How to deal with public bullying of family members

[Narellan]

Hi form flier it depends how old your kids are. I spent years protecting mine. I had to be the in between when they were too small to understand their dad. But a few times I fled with the kids because sometimes the  were there and I was concerned for their safety. It was rare I left them just with him. That's the main reason I stayed for many years too long in my marriage. When they were teenagers I took them aside individually and told them about their dads disorder. U gave them all mobile phones so they can contact me whenever they feel things are a bit off.

The youngest one came with me to therapy. He has struggled the most with the breakup as he was just 13.

Safety first. Do whatever you can to de esculate the situation.

I hated camping in the end. It was a huge stress to all be in such a small confined space. We went in numerous trips in tents, then had a campervan. I hope your trip goes to plan. 

[formflier]

Trip really didn't go according to plan... but luckily I thought that through ahead of time... . so it wasn't a big letdown.

My kids are 18 down to 1.  I unfortunately have to be away at work a lot... . but there are usually older kids around.

uBPDw is stay at home Mom and I am sole breadwinner.

Was their dad diagnosed... . ?  I have not formally had the talk with them about what I suspect.

I have taken a couple of them aside and tried to explain to them to not JADE when Mommy accusses them... . not really very sure how much they have tried or how successful  it has been.

My discussing this with kids is big uncharted territory for me.  I know I need to do it... . but don't want to do it "wrong".

So... I'm open for all sorts of advice and information about how others have done this.

Hi form flier it depends how old your kids are. I spent years protecting mine. I had to be the in between when they were too small to understand their dad. But a few times I fled with the kids because sometimes the  were there and I was concerned for their safety. It was rare I left them just with him. That's the main reason I stayed for many years too long in my marriage. When they were teenagers I took them aside individually and told them about their dads disorder. U gave them all mobile phones so they can contact me whenever they feel things are a bit off.

The youngest one came with me to therapy. He has struggled the most with the breakup as he was just 13.

Safety first. Do whatever you can to de esculate the situation.

I hated camping in the end. It was a huge stress to all be in such a small confined space. We went in numerous trips in tents, then had a campervan. I hope your trip goes to plan. 

[Grey Kitty]

The "cussing boundary" sounds like a fantastic place to start working.

First, it is unacceptable.

Second, the question of whether it is or is not cussing is unambiguous. This might save you the fight over whether it happened or not.

... .

Sounds like an excellent topic for the next family counseling session. Insisting that it be brought up with the therapist sounds like a good step. It could bring something useful out of the therapy.

[formflier]

So... . tomorrow is marriage counseling (the one where she got me to agree to just make the family therapy appointment... . no discussion).  Do I bring up the cussing then... . for wait until family counseling. 

My number 1 topic that I was going to bring up tomorrow (usually my top 2 topics get discussed or worked on) was what is up with the switch in behavior. 

You could tell that the marriage T was surprised by my wife "owning" her behavior and saying all the right things in our last session.  She was definitely trying to get the ball rolling in the right direction.  She sort of leaned on me to go with family counseling even though every fiber in my body screamed that doing this without discussion is bad.  There was sort of a "what could possibly go wrong" attitude.

I don't want to show up mad... . but just state that I had 1 week of incredible positive behavior... . and I saw the switch get flipped from her owning behavior to pointing the finger at me... . and she has been grumbly and pissy since then.

#2 issue I think I am going to put down is what is up with the $30k she moved out of joint checking?  It was number 3 last time (we each turn in a paper at start of counseling)... . and the therapist looks for common ground.  The money needs to be spent on some priorities.  The plan... . which she offered up while the money was still in joint... . was it would sit there until we both agreed on what it should be spent on.   I happily agreed to this.  She had been accusing me of cutting her out of money decisions for months... . saying I moved money against her will.  I hadn't.  I kept asking her to show me the transactions that concerned her and I would try to figure out what happened.  She never showed a transaction... . so I never explained anything.  She likes to say I refused to explain... . which there is a grain of truth there... . I did refuse to explain... . because I had no idea what she was talking about.

Last session we both had the family counseling as #1.

The "cussing boundary" sounds like a fantastic place to start working.

First, it is unacceptable.

Second, the question of whether it is or is not cussing is unambiguous. This might save you the fight over whether it happened or not.

... .

Sounds like an excellent topic for the next family counseling session. Insisting that it be brought up with the therapist sounds like a good step. It could bring something useful out of the therapy.

[Grey Kitty]

You do have a lot of issues here.

As far as the money goes... . since you ARE the sole breadwinner, you can control which account your paycheck goes into every month. I don't recommend taking all the money for yourself, but here is the boundary you can enforce on that:

If she is financially irresponsible (dunno if she does this) or makes financial threats (taking $30k from the joint account qualifies!), you can protect yourself.

Step 1: Close all joint lines of credit.

Step 2: Transfer half of your joint money into an account in your name only.

Step 3: Send your paycheck to an account in your own name only.

Step 4: Contribute your share to a joint account every month, and consider giving your wife a budgeted amount of individual spending money. (Or pay joint bills yourself)

Yes, this would be a provocative act. But so was transferring money $30k out of joint checking.

I'm not recommending these actions... . This is just a demonstration that you don't need her permission or compliance to protect yourself financially.



Which T to bring up the cussing with? I don't have answers, but I do have more questions & thoughts:

Do you think that either one understands what she is doing, her BPD behaviors, or even believes that she has BPD?

Do you trust either one to act in your interests?

It would seem to me that talking about how she treats your children in front of your children is well, awkward, and likely to put your wife more on the defensive.

[formflier]

Grey Kitty,

I see you are still online... please check out my most recent post... .

Things are moving fast here... . I need help being level headed and making good choices about tomorrow.

You do have a lot of issues here.

As far as the money goes... . since you ARE the sole breadwinner, you can control which account your paycheck goes into every month. I don't recommend taking all the money for yourself, but here is the boundary you can enforce on that:

If she is financially irresponsible (dunno if she does this) or makes financial threats (taking $30k from the joint account qualifies!), you can protect yourself.

Step 1: Close all joint lines of credit.

Step 2: Transfer half of your joint money into an account in your name only.

Step 3: Send your paycheck to an account in your own name only.

Step 4: Contribute your share to a joint account every month, and consider giving your wife a budgeted amount of individual spending money. (Or pay joint bills yourself)

Yes, this would be a provocative act. But so was transferring money $30k out of joint checking.

I'm not recommending these actions... . This is just a demonstration that you don't need her permission or compliance to protect yourself financially.



Which T to bring up the cussing with? I don't have answers, but I do have more questions & thoughts:

Do you think that either one understands what she is doing, her BPD behaviors, or even believes that she has BPD?

Do you trust either one to act in your interests?

It would seem to me that talking about how she treats your children in front of your children is well, awkward, and likely to put your wife more on the defensive.

[formflier]

You do have a lot of issues here.

As far as the money goes... . since you ARE the sole breadwinner, you can control which account your paycheck goes into every month. I don't recommend taking all the money for yourself, but here is the boundary you can enforce on that:

If she is financially irresponsible (dunno if she does this) or makes financial threats (taking $30k from the joint account qualifies!), you can protect yourself.

Step 1: Close all joint lines of credit.  My impression is that most are in some form of collection.  Again... I made some unwise choices before I knew about BPD.  Essentially allowed my wife total control of money to "prove" I was not doing what she alleged.  What is done is done.  I need to get back control... . but need to figure out how.

Step 2: Transfer half of your joint money into an account in your name only.  Luckily this is only a couple grand... . if that... . plus whatever paycheck money comes in.  I would feel differently if it was a substantial sum... but the damage has been done (so to speak).  We are unfortunately very "illiquid"

Step 3: Send your paycheck to an account in your own name only. Yes... this is doable.  I believe I will set up the account tomorrow... . so I can get checks and debit cards for that account.  I can get those sent to separate address.  Getting that set up should be private and I wouldn't want to switch until I have the other items in place.

Step 4: Contribute your share to a joint account every month, and consider giving your wife a budgeted amount of individual spending money. (Or pay joint bills yourself)  I can have an account at same bank... . so transferring between "my" account and the "joint" account should be easy.  I noted that where she moved the $30k is an institution that we have never banked with.  She was not thinking of making transfers easy... . I would guess she is playing keep away

Yes, this would be a provocative act. But so was transferring money $30k out of joint checking.Amen to that

I'm not recommending these actions... . This is just a demonstration that you don't need her permission or compliance to protect yourself financially.  I understand your point.  My gut tells me I will get ready for this... . but hold on pulling the trigger.  I would much rather "loose" the money but "win" the issue on spanking... . or other issues.  I may not "win" any of them.

[formflier]

 

Which T to bring up the cussing with? I don't have answers, but I do have more questions & thoughts:

Do you think that either one understands what she is doing, her BPD behaviors, or even believes that she has BPD? I suspect the marriage counselor might understand more... . since she has seen more.  The family guy has only had one visit.  He did make note of kids feeling ok to talk about Dad but not saying anything about Mom.  I take from that... . that kids will not speak of the parent they are afraid of

Do you trust either one to act in your interests?  So far both seem professional to me.  I did not appreciate the family introduction to the guy I have been to once... . but in an odd way... . I can see that it quickly showed him some dynamics.  He did say he likes to be a straight shooter and get to the heart of the matter quickly.

It would seem to me that talking about how she treats your children in front of your children is well, awkward, and likely to put your wife more on the defensive.

I know this is wrong answer... . but I honestly don't care about her feelings at this point.  (Yeah... . I really just typed that)... . and that is something I am going to need to work on tonight.  But if it comes to a point of worrying about her feelings... . or "dealing with" the out of control spankings... . the spankings must be dealt with... . [/quote]
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[formflier]

I've got a suggestion for you:

Try to define as clearly and sharply as possible a line which your wife crosses with your children.

On one side of the line, she is being a responsible parent, trying to get her children behaving and doing what they should.

On the other side of the line, she is verbally or emotionally abusing your children.

Try to think of enough examples to clearly identify in your head when she crosses the line.

In the two actions you described, asking S13 to stop right then was arbitrary, but didn't sound abusive.  Agreed... . although I believe it demonstrates a pattern of behavior that "shows" people that I have control of you... . I will use it... . and there is nothing you can do about it.  Then... kids test the waters until they find what they can do... or when she will stop watching.  Such as my son sitting when told to stand. Yelling at D17 (with bad language) while she was taking care of the baby seems worse.Agreed again... . she was also more clearly angry or out of control.  In the S13 incident she seemed more like a smart ass... . than angry. 

Then take action whenever you see her cross that line.

Q: Have you ever discussed excessive discipline (probably safer to call it this than bullying) with your wife while the children are not there?   Yes... . but it has been years.  As you can imagine there has not been a significant conversation about anything... in a long time.

What does she say to you about it?  Now she says she can parent as she pleases... . and I can't do anything about it... . or words to that affect.  This is said when I request a talk... . she refuses to go have conversation... . and gives me that kind of a retort.

In years past we both agreed that we should never discipline in anger.  I am a conservative Christian man.  I think there is a biblical place for a spanking.  My belief is that you must be calm, you must talk to kid first so child understands why this is happening.  Note:  They don't have to agree... . just understand.  Last:  That if there is any doubt that child did not understand boundary or rule... . that you reexplain and delay physical punishment.  It is responsibility of the parent to lay out the proper road to walk... . if child chooses not to walk on that road... . that is their issue.  If parent does not explain the road... . that is parent's fault.    Probably a bit long... . but back in the day... . we were tight on these issues.  We would discuss together before discipline... . if at all possible.

Finally... a spanking should be reserved for direct disobediance... . not for a "you should have done this better" kinda thing.

[Narellan]

Hi formflier. You can contact the bank where she's deposited the $30k and ask for any withdrawals on that account to be double signatures. She can't then withdraw any money from that account without you co signing. You can also limit the amount available to withdraw at any one time. Eg daily withdrawal limit might be $1000 .

This way if she forges your signature she can't take the lot.

This might be easier than opening up a new account, however If you do open a new account make sure you have these 2 safeguards. X