Even after it was over, it isn't over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have lost so much faith in the court system--maybe because we are in a smaller community, but despite the fact that we had all of the evidence in our favor, the GAL managed to prevent us getting a hearing with the judge (if the judge heard the evidence, he would have seen how much the GAL had completely messed up our case--he blatantly disregarded the recommendations of multiple therapists and kept pushing for more possession of BPD mom with kids; therapists said that would be harmful to the kids). 

Anyway, while the attorney has been in the process of writing up the order, BPD mom has already denied visitation (saying DSD didn't want to see us--yet more alienation) and has already tried to put the boys in the middle and asking for their opinion to change the visitation schedule.  It has just been a little over a week, and her games are already going so we have asked to add a parenting coordinator/faciliator to babysit or DH will be fighting this garbage by himself. 

If they fight the written order, can we have a hearing?  I wish we had really pushed the judge to have a hearing so he can hear evidence (he NEVER has heard evidence for our case) because BPD mom now thinks she can do whatever she wants to do. 

We are just now telling the boys some of what has happened the past several years…I am thinking that they are probably a bit overwhelmed as they have heard BPD mom's VERY distorted side for years so hearing anything from their dad is probably a bit surprising. 

[sanemom]

I have lost so much faith in the court system--maybe because we are in a smaller community, but despite the fact that we had all of the evidence in our favor, the GAL managed to prevent us getting a hearing with the judge (if the judge heard the evidence, he would have seen how much the GAL had completely messed up our case--he blatantly disregarded the recommendations of multiple therapists and kept pushing for more possession of BPD mom with kids; therapists said that would be harmful to the kids). 

Anyway, while the attorney has been in the process of writing up the order, BPD mom has already denied visitation (saying DSD didn't want to see us--yet more alienation) and has already tried to put the boys in the middle and asking for their opinion to change the visitation schedule.  It has just been a little over a week, and her games are already going so we have asked to add a parenting coordinator/faciliator to babysit or DH will be fighting this garbage by himself. 

If they fight the written order, can we have a hearing?  I wish we had really pushed the judge to have a hearing so he can hear evidence (he NEVER has heard evidence for our case) because BPD mom now thinks she can do whatever she wants to do. 

We are just now telling the boys some of what has happened the past several years…I am thinking that they are probably a bit overwhelmed as they have heard BPD mom's VERY distorted side for years so hearing anything from their dad is probably a bit surprising. 

[Matt]

Your lawyer should be providing you with all your options, and advising you about the best way to make this work.  From your post, I have the feeling that you aren't getting good service from your attorney.

It seems to me that what you need is some professional, neutral, objective third party, who can be available to you as needed, to keep things sensible.  Someone you can involve if the other party doesn't follow the court order.

You could use the court for that purpose, but I think a judge will be reluctant to "babysit" as you say.  So your attorney might tell you to file a motion for contempt only when things get really bad.  Not the best way to keep them from getting bad.

In our settlement, we agreed to use a local psychologist as a "parenting coach".  Actually, our Custody Evaluator - also a psychologist - had recommended that the court appoint a "mediator", but I thought that wasn't the right word - I wanted a "coach" so it didn't sound like we were going to be fighting all the time.  Just semantics maybe.

It worked pretty well.  We met with the parenting coach a few times and resolved some small issues.  When a big issue came up, he wasn't able to help us resolve it because of my ex's unwillingness to compromise - not the mediator's fault.  But I was still glad to have him, because I could have him present when I made my final offer - an "or else" - which it wouldn't have been safe to say to my ex without a witness present.  He helped her process her options - either compromise or go to court and risk criminal charges - and accept the need to compromise.

You might need someone similar - a parenting coordinator, as you say.  That might require filing a motion.

How were you denied your day in court?  Did your lawyer agree to something behind your back?  Have you instructed him in writing not to agree to anything without your approval?

[Nope]

If it makes you feel any better, she isn't acting worse because this didn't get in front of a judge and she thinks she can get away with it. She's acting worse because she is disordered and would likely be doing this anyway.  From what I can tell, they don't have any way to connect their actions with consequences even when the consequences are dolled out in full. It's always that something bad was done to them for no reason or because other people lied about them.

I agree that it would be a good idea to have a neutral third party involved. If only to have someone else on your side later when she breaks agreements. But beyond that you need a strong strategy for protecting your DH's relationship with the younger children. I feel for you. I really do. You and your DH are fighting so hard to hold your family together against a foe that causes conflict because that's the only thing that makes her feel good and in control. All you can do is what you can do. 

[sanemom]

The long and short of it is that we didn't have a hearing because the judge scared DH…told him that he knew this was an alienation case, but there was nothing he could do about it because he can't tell a 17 year old what to do.  He told DH to give her some space.  He was yelling at both parties telling them he was furious with each of them for not settling this and for keeping this fight going for so long.

DH felt defeated…we have been fighting for BPD mom to follow the freaking court order for counseling, for Pete's sake.  The GAL has had unethical ex parte hearings with the judge to pass a couple of hearings because the GAL knows that the judge will see BPD mom's craziness.  The ONE time we DID have a hearing, the judge was GLARING at the GAL most of the time for the crappy job he had done…the GAL didn't want to be thrown under the bus again, I am sure.

The judge yelled at them saying that if they didn't settle, neither one of them would like what he would do.

So they settled out of court.

It sounds like if they don't agree to a parent coordinator/facilitator to babysit, we WILL have a hearing just for that.  :)H needs more protection from this garbage…the judge was just focused on DSD 17 and didn't even consider what BPD mom is trying to do to the boys.  

[PinkieV]

Is there any way to file a complaint against the GAL? I know this would probably create its own set of problems, but this person is not objective and is willfully misrepresenting the situation. It's malpractice!

I feel so bad for you. From one sane mom to another, I feel your pain. Even with a good GAL and great report, our case is still dragging out. BM's lawyer told ours he's going to try to convince her to settle and accept our generous plan. We think he got sucked in by her "poor me" story and has figured out rather quickly she's a hot mess. We have our final hearing a week from Monday so I can't wait to see what this week brings ~ sigh . . .

[Matt]

How is your 17-year-old doing?  My D17 is making most of her decisions now - she mostly decides on her schedule and that mostly goes well.  My view is, the sooner she learns to deal with her BPD mom, the better.  Legally she shouldn't be making these decisions but in practical terms it seems best.

I wonder if the same thing might be true of yours.  That would let you refocus your legal efforts onto the younger kids who truly need a court-enforced schedule.