I feel so confused, just want peace in my life for once

[Cloudy Days]

My husband just got approved for disability, something we have been working at for 4 years. For some reason this has been an awful trigger for him. He is now labeled as crazy enough to be considered disabled and that is very bothersome to him. He is now in a position that he will have a paycheck to pay for his own stuff. He is getting a lump sum from back pay and wants to move to another state. I would have to quit my job and find another job. The amount of money we are working with would probably allow us to buy a trailer or a really run down house, he has to have space away from neighbors. The place we live in now is surrounded by people and it is driving him insane and me along with him. He bought security cameras and now keeps a constant watch on things, this has not made things better like I had hoped, I think he is obsessing about it more, to be fair someone did steal something meanial out of our yard. But he seems to think they are jumping the fence and pulling all kinds of shenanigans. The thing that was stolen was sitting right next to the fence so no one jumped the fence to steal it. I know we need to move from the neighborhood, that's not a question.

Problem is I don't really want to move out of state, I have been seriously thinking about leaving him, just haven't worked up the courage to do it. Really in my heart I don't want to but every blow up, every name he calls me, every sleepless night I have makes me want to even more. It's when I am in front of him dealing with him face to face that I can't say it or do it. We are at a point where something is going to change, we are going to either move to a house in the state we live in or move out of state or I am going to leave him and he's going to go berserk in some way.

He constantly asks me if I am cheating on him, sometimes it escalates to him telling me to pack and leave with the bare minimum. He hates the job that I have now however I am positive unless I worked at home he would hate any job that I get. He hasn't liked any of them so far and has accused me of cheating on him at every place I have worked. I have to have a job though, we can't live without it. I'm tired of the double standards, he tells me to bite my tongue all the time but he never holds back what he has to say. I just don't feel like I have the energy to leave him. I've been really depressed lately, considering changing my career, my home state, leaving my family. I know it won't be worth it though. He has a very skewed reality of what is actually possible, if I try to tell him that the things he wants to do may not be possible he gets very upset. I feel very conflicted about what to do, I don't like having my future be unknown and it's really bringing me down. So far every night when I go home we spend hours looking for houses we can afford in the other state. I have been seriously considering doing it. I would like to go to school actually but I don't even see that happening if I am with him. I ran the idea by him and he's skeptical, I can tell when he doesn't want me to do something. I just know that I would move if my husband was a normal human being. He's not though, he gets mad at almost everything that happens. When I have to deal with something that went wrong I have to deal with not only the problem but my husbands extreme reaction to the problem too. Usually he blames me for everything bad that happens to him even if it is an act of God or clearly has nothing to do with me, he will find a way to make it my fault.

I haven't left yet because I still have feelings for him, and It's much easier to just deal with him than figure out a way to leave but I have already been with him for 9 years. If I am this unhappy now, what is it going to be like 5 years from now after I left the state for him and gave up everything that I know. I have been waiting for leaving to feel right but I honestly don't think it's ever going to feel right. He threatens to leave me almost every day and then turns around and tells me he's just bluffing he would never actually do that. I'm tired of the mind games, they are just too exhausting. But I'm very afraid of what will happen if I make the choice to leave, that sounds even more exhausting and I would have to hurt him. Something I have been trying really hard to never do because I do really care about him.

[seeking balance]

Overall, I think disability would be enough to trigger anyone, but a pwBPD even moreso.  I am sure it is difficult for you to be watching this play out and the guilt must be huge too.

Problem is I don't really want to move out of state, I have been seriously thinking about leaving him, just haven't worked up the courage to do it.

I haven't left yet because I still have feelings for him, and It's much easier to just deal with him than figure out a way to leave but I have already been with him for 9 years.

These 2 sentences jumped out at me reading your post Cloudy Days.  Overall, moving doesn't seem like a reasonable option for you.

I don't know your backstory,  is part of his disability receiving any sort of treatment for him?

[Cloudy Days]

He had to get treatment to receive the disability because he needed a doctor to support his claim. Now that he has been approved he has stopped going. He will be reviewed in three years and all he really has to do is see someone every couple of months to support the fact that he is still disabled. I honestly don't think he will ever get better, he has more problems than just the BPD. He uses his diagnosis as an excuse for his behavior now instead of actually trying to fix it. It's always about I have this disorder, you can't expect me to act like a normal person. I was really hopeful for awhile that he actually had a chance at getting better, however when he would see his therapist it was usually triggering so I began to hate it when he would go but still encouraged it because there was no other way he was going to get better.

When I got on these boards I was very hopeful that I could create boundaries and make a better life for myself. I find that I have a hard time standing up to him though. One of the only times I tried to create a major boundary It back fired on me and he destroyed a lot of my personal stuff. I ended up taking him back anyways only because he was drunk when he did it and he also agreed to start getting therapy and stop drinking (he did stop drinking). However, if that's not going to make me want to leave then what will? I did read the book betrayal bonds, it was very eye opening and it hit very close to home for me. I know this is why I am still with him, there is no other explanation. And up until now part of the reason I felt I could not leave was because he literally had no way of taking care of himself, I didn't really care what happened to him but I didn't want him blaming me and creating havoc in the rest of my life. A BPD having nothing to live for is a dangerous person in my opinion and I didn't want to be his target.

In the good times I tend to change my mind. I do enjoy his company on occasion and it just strengthens the betrayal bond. We had a particularly really bad day on Tuesday because of the social security stuff. It only took him calming down and telling me how much he loves me to get me to stop thinking about leaving. I wish I could control my emotions for him and shut off the love so I could make the decision. I really hate it when he tells me to leave, I feel betrayed every time even though deep down it's what I really want to do.

[living in the past]

 hi ,i hope things work out for you, if he ever tells you to leave,maybe call his bluff, not by leaving for good, but it sounds like you could use a vacation, not with him ,but away from him, so if you can get together with a friend of other family member it would be good to get away even if its only two days, best wishes to you, cloudy days,i hope the sun shines on you,

[seeking balance]

When I got on these boards I was very hopeful that I could create boundaries and make a better life for myself. I find that I have a hard time standing up to him though. One of the only times I tried to create a major boundary It back fired on me and he destroyed a lot of my personal stuff. I ended up taking him back anyways only because he was drunk when he did it and he also agreed to start getting therapy and stop drinking (he did stop drinking). However, if that's not going to make me want to leave then what will? I did read the book betrayal bonds, it was very eye opening and it hit very close to home for me. I know this is why I am still with him, there is no other explanation. And up until now part of the reason I felt I could not leave was because he literally had no way of taking care of himself, I didn't really care what happened to him but I didn't want him blaming me and creating havoc in the rest of my life. A BPD having nothing to live for is a dangerous person in my opinion and I didn't want to be his target.

That book was a good one for me too.  It sounds like you are taking an honest inventory (step 5) and there is a time when we must choose a path... . I know this is not easy, but it does sound like you are getting closer to finalizing your choice.

I am sorry this is all happening - I know it is so hard.

Peace,

SB

[Cloudy Days]

I guess what I am struggling with the most is how to actually leave. My husband is at home at all times so their is no chance of me having even an hour to myself to pack some stuff and leave. If it's gonna happen, I might be able to take a suitcase. I am worried about my dogs, I fear he might hurt them if I leave them behind however I know that if I take them then he would be more likely to come after me. It's probably one of the bigger reasons I haven't tried to leave. I know that he would hate himself if he ever hurt them because they are truly one of the only things he cares about in this world.

I have been waiting for him to get this money, It's taking its sweet time though and our neighbors are provoking him which makes him turn on me. Well I think my husband is provoking the neighbors and he sees himself as the victim. He's been wanting to pack all our stuff and move to my parents run down house that is barely livable until he gets his money. He makes everything so difficult and I am sick of it. I read a quote from someone on this board the other day that said you should choose the one person in this life that stresses you out the least to marry. Boy did I choose the wrong person, not only does he make hard things more stressful, he makes things that should be fun a nightmare too. I literally have no joy in my life because he is in it.

[living in the past]

 hi, i like the quote at the bottom of your post, like most of us we are waiting for the storm to pass, and to salvage this day, keep dancing keep trying,and someday the day will be a good one.