My recent experience with my BPD bf has led me to believe that he values me more when he is uncertain about whether or not I will stay and just continue to put up.  I feel that this gives me some control over things whereas I had none until recently when he was still 100% sure that I will take all his crap forever and that he had all the control.

BLEH! Don't know what to think, is this typical BPD behaviour? !

In my experience: YES 

[Climbmountains91]

Thank you for your lovely replies that have given me a bit of strength since and I'm so sorry to hear about what your going through and expire cues   to both of you x

Climbmountains91, you are welcome.  I am so glad that you are feeling a bit stronger.    It's because I know that dark place so well that I really feel for other people when they are right there in it.  I know what it is like to feel so very alone in those moments, wanting so desperately to reach out to someone that will understand your pain and give moral support.  I also know that it can make a person feel crazy, that you don't know what to do and the pain is just too much. 

I've been thinking of you a lot since you posted, sending you good vibes and hoping to hear back from you.  You are not alone in those moments even though I know how very lonely it feels.  There's a whole community of people here to help you (us).

Today I met up with him, we had a good day. We talked about what happened. First I asked him how does he really feel me living by him and he says he loves it but hates it at the same time cause he just worries about me and my daughters welfare (cause of my breakdowns) and if I want to move back to my hometown that it's my choice he just wants me to be happy.

I am glad you had a constructive conversation.  Personally I find the "I just want you to be happy" thing a bit frustrating.  My BPD bf does that to me to and says "you deserve it".  Then I always wonder "then why don't you stop doing things that make me unhappy?" 

I asked if his feelings had changed at all he said a little bit (in a good way) but not to get my hopes up he doesn't know what's gonna happen in these next 5 months, we'll non of us do. I know what the answer will be anyway  

This causes me a whole lot of confusion in my relationship too. The constant uncertainty, the "I can't make any promises" and "I don't know what's going to happen in the months ahead".    I think the rest of us go into relationships hopeful that we will still be together the following year even though we know nothing is promised to us.  There is the element of good faith. BPD people, however, seem unable to give us a sense of stability in the relationship.  That's what causes the walking on eggs shells and waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling.

I asked if it was the real girl that was talking to him, if it was true and the date "we" planned was real, would it of happened he said "no".

Climbmountains91, the problem is that unfortunately you don't know this for sure.  He got caught and we both know BPD people know how to lie their ways out of things.  When I replied to your original post, I didn't say anything about the things that led to your crises.  What he did was wrong, for sure.  However, it wasn't the right time to talk about that.  You needed help urgently and the focus needed to be on you not him.  Now that you are feeling stronger and no longer in the throw of it, I will tell you that I feel he was looking for a replacement and might do it again.  We really don't know and at this time he probably doesn't even know himself!   My advice to you remains the same: please take care of yourself.  You have a daughter with him and I fully understand the desire to make it work.  Only please protect your heart.  Focus more on the things that bring you joy.  Sadly we both know that there will most likely be another crises for you in the future.  There will for me too.  That's why I feel that we need to start knitting ourselves a warm jersey now so that we don't freeze to death when we are put through another winter of our emotions.  Don't lose yourself in the relationship.   

He said he would hate for me to get with another guy because he doesn't want our daughter calling someone else dad. I couldn't even get with another guy to be honest, sounds weird and feels weird but other men repulse me ! Why does he have to be so good looking but have this horrible disorder. :/

I think he probably would hate for another man to raise his daughter, but what did he say about the thought of you being with another guy?  If I were you I wouldn't share with him how strongly repulsed you feel about being with another guy should things not work out between the two of you.  My recent experience with my BPD bf has led me to believe that he values me more when he is uncertain about whether or not I will stay and just continue to put up.  I feel that this gives me some control over things whereas I had none until recently when he was still 100% sure that I will take all his crap forever and that he had all the control.

BLEH! Don't know what to think, is this typical BPD behaviour? !

In my experience: YES 

Thank you lovely. Its so hard to talk to family and friends about it because they don't understand or know about BPD so there just like "leave him", "he should get a grip" etc... ! Yes he should get a grip and to a certain extent there right but that's not the point if you know what i mean, that's why i'm so glad i found this place.

I know i guess its projecting all there guilt onto you sort of thing, e.x; of BPD "i feel so guilty that you don't live back at home where your family and friends are, i just want you to be happy" That's all i get all the time and its like give it a rest, its getting old now ! When at the start it was "if you don't move up here the relationship will never work" So I did because i loved him, worked for six months and then *puff* ! So yeah i guess its projecting? I'm still trying to get my head around this BPD and learning about it. Aswell even if you brought up that BPDX/bf was making you unhappy from my experience he wouldn't know what your talking about, i could be wrong but i don't think there aware of there actions and behavior and mine says when i bring up any issue to stop "being a woman" or "why have you always got a problem with me", the problems are always projected right back at you because they can't deal with it. I give up bringing anything up now because he just turns into a little child about it and nothing is ever an issue and we can never talk like civilized adults. Maybe i'm the one with the issues and i should just chill out and stop being a woman about it! Ugh this thought process just gets tiring. !

I know I don't if i believe him, I can see when he's online on it now and have been checking it nearly every hour (ok thats an exaggeration) ! I know it will take a long time to trust him again or if ever. I don't think BPD's know stability or thats there fear, its a tricky one isn't it.

I don't find his ever had a replacement, he was with a girl for 2 years but then she cheated on him and took off with another guy and i think however black he paints her to me and everyone else, i always feel she will forever remain in his heart, it was his first love. After that he said he went on a few dates but they were only after one thing, money! ! Then he met me a year after. UGH! Wish i could get inside his head to know whats going on but the whole dating website finding friends thing i think is just a lie and he already said in his own words "his looking for a relationship" Though my mum pointed out, as we are close and talk alot about this she said "Can you really see him being arsed to take a girl out, he couldn't even take you or daughter out because he never wants to do anything apart from things with his friends". ! So true. Another girl wouldn't put up with, with what i've had to put up with, i let him get away with murder, apparently.

He has a family, a girl that loves him and puts up with him whatever the storm and cost, a beautiful daughter, why can't he just settle and be happy, stupid BPD! I cant believe his daughter is only worth seeing once a week to him. Sorry i'm on a role and could go on for hours but i'll stop !

Thank you for your reply, i just wanted to let you know i'm always here if you wanna talk, private message and that x

[Perdita]

Thank you lovely. Its so hard to talk to family and friends about it because they don't understand or know about BPD so there just like "leave him", "he should get a grip" etc... ! Yes he should get a grip and to a certain extent there right but that's not the point if you know what i mean, that's why i'm so glad i found this place.

It's easy for them to say, because it is not their emotions that are involved.  Logically, you should leave him.  Same goes for me.  Yet here we are.

I know i guess its projecting all there guilt onto you sort of thing, e.x; of BPD "i feel so guilty that you don't live back at home where your family and friends are, i just want you to be happy" That's all i get all the time and its like give it a rest, its getting old now ! When at the start it was "if you don't move up here the relationship will never work" So I did because i loved him, worked for six months and then *puff* ! So yeah i guess its projecting?

It's all the confusion.  The lack of any real answers from them.  Never knowing where we stand with them, because it changes without notice.  Sounds like he is trying to get you to move back home.  Odds are that if you do he'll start telling you to move back again before you know it.

I'm still trying to get my head around this BPD and learning about it.

Same here.  Lots of work.

Aswell even if you brought up that BPDX/bf was making you unhappy from my experience he wouldn't know what your talking about, i could be wrong but i don't think there aware of there actions and behavior and mine says when i bring up any issue to stop "being a woman" or "why have you always got a problem with me", the problems are always projected right back at you because they can't deal with it.

I've considered this as well.  That perhaps they don't know.  Yet I have told my BP guy so many many times how I feel and how his words and actions hurt me.  There is no way that he can't know or grasp at least some of it.

I know I don't if i believe him, I can see when he's online on it now and have been checking it nearly every hour (ok thats an exaggeration) ! I know it will take a long time to trust him again or if ever. I don't think BPD's know stability or thats there fear, its a tricky one isn't it.

The trust issue is huge for me too.  I'm not sure if I'll ever trust mine again.   

I don't find his ever had a replacement, he was with a girl for 2 years but then she cheated on him and took off with another guy and i think however black he paints her to me and everyone else, i always feel she will forever remain in his heart, it was his first love.

Gosh, that sounds so much like my guy too!

Though my mum pointed out, as we are close and talk alot about this she said "Can you really see him being arsed to take a girl out, he couldn't even take you or daughter out because he never wants to do anything apart from things with his friends". ! So true. Another girl wouldn't put up with, with what i've had to put up with, i let him get away with murder, apparently.

I've thought that too about my bf.  Then again, I am putting up with him and these boards are buzzing with people putting up with BP bf,gf, SO  We probably shouldn't be too confident that they won't find replacements that will do the same.

Thank you for your reply, i just wanted to let you know i'm always here if you wanna talk, private message and that x

You are welcome and thank you too for the offer.