After 6yrs out, we are friends now, but she hasn't changed...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. This forum helped me heal by understanding myself & my ex N/BPD back in 2007-8.  Since then, my ex and I have been friends for the past 3yrs, but the angry outbursts and verbal abuse hasn't changed. Two yrs ago I bought her the book Walking On Eggshells hoping she would get it.  I understand that her admitting it could at least be the first step in her getting help. Instead, she told me I gave it to her because she really thinks it was my way of telling her I'm BPD, and that it was cute of me.   

I KNOW I have to end our friendship because I just feel so anxious and emotionally drained after being around her for a while, and when I get home.

I am no longer attracted to her, but she makes me laugh like no one else can, and she's a lot of fun to hang with, at first. I see her around as we are in the same 12 step program, and we don't live far from each other.

I just learned that she is/was dating a newcomer to AA (12 step program) when the newcomer had 2 mos sober, and too, the woman is married; this woman relapsed after a horrible argument with my ex when she had 9mos sober (recently). I was disappointed in my ex upon learning this because she leads everyone to believe that she's Miss AA.

I ended up taking a huge risk and reaching out to this other woman. We had a lot to talk about, and had a lot of the same stories about my ex's behavior (mainly her anger). At first I felt validated and energized by our conversation, but as the day went on, I felt drained. I think because I know that reaching out to her was none of my business & it brought drama to my life that I want to avoid. I haven't contacted this other woman or my ex since then (2 weeks ago). I need to stay far far away from those two and their lives.

Anyway, just wanted people to know that what they say here is the truth: IT DOES NOT CHANGE WITH THEM. Also, I'm still healing... . it's a process. Being good to ourselves isn't easy.

[letitgo]

Hi everyone. This forum helped me heal by understanding myself & my ex N/BPD back in 2007-8.  Since then, my ex and I have been friends for the past 3yrs, but the angry outbursts and verbal abuse hasn't changed. Two yrs ago I bought her the book Walking On Eggshells hoping she would get it.  I understand that her admitting it could at least be the first step in her getting help. Instead, she told me I gave it to her because she really thinks it was my way of telling her I'm BPD, and that it was cute of me.   

I KNOW I have to end our friendship because I just feel so anxious and emotionally drained after being around her for a while, and when I get home.

I am no longer attracted to her, but she makes me laugh like no one else can, and she's a lot of fun to hang with, at first. I see her around as we are in the same 12 step program, and we don't live far from each other.

I just learned that she is/was dating a newcomer to AA (12 step program) when the newcomer had 2 mos sober, and too, the woman is married; this woman relapsed after a horrible argument with my ex when she had 9mos sober (recently). I was disappointed in my ex upon learning this because she leads everyone to believe that she's Miss AA.

I ended up taking a huge risk and reaching out to this other woman. We had a lot to talk about, and had a lot of the same stories about my ex's behavior (mainly her anger). At first I felt validated and energized by our conversation, but as the day went on, I felt drained. I think because I know that reaching out to her was none of my business & it brought drama to my life that I want to avoid. I haven't contacted this other woman or my ex since then (2 weeks ago). I need to stay far far away from those two and their lives.

Anyway, just wanted people to know that what they say here is the truth: IT DOES NOT CHANGE WITH THEM. Also, I'm still healing... . it's a process. Being good to ourselves isn't easy.

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Letitgo! I so needed to read this today!

It seems like a very healty decision to stay out of their drama cycle. But in some way it must be validating to know that she doesnt change.

Instead, she told me I gave it to her because she really thinks it was my way of telling her I'm BPD, and that it was cute of me.  huh

It made me laugh... . although it is sad in its nature.

[rozenmaiden]

It is strange how they try to tell everyone else they are the wrong or crazy ones. We all have faults but it seems as though they will accept their own imperfections just enough to bring us back in, but never genuinely consider themselves as the issue.

I think it is a good idea to stay away from it all. Have you considered finding another AA group minus your BPD ex? It may be easier to move on if you don't have to see this person when you are trying to heal not one but to wounds. I would love to be friends with my ex but I know that there will never be a time that I will be ok with having that anger directed at me. Even if it is about someone else, I don't ever want to hear it again.

[letitgo]

Thanks Letitgo! I so needed to read this today! But in some way it must be validating to know that she doesn't change

Thank you Dog Biscuit ! I don't feel comfort in knowing she won't change, though. Since being friends with her in past 3 yrs she's revealed things to me about herself (e.g. Almost being fired from a job because of her outbursts with employees--she took a job transfer to avoid being fired) that leads me to believe that she knows she has a problem. But, then, when things are going well, she says it's everybody else's problem. In some crazy way I care about her and I want her to get better, but she hasn't admitted SHE has the problem. Every 4 yrs she goes from east to west coast to avoid same job scenario.

[letitgo]

It is strange how they try to tell everyone else they are the wrong or crazy ones. We all have faults but it seems as though they will accept their own imperfections just enough to bring us back in, but never genuinely consider themselves as the issue.

I think it is a good idea to stay away from it all. Have you considered finding another AA group minus your BPD ex? It may be easier to move on if you don't have to see this person when you are trying to heal not one but to wounds. I would love to be friends with my ex but I know that there will never be a time that I will be ok with having that anger directed at me. Even if it is about someone else, I don't ever want to hear it again.

Rosenmaiden:

As far as AA mtgs go, I don't worry that she'll show up at mine too much... . she doesn't even go to mtgs, really. Plus, I have support from others in program. I've moved on, but there is still a huge part of me that cares about her, and I easily feel I want to be around her because she can be so much fun to be with.

[rozenmaiden]

Rosenmaiden:

As far as AA mtgs go, I don't worry that she'll show up at mine too much... . she doesn't even go to mtgs, really. Plus, I have support from others in program. I've moved on, but there is still a huge part of me that cares about her, and I easily feel I want to be around her because she can be so much fun to be with. [/quote]
Ok I can see that. I just have a hard time separating my feelings with my ex. Probably just because it is newer and I know I will fall right back in if I see him. I am glad you have a good group of people around you! Very important and I hope you keep doing well. 

[letitgo]

[/quote]
Ok I can see that. I just have a hard time separating my feelings with my ex. Probably just because it is newer and I know I will fall right back in if I see him. I am glad you have a good group of people around you! Very important and I hope you keep doing well.  [/quote]
Rosenmaiden: It took me so long (2yrs--or longer) to be able to separate my feelings from my ex. In the beginning I avoided AA mtgs that I thought she'd be at. The fact that this woman is now going through what I went through ( being hooked--not able to get away from my exN/BPD) brought back a lot of feelings for me, and really is why I came back to this forum. My relationship with her taught me so much, but I lost so much dignity by choosing not to leave sooner.