About everything. About her.
She's just the most horrible person I've ever known.I'm so jaded, I really just cannot even bring myself to care anymore that it's a mental illness. I don't care that she suffers... I suffer MORE because she suffers.
Kabooma, I have thought this very thing about my uBPDx, and our r/s was a decade shorter than your marriage. You've demonstrated a lot of strength to make it to this point. What you also said about not wanting to go home, a year and a half ago, I had fantasies of walking off into the hills with little clothing and no cell phone, to let the elements take me. I felt worthless and unloved. I looked back at what you have been posting, and I see you've finally homed yourself here. This is a good place to vent emotions.
I've dealt with this for 16 years now, and I'm trapped in this unholy marriage with the worst person imaginable. I can't take the risk of divorcing and losing our child to her.
This fear is founded, given the perception of the family court system. I think, however, that things are getting better, and that the courts primary interest is what's best for the child, and it's in a child's best interest to have contact with both parents.
The child would be in danger in my honest opinion, simply because the kid will be a anger redirection tool, but courts today don't make good decisions based on facts, they make decisions based on perception, and she can certainly play the innocent frail victim when it suits her. I have read the splitting book, and don't feel enough confidence in the system to protect myself from her accusations.
I have read the no more mr nice guy book, several times. Most everything backfires, because she is simply too BPD for anything to help. I usually end up having to detach, or explode. I feel manipulated when those are the only two options.
Even if not physically, children are indeed at risk from borderline parents, even emotionally. I gave my T a copy of this article yesterday:
Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her ChildrenAs of now, however, you still live together as a family, and though you emotions are in turmoil, where you are physically is with her. Can you try some of the communication tools on her to see if they can help reduce conflict on her side? We nons become unwitting triggers for our pwBPD, but in situations like yours (and what I was in), they become triggers for us. We can't stop them from triggering us, so that leaves one option, to try to reduce conflict from our side.
I noticed that you had been posting to the Staying Board. Did you ever get a chance to read through some of the
Lessons at the top of the Staying Board?
Lesson 3 covers the validation and communication tools. Some of us, even seperated but co-parenting like me, benefit from these tools in reducing conflict.
So here I sit, not wanting to leave work on a Friday night... Knowing she's on that path towards another episode. I could hear it in her voice last night. Felt it in every word earlier today. Then we talked and she started splitting on me. I got mad and just told her "fine, goodbye" and hung up... knowing it's "on" when I get home.
I know you've been on a hard, tough path for a long time now, but we've had a few members here recently who did notice positive results when they started using the validation tools on their pwBPD.
It's worth a try, at least for you peace of mind, until you can decide where you want to go.
