have been hospitalized

[antjs]

I have been hard on myself. For two months now, all i do in life is following these boards, drinking coffee, smoking cigs, weekly psychological counseling  and barely eating. i lost 20 pounds in 2 months. i started getting panic attacks 2 weeks ago. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. i have gone through detaching and healing from my exBPD. i began reflecting and probing inside. I found out that my childhood was not that good as i thought. I had a home, a mother and a father. Money was there reasonably to buy for me stuff that i needed. i had a decent education. But i noticed that i have never been taken care emotionally. My dad or mom never spoke to me about anything concerning my life except for bullying me for academics. i started remembering one time that i was beaten up because i got 48\50 in maths. I remembered how my parents threatened me that they will send me to an internal school if i did not behave well (fear of abandonment been built). I remembered the physical abuse (beating) for trivial reasons. I remember the silent treatment that i have got when i did not "behave" well and i can not talk to them unless i say sorry for something that i did not think i was at fault for. i remember the nasty stares that i would get if i said something beyond "limits". i believe that my grandma was a narcissist. she controlled my dad as she lost her husband at an early age. I think my dad was raised not confident enough and he was compensating for it by being the "manly man" of the house. He has never take me out and said lets talk about what is going with you in life. u need money take money. my mother is over protective. i noticed recently since i began soul searching that she is so controlling. she means well, she wants to choose the best for me according to her view. but she forgets that i must be trained since childhood to have choices. I began to set my boundaries with them. Two days ago, i asked her for a favor and she suggested an alternative. i said no i want what i have chose. she was bargaining about how the alternative is better for me. i burst into her and said "LET ME FREAKING CHOOSE WHAT I WANT ONCE IN MY LIFE. I KNOW YOU WANT THE BEST FOR ME. I WANT THE BEST FOR ME TOO BUT ACCORDING TO MY CHOICE NOT YOURS." Yesterday, i had a rough argument with my dad (i was trying to set boundaries) and he then said "u must be truly psychologically ill." (as he knows i am going through rough times now and seeing a therapist. I asked myself "is there any healthy father in the whole world would tell his son so ?"  In conclusion, i discovered my parents were very hard on me as a child and they did not support me emotionally. to add salt to the wound, they abused me emotionally and physically. I had several panic attacks during the last few weeks. Today, i got 6 panic attacks and the last one was not bearable that i was hospitalized. I was impending death literally ! I decided that i need a break. i need a break from overthinking, hurting myself with caffeine and not eating well. Nobody deserves what i have felt today even my parents. I want to mourn the discovery of my childhood traumas but i can not now. maybe later. i was too hard on myself, my body, my psychology till i got to the point to get into an ambulance while i am only 26. I am trying not to hate my parents but i know for sure that i will never look at them in the same way again. NEVER !

[LettingGo14]

antony_james --  Thank you for posting this note, and for being so brave to seek help.  Too often, we judge ourselves harshly if we raise our hands and say that we need help.   I am learning, slowly, that it takes great courage to face our Family of Origin ("FOO" issues.    You are brave and you are stronger than you think.  

As a result of this journey, I have found more inner strength than I knew I had.  I believe the same for you -- ultimately, we are learning what we need to know.   This quote spoke to me this morning, and I thought I would share with you:  "It's not what we are feeling that is important, it is how we relate to it that matters."

Mindfulness meditation has also been a life saver for me.  Books include:  "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, and "True Refuge" by Tara Brach.

Please be kind to yourself.  Please know that you have taken a step of kindness for yourself.

[Ihope2]

I wish you a lot of strength as you go through all of this painful discovery and self-realisation, Antony_James.  Please be kind to yourself and take it easy.

You are 26, you have a life of possibility ahead of you.  This awakening now will help you find your true and authentic self.  Not the false self you became due to the emotional neglect and childhood trauma in your FOO.  Be well!