Struggling today

[Eric1]

Well, it's been nearly a week of NC. It's not confirmed, but I'm 99.9% that she's gone back to 'my replacement'.  She said she would pay me back the money she owes, which she still hasn't. And, I'm starting to her again. Part of me wants another recycle, part of me doesn't.

[Infared]

Tough spot to be. When I was in your place I had no clue as to the amount of lies and manipulation that was going on. Not a clue.  If she is BPD and there is another guy, NC is keeping a toxic substance away from you. Right now you need to think about you and your well being. Easy to say, but hard to do. Interacting with her will bring you nothing but confusion, hurt and pain. Grab all the resources here and hold onto "you" for all you are worth, cause it's all you have got right now.

[Eric1]

Shes going to the same festival as me next month, and i'm worried about bumping into her as i will be camping with her brother. And, even tho i have blocked her, she has still managed to call using 'no caller id'. I'm waiting for a call from her, and its weird, because when it doesnt come, i get disheartend.

[Infared]

Eric, it's not weird, you miss "her". I found out with mine, that there was no her. Only a person (who was quite wonderful!), that she had invented to manipulate me. You have to remember, that people with BPD are mentally ill (and very intelligent in the case of mine). 

I would say that camping with her brother and going to the same festival is setting yourself up for contact. I.e. You are not serious about the no contact commitment. This may mean changing your life around a LOT, to take care of you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Eric1, It's only been a week and you are going through normal withdrawal symptoms, which will pass if you stay the course.  I suggest canceling your plans for the festival.  As Infared says, you're setting yourself up for an awkward situation (to put it mildly).  LuckyJim

[Eric1]

I cant cancel the festival. The tickets sell out in minutes & its one of the biggest festivals in the world! There will be another 140,000 people there. It's just if she see's her brother or even worse, wants to camp near him!

[foiles]

Well there are things we can't change and things we can change. The fact that there will be a lot of people there and tickets sell out in minutes doesnt mean you HAVE to go. I understand that you really want to go to this festival. Maybe because it's a fun event or maybe it's because it's a chance to reengage or both on some level. But you're setting yourself up to reengage. Only you can make that decision. But it IS yours to make unless you've been sold into festival slavery.

[LettingGo14]

I cant cancel the festival. The tickets sell out in minutes & its one of the biggest festivals in the world! There will be another 140,000 people there. It's just if she see's her brother or even worse, wants to camp near him!

Eric1:  If we choose to lean into the spear (and there are good reasons to do so) there are many reasons to plan/prepare and be mindful of what you may face.   This morning, listening to a meditation, I heard the following:  "It's not what we are feeling that is important, it is how we relate to it that matters."

I'm learning, albeit slowly, that everything can be processed inside of me if I reframe and re-evaluate my perspective.   For instance, if there is "fear" of seeing her, how do you process it?  How do you prepare yourself in case you do see her?