Once again, he showed his true colors

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPD emailed me and I felt like I couldn't not respond. Over the last week we texted and emailed back and forth... . but he began showing his true colors very quickly... . making promises with no follow-through, and I actually caught him in a couple lies. I emailed him last night and told him that this was the end of our story and said goodbye. I told him he isn't the same man that I fell in love with and maybe I never knew him at all - that he is a skilled chameleon. He responded back angrily, which I anticipated, but I will not reply this time.

I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

[crushed_to_pieces]

My exBPD emailed me and I felt like I couldn't not respond. Over the last week we texted and emailed back and forth... . but he began showing his true colors very quickly... . making promises with no follow-through, and I actually caught him in a couple lies. I emailed him last night and told him that this was the end of our story and said goodbye. I told him he isn't the same man that I fell in love with and maybe I never knew him at all - that he is a skilled chameleon. He responded back angrily, which I anticipated, but I will not reply this time.

I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

[Emelie Emelie]

Crushed - I feel your pain.  I have also felt like I was barely surviving each day, that I just couldn't take the pain anymore.  The feeling that I would never overcome this.  Feeling permanently damaged.  Feeling like an addict... . that he was my Heroin.  Knowing he'd completely ruin me in the end but not caring when I so desperately needed a "fix".  I've felt exactly like you do.  Still do. 

So how do we detach?  Not easily... . that's for sure.  The best advice for me was to just let myself feel the pain.  The whole "the only way out of it is through it" concept.  For some reason that calmed me.  Made me feel less crazy.  Letting myself feel the pain is hard, and scary.  But then we realize it won't kill us.  It really, really sucks but it doesn't kill us.

We also do it one day at a time.  We do better some days than others.  And that's okay.  But it really helps me to try and just focus on today.  Do the best I can today.  I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but I'll deal with that tomorrow. 

You, my dear Crushed, have already taken great steps towards detaching.  By choosing not to reply.  Not get sucked in to an angry exchange.  That's big.  Be proud of that.  This is all so very hard.  You're doing great.   

[crushed_to_pieces]

Thank you so much, Emelie. Just knowing that you completely understand and can empathize with my pain helps me realize I'm not alone. Your encouragement means everything to me. 

[Narellan]

Well said Em   we are living the same stage ATM. Crushed tp I'm so sad to read your story. You sound like you've hit total rock bottom and can't see a way out. It's really huge to have all those plans for the future and then have that dream come crashing down. Please read through my prior posts. I was feeling as you are just a few weeks ago and really just wanted the pain to end. I'm so exhausted by my story, so can't repost it but a quick run down my exBPD split me black then replaced me 2 days later with my best friend of 20 years. I was so devastated by the agony that I had lost him for good, there was no going back from this. And the agony of losing my friend compounded my despair. I really hit rock bottom and struggled to see a way out. So I just cried my heart out. For days. And at the end I felt something like a peace and acceptance. And within a few days I could see a new path and what I needed to do to move on. And weeks later I am smiling and calm, and truly starting to feel myself again.

Emilie and I have been on similar pages, and she has covered things well and given you some good advice. It will be difficult for you to go NC as you need to be able to talk out the wedding plans etc. just take a little bit of time to read up on here, others stories and lessons, until you are truly sure what your decision will be.

If you are truly wanting to leave the relationship, I would say to you it's such a godsend you didn't marry him first. So many stories on here of people who did that and found it all the harder to break away from later.

We all feel your pain here, and are do sorry you are going through this.

As you feel the pain, answers will start to come to you.

I know you don't feel it, but you have so much strength and spirit. Big hugs to you, and keep posting sweetie, it's the best place in the world to vent and feel heard.

[neverloveagain]

It takes time to heal and move forward. Grieve properly and in the healthy way theres good advice in the web section. I find what helps me with bad thoughts is to find a quiet spot in my mind by a river on a sunny day and i place the bad thoughts one at a time onto paper boats then place them on the river and watch them drift down stream . Now give yourself permission to have fun do somethings you want to do or have been putting off you are free to do whatever you wish. Best of luck hang in there. Its about you now.

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, Crushed.  Thinking this morning of my mother who used to say, "misery loves company."  I really believe they are so miserable, that they want nothing more than to make us writhe daily as they do.  Depending on what you read and by whom, you'll hear everything from they don't mean to; they aren't aware; they aren't in control, etc.  My "crushing" came this week after 10 months of selfless care for a man who returned home after three years of federal prison on fraud charges.  When he returned home, many of his worse BPD fears were validated:  he had been abandoned by family and friends, and his teenage sons wanted little or nothing to do with him.  His third wife (who he married twice?) had divorced him while he was in prison.  I am a "rescuer" (to my own financial, physical, and mental detriment) and I did all I could do to help:  literally equipping his home, clothing him, helping mend fences with his sons and his mother; guiding him through family law court; meeting regularly with his probation officer, writing a grant to keep him from eviction/homelessness:  the list goes on and on.  I nor anyone ever believed he didn't love me.  Then, this past week, and without warning; he decided to go silent.  I have absolutely no doubt that this is to punish me and/or to help him feel in control of a relationship in which he has felt utterly out of control.  I have co-dependent tendencies, but I'm not easily controlled.  Evidently, I am easily conned, and yes by a convicted Con Man this time.  The "CRUSH" is sometimes painful beyond belief.  I  have found the most relief from writing on this board and from reaching out to a friend who was BPD's neighbor; she has watched the entire drama unfold for ten  months, and keeps me grounded that he is the crazy one:  not I.  I also have found that the more "good" things you do for yourself (walk, dance, sing, read)--whatever it is that is healthy and makes you feel good sends a signal to your brain that you are taking care of you:  not him for a change.  What a relief.  In the midst of this, BPD knows that I have been at an all time as my son had to serve 8 days in county jail for DUI, as my younger daughter is graduating and leaving me in an empty nest.  Yes, Crushed, I had been making preparations for him to move in with a high likelihood of marriage in our near future.  What happened?  That's what's even crazier:  nothing! And if it did, I wouldn't know, because he refuses to communicate with me:  that is truly crushing. I read something last night on one of the other boards saying that the most cruel think you can do to a  human is to ignore them and in a way, deny them of their human-ness.  One other thing that is helping me (just a little) is the recognition that the "chimera" of a man I thought I loved doesn't exist, never existed, and our relationship (as I imagined it) will never exist again.  The NPD literature documents A LOT about how once you get to the other side (you are no longer idealized; you have been devalued and probably discarded), there is no going back.  Little bits and pieces of communication with BPD now will continue to impair our healing.  So, in some strange way, it helps me to know that I've gone to the other side, and there is no going back.  Like yours, mine will keep showing his true colors until we no longer allow them to do so.  And I'm afraid that is only accomplished by NO CONTACT.  Please give you a hug today--when we do contact them; let's go gentle on ourselves.  I think the lasting treatment for us is caring for ourselves as much or more than we have cared for them.  Please take care.

[LongGoneEx]

I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

A valid marriage is not possible when one of the partners has a serious mental illness which causes him to be a pathological liar who lives a selfish fantasy life in which he cannot perceive truth about himself or others. Love is also not possible under such circumstances, since love is synonymous with truth and concern for the other.

It's a good sign to me that you've seen through his mental illness-induced behaviors and you're not over-reacting to his nonsense. You're wise to ignore him completely. From what you've written it sounds like your mind realizes the truth of things as they are but your heart has yet to catch up with this truth. That is to be expected because you genuinely tried to love someone who turned out to be an emotional grifter.

Recovering from the worst of the emotional abuse this pwBPD inflicted on you is going to take time (read: months). The countdown clock on that starts when NC does.  Relationships and breakups activate portions of the brain which are also activated in addictions. So yes, it does feel like an addiction. All of this is even more severe in the dysfunctional, abusive relationship with a pwBPD/NPD.

In my view you are extremely fortunate that this marriage didn't happen. If this was to be a church wedding then keep in mind that many churches nowadays will not even marry someone with a personality disorder. There's a backlog of these mental illness cases clogging church marriage tribunals, creating a realization by churches and the psychiatrists who advise them that BPD/NPD etc. by its very nature rules out a valid, loving marriage. If you need convincing about what you were spared, just keep reading the boards here about people who did get married to a BPD/NPD spouse.

Here is truth: he never loved you, just as you say. Hang on to that. You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Probably in a few more months. 

[Emelie Emelie]

I don't believe that "he never loved you".  I don't believe my xBF never loved me.  Their love is mixed up and disordered but that doesn't mean they didn't love.  They hurt when that love is gone too.  They deal with it in all sorts of hurtful and damaging ways... . but it doesn't mean they don't feel the pain of loss as well.  I just hope we (I) can deal with our loss in a healthier way.  With them it just adds to their bottomless well of pain and disappointment. 

[Loveofhislife]

As I wrote earlier, depending on what and who you read, you may form different opinions about whether or not they ever loved, could love, etc.  Sam Vaknin, a prolific writer about NPD and a sufferer himself, explains over and over again that they love us the way a child loves a new toy.  Does a child really love the toy--absolutely, when it's shiny and new.  But what about when the toy gets a little rough around the edges?  What about when another child gets a new toy that is a later model?  The child now wants that toy and would gladly discard the original toy.  In the Greek language, there are many, many words describing all different kinds of love:  romantic love, parental love, brotherly love, etc.  In English, we basically only have one word.  It has helped me to realize that I was idealized, devalued, and discarded:  not much different than the child with the toy.  They ARE children emotionally; we love children; I know I love mine.  I loved and continue to love my BPD, but he has become a very dangerous drug.  When you realize that you were once a beloved object that lost its newness, then you can begin to realize that it's nothing you did and nothing you can do.  I am continuing to battle with intense anger at myself, because this is not my first BPD/NPD rodeo.  I can assure you there is recovery; I have been recovered.  But like an alcoholic, I need to make sure that I never take a drink again--or the same cycle will start all over.  I  have to work on ME and stop worrying about what's wrong with him.

[Narellan]

Thank you so much for your post LOHL. I found it very inciteful and a good reminder to see things for how they are 

[LongGoneEx]

Sam Vaknin, a prolific writer about NPD and a sufferer himself, explains over and over again that they love us the way a child loves a new toy.

Sam Vaknin has been categorized as a psychopath by some online writers, which is different than NPD although some of the behaviors overlap. Whatever Vaknin may be, there seems to be something off-kilter about his overcooked theories. And about his sheer volume of Internet output. I'd proceed with caution in suggesting him as an authority.

[Narellan]

I was just thinking about the idea he presents between likening love and a new toy. It kind of contradicts the recycling of BPD . Why would you go back to an old outdated toy? My kids certainly never did. I tend to think more that they are so conflicted and due to the turmoil they run away, then when they see there is no danger their flight mechanism stops, and they then have feelings of wanting to reconnect.

[Emelie Emelie]

Interesting point Narellan.  My T told me that I was part of the problem.  That relationships bring up all sorts of difficult and painful feelings for people with BPD.  So when the relationship got stressed, or he felt stressed about it, I was now the problem.  He could only relieve those feelings by staying away from me.  I think you've hit on something in reference to when they feel there's no more danger their flight mechanism stops.  When they've been away from us for awhile we no longer trigger those difficult and painful feelings.  So it may feel "safe" to reconnect with us at that point. 

It also might say something about why he's so angry at me. 

[LongGoneEx]

I was just thinking about the idea he presents between likening love and a new toy. It kind of contradicts the recycling of BPD . Why would you go back to an old outdated toy? My kids certainly never did.

That's a good point. A BPD is seeking validation of their personhood through another person. Or as my ex once put it in early dating: "I need the framework of another person to make sense of a relationship." That probably isn't what a normal child is doing when they play with a toy.  But in the sense that a pwBPD/NPD objectifies other persons, they are treating other persons as toys. Which is not love in any adult sense of the word.

[crushed_to_pieces]

Thank you all so very much for you love and support. I seriously don't know what I would do if I didn't have this forum to talk about this with all of you who share my deep pain. I am encouraged by your words and greatly appreciate each of your point of views.

Each one of you give me hope. Thank you my sweet friends 

[2010]

I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

Crushed,

     My heart goes out to you on this. I think we’ve all been there. When you answer the emails and demand reasons (and apologies) for the inappropriate behavior and they don’t come- it can be devastating.

Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse- only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you’ve crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder.)  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love- you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life *worth living* for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn’t understand love- they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is- otherwise they would feel it- you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You’ve got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting. 

[Narellan]

" you are lovable. The disorder wouldn't have been triggered otherwise "

I started to cry and couldnt stop when i read that. that spoke volumes to me. 2010 thank you for posting. I find your advice very insightful and well written. Things are making more and more sense as I continue to read these posts. I am starting to understand my pain more, and the role I played. For me I was still in the idealisation stage until about a half hour before I was " friend zoned" and consequently NC since. there was never any arguments, no raging, no harsh words, he just stopped. Within a half hour the intimacy we had just shared on  a weeks holiday suddenly put him in flight mode. And he's gone. That cuts the deepest. No explanation, no breakup, no nothing. One minute love of his life next minute not even worry of a phone call. It's been the most brutal experience of my life. It would be less painful if he'd died, I could understand and comprehend that. But this? It's mind blowing profound sadness that goes on and on.