Today I feel...

[WhoMe51]

Today I feel like shutting the world out.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to go anywhere.  It's my only day off and I feel like crap.  I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I held on to a fantasy for so long and I'm having a hard time letting go of it. 

[corraline]

Hi WhoMe51

I totally understand how you feel.  Is there anything you can think of to do that would be helpful to shift the day a little ?  I find that just acknowledging the crappy feeling and allowing it helps me to move through it (kind of like riding a wave ) and then i would find that it would shift on its own. A little gentle encouragement on your part helps things along too. You are doing that by being here and sharing .  That's cool. Feeling like you are in some kind of dark abyss of pain from all of the broken dreams you had is pretty difficult to handle. I hear you

[fromheeltoheal]

If you don't feel like doing anything, don't.  Our choices with feelings are to feel them, repress them, or escape them; it's good to be clear on what your motivation is, and if it's pure, then go for it.  I spent time denying my true feelings (repression), telling myself I'd be over her in 2 months (escape and repression), or going to a bar and drinking and socializing (more escape).  But eventually it became clear that the only way out was through, and I needed to feel everything all the way, along with the belief that there was plenty of sunshine on the other side, wherever and whenever that was.

When we are feeling negative emotions, there's a drive many times to "fix" it, do something differently, think something differently, when what may be most important, and also the quickest way to get through those feelings is to just feel them all the way.  It may give us a few more wrinkles, but we end up wiser in the end, and as corraline says, just deciding to feel things all the way can lessen their intensity as we begin to move through them.  Take care of you!

[letmeout]

ust acknowledging the crappy feeling and allowing it helps me to move through it (kind of like riding a wave ) and then i would find that it would shift on its own.

That is an excellent explanation, and so true!

[WhoMe51]

Thanks for the encouragement.  I decided to get up and do something.  I did some yard work and started cleaning my house.  And then my exBPDgf showed up at my house.  I asked her to leave and she wouldn't  She is still here.  I went into the house and locked the door.  I have been ignoring her calls, texts and ringing my door bell.  I told her yesterday and the day before that I wanted the relationship to end.  I explained to her that this was the healthiest thing that I could do for myself and for her.  But she won't take my answer.  Her actions reminded me that I am doing the right thing.  I did not ask her to come here.  I told her that this wasnt love.  She was crossing too many boundaries by just showing up.  She said she loved me.  This isn't love.

[WhoMe51]

I don't know which is worse. Being dumped by your pwBPD or trying to end it yourself and they won't leave you alone. I am sure both are equally hard. If you are left by them, it leaves you feeling unworthy or unlovable. And when you are the one ending it, I guess it has that effect on them. I don't know. Just some thoughts. I ended my toxic relationship with mine this past week. And now she is coming to my house unannounced and begging me for another chance.  I told her that my decision was a hard one to make. The relationship wasn't working. She promised change. It was so hard to tell her no. I don't know where the strength came from. After she left crying, I wondered if I had made the right decision.

[corraline]

That must have been hard. That's going to be difficult for you if she just shows up at your house unannounced like that.  Can you set a boundary with her ?

How about they dump you over and over by text, won't speak to you for weeks, break up with you by text on valentines day, tell you they will always love you at the same time and start re engaging with hearts, then angry email then telling you the kind of serioius therapy you need.  ugh. blah blah blah and tell you that you were the one who betrayed the relationship .   i don't know who broke up with who, i just stopped engaging.  slipped a couple of times.  sorry, wee bit of a rant there.

Who breaks  up with who,  it is tricky no matter which way but with a borderline it seems so much more complicated.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, entering the world of someone with a personality disorder can be crazymaking.  A borderline gets too close, feels engulfed, gets triggered, pulls away, feels abandoned, comes back looking for an attachment, the continuous push/pull between their ears, the only contentment brief, when straddling that fence between engulfment and abandonment.  And of course the whole time using the defense mechanism of projection to make everything your fault.  That is impossible to "figure out" and navigate in, and while being seriously crazymaking, can also give us some compassion for someone who has to live in that hell full time; we have a choice, a borderline does not.  It's helpful to choose to be grateful for the fact we got out, learned about what we went through, and came here to learn more and heal, on the way to the relationship of our dreams, better with the wisdom gleaned from our borderline experience.

[letmeout]

And of course the whole time using the defense mechanism of projection to make everything your fault. 

That is the craziest part of a BPD r/s; the fact that they honestly believe their own delusional thoughts.