Looking for good attorney in the Boston Area

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

I've come to the point where I dont think its healthy to stay in the relationship with my wife.  I know its the sickness and not here as a person, however, i've tried so long to make it work.  I've reached the point where I think the only thing I can do is try to get some of my life back for me and my child.

Does anyone know a good divorce/family attorney in the greater Boston area?

Thank

[GreenSea]

Hello,

I've come to the point where I dont think its healthy to stay in the relationship with my wife.  I know its the sickness and not here as a person, however, i've tried so long to make it work.  I've reached the point where I think the only thing I can do is try to get some of my life back for me and my child.

Does anyone know a good divorce/family attorney in the greater Boston area?

Thank

[Radcliff]

GreenSea,

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation?  How long have you been married?  How old is your child?  What are the behaviors of your wife that are causing you the most trouble?

Have you heard of the book, "Splitting," by Bill Eddy and Randi Krieger?  It is specifically about divorcing someone with BPD, and has a section on selecting a lawyer.

WW

[GreenSea]

Hi Wentworth,

Thanks for the response.  I have not read "Splitting", but I just downloaded it appreciate the suggestion.

I have read "Walking on Eggshells" in fact I have to keep reading it to remind myself of the scenario.

I have been together with my BPDw for 7 years and married almost 3 years.  We have a 17 month old son.  We have been through 2 marriage counselors and they both ended with her rejecting to get counseling on her own and not owning her highly reactive responses.  She constantly accuses me of having an affair. She has alienated my family and the only grandchild in the family cant see his grand parents and uncles.  Our day to day is moving from one crisis to another.  I was continually running around trying to over compensate for the irrational behaviors.  I have always given her the benefit of the doubt and she is able to position things to where I actually believe her accusations are true.  I guess, I've hit the bottom and said this is no way to live life and I am especially concerned about the well being of my child. 

I know she is a good person at heart, unfortunately this condition is now not only running her life but our child's life and mine.

[ForeverDad]

Some have recommended avvo.com but that alone is not a guarantee you'll get the proactive, experienced lawyer with practical strategies you will need to address a difficult divorce.  Consultations are needed where you can ask the hard questions, how do you handle difficult cases, can you go to trial if needed, how is your track record, can you offer real strategies that have worked, etc?

Eddy's SPLITTING handbook describes the sort of lawyer you'll need to find.  The typical lawyer is used to settling most cases and may not be able to handle a case where you are likely to be obstructed and that is high risk of going to trial.  So if the only strategy a prospective lawyer has is to hold a client's hands while aiming to settle then that's not enough for you.  You need a lawyer who can not only try to settle but also move on to court if that fails, as often it does in our PD cases.

[Radcliff]

Take your time with this to do it right.  While you want to take a collaborative approach whenever possible, if you are arguing for parenting time and dealing with someone like a court appointed evaluator, you may need to articulate your parenting behaviors and hers in a convincing and non-emotional way.  Keeping a journal is key.  Does your wife work outside the home?  How involved are you in the care of your son?

I talked to half a dozen lawyers before picking mine.  Since my wife was making divorce threats, and I had no active plans to divorce, I was able to get to know my lawyer slowly, talking to her for a half an hour every few months when my wife's threats become especially convincing.  I knew her for over a year before things deteriorated enough that I needed to call her to action.  The trust we built up over that time paid huge dividends, and if I had started to doubt her I could have found another one.  Pace yourself for several months of lawyer selection, journaling, and other preparation.  When you interview lawyers, look for one who can give you detail about high-conflict personality cases they've handled in the past, and can clearly describe how they'd handle your case.  Pay particular attention to how responsive they are to your communications.  If they don't get back to you early in the relationship, it's not going to get better.  My lawyer surprised me with how responsive she was, and I never felt like a second class citizen when I was only giving her tiny amounts of money to stay in touch.  She generally gets back to me in a day, half a day if something is going on with court, sometimes two days if she's busy and my stuff isn't urgent.

How open are you to learning some of the BPD coping tools we teach, to help the remaining time together go more smoothly and possibly to set the stage for better coparenting?

WW

[livednlearned]

Hi GreenSea,

I'm so sorry for the pain and sadness you're going through. Moving from one crisis to the other is a hard way to live, especially while raising a young child. I'm glad you found the site.

There is a helpful article about taking an assertive approach when divorcing someone who is high conflict (Eddy's phrase is "high-conflict person". It was written for lawyers by lawyers, but it will give you an idea about what kind of lawyer you want to work with when one party has a PD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

If you can afford it, talking to one or two, or even three lawyers can help you gather a lot of information without having to retain one person right away. That way you can pick and choose the one whose strategy helps you reach your goals. Sometimes the keywords "high conflict divorce" or "parental alienation" will take you to lawyers that are familiar with personality disorders. Even so, you'll still want to check to see if they are assertive and not aggressive. My ex was a former trial attorney and I can imagine him being a very effective divorce lawyer, ratcheting up the conflict at his client's expense. My therapist even speculated that people in BPD marriage might actually seek out a lawyer with a PD, since evidently we have faulty PD radars 

Having the right lawyer can make all the difference in our cases. Someone aggressive will escalate the conflict (costing us more $$$) and someone passive can leave you equally broke.

Something else, if you can wrangle it... .I wish I had gone to my lawyer meetings with another person -- he or she could've taken notes while I listened. It can feel very emotional in these meetings, making it easy to forget things.

It's also helpful to come here because many of us have a tendency to self-sabotage. Most people in BPD relationships are conflict averse and will appease their soon-to-be-ex in the hopes that the drama will die down. There is fortunately a lot of collective wisdom here that can help prevent you from falling into that rabbit hole. Court orders are hard to change so it helps to get it right during the so-called "temporary" order that tends to become permanent. We made lots of mistakes so you don't have to.

 

LnL

[Lugnut]

Hello green sea,
I’m also at the same point as you. I took off work Monday to search online for local divorce lawyers and was able to set up 1 free consultation and 2 others for $100 each. I had my free consultation today. I have done a good bit of studying on my states divorce laws but after my visit with my first attorney today all I can say is WOW!
In an hours time she went through the entire divorce process. Prices, payment options, best and worst case scenarios. Support custody alimony you name it. It was a huge amount of information to absorb. Some of her advice I am going to implement starting tomorrow. I have another consultation tomorrow and I expect it to be even more educational. I’ll admit I was nervous going in but she immediately made me feel like she was on MY side. I actually left her office with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to see my wife get help and us save our marriage (which I have finally accepted will never happen) it felt good to know I was getting the ball rolling. I was taking control of my future and happiness. It may still be a long way off until the divorce is final but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[GreenSea]

Thank You all,

I downloaded Splitting yesterday and have dove right in.

Over the past week I have been putting a "package" together to got to shop around Attorneys with -Texts, Emails, Journal of events that were explosive or irrational.

It sounds like I shouldn't wait to get that fully put together and just start talking to Attorneys. 

I'm going to book meetings starting today and continue to work on my package.  Also good to note, having another person with me will be helpful so I'm going to do that as well.

Just a side note, my BPw is currently in a "good" phase - she seems very passive and not raging.  I told here I wanted a divorce a few weeks ago and I can tell this is something she is having an internal struggle with.  I'm trying so hard to not talk myself out of this because I know deep down she will never change but it really is so hard.  I look at my son and see the rough road ahead for him and it breaks my heart.  This is a very hard situation for anyone to go through and anyone out there that is in a similar situation I am compassionate to you plight.

My advice to myself is all that I can echo here which is - Look at the life ahead and come to terms with the fact that its going to be hard in the short term but its for everyone's benefit.  Living in a situation where you are always blamed and erratic unstable emotional behavior leads to constant crisis is no way to live.

thanks

[Radcliff]

I agree, the "package" is way more than you need for a first meeting.  The level of documentation you need also depends on what your goals are, and the potential risk she will make accusations.

One key thing to do in the first meeting is to be explicit with the attorney about your goals for parenting time and custody, as well as pertinent details like your work, if she works outside the home, etc.  They will be able to tell you what they think is realistic for your locality.  If an attorney tries to tell you that you are asking for more parenting time than is likely, then pay attention to whether they are telling you to lay down and take it, or if they are able to describe an approach to attempt to attain your goal.  This can be where a lawyer's experience with personality disorders or high conflict cases can come into play.  Even in a locality where it's hard for dads to get as much time, your commitment to parenting plus her behaviors plus the assertive approach advocated in Splitting may lead to more parenting time for you.

What are your goals for parenting time?  What do you think is best for the kids?

WW

[ForeverDad]

It seems most of us have had spouses who would interrogate us into the wee hours of the morning, I sure did.  Understand this point very clearly:  You are under no ethical obligation to share any of your "potential divorce" details with your spouse.  Yes, when building a strong marriage you do share, however if it is unhealthy or dysfunctional and you are pondering an exit then that you do not share.  That is TMI and you risk allowing the disordered spouse to sabotage your plans.  Eventually there will be a time and a place, but not until you have finalized what you will need to do.

Yes, you do continue sharing parenting information.  No, you do not submit to interrogations or slick maneuvering or crushing guilting for sensitive matters you have a right to keep confidential.