Fixing the "Fixer"

[arjay]

During the course of my own self-discovery and personal work, which involved two years of counseling, I learned the real value of looking inward, something I thought I understood.  It was during that time that I realized I was the classic “fixer”; the “white knight”.  

Fixers are eager to help and “solve the issue or problem” and become the “hero of the day”. Fixers are great when it comes to our jobs, repairing broken sprinklers, etc because we can get things done.  What I did discover however, is that fixers often have their own unlying agenda; their own “expected payoff”; their own personal motivation for doing so.  This may come in the form of  expected “admiration”, “love”, “acknowledgement”, sense of self-worth and more.  This expectation however, is likely rooted in something far deeper; from a “hole” left in us from our earliest days as children.  Looking back, for me it was self-worth, low self-esteem, being told “you won’t amount to anything”.  These experiences shaped my view of myself and life in ways that I was oblivious, and how it impacted some of my adult decisions when it came to relationships and more.

I found myself often blindsided and left emotionally distraught and even emotionally “bankrupt” when it came to my relationship with a BPD, because first of all “she didn’t want to be fixed”, even though being the “fixer”,  I was superior in my assessment however and could see she needed help and once she realized my sense of righteousness and love to “make her better”, my payoff of love and admiration would be realized.  The reality is that the disaster that ensued, left me feeling “unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood, at levels so deep, it took two years of personal work to recover.  The white knight/fixer model simply didn’t work and given that it was “at my core”, failure shattered me and my own sense of “who I really was”.  Rather than being a “whole person” seeking to find a relationship with another “whole person”, I had a “hole within me” and was seeking to fill that hole, with somebody else looking for the same.  Those relationships often bankrupt us in the end, because nobody is able to fill the hole in ourselves, but ourselves.

The great benefit of being a fixer, was turning all that motivation, exploration and desire to “fix” the person inside.  Some might say that is the wrong motivation too, but it served me to discover who I was at a deeper level and in understanding what drove me to make so many of my bad decisions.  I learned even my volunteer work often came from a place of “wanting the payoff”, in the form of admiration.  I had to reassess my very reason for doing so many things.  Yes just like my failed relationships that left me “bankrupt”, I even had situations with “pure volunteer work”, that left me feeling  unappreciated.  The fixer had truly permeated my whole life.

Looking back at my choices in life, the red flags were often “overruled” by my need to fix, with the subconscious desire to find self-worth.  That notion of a payoff even challenged me to consider my reasons for “giving”.   Yes it was a very powerful force and it challenges me to this day.  The difference now is I can take a day or two or three and go through the process of introspection to discover my true motives.  If there is even a “twinge” of expected payoff to include admiration, recognition, appreciation, self-worth or expected love, I am likely going to do it for the wrong reason; I am not “giving” without an expectation of “receiving”.  If I now choose to override what I know, I understand that I am gambling with behavior that often caused much more heartache than happiness.

Ironically no longer being a “fixer” meant I was now somebody else; somebody approaching life from a place where I realized I can only “honor those in their own personal struggles” and that especially applies to those with BPD.  For those suffering with this disorder, I simply offer up some silent hope they do find the courage and enlightenment to help themselves, because no matter how much I tried, I could not fix my ex-wife.  She really needed to do it for her.

[AsianSon]

Hi arjay,

Thanks very much for your words, which cover my situation and feelings quite well. 

I remember as a child going to kindergarten, wanting to give something to the homeless along the street.  I suppose that was generosity that became my "fixer" tendencies as I grew up. 

Thanks to your post, I recognize that I have been defining myself as "fixer" and wanting others to acknowledge that as a way for me to feel validated.  From an analytical perspective, it seems very logical:  I fix things (and so help others), they recognize and acknowledge what I have done and (Voila!) I feel validated. 

Maybe my BPDm resulted in an attachment disorder in me, or maybe I was born this way.  Or maybe others failed to validate, or their validation did not seem enough to me.  But the fixer me came to "chase after" recognition.  In some cases, this has led to the opposite reaction, where my fixes were no longer desired.  Or my fixes became something to be expected, and so the level of acknowledgement decreases.

All this has contributed to my current situation with my wife. 

being the “fixer”,  I was superior in my assessment however and could see she needed help and once she realized my sense of righteousness and love to “make her better”, my payoff of love and admiration would be realized.  The reality is that the disaster that ensued, left me feeling “unappreciated, unloved and misunderstood, at levels so deep, it took two years of personal work to recover.  The white knight/fixer model simply didn’t work and given that it was “at my core”, failure shattered me and my own sense of “who I really was”.  Rather than being a “whole person” seeking to find a relationship with another “whole person”, I had a “hole within me” and was seeking to fill that hole, with somebody else looking for the same.  Those relationships often bankrupt us in the end, because nobody is able to fill the hole in ourselves, but ourselves.

Thanks to you, I now see that I should not be "fixing" my wife, which I previously told myself (and her) was helping her to "improve" for the sake of everything (kids, family, life, etc.).  I now see that as the giant load of spin that it is!  I also see how "fixing" might be an extension of the endless "improving" that my BPDm has pressed upon me for nearly 50 years. 

Looking back at my choices in life, the red flags were often “overruled” by my need to fix, with the subconscious desire to find self-worth.  That notion of a payoff even challenged me to consider my reasons for “giving”.   Yes it was a very powerful force and it challenges me to this day.  The difference now is I can take a day or two or three and go through the process of introspection to discover my true motives.  If there is even a “twinge” of expected payoff to include admiration, recognition, appreciation, self-worth or expected love, I am likely going to do it for the wrong reason; I am not “giving” without an expectation of “receiving”.

Wow!  I see your progress and am scared to think about how I can do the same.  The "hole within me" has seemed to grow over the years, especially after finding out about BPD in my mother about 2 years ago.  This led me to try and try to find ways to fill it.  Maybe my wife wasn't interested, or wasn't capable.  Maybe no one is capable.  So what to do?

Do I continue to look for help from others with the hole?  Do I accept the hole as something that might never be filled or satisfied?  Or, and this is new/radical:  do I chose to put down the hole and leave it behind as I move forward in life?  Jettison the hole like I am a hot air balloon so that I have less drag.  (It is amazing how a hole can be "a drag" and how hard it can be to let go of nothing--like a hole!)

I am asking myself, can I have no hole to fill (and so have no expectations) so that I can go on, fixing (or not fixing) as I choose?  Let go of neediness... .

Thanks again to you--this has been a great help.

A