When a Non-BPD Should Seek Professional Help

[BabeRuthless]

Am so glad to have found this online community. What are experiences of folks here with seeking professional help from a therapist, once you are aware that you're dealing with BPD in a loved one or are an adult child of BPD caregiver who shaped your world?

I am feeling preoccupied/"obsessed" with BPD now that I know what has been going on in my family. Am talking about it very often with my (wonderful) husband, who I don't want to distress or alienate by constantly discussing mental illness and its effects on me. When is it appropriate to seek a counselor? 

[cobaltblue]

It is appropriate to seek a counselor now if you have access to one!

A counselor helped me first identify behavioral traits I was thinking, helped me rationalize that I was not the ill one, helped me with healing and even crossing the bridge to exiting an unhealthy relationship.

Highly recommended. Welcome to the forums!

[Lise]

Welcome BabeRuthless. 

In my opinion it's appropriate to seek professional help, when you think you might benefit from it. Perhaps you'll find it's sufficient to have one to five sessions with the therapist to sort out your thoughts, or perhaps you'll find it meaningful to begin a more thorough piece of therapeutic work ... . you are the only one who can decide what will be helpful for you in your current situation.

Just do yourself the favor of seeking out the right therapist for you, for instance by asking people you know who they've had a good experience with and check to see what kind of qualifications the therapist has.

As to experiences: I am so very happy I decided to seek out a professional psychologist's help, it has helped me tremendously to sort all the confusion, the doubt, the self-loathing, the insecurity etc. stemming from my relationship with my BPD-mom. I couldn't do it on my own since I really didn't know which thoughts were my own, and which were mirror-images of my mother's thinking.

Best of luck!

[jessienbp]

I believe all people affected by BPDs should at least try therapy sooner rather than later. Just my opinion, but dealing intimately with BPDs does really mess one up in the head, in my experience.

[Coral]

I can't begin to tell you where I'd be if it hadn't been for my therapist.  Out of the thousands of words of guidance he gave me, the most important is "If you are involved with a BPD, it's not IF you'll get nailed again and again, but WHEN."  I still have my BPD sib in my life because of her children and, maybe once a year, she manages to kick me squarely in the teeth.  In fact, it just happened.

She's made an absolutely ridiculous request of me and I am fighting inwardly to keep from knuckling under.   

I've been in therapy off and on for fifteen years.  Something or her, will badly trigger me and I'll go into therapy for a few months... . then maybe not see the therapist for a year. 

[BabeRuthless]

Thanks all for replies. One reason I'm hesitating on professional help is that I'm not sure what my goal is: to vent (feels good in short term but ultimately not very helpful); for affirmation/validation that BPD experiences are real and not exaggerated on my part (I really need this); or to learn new outlooks, behaviors and coping skills. I want to be clear about what I'm after before I start, rather than drift into an open-ended, expensive, and time-consuming therapeutic relationship.

I also want to distinguish, in my mind, between dealing with 1) the lingering effects of my childhood BPD caregiver and 2) interacting, and setting boundaries with, living loved ones (mother with uBPD/NPD and twin sister, diagnosed with borderline traits). Even after so many years, I still have anxiety, dread, etc. from former, and I tend to worry constantly about the latter.   

 

[jessienbp]

BabeRuthless,


Actually, it does sound like you have a good sense of what you want out of therapy.

Not just to vent, but to understand, be affirmed, undo some of the emotional damage, learn coping skills, etc.

A *good* therapist will not just let you vent and not do anything him/herself to help you. Or let you go on seeing him/her without goals and results for years.

Mind you, there are bad therapists out there who will -- so it is CRUCIAL you interview potential therapists, explain your issues and what you feel you need (and don't want), and let them explain what they can/will do for you. And that it matches what you feel you need.

Shop around. No good therapist will object to being questioned about their experience with dealing with BPD survivors, their methods/treatment plan(s), and how they think they can help you and how they would proceed. Shop around until you hear something that says  in a little (or loud) voice to your spirit and psyche: "Yes, that sounds like it *would* help me; where I am now, and to get where I want to be."

Nor will any ethical therapist mind if you tell them politely after a session or five that their approach, or your chemistry -- very important, the chemistry -- just isn't working for you, and you intend to look elsewhere.

As for unethical therapists, who needs them? If they try to guilt you about it, just leave and don't look back.

Remember, *you* and you alone get to decide how long you see a therapist, not them -- like I said, a one-session trial or even phone interview of them is accepted as normal, wise, and standard practice -- so don't think of it as some trap that will keep you going if it's not doing anything for you.

[Sandcastle]

I went to my therapist before I even knew what BPD was. I just knew something was wrong in my life--and probably me--but didn't know what it was. Took me 4 1/2 years to come to terms with her having BPD and me not being the problem or causing the problem or having one at all.

I'm glad I went, but I haven't seen one in 5 years since I moved and could probably use another. Actually found one for three sessions, but she wasn't terribly effective so I stopped. But if you have the means to go, it's probably worth it. Otherwise everything keeps going in circles in your head, and you keep trying to justify stuff that either can't or doesn't need to be and it's good to have an outside perspective.

Actually, it sounds like you're trying very hard to have control and rationalize everything (a habit formed after a chaotic childhood? I do this too, to the point of talking myself out of things that are good for me) about therapy, when this is one thing that isn't so neatly laid out. You can go in with a plan on what to say, but then the T will say something that completely derails your plan. It is and isn't open-ended; you can stop when you want to stop. But the control and laying out of plans only works to a certain point, and that's hard to let go of.

[BabeRuthless]

All input so helpful. Sandcastle, you're right... . I try to be rationalize and control. When I was a child, I remember thinking I wanted to be like Mr. Spock on StarTrek. Things felt so wildly out of control.

One reason I want to have goals is that I went to a caring and effective pastoral counselor when I was about 23 (I'm 51 now), and saw him weekly for probably six years. I didn't know what had been wrong with my caregiver, or what was happening with my mother and twin. This relationship helped me tremendously, but boy was it expensive, and I was so lost and so alone at that time in my life that I felt very dependent on him.

Now that I know what BPD is (and I've literally been crying with relief since I found this board), I think I need some help. Maybe the thought of a therapist reminds me of a time in my life that was just awful, and of a me that was lost and had no coping skills... . and of my own self-loathing then. Does this make sense? I keep telling myself that now is not then... . that I am in a completely different place. And maybe it's okay if therapist says something that derails my plan. 

I think I'll start exploring. Thanks for great input, all.   

[BabeRuthless]

Was thinking more today about therapy and another possible reason to consider it:  It's hard to bear, alone, the shame and even self-hatred that are triggered as I become more aware of longtime coping mechanisms after being raised by a pwBPD and having a mother and twin with these features.

For me, these include withdrawal and avoidance; passive-aggression; and constant people-pleasing. I am relentlessly nice, observant, flexible, accommodating, and agreeable. I try to fit in. I feel I must salve others' hurt, or rescue them from pain, illness, negative moods, or boredom... . and fear I'll be abandoned if I don't do that. I  want to be perceived as generous, unassailable, and indispensable. I see that, for most of my life, massive overcompensation has been the rule. I have wanted to be, to borrow a phrase from Dr. Dina Glouberman's The Joy of Burnout, "the girl with the candle."  No wonder fatigue and dread set in. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be accepted and loved as an ordinary, flawed human being, without having to earn love? Not to have to compete and perform to try to get normal needs seen and met, in an environment that had so many ill people in it?

Do others here feel shame or self-loathing for how long you might have tried to compensate for devastating deficits, or how you did this? 


     

[Sunnys Blues]

I saw a therapist long before I realized there was a diganosis for what my mother was/is. One took my money, my time, and didn't help. His focus was- what should I do to get along with her?  Uh-uh. That's the wrong approach.

At the time, my hubby was my best friend, no prospect of us being romantic. As my best friend, he asked me to attend a session he had with his therapist. 15 minutes with her, and I realized my current counselor was not equipped to help me with my mother. I sent my then-counselor a note I would no longer be needing his services, and scheduled a session with my current therapist for the next day.

Here's how I knew she was the right person to help me- she called me out flat on a bs statement I made. No namby-pamby worrying about my feelings. I hadn't even said anything to her about my mom, and she then goes- so, tell me about your family of origin... .

Yup. I now prefer a LMFT, someone who helps you look at your family of origin issues, and helps you figure out how you are going to get better, even if the rest of your family stays a mess.

I won't lie, it was a lot of hard work. A lot of writing. A lot of feelings. Like a lot of children raised by a parent with BPD, I NEVER learned to express my feelings. I never talked about my feelings. If you asked me how I "felt" about something, I would give you my logical answer.  It was a lot of hard work when I decided to move from NC to LC with my uBPD mom. Now that all of this has gone pear shaped, I am back doing more "mom" work with my therapist.

[jessienbp]

Was thinking more today about therapy and another possible reason to consider it:  It's hard to bear, alone, the shame and even self-hatred that are triggered as I become more aware of longtime coping mechanisms after being raised by a pwBPD and having a mother and twin with these features.

For me, these include withdrawal and avoidance; passive-aggression; and constant people-pleasing. I am relentlessly nice, observant, flexible, accommodating, and agreeable. I try to fit in. I feel I must salve others' hurt, or rescue them from pain, illness, negative moods, or boredom... . and fear I'll be abandoned if I don't do that. I  want to be perceived as generous, unassailable, and indispensable. I see that, for most of my life, massive overcompensation has been the rule. I have wanted to be, to borrow a phrase from Dr. Dina Glouberman's The Joy of Burnout, "the girl with the candle."  No wonder fatigue and dread set in. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be accepted and loved as an ordinary, flawed human being, without having to earn love? Not to have to compete and perform to try to get normal needs seen and met, in an environment that had so many ill people in it?

Do others here feel shame or self-loathing for how long you might have tried to compensate for devastating deficits, or how you did this?  


   

Yup. And boy do i relate to the rest, too.

of course, there IS a unique pleasure and gratification to helping others. That urge is not all dysfunction. That's why they recommend doing volunteer work as a therapy for depression. (Not that I am saying that's appropriate in your case. I'm not talking about BPD-raised depression.) But don't be TOO down on yourself for wanting to help others. As long as it's not at your own expense, of course.

But it's never good to see ourselves as just a mass of pathologies.

[BabeRuthless]

Jess: No, we don't want to see ourselves as a walking pathology (though I sometimes do).

I think of it this way: being raised by a person with BPD, strengths and good qualities can get hijacked in service of survival and self-protection... . kindness and caring become people-pleasing; sensitivity or good powers of observation become hypervigilance; a keen mind can get almost obsessed with trying to understand and figure things out; etc.  In a similar way, our vulnerabilities can also be magnified: a tendency toward introversion or quietness can become withdrawal or avoidance; a predisposition toward fear can grow into terror; etc.

It's hard to have self-compassion, but I guess it's the only real first step in starting to heal.