Financial Pressures (impossible situation)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in an emotional recovery process for an eating disorder (outpatient), and so taking care of my spouse with BPD has been tough on me. I love him though, and I have been working hard to keep both of us calm and centered emotionally. I have tried to reducing stress for us both, and working toward both having more good times together. Due to my spouse not being able to handle stress/criticism without it being a trigger, I had decided to take on the task of managing our money. I checked our accounts, paid our bills, and kept all of our financial budgeting in order---that was until a few weeks ago. I hit a rough patch in my own recovery (ED), and was very emotional every single day. Feeling so emotional, coupled with the stress of not stressing out my spouse caused me to overspend. I bought things for myself, I bought things for my spouse, and I bought things for us as a couple to enjoy. My goal was happiness, closeness, and a self-care for us both during such a tough time in our lives. I just got a brand-new job, but found out it only pays every 2-weeks. The problem is that I was finally happy enough to rejoin my duties as financial planner, and when I checked our account we have NOTHING. We are 400.00 short on ALL of our bills, and I called creditors to tell them our payments will be late. The problem is that I feel guilty, stressed, ashamed, and scared. I have never been late on so many bills in my life. I am scared of my credit getting damaged. I feel like a horrible person for this (which isn't good for my own ED), and I feel a secret disappointment that my spouse isn't able to handle financial issues without getting triggered from the stress. I feel like his illness is putting so much pressure on me, and in a way I am starting to feel a slow (but rising) negative feeling toward how unhelpful he can be in a crisis. He will just get upset, angry, and then becomes filled with panic (so, I have to pretend everything will be fine and calm him down). I know it may sound selfish, but i am sincerely so very scared (terrified even) about not paying my bills---and though I love him, I am starting to feel run down from having to handle the pressure of looking after us both. Thanks for listening!   

[JennaLindsey]

I am in an emotional recovery process for an eating disorder (outpatient), and so taking care of my spouse with BPD has been tough on me. I love him though, and I have been working hard to keep both of us calm and centered emotionally. I have tried to reducing stress for us both, and working toward both having more good times together. Due to my spouse not being able to handle stress/criticism without it being a trigger, I had decided to take on the task of managing our money. I checked our accounts, paid our bills, and kept all of our financial budgeting in order---that was until a few weeks ago. I hit a rough patch in my own recovery (ED), and was very emotional every single day. Feeling so emotional, coupled with the stress of not stressing out my spouse caused me to overspend. I bought things for myself, I bought things for my spouse, and I bought things for us as a couple to enjoy. My goal was happiness, closeness, and a self-care for us both during such a tough time in our lives. I just got a brand-new job, but found out it only pays every 2-weeks. The problem is that I was finally happy enough to rejoin my duties as financial planner, and when I checked our account we have NOTHING. We are 400.00 short on ALL of our bills, and I called creditors to tell them our payments will be late. The problem is that I feel guilty, stressed, ashamed, and scared. I have never been late on so many bills in my life. I am scared of my credit getting damaged. I feel like a horrible person for this (which isn't good for my own ED), and I feel a secret disappointment that my spouse isn't able to handle financial issues without getting triggered from the stress. I feel like his illness is putting so much pressure on me, and in a way I am starting to feel a slow (but rising) negative feeling toward how unhelpful he can be in a crisis. He will just get upset, angry, and then becomes filled with panic (so, I have to pretend everything will be fine and calm him down). I know it may sound selfish, but i am sincerely so very scared (terrified even) about not paying my bills---and though I love him, I am starting to feel run down from having to handle the pressure of looking after us both. Thanks for listening!   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hi Jenna,

sounds like you hit another rock bottom  .

I am in an emotional recovery process for an eating disorder (outpatient), and so taking care of my spouse with BPD has been tough on me. I love him though, and I have been working hard to keep both of us calm and centered emotionally. I have tried to reducing stress for us both, and working toward both having more good times together. Due to my spouse not being able to handle stress/criticism without it being a trigger, I had decided to take on the task of managing our money. I checked our accounts, paid our bills, and kept all of our financial budgeting in order---that was until a few weeks ago. I hit a rough patch in my own recovery (ED), and was very emotional every single day. Feeling so emotional, coupled with the stress of not stressing out my spouse caused me to overspend. I bought things for myself, I bought things for my spouse, and I bought things for us as a couple to enjoy. My goal was happiness, closeness, and a self-care for us both during such a tough time in our lives. I just got a brand-new job, but found out it only pays every 2-weeks. The problem is that I was finally happy enough to rejoin my duties as financial planner, and when I checked our account we have NOTHING. We are 400.00 short on ALL of our bills, and I called creditors to tell them our payments will be late. The problem is that I feel guilty, stressed, ashamed, and scared. I have never been late on so many bills in my life. I am scared of my credit getting damaged. I feel like a horrible person for this (which isn't good for my own ED), and I feel a secret disappointment that my spouse isn't able to handle financial issues without getting triggered from the stress. I feel like his illness is putting so much pressure on me, and in a way I am starting to feel a slow (but rising) negative feeling toward how unhelpful he can be in a crisis. He will just get upset, angry, and then becomes filled with panic (so, I have to pretend everything will be fine and calm him down). I know it may sound selfish, but i am sincerely so very scared (terrified even) about not paying my bills---and though I love him, I am starting to feel run down from having to handle the pressure of looking after us both. Thanks for listening!   

keeping the books balanced with all this pressure is a hard but very necessary job. And overspending when emotionally needy is common and very common on this board. And it is something that can be very destructive as financial pressure is restricting the freedom to act and deal with emergencies in a calmer way. It is good to hear that you are usually keeping a tight ship and dealt with the consequences of the recent splurge immediately and personally  There may have been some damage but it will be limited and you have learned something on finding other ways to cope. Don't put yourself down, you are dealing with an extremely difficult and taxing situation. Errors are expected - what is important how you deal with them.

[formflier]

I found it helpful to think through priorities.

Up until a year ago... . I was never late on anything. 

The family drama of dealing with BPD, pouring myself into a new job (that looks to be a good long term thing), trying to keep things stable around the house... etc etc... was just too much.

I think I am getting a handle on what is going on in my family.  Once I get a handle on that... . I will see if I can get a handle on finances.

uBPDw has done some big moves lately... . and in the big scheme of things... . I would not want to be in the position of saving the $$ and loosing my wife.  So... . if some money gets messed up... . so be it

Hang in there!