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Author Topic: BPD Affair Mistress, now Girlfriend Rollercoaster Ride From Hell  (Read 6990 times)
Journeyer

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« on: May 04, 2014, 07:06:57 PM »

I need advice.

I was seduced by a (BPD) woman that offered me everything I was missing: Passion, charisma, personality, energy, wit... .   I thought I had met my perfect mate. 

After we connected, I ceased physical connection to my long-term partner (a very good person, but not my ideal match in a few critical areas including sex), and eventually got the nerve to leave her entirely.  I feel enormous guilt for having left her and the order in which everything occurred.  I accept responsibility for these actions - I did not live up to my own standards and I wronged someone dear to me.

That's now behind me and we're now twelve months into the relationship and, for the most part it has been very good.  Great conversations, great sex, caring and nurturing.  However, she's continually exhibited extreme jealousy, suffers horrible mood swings, cites trust issues, accuses me of seeing my nonBPD ex, and on the occasion that I have valid need to interact with my ex, my BPD gf goes nearly berserk.  She simply can't cope with the existence of my ex and any mention of her sends her into 2-3 day cycles of hell.

Reading about the illness has shed much light on my situation.  I love by BPD girlfriend, and by all appearances she loves me equally.  When it's good, it's extremely good.  I honestly can say I see one possible future of sticking around and being the nurturing non-BPD SO, but a significant part of me is just reeling at the emotional load that I'm taking on.

As it happens, we're in a deep squabble over the ex again, and I'm having doubts about the relationship.  We haven't spoken for two days after I demanded time to just think things through.  This sent her deeper into hell. 

What should I do next?
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Perdita
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« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2014, 07:21:41 PM »

Hi  Journeyer

That's now behind me and we're now twelve months into the relationship and, for the most part it has been very good.  Great conversations, great sex, caring and nurturing.

True for many of us.  When it's good its great, but those lows... .


However, she's continually exhibited extreme jealousy, suffers horrible mood swings, cites trust issues, accuses me of seeing my nonBPD ex, and on the occasion that I have valid need to interact with my ex, my BPD gf goes nearly berserk.  She simply can't cope with the existence of my ex and any mention of her sends her into 2-3 day cycles of hell.

What are the interactions about?  Is your gf with when you interact with your ex?

I honestly can say I see one possible future of sticking around and being the nurturing non-BPD SO, but a significant part of me is just reeling at the emotional load that I'm taking on.

Welcome to the board.  We are all reeling here. Sorry I don't have any advice for you at this point, but someone surely will.
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Journeyer

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« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2014, 07:27:06 PM »

What are the interactions about?  Is your gf with when you interact with your ex?

A convalescing pet. 

And no, because of the nature of our beginnings, gf and I agreed to keep us a secret for a long time.  That second part is a substantial amount of the tension for her - she wants me to "come out" and I'm apprehensive about her condition (and our future) and about being judged for leaving my former partner for this person.

She's broken up with me many times, whenever there's a fight.  I don't want to go public until I feel more stability in the relationship.
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Perdita
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« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2014, 07:36:08 PM »

From what you wrote earlier you have a lot of guilt about ending the relationship with your ex.  You also said you accept responsibility for your actions, yet you haven't been open about what happened. I understand that you are in a difficult spot.  It sounds to me like this secret is eating away at both you and your gf.  What is the worst you think will happen if you go public?

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Journeyer

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« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2014, 07:54:25 PM »

From what you wrote earlier you have a lot of guilt about ending the relationship with your ex.  You also said you accept responsibility for your actions, yet you haven't been open about what happened. I understand that you are in a difficult spot.  It sounds to me like this secret is eating away at both you and your gf.  What is the worst you think will happen if you go public?

There are two fundamental positions on affairs (telling / not telling), and we feel that telling would cause more damage and pain for all parties involved.

The worst things that could happen by going public include:

1) being found out for the affair

2) being judged for leaving for a significantly younger woman

3) professional impact (I also happen to work with my ex very minimally - shared office complex but I'm never there)

4) being ostracized by my network of friends, most of whom are friends with ex (I've been fairly isolated from all of them since this started)

Most of the fears are mine, no gf's.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2014, 08:07:34 PM »

Journeyer

My gf is BPD and we have been together for over five years. It took me four years to figure out she was BPD. She had similar issues such as mood swings, rages, jealously... . oh my the jealousy. Completely isolated me from family and friends. When things were good man were they good but when they were bad man were  they bad. We also had the similarity problem of us "coming out" as as couple. I will tell you this from experience... . It doesn't get better. People with BPD don't get better. Read the staying boards. It sucks. You been in it for a year. Don't waste another minute of your life. Walk away. I knew when I started I should have listened to my gut but I didn't. Get out now. It doesn't get better.
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tired-of-it-all
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« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2014, 09:22:18 PM »

Journeyer,

Generally there is nothing good that comes from telling of an affair.  I know that you violated your own ethics, and I respect that, however, there is no reason to add to the pain of your ex.  You were not married to her and you therefore really don't owe anyone an explanation.  You are taking on guilt that you do not owe and do not have to own.

I cannot tell you what to do with your current gf.  I can tell you that if I knew then (at your point in the relationship) what I know now (30+years later) I would run away like a scalded dog.  This woman will make your life an absolute hell.  This is a progressive disease.  It is also one of those rare diseases where the sick person will not agree they are sick.  That means that she likely will NEVER EVER GET BETTER.

Quit carrying guilt.  It isn't helping anyone.  Quit being blackmailed by this gf.  My advice is get out and get out now.  Get out any way that you can.  Move to another state if you have to.  In the long run whatever it takes is worth the cost to get out.  To hell with embarrassment, your pride is not that important and it is really no one's business what you have done but yours.  If embarrassment is your problem wait to your gf's disease get's worse.  Wait till she starts having fits in public or on your job or at every family reunion.  You can marry her and she may still call the ex.  She may be jealous of your coworker or workers.  There is no easy end to this downward spiral and it only gets MUCH, MUCH WORSE AS TIME GOES BY.
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2010
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« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2014, 09:22:32 PM »

Why do you think that these problems are anything but your own? You’ve chosen to leave your spouse <<emotionally>> for someone who gave you passion, not realizing that the drama involved pulled you deeper into a hole and became an addiction. In the meantime, you are not legally free to be with another woman. Instead, you wonder why a woman who has trust issues and who purposefully picks married partners so she can re-live her mistrust, is mistrustful of you. You are married.

Now that you are knee deep in jealousy from one mistrustful woman and sadness and despair from another, you’re beginning to see that this wasn’t the best of plans for you concerning your reputation, dignity and persona. The fact is, that this affair has stripped you of any dignity concerning your ethics, and now that you waiver between the two, your procrastination has become a drain on your mental fortress.  As they say, you’ve made your bed, now lay in it. You know, you did this to yourself.

The sexual communion you have with this woman is perhaps the only time you feel a sense of safety and purpose. The times out of bed are a roller coaster ride of jealousy, unhappiness and despair. Welcome to your attractive partner, the one you felt was your answer to all the loneliness in your marriage- that wasn’t the fault of one person, but two and somehow, the denial of this fact propelled you into an affair, perhaps it was easier to do because of blame.

Rather than extricate yourself and end your failed marriage legally, you chose this distraction path with a third person based upon your own neediness. That’s understandable. You claim it to be sexual need and perhaps it was, but the emotional factors are off the charts, something that wasn’t there within your marriage either. You needed a third point agitator, which is what your younger girlfriend is, to move the game of musical chairs around the drama triangle and victimize yourself because, there are three people involved, and one of them is a wife.

You still have a responsibility to a wife.

Now that you have victimized yourself and her, it’s showing you a deliberate lesson that you need to learn concerning who you are and what you want. This isn’t because of the failure of your spouse to be available to you sexually, but rather the failure of yourself to have your voice heard and your needs met. Let this dig you out of the rut you were in and place you in the hot seat to determine what it is you want out of life. Surely it can’t be all about sex. It has to be about more. Sex is such a small part of daily living. Safety, stability, ease, life. Those are the things that make a foundation for a relationship.

So, what do you think it is that you need now? You’ve got sex. What else is there? Safety, stability, trust, respect, your sense of self? Whatever it is, it’s being crumbled up in bits now and it’s up to you to salvage yourself. How do you want to proceed?

Good luck. Perhaps it’s time to file for divorce.

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Journeyer

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« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2014, 09:55:52 PM »

Journeyer

My gf is BPD and we have been together for over five years. It took me four years to figure out she was BPD. She had similar issues such as mood swings, rages, jealously... . oh my the jealousy. Completely isolated me from family and friends. When things were good man were they good but when they were bad man were  they bad. We also had the similarity problem of us "coming out" as as couple. I will tell you this from experience... . It doesn't get better. People with BPD don't get better. Read the staying boards. It sucks. You been in it for a year. Don't waste another minute of your life. Walk away. I knew when I started I should have listened to my gut but I didn't. Get out now. It doesn't get better.

Thank you for your response - do you mind my asking why you had difficulty coming out?  And also, you're still with her now (mixed present and past tense)?  I will take your words to heart.
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Journeyer

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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2014, 10:02:40 PM »

Generally there is nothing good that comes from telling of an affair.  I know that you violated your own ethics, and I respect that, however, there is no reason to add to the pain of your ex.  You were not married to her and you therefore really don't owe anyone an explanation.  You are taking on guilt that you do not owe and do not have to own.

Thank you - I very much agree.

I cannot tell you what to do with your current gf.  I can tell you that if I knew then (at your point in the relationship) what I know now (30+years later) I would run away like a scalded dog.  This woman will make your life an absolute hell.  This is a progressive disease.  It is also one of those rare diseases where the sick person will not agree they are sick.  That means that she likely will NEVER EVER GET BETTER.

Wow - after all the reading I've done, the unique perspective from others further along is much more helpful.  My therapist has told me the same and encouraged me to make an exit.  I'm resistant but rethinking it all.

Quit carrying guilt.  It isn't helping anyone.  Quit being blackmailed by this gf.  My advice is get out and get out now.  Get out any way that you can.  Move to another state if you have to.  In the long run whatever it takes is worth the cost to get out.  To hell with embarrassment, your pride is not that important and it is really no one's business what you have done but yours.  If embarrassment is your problem wait to your gf's disease get's worse.  Wait till she starts having fits in public or on your job or at every family reunion.  You can marry her and she may still call the ex.  She may be jealous of your coworker or workers.  There is no easy end to this downward spiral and it only gets MUCH, MUCH WORSE AS TIME GOES BY.

I'm working through the guilt - I think I'm coming to terms with it, thanks for your encouraging words.
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Journeyer

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« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2014, 10:18:16 PM »

Why do you think that these problems are anything but your own? You’ve chosen to leave your spouse <<emotionally>> for someone who gave you passion, not realizing that the drama involved pulled you deeper into a hole and became an addiction. In the meantime, you are not legally free to be with another woman. Instead, you wonder why a woman who has trust issues and who purposefully picks married partners so she can re-live her mistrust, is mistrustful of you. You are married.

You may not have read my post completely or I wasn't altogether clear.  Never married, and I have fully left my ex (thus my use of the word "ex" for my new BPD girlfriend.  I did say Mistress and Affair, because I met my girlfriend while still attached. 

Now that you have victimized yourself and her, it’s showing you a deliberate lesson that you need to learn concerning who you are and what you want. This isn’t because of the failure of your spouse to be available to you sexually, but rather the failure of yourself to have your voice heard and your needs met. Let this dig you out of the rut you were in and place you in the hot seat to determine what it is you want out of life. Surely it can’t be all about sex. It has to be about more. Sex is such a small part of daily living. Safety, stability, ease, life. Those are the things that make a foundation for a relationship.

So, what do you think it is that you need now? You’ve got sex. What else is there? Safety, stability, trust, respect, your sense of self? Whatever it is, it’s being crumbled up in bits now and it’s up to you to salvage yourself. How do you want to proceed?

Excellent points.  I don't believe I'm addicted to sex (certainly not from classic definitions of addiction), but I've looked at the role sex plays in my life.  I fully agree that there's more to life than sex, and you've pointed out many of them, thanks.

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2010
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« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2014, 04:20:44 AM »

Excerpt
Never married, I did say Mistress and Affair, because I met my girlfriend while still attached.

My apologies. I was confused.

You’ve left your former partner 12 months ago for a new partner which implied commitment to her, but you are keeping the relationship a secret.  This is due to reasons such as public perception as well as your concern about her jealousy over your former partner, an Ex you still keep in contact with and share responsibilities together concerning a pet.

Excerpt
I was seduced by a (BPD) woman that offered me everything I was missing:because of the nature of our beginnings, gf and I agreed to keep us a secret for a long time.

Relationships are about trust.

Some people prefer to not experience the guilt they feel when they violate a former partner’s trust, so they claim powerlessness over their behavior and then minimize it by keeping it a secret or casting it off as blame, (for instance, being “seduced” by a woman that you presume has Borderline personality disorder rather than accepting that you made a conscious choice.)

Excerpt


You were not married to her and you therefore really don't owe anyone an explanation.  You are taking on guilt that you do not owe and do not have to own.


Thank you - I very much agree.

Reasoning that you don’t need to justify your breach of trust to your former partner (or anyone for that matter,) by carefully controlling and keeping the relationship a secret, can bring up allot of toxic shame. Your girlfriend is appropriately reacting to this with mistrust of her own. Shame and mistrust combine together into a big ball of anger and absolutely no one feels safe or secure. The reasons for hiding the relationship are really about appearances, not love. Keeping up appearances in this manner cannot be maintained forever. Eventually the truth will reveal itself.

Her anger isn’t a selective reasoning or a distorted belief of hers; it’s a response to your control and minimizing. If you don’t talk about the mistrust you both feel, you won't resolve the conflict. Your choice is to deny and repress. That’s not reasonable. Your public persona and the defenses you put in place to control how people perceive you are not due to Borderline personality disorder.  Being judged for leaving your former partner would happen whether or not she had BPD. Your fear of judgment has nothing to do with her.

Excerpt
That second part is a substantial amount of the tension for her - she wants me to "come out" and I'm apprehensive about her condition (and our future) and about being judged for leaving my former partner for this person.

You can imagine how much anxiety a person would feel that is being forced into a silent partnership (let alone a person with Borderline personality disorder.) If you keep her a silent partner, then she is required to be invisible in this threesome while you and your former partner continue to share a pet. You both may talk about the pet or work or the past good times or even the future but she remains a secret. There is no reciprocity for your “affair mistress,” no safety, no security, no stability.

At this point, neither of you seems to trust the other because this relationship wasn’t built on trust.  She knows about your former partner. Does your former partner know about her? Certainly you’re keeping secrets from people already a year after the break-up. That probably doesn’t make her feel very stable.

You hold onto the control concerning how you are perceived while the perceptions of her are covered up as though she doesn’t exist. I’m sure she feels somewhat insecure and jealous that she has no voice in the ongoing relationship while you continue to give voice to your former partner while pretending you’re not involved with anyone.

Excerpt
because of the nature of our beginnings, gf and I agreed to keep us a secret for a long time.

You’ve remained in an insecure attachment with her for at least a year. What is a “long time” to you? Did you discuss this time frame with her? There should be some anger from her due to your vagueness and keeping secrets.

What is the goal here?

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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2014, 07:43:31 AM »

Hi Journeyer

There are a number of issues here that might be easier to deal with separately.

One view of revealing the infidelity is that it would cause more pain and thus should be avoided. Another is this: your ex girlfriend believes you left her for whatever reason it was that you told her which obviously isn't the real or rather the only reason. If she was your girlfriend for long enough for your mutual friends to recognise the r'ship as well as committed enough that you share care of a pet then it was committed enough to have caused her pain when you ended it.

She will no doubt have had to review the breakup in terms of her own contributions to it, perhaps even blaming herself for things that were not actually the true reasons. In any case, isn't she entitled to understand it for what it was? That for whatever reasons, you were not being fulfilled enough or that you lacked the ability to fully commit to it to the extent that you met someone else and 'moved on' whilst still involved with her. Surely she is entitled to be able to re evaluate herself in light of the real reason that you left - which was that you met someone else. Painful though that might be, it must be better for her to be hurt by the truth than wonder what she did that caused you to want to leave her.

By disclosing to her the truth surely you will begin to heal your own guilt as well as demonstrate to the new girlfriend that you are serious about her. It must be painful for her to know that she is 'your little secret' and naturally be threatened by your contact with your ex. This may sound harsh but she (your girlfriend) already has reason to mistrust you based on the fact that you went behind your girlfriend's back to be with her to begin with. If it starts out less than honest and then a year down the track is still not fully disclosed to anyone but the current girlfriend then she has no status. Her own reasons for targeting (or seducing) someone who was already involved also make for an insecure start.

You actually do hold the power as 2010 said. You get to choose who knows about the two of you and you get to decide whether or not you will stay with her depending on whether or not you can put up with everyone knowing what you decided to do or whether or not you will stay in the r'ship.

but a significant part of me is just reeling at the emotional load that I'm taking on.

A significant part of your girlfriend may be thinking the same thing about you!

There are two fundamental positions on affairs (telling / not telling), and we feel that telling would cause more damage and pain for all parties involved.

The worst things that could happen by going public include:

1) being found out for the affair

2) being judged for leaving for a significantly younger woman

3) professional impact (I also happen to work with my ex very minimally - shared office complex but I'm never there)

4) being ostracized by my network of friends, most of whom are friends with ex (I've been fairly isolated from all of them since this started)

Most of the fears are mine, no gf's.

You say 'WE feel that telling' but then conclude that these are your fears. is your girlfriend scared of those things?

Is the isolation from your and your ex's mutual friends due to you? Or your ex? It might help you to ask yourself if you've pushed them away assuming they would side against you. They may well be true friends who will stick by you anyway.

Personally I can't help feeling that a dose of honesty will end your guilt or at least assuage some of it, help both your ex and your present g/f to understand the true situation and contribute to healing all around
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Indigo Sky
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« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2014, 08:28:27 AM »

If you want to remain with your current partner and need to interact with your ex partner, have you tried using another person as the go between and going no contact with your ex partner?

Try not to look at the past but how to make your present and future a happy one.
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Journeyer

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« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2014, 11:33:11 AM »

2010,

The seduction comment wasn't intended as blame.  GF openly called herself a temptress and said her intent was to seduce me away from my ex.  I consciously chose to proceed with it.  I'm not proud of that.  I screwed up.  When I realized that I couldn't maintain the relationship with ex, I ended it.  The reasons I gave were legitimate and would have been enough to end the relationship prior to meeting GF.  I wish I had addressed things and/or broken it off with her prior, but I can't change that now.

I have a lot of guilt.  I'm trying to work through it.  Some of the guilt is guilt that I shouldn't necessarily carry (for example, it's okay to leave someone if your basic needs are not being met).  Some of the guilt is more painful to own (for example, betraying someone and sustaining dishonesty).  This is not who I want to be.

You make excellent points on trust, truth, security.  They're insightful and helpful.

Regarding GF's BPD, I'm not presuming it.  She has begun treatment and there is no question that she has this illness.  At times, it is manageable.  At times, it causes her crippling emotional duress.  She isolates herself and becomes violent or cries uncontrollably.  She rages, has complex abandonment issues, trouble maintaining friendships and relationships, drug abuse history, many others that I won't list.  This has been the case for years.  I am not the source of it.

What's the goal?  That's why I'm here.  I need to decide whether I'm staying or leaving.  And I need to practice truthfulness and heal.
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upsidedown_world

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« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2014, 02:38:54 PM »

Here's a very simple litmus test.  Stop having sex with her.  If the relationship is still worth keeping WITHOUT sex for a month or two, then your decision to commit to it is NOT being clouded by her taking advantage of your endorphins and dopamine.  She'll hate it, it's one of her hooks.  She knows it, you know it, she knows exactly how to use it against you.  She'll accuse you of having sex with your ex.  She'll manipulate you to get the hook back in.  She'll cry and "feel terrible" and want you to console and reassure her and turn it into sex.  I can pretty much guarantee it.  Can you say succubus?  Lots of satisfying sex but you lose your soul in the process.

My dBPw is an ex-model.  I know how it works.  But I now have kids and complications (and a house full of her hoarded crap, which is another psychological deterrent to a break-up).  If I knew then what I know NOW, I'd have quit early on and just found someone else.

I'd guess you have some of your own abandonment and separation anxiety issues.  Overlapping relationships are a safe way to avoid the feeling.  If so, fix them and empower yourself to make better choices.

My advice to you is that you have NO reason to stay, so simply walk away.  This is not the relationship you want, and it never will be.  Find someone sane who enjoys sex AND likes herself as a real person with an identity OTHER than a temptress who plays with people.  Do it AFTER you've taken a break.
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« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2014, 03:14:43 PM »

Dear Up, She may do more than hate it if he stops sex. She may have sex with others. I have found the BPD sexual appetite to be very high.

I would not play my own game. It just confuses us more. If you want out take the straightforward approach.
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« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2014, 03:31:05 PM »

Journeyer

My gf is BPD and we have been together for over five years. It took me four years to figure out she was BPD. She had similar issues such as mood swings, rages, jealously... . oh my the jealousy. Completely isolated me from family and friends. When things were good man were they good but when they were bad man were  they bad. We also had the similarity problem of us "coming out" as as couple. I will tell you this from experience... . It doesn't get better. People with BPD don't get better. Read the staying boards. It sucks. You been in it for a year. Don't waste another minute of your life. Walk away. I knew when I started I should have listened to my gut but I didn't. Get out now. It doesn't get better.

Thank you for your response - do you mind my asking why you had difficulty coming out?  And also, you're still with her now (mixed present and past tense)?  I will take your words to heart.

When we first got together we came up with rules about who we would tell. Within a month she broke all the "rules" and told her family without even consulting me first. This was a first same sex relationship for both of us so it was difficult to adjust to and hard to accept. I struggled a lot with it. My family is religious and I knew they wouldn't accept it. I was also against telling them cuz she had a horrible drinking problem. I didnt want to open a can of worms with my family if she wasn't going to get help with the drinking. She didn't get help and her drinking got worse. She blamed me for her drinking.  It was because I was hiding her. She was an alcoholic long before I ever met her. I ended up becoming isolated from family and friends. If I did see or talk to any of them she would rage and accused  me of wanting to sleep with them. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. It took me 3 1/2 years to figure it out and I am pretty sure she cheated on me a few times in there too. I finally walked away.

She went for help with her drinking I learned about BPD. She stopped drinking but stopped therapy. We started seeing each other again. I started therapy. I got stronger and stronger. I was ready to move forward. Come out as a couple. As I got stronger she couldn't handle it. She started drinking again. When I needed her the most she left me.

We are currently together. Here is what I know. For the first four years we have been together she  blamed me for us not being a family. I am ready to tell my family buy a house. I have dealt with my fears and demons... . now there is a whole new list of excuses.  The kids will get picked on, Her brother doesn't like me, etc.  Her drinking continues to get worse. She knows she needs therapy but will not go.  As much as I love her I do realize that there will always be an excuse and if she doesnt get help things will never change.  I really don't  want to spend my life with an alcoholic.

My advice to you is walk away.  Get out and be thankful you only spent a year of your life involved with this.   It doesn't get better... . RUN.
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upsidedown_world

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married 16 years
Posts: 46



« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2014, 06:12:49 PM »

Dear Up, She may do more than hate it if he stops sex. She may have sex with others. I have found the BPD sexual appetite to be very high.

I would not play my own game. It just confuses us more. If you want out take the straightforward approach.

Absolutely she may go to others, it's what they often do - partly to punish, partly because they can't stand rejection or being alone.  The point is, this is about YOU.  If your judgment is clouded with dopamine and endorphins, you may as well be addicted to drugs and she's your supplier, keeping you doped up and dependent.  It's destructive.  So if you cut out the sex, you can THINK clearly and see things as they really are.
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2014, 06:08:37 AM »

J,

That great sex you're having... . That stops soon too. We used to have great sex the first year and part of the second year but then sex wasn't so awesome anymore. She was either drunk or it became all about her and her needs. We rarely have sex now and if we do it is all about her needs. My needs aren't even considered. So if you are basing part of your decision to stay on sex just know that the great sex comes to an end as well. After a while you no longer have a partner... . You are busy taking care of a child. It's not a relationship to build a life on. It sucks.
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Perdita
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: 5 years in
Posts: 599



« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2014, 08:06:20 AM »

After a while you no longer have a partner... . You are busy taking care of a child.

Good description.
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Skip
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #21 on: May 07, 2014, 10:16:24 AM »

Reading about the illness has shed much light on my situation.  I love by BPD girlfriend, and by all appearances she loves me equally.  When it's good, it's extremely good.  I honestly can say I see one possible future of sticking around and being the nurturing non-BPD SO, but a significant part of me is just reeling at the emotional load that I'm taking on.

As it happens, we're in a deep squabble over the ex again, and I'm having doubts about the relationship.  We haven't spoken for two days after I demanded time to just think things through.  This sent her deeper into hell.  

What should I do next
?

It sounds like you are caught in a cycle of conflict.  I suspect that she has insecurities, and you are not listening.  And you probably have a defenses and she is not listening.  Couples do this.

The short answer to your question is to move to the Staying Board and learn better communication skills.  There, you will learn is to listen to her.  Her concerns have a foundation. They are real.  Its important to see this.   Just look at some of the reaction in this thread.  While the concerns may be completely wrong in your mind or in fact, the prior history will forever hang over you until it is worked out.

You will do better to understand this and work within this frame work rather than to defend what happened or justify, argue, defend, or make excuses (JADE).  Look how making excuses is working in this thread (isn't the messageboard is a great places to learn --and no cost to the youS  Smiling (click to insert in post) )

So, think in terms that the past won't be in the past until she lets go of it and that will take time and work on both parts. Be patient. This would be a issue with any women - but more so with someone suffering from BPD as they have inherent trust issues.

If you read any book on infidelity, there are typically a long lists of tactics for building trust back. I know you didn't cheat on her, but the list is good just the same.  It will contain simple things like always letting her know where you are. It will contain harder things to.

So, what is the squabble over?  

What is she saying?  

What are you saying?
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