I hate her but i still love her?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I've been doing pretty good this past week but I have been feeling pretty lonely lately. I hate her so much. Every day we spent together was miserable. But yet all I think about is how much fun we had. How badly I want to hold her and wake up next to her. I would do anything just to have her in my arms. Even for a second. I keep thinking she's off with her bf having a blast in New York. Having more fun then me and her did. But it's not fair. We were both stranded in central PA. There was never anything to do!

It's been nine days NC. I still have her blocked on my phone so she can't text me which gives me anxiety and I haven't defriended her yet on Facebook.

[zenwexler]

So I've been doing pretty good this past week but I have been feeling pretty lonely lately. I hate her so much. Every day we spent together was miserable. But yet all I think about is how much fun we had. How badly I want to hold her and wake up next to her. I would do anything just to have her in my arms. Even for a second. I keep thinking she's off with her bf having a blast in New York. Having more fun then me and her did. But it's not fair. We were both stranded in central PA. There was never anything to do!

It's been nine days NC. I still have her blocked on my phone so she can't text me which gives me anxiety and I haven't defriended her yet on Facebook.

[lifeafter18years]

I understand how you feel... . the brain or heart seems to have some way to make you remember fun and not all the bad that occurred.  I think of how mine is with his gf happy and having fun as if I was never someone in his life for 18 years.  You have done good with 9 days of NC.  This is barely going to be my one full day of not looking him up.  May we make it through all this anxiety and sleepless nights... . Hang in there as I am. One day we will look back and see that we are better off than what we had...

[AwakenedOne]

Every day we spent together was miserable. But yet all I think about is how much fun we had.

I had these same thoughts for a while after my uBPDstbxw left me. There were many times we had fun and things were so great. But as you mentioned most days were hell. I just try to "face the fact" that a relationship isn't meant to be like this. It is supposed to be more happy than sad. More good than bad. More love than hate, really no hate. My wife hates me or doesn't care if I exist at the least. Hang in there, I understand.

Peace,

AO

[Lion Fire]

I'm with you zenwexler,

I'm 9 days NC, I've blocked every channel of comms now but sometimes still look at my phone to see if she's called  This is the cold turkey phase. I've found that any break in NC, even innocuous exchanges, have set me back in a big way. It's self preservation now.

Hang in a day at a time and have faith that it will get better bro.

Face the sun and walk towards it 

Peace

[Emelie Emelie]

Hang in there Zen.  I'm officially 8 days NC.  Longest we've gone in almost two years.  To be really honest about it it's the longest I've gone in two years.  Last time around he was reaching out to me after two months.  This time it feels like he's really gone.  He feels so far away from me now if that makes sense.  I suspect it's because he's met someone else... . or at least is actively dating.  And here I sit actively cleaning out closets.   

This is the cold turkey stage.  You've decided NC is the best route for you and now you need to just white knuckle it for a while.  When I think of my ex I try to make a choice to think of the bad times.  To just replace all the great memories of wonderful times with him with memories of him screaming and raging at me.  Sending me nasty text messages.  I almost wish I had kept some of them. 

[antjs]

So I've been doing pretty good this past week but I have been feeling pretty lonely lately. I hate her so much. Every day we spent together was miserable. But yet all I think about is how much fun we had. How badly I want to hold her and wake up next to her. I would do anything just to have her in my arms. Even for a second. I keep thinking she's off with her bf having a blast in New York. Having more fun then me and her did. But it's not fair. We were both stranded in central PA. There was never anything to do!

It's been nine days NC. I still have her blocked on my phone so she can't text me which gives me anxiety and I haven't defriended her yet on Facebook.

i will be bluntly honest. it is not fair. you are in pain now while most probably she is not (because of her disease and denial and it is never my fault attitude). you might consider seeing a therapist if you are feeling bad while she is the one on the border to be psychotic. you are missing the fun times yet still think everyday was hell. If you analyze it well you probably would find that the "fun" times were during the idealization phase in which the BPD are not themselves. they just pretend and mirror your needs because they think if we see them as not perfect then we gonna abandon them. they have a mask they use during the idealization phase. if you are going to read about nons here who were recycled you will find that in most cases the idealization phase is never going to come back. in summary, idealization phase was not 100 % real. what you have seen after the "honeymoon" ended is the real BPD character. trust me, one month ago i would have written your post exactly. thanks to god i am in a better place now. remember, this process is not fair if you are going to compare how you are feeling\doing to what she is feeling\doing. but on the long term, after you heal you will be a very wise person with experience (this experience was life changing for me and i mean it LIFE CHANGING. but it is not always the case for all people) but she will continue this roller coaster all her life. their pain is too much that they seek agony relief in others. they live in denial. most probably they do not seek treatment cause they think they do not do mistakes and that their ex partners are the bad ones (defensive mechanism in order not to face themselves with feelings they can not process). my ex is 29 years old and she has 3 ex-fiancees, 1 ex-husband, 5-ex bfs, 2 ABORTIONS ! her marriage (longest relationship for her) lasted 2 years with the last 6 months in  constant fights with her ex-husband and she still thinks that there is nothing wrong with her. run for your life and do not look back. you are lucky as me that she is not still trying to get back to you. you will not feel like this forever. you will be back to normal but wiser and more experienced. most probably she will suffer for the rest of her life

[pipehitter]

I feel your pain.

Today and especially tonight is rough. Thinking about how she is all in love etc with the replacement.

I met some friends and had to leave to go home... . Got this feeling of intense anxiety in my chest, which gets worse and worse.

Also today I felt so bad for her. I know that some people here say it's ridiculous... . But on a handful occasions during our rs she stood in front of me looking me in the eyes, she didn't cry but had tears in her eyes.

Today I had the thought: damn. She didn't say a word but it felt like she was screaming for help. It was like looking her as a child in the eyes. She was begging for love with her. But she then always asked me to leave the room.

It hurts today.

I'm sorry 3year old M. but I can't help you. It's too late, it was too late when we met.

[zenwexler]

It is such a more intense feeling I'm out trying to meet people new girls and stuff but with no luck then I instantly think of her being all cuddly with that guy. It makes me want to scream. This girl has scarred me in ways I never knew possible. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemies. I keep telling myself that it's the companionship I miss. Not her. That if I met soneone great I wouldn't even remotely think about her. I mean I hated this girl while we dated. I resented her so much. But I also loved her deeply.

She really is a child. I almost think by staying in contact with her I had constant feedback that she was a child, psychotic, abusive, BPD. But with nc. My mind plays tricks on me and I fantasize about the "good times" and how she's off being "happy" with someone else.

It was too late to help her. Too late now. And too late when we met. I can completely relate to they anxiety in your chest. I have it now. I just try and remind myself that it will pass. Because I have moments where I'm on too of the world. Where I see everything so clearly and see her for her and become grateful in free from her. But I also have moments where I'm lower then low. Where I'm the bad guy. I lost her. I wasn't good enough. And now she's with someone better and is happy. But let's be honest. That's BS! When in the past was my ex ever actudlky happy? NEVER! She's not now and probably won't be. Ever. But I try and remind myself that there is still hope for me.

[myself]

Much of the happy we saw was an act. A mask. A cover up. A mirror.

Sometimes real, but temporary like an ice cube on a summer sidewalk.

How happy were we? How happy can we be?

[LettingGo14]

But I try and remind myself that there is still hope for me.

Sometimes, zenwexler, when my chest is tight with anxiety and dark emotions feel like they want to strangle me, I come this community, and see lines like you wrote above.   Here we are, in this community, holding candles of hope for ourselves and for each other.

The answers are inside of us, but we sometimes give keys and clues to each other to help illuminate the path.  

Yes -- there is hope.  One step at a time.  Thanks for writing so honestly about what you feel today.  It helps many people.

[Not2sly4aPsycGuy]

Hey zenwexler,

I can relate to your situation and know how difficult it is when it ends.  How it seems you're either thinking about her, or thinking about not thinking about her.  If I could make a recommendation cutting all ties helps in many ways.  You are not open to be hurt by her contacting you, as well as the fact that you have separated yourself from the situation entirely, in its own way this brings peace. 

It is painful, challenging, and even obnoxious to go through a separation like this.  Dealing with anger sadness and anxiety all at the same time.  However, keep in mind these emotions in many ways are normal and are how people cope with situations like this.  That helped me immensely, knowing that though i was in pain I was healing.  She is not giving herself time to heal and time to cope, her sadness is masked by a figurehead that is called a bf. 

Try to tell yourself these things when you're down... everyday you are healing.  It is similar to a broken bone, focus on what you can do to make it better not doing things that will cause it not to heal. 

You'll get to the other side, Good Luck Man hang in there.   

[zenwexler]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really is nice to be surrounded by people in the same position as me. I can't wait to reach the point where I can focus on other people and help.

"Sometimes real, but temporary like an ice cube on a summer sidewalk."

That line is one of the truest statements I have ever read

[blueman54321]

It is such a more intense feeling I'm out trying to meet people new girls and stuff but with no luck then I instantly think of her being all cuddly with that guy. It makes me want to scream. This girl has scarred me in ways I never knew possible. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemies. I keep telling myself that it's the companionship I miss. Not her. That if I met soneone great I wouldn't even remotely think about her. I mean I hated this girl while we dated. I resented her so much. But I also loved her deeply.

She really is a child. I almost think by staying in contact with her I had constant feedback that she was a child, psychotic, abusive, BPD. But with nc. My mind plays tricks on me and I fantasize about the "good times" and how she's off being "happy" with someone else.

It was too late to help her. Too late now. And too late when we met. I can completely relate to they anxiety in your chest. I have it now. I just try and remind myself that it will pass. Because I have moments where I'm on too of the world. Where I see everything so clearly and see her for her and become grateful in free from her. But I also have moments where I'm lower then low. Where I'm the bad guy. I lost her. I wasn't good enough. And now she's with someone better and is happy. But let's be honest. That's BS! When in the past was my ex ever actudlky happy? NEVER! She's not now and probably won't be. Ever. But I try and remind myself that there is still hope for me.

This.

[bewildered2]

you are in love with the way she made you feel some times.

you hate the way she made you feel most of the time.

b2