Living together vs. Living separately (dating) Devaluation

[Depression = 72% of members]

 Is there a different timeline for people with BPD to devalue their SO while dating compared to living together?

While I was just dating and living separately from Bpdexbf it took 4 months for the devaluation to start.

How long did it take the devaluation start  while living together ?

Or How long did it take the devaluation start while just dating?

[Banshee]

 Is there a different timeline for people with BPD to devalue their SO while dating compared to living together?

While I was just dating and living separately from Bpdexbf it took 4 months for the devaluation to start.

How long did it take the devaluation start  while living together ?

Or How long did it take the devaluation start while just dating?

[Chunk Palumbo]

I lived with an dBPD, but dated an uBPD. The latter before the former, if you can believe that.

With the dBPDex (low funct.), it was after about five months that the little problems arose. But up to about 16 months before the proper splitting began. This could, however, be attributed to her awareness of BPD and her quite remarkable attempts to not give in to her disorder. She was a good woman deep down.

The uBPDex (high funct.) started devaluing after 4-5 months. Somehow (I know how, really) I managed to flip her back to splitting me white. The flip/flop splitting with this one continued for many years afterwards.

[Banshee]

I've heard a couple of people say they "to flip themselves back white" I have no idea how this is done... interesting for sure.

I was just asking  and curious because you would think it would happen quicker by living together.

[Chunk Palumbo]

I've heard a couple of people say they "to flip themselves back white" I have no idea how this is done... interesting for sure.

I was just asking  and curious because you would think it would happen quicker by living together.

You'd think. But there're variables; while they share similar symptoms, BPDs can vary tremendously. Moving in with one could temporarily assuage abandonment fears in one, but suddenly trigger engulfment in another - thereby bringing about the end of or prolonging the Honeymoon period.

Flipping back to White involved things that I can't discuss on the Leaving Board. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone going back to a BPD, if I'm honest. It's not healthy.

[Banshee]

but suddenly trigger engulfment in another - thereby bringing about the end of or prolonging the Honeymoon period.

This would definitely be the case I would think with my ex, he was just hard to get along with. He also seemed very edgy with roommates .

Flipping back to White involved things that I can't discuss on the Leaving Board. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone going back to a BPD, if I'm honest. It's not healthy.

I understand completely

[Red Sky]

With the dBPDex (low funct.), it was after about five months that the little problems arose. But up to about 16 months before the proper splitting began. This could, however, be attributed to her awareness of BPD and her quite remarkable attempts to not give in to her disorder. She was a good woman deep down.

This sounds EXACTLY like my dBPDex. We went 9 months (not cohabiting) without her ever devaluing me. We had some issues when I didn't have time to pay her attention but she didn't devalue me at all. She was one of the best people I've ever known and did fight her disorder.

I'm interested, though, by the fact that I'm certain she never realized that she idealized me despite her awareness of her disorder. Did she not realize that she was doing it because her therapy was focused on minimizing the bits which were actively destructive, do you think? She seemed to recognize negative feelings as 'disordered' a lot easier than 'positive but still unhealthy' ones and my bet is that it's because the first aim of therapy was to stop urges like self-harm... .

So it makes me wonder whether she would have recognized the devaluation phase or not.

[Tausk]

From what I've read there seems to be a trend (but I know that everything is on a spectrum) where the closer the interaction, the more intense the BPD reactions, which makes sense if you think that the closer the interaction, the more to lose in an abandonment and also the more engulfment in the attachment.  So double pressure potentially.

I know that when my ex and I were long distance, there were issues.   I misunderstood her insecurity and thought moving to my town would help.   Then she moved to my town, and there were more issues.  And then I mistakenly thought moving in would help.   And then she moved in with me, and within a month she was almost catatonic with rage, and within two months she started cultivating back ups.  

And then I thought getting married would help... . But when I brought this idea up with my T, who had met my ex, and who is a very stoic, nonplussed kind of man,  his eyes lit up like silver dollars, and turned and fired at me, "What's the matter with you?  Have you been smoking crack?"

I've heard this is why many pwBPD like interactions that are long distance.  Attachment without too much engulfment, while maintaining the fantasy of being rescued.  Keeps the pressure low enough to keep the herd in the pen.  

[myself]

The closer you are, the more likely to be triggered.

Devaluation is bound to happen either way, near or far.

That's how the cookie crumbles with this disorder.

[justanotherguy25]

I dated my BPDex for over a year before I had her move in with me.  Even looking back now, everything seemed perfect.   She was still amazing even after 6 months of living here.  The last 6 months living together were complete hell on earth.   I now know that she was cheating, stealing and doing drugs behind my back.   I truly think that once she moved here ( 45 minute drive ) she realized that she could not do all of the things that she wanted to do ( cheating etc... . )

[Banshee]

And then I thought getting married would help... . But when I brought this idea up with my T, who had met my ex, and who is a very stoic, nonplussed kind of man,  his eyes lit up like silver dollars, and turned and fired at me, "What's the matter with you?  Have you been smoking crack?"

  I'm sorry I had to laugh at that, there were times that I thought drugs were the only way I could stay...

[sm15000]

Or How long did it take the devaluation start while just dating?

12 years but we never lived together.

However, I found out at the end he was seeing 6 other women for a number of years at the start. . .and it ended because I believe he was being unfaithful at the end (although he wouldn't admit this).

I don't know about the years in-between. . .all I know is that I was never suspicious in these years, actually at the start I was.

I think the devaluation really escalated at the end because of 2 things: 1) I wouldn't let it go and he was in danger of being shamed/exposed   2) He met somebody that was interesting him more than me

[Chunk Palumbo]

With the dBPDex (low funct.), it was after about five months that the little problems arose. But up to about 16 months before the proper splitting began. This could, however, be attributed to her awareness of BPD and her quite remarkable attempts to not give in to her disorder. She was a good woman deep down.

I'm interested, though, by the fact that I'm certain she never realized that she idealized me despite her awareness of her disorder. Did she not realize that she was doing it because her therapy was focused on minimizing the bits which were actively destructive, do you think? She seemed to recognize negative feelings as 'disordered' a lot easier than 'positive but still unhealthy' ones and my bet is that it's because the first aim of therapy was to stop urges like self-harm... .

So it makes me wonder whether she would have recognized the devaluation phase or not.

Good question. Logically, seeing as I was no where near the first man my dBPDex had idealized so quickly, and seeing as she must've been aware of having done so in the past, but still did it with/to me, I'd deduce that she must've thought to herself "But it's different this time! It feels so different", when in reality, it wasn't.

Just like yours, mine seemed more aware and vigilant against of the negative aspects of BPD than the supposed positive. She tried her hardest not to split. But it was inevitable.

The high funct ex, however, seemed absolutely blinded to her paintings. The only flicker of emotional awareness I got from her was "I know I'm difficult, okay?" and "You've known me the longest. Am I hot and cold?" I'm assuming an increasing number of men had begun to tell her that.

[Tausk]

Or How long did it take the devaluation start while just dating?

12 years but we never lived together.

However, I found out at the end he was seeing 6 other women for a number of years at the start. . .and it ended because I believe he was being unfaithful at the end (although he wouldn't admit this).

Cheating with six other people for a number of years right from the start?   

In deepest sympathy... . This does not sound like a very high level of valuation to begin with.

It's very sad how the FOG can rob us of all sight.  I permitted my ex to run over boundaries, for which I have a very difficult time forgiving myself.  I lost so much of my self.  My pride.  My basic understanding of goodness and how a respectful person should behave toward me. 

I'm glad I'm back on the road to recovery.  Peace and support to all,

T

[sm15000]

Cheating with six other people for a number of years right from the start?   

In deepest sympathy... . This does not sound like a very high level of valuation to begin with.

Yep   . . .thanks, but looking back I know the signs of him being a womaniser were clearly there (although I didn't realise it was a part of something much deeper) and I completely ignored them because I completely fell for his charm, thought he was sexy, intelligent, infectious and unlike anyone I'd met before   

And although I pretty much knew there was an overlap with another woman at the start (but not 6 and not for so long!) he never made me feel devalued. . .ever throughout our r/ship until the end.

[fortunes_fool]

My BPD ex and I dated for 2 months before moving in together (she was sleeping on a couch in her grandmother's living room, and the situation was not good, so I volunteered my place; not an ideal situation). Even in the first 2 months, though, looking back, there were plenty of warning signs. She would go into spells during which she would say only that she hated herself and wanted to die, and when I would try to comfort her, she'd lash out at me. I attributed this to what she'd told me was Bipolar disorder and PTSD, and I tried to be understanding. Maybe a couple of weeks after we moved in together, though, she began alternating between seeing me as her soulmate and love of her life, and seeing me as the jerk who would never understand her and was always putting his needs before hers.

It's honestly hard for me to discriminate between her behavior when she and I cohabitated and when we didn't, because the latter was rare. She did ask me, the second time she broke up with me, why it seemed I behaved so much better toward her when we were broken up than when we were together; at the time and now, I reason that it was, instead, she who behaved differently; also, when we were broken up, we did not cohabitate. For the two-month span that we were apart, late in our relationship, she was the kindest she had been for the entire 3 1/2-year relationship. When things really disintegrated toward the end of our relationship, though, we were living apart out of necessity, and I still feel the reason for her descent into constantly devaluing me was that she was afraid we were moving apart because I refused to live with her in a home where she had taught her housemates to despise me.

All I know is that in future, I have no plans to live with a relationship partner until I've known them for a very long time... . but I also will not even ponder marriage until I've lived with someone, just to be safe.