Yeah I am right with you LF, and AO, you know I connect with your words.
I have been "wondering" too much these last few days.
My ex and I are in LC cause she isn't overtly abusive anymore. We have successfully closed the blame game for the relationship. LC means I do have to deal with very minor and very subtle push/pull surrounded by gas lighting and the dreaded "normalizing." But even that has helped me see her for who she is and helped detach.
I made it a week of NC without even trying. This all the while I knew she and the replacement were away for his birthday at our special resort. I was surprised at how little it bothered me. I even saw picts of the event on FB. It was sad. When we went we had pics at dinner, out hiking, at the pool. These were a few pics at one session in the lobby. They looked forced on his part, not one smile. The comments she put were very reserved. "Thanks hun, awesome weekend." The rest were comments to friends on how nice it was. Merely polite comments. This was this issue she had the last time she was with him. Everything was nice, but no deep emotional expressions. She used "nice" a hundred times. The only comment he made was "beautiful memories."
Then I started ruminating.
I STARTED TO FEEL SAD FOR HER!I know they barely communicate when they don't see each other. I also knew she was away on Monday for a conference. My rumination slipped me back. I knew she would feel extremely alone being away. I feel so alone most of my days. I sent her a text, "this is crazy." Sure enough, few moments later I get "What is crazy?' followed intently by, "May I call?" She has only called me twice in the last four months. Both were in the last couple of weeks.
The call was pleasant. But it reminded me that the abuse she has put me through has actually destroyed the love I once had for her as a person. While talking I really felt like I have no desire for this person to be in my life.
Once we hung up, I felt so alone with only my grief for company. I realized I do still love the dream. It has very little to do with the person, but I do still love the dream.
I sent an email apologizing for the contact. And in a "still stuck in the dream" kinda way, lovingly told her my head gets it and I will work on my heart by myself and leave her alone.
"sorry" was all I got back
"I just wish I knew for what," still trying to get her to acknowledge something.
"That I can't feel the way you do."
That was a wake up call. It stood out in my mind that she wrote "can't" and not "don't." I understand it could be a simple word choice, it was quite illustrative for me.
Like you, I met her at a very vulnerable time in my life. My career was in shambles. I could have restored my career by moving back to my country. But the dream we built inspired me to try to change careers. We planned a simpler life based around family instead of career and retiring on a beach. That plan was an amazing formula to what we called "our second half." I bought it and tipped the person selling it.
Okay, so the
like I never dated a jealous person, never understood jealousy—I can learn to appreciate her point of view and deal with it. And I did that very well.
Okay, so she is not the deepest person I have ever met. That is why she can call me lazy for not working (which got much worse). Not many people understand the restrictions and struggles I have to go through as a non-resident. Yes I am not working because to do so would be illegal. But I get why she doesn't understand.
Okay, so she dumped me again on the night before I was going to apply for my visa at the boarder. She is scared to death that she will be abandoned if I do not get the visa.
No wonder she has no appreciation for the terror I feel. That I am the one who could be turned away at the boarder having exhausted my resources over the last year of being unemployed. Of course she should not be with me for support in this process. I don't need the strength I get by holding her hand. I don't need her words of comfort in my most life-changing moment. She should be having wine with friends. If the worst case happens, I can call on my friends to help me. After all, she has her fears. They have always been more important to her than our love. I'll need only to keep working to assuage those fears.
Such a small price to pay for the dream to be with my best friend and lover for our "second half."
Truth is she "can't" ever feel like I do. She has never been able to handle complex emotional situations. Not that she "doesn't" feel, her fears make it so she "can't" feel them.
Not trying to highjack your thread. But words kept coming as I related to your post.
I have returned to my life of constant grief over the death of a loved one. It grows even deeper with the shame of wondering if I ever really loved the person. Is the death I grieve really just the dream?
I can't speak to your ex, but in my case, "the kind soul that she is," doesn't make sense any more. The abuse she is capable of, the complete lack of empathy, and the annihilating way she ended it this time contradicts that notion.
I know for a fact that she is not feeling, has no pain, and does not see the debris, because she "can't."
The kind soul I still grieve was her mirroring me. There is no sign that soul still exists.
The dream of a "second half" with my best friend, constant companion, who used to surprise me with the sweetest notes stuffed into my lunch, my lover who brought me the greatest peace just by laying against me watching a movie while the boys messed around on the couch next us, and partner with whom we began financial strategies to retire on a beach, is now desperately seeking a relationship with a workaholic who schedules four hours a week for each of his two kids independently, barely communicates with her outside of their scheduled date-nights and has made no connection to her kids (they still text me), and has an extreme phobia to water. Oh yeah, he does not dance either (see other posts)
It hurts like hell because everything is lost. It hurts even more because it is not lost to her. She has adapted like she always has. The hardest part is letting go of the thought that it was more real or true with me. Letting go of the thought that our connection was deeper or that it was because I saw her "true" soul.
The hardest part is embracing that "truth" cannot trump the fact that she "can't"
Grief will be our companion for a while.
