Going away for a few weeks - how best to put him at ease and set boundaries?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm going away for four weeks, I know my pwBPD struggles when I am away and it often leads to very difficult, upsetting and nasty calls from him, ranting down the phone at me and being pretty hateful.

I want to make sure he feels ok about me going away (which is pretty difficult because he knows our relationship is on rocky ground and is therefore thinking I'm not going to come back) and I also want to make sure I set some boundaries this time (something I'd not though of before until my recent visits to this site!) so that he knows it's not acceptable to make those kind of calls etc.

Does anyone have any suggestions for good ways to talk about this? I'm concerned that when I try to set the boundaries he will see it as me not being there for him whilst I'm away, so want to make sure I have a really effective conversation with him about it all before I go.

[Littleleft]

I'm going away for four weeks, I know my pwBPD struggles when I am away and it often leads to very difficult, upsetting and nasty calls from him, ranting down the phone at me and being pretty hateful.

I want to make sure he feels ok about me going away (which is pretty difficult because he knows our relationship is on rocky ground and is therefore thinking I'm not going to come back) and I also want to make sure I set some boundaries this time (something I'd not though of before until my recent visits to this site!) so that he knows it's not acceptable to make those kind of calls etc.

Does anyone have any suggestions for good ways to talk about this? I'm concerned that when I try to set the boundaries he will see it as me not being there for him whilst I'm away, so want to make sure I have a really effective conversation with him about it all before I go.

[Surnia]

Hi Littleleft

I would talk early about it, and validate his feelings.

Perhaps when time is near you are leaving you can tell him that you will not stay on the phone when he got nasty.

Some thoughts if you don't mind: You are posting this on undecided, so some of his concerns may be generally valid about fears of abandonment through separation.

It is more important in my eyes that you are okay with going away. And it is perhaps difficult to make it okay for him. If he doesn't like it it will be like this. You cannot prevent another persons emotions. What you can do is protect yourself when it gets nasty or hateful.

[Littleleft]

Thanks for your comments Surnia.

You are right that some of his feelings re me leaving are valid in that our relationship is at crisis point at the moment.  This has not been the case when I've been away in the past and his behaviour has still been terrible, so I am particularly worried about how it will be this time.

To give a bit more info, I am going to visit my family who live in a different country and who I don't get to see very often.  I am going with my grandparents and as they are getting older it's probably the last time they will do the trip as it's getting a bit much for them.  So I really don't want anything going on between me and my other half to taint their trip. (My other half isn't coming because his behaviour has been so bad in the last year that it doesn't seem right to potentially inflict that on other people, particularly when we would be so far away and he couldn't just go home, and he knows that is the best thing unfortunately in this case)

I also really need to have a good break and enjoy the time with my family.  Things have been so stressful at home for a long time now.  I need some good head space too to think about what going on at home and what I need to do about it.

Equally, even though I'm depressed ands hurting for the way he's treated me, I don't want my other half to feel bad, and I want him to be able to enjoy a break from our difficulties too.  Hence why I'm so anxious to get things right in how I speak to him before I go.

[Surnia]

What you are doing, seeing your family abroad and doing it with your grandparents are really important things, and in a healthy relationship this would be something normal.

And as a probably small consolation: Situation like yours about trips without SO, are discussed from time to time, so you are not alone.

What is your biggest fear about his reaction about your trip?

[Littleleft]

I'm worried that there'll be times when he will call repeatedly and be angry, ranting down the phone at me and upsetting me, in turn upsetting all my family. 

On a previous occasion, he repeatedly called to give me a hard time, so I told him I wouldn't answer if we couldn't have a civil conversation so he called my dads mobile whilst I was out shopping with my parents and sister - my dad answers the phone not knowing the problems I was having and passed me his mobile and then my SO ranted abuse at me down the phone, so I ended up in tears in a mall with my family wondering what on earth he was doing behaving like that.  At least they know now how things really are this time, so if I'm having a difficult day with him I can tell them not to answer the phone to him (after I've set the boundary with him, rather than just ignoring him, that's not what I mean).

Things have been difficult for quite a while now but have escalated to be even worse in the last year.  There have been so many angry hate-filled rants where he verbally rips me to pieces that I'm at the end of my tether, and where previously I might have been able to put a brave face on for a while it pretty much just makes me want to burst into tears straight from the onset now. I don't want this trip to be marred with memories of me being upset all the time, for me and for for family.

I also don't want him to be feeling bad whilst I'm away. It could be very good for him to have some time away from me and I'd like him to make the most of it, to learn that he can cope without me, maybe learn some self-soothing and get a confidence boost from having coped without me by the time I come home.

[InSearchofMe]

A bit about me.  I am most definitely on the staying side.  My pwBPD has a very difficult time when I go out of town even for a few days. I love him dearly and hate to see him hurt.  I wish I could do things to fix it.  One of the hardest things for me is remembering that I cannot fix how he feels.

Chances are, your pwBPD will feel bad wile you are away.  And, if you enforce the boundaries you are establishing for your time away, he will probably exhibit extinction burst behaviors during this time that will be painful for YOU to deal with. Especially in the early days of you being gone.

As scary as dealing with this type of behavior has been for me, it has only been by going through this that I realized that giving into this type of thing only hurts him.  I must enforce the boundaries I establish to give him the opportunity to self-soothe and help himself to feel different.

I hope you have the courage to let go and let him face what he feels.  I know it is still hard for me to do this. 

Keep talking with him and help both of you prepare for what is coming up.  And know that we are here to support you through what can be a very difficult time.  That is really the point of you going.

[Littleleft]

Thanks InSearchofMe.  I hope things continue to get better for you.

On the positive side there are some elements that are much better than when I've been away before which might help - he's now recovering in aa rather than drinking a lot every day and has a great sponsor who he trusts and feels able to talk to, my family and his are both more away of what's really going on now, and I've found this website too, so I'm learning so much to help us and it will help that I can pop on here for a bit of advice if needed too!

I wasn't aware before of how I was wrong in the way I way trying to tackle things and in particular how I was not setting boundaries properly.  Thank you for mentioning extinction bursts too InSearchofMe, I will try to remember that this will probably happen and I must stay strong if I want to help us both.

[InSearchofMe]

Littleleft I am glad to hear that he has support that he feels comfortable with.  That should be very helpful while you are away. 

One thing I have found helpful when I have to travel is to set expectations about contact between us while I am gone.  My pwBPD knows I will call him when I arrive at my destination and that I will call him once per day and approximately what time I will call.  It seems to be helpful that I make the call for a couple of reasons.  First it demonstrates that I am making the effort for contact.  He sees this as validating. Especially when I am gone for more than a day or two my regular calls help him see I am not abandoning him.  Second, this helps me set a boundary that constant contact while I am away is not going to happen.  In the beginning of a trip, he may try to contact me multiple times. but I do not respond and remind him (gently) when we do talk that I have things going on and will talk at the appointed time.

Just knowing what could happen and being prepared for it has made travelling much less stressful for me.

[Littleleft]

That all sounds like a good plan InSearchofMe!

I will have a talk with him about it tonight.  I do usually do the calling from my end, and we usually Skype so we can see each other too.  It can be difficult to always call at the same time every day with the time difference and both of our schedules, but I'll suggest a time for us to aim for unless either of us has plans.

Setting some expectations beforehand is definitely a good idea, so I will do that.  I'm sure sticking to my boundaries will be key, but I will be prepared for that this time!

Thanks for all your help!

[InSearchofMe]

If setting a standard time for contact each day won't be practical, perhaps saying something like, 'each day when we talk the last thing we will discuss is when we will talk next' might work better.  If I set a constant and then change it more than once, my pwBPD can see it as invalidating. 

[Littleleft]

Thanks InSearchofMe - that's what we usually do, I'll stick to that then!

I'm so worried about things going wrong that I'm potentially messing about with the bits that did work!

[InSearchofMe]

Sounds to me like you are doing well in preparing for this.  You're asking questions and considering options.  And it should feel good that you are realizing there are some things you have already put into practice that are constructive.  Be gentle with yourself and realize it is OK to not get everything perfect.  So pleased for you that you are going to get a much needed mental and emotional rest on this trip.  I know the time leading up to it can make the pressure seem worse.  Hang in there!

[Littleleft]

Thank you so much InSearchofMe! You really have helped me in hurts run up to this trip!