is this a a charm

[imsodizzy]

So BPD exgf of 7 years yesterday she texted out od the blue to start an argument it worked i engaged long story short we live in same apt building so i didnt go home because i didnt want to deal with her ___ and shes been keeping tabs in me so today out of the blue she calls and is in nice mode asks to see if i would like to see our daughter then told me the replacement realky wants to meet me he has heard alot of good thing about me i hung up it was absurd i eoukd lije to meet him she has only known him 3 weeks my ? Is was that a charm or an attempt to triangulate or what because for her having a new victim she is all over what im doing who im with when am i off work isnt this something she should be doing to the new victim she calls my sister to ask about me i mean what the heck when we were a month into our r/s she wouldnt leave me alone and still wont it feels like shes not into him much but idc just wondering what angle she is trying to play

[imsodizzy]

Dont know why it days charm but its charm where it says charm

[Mutt]

You have a long history with your exgf imsodizzy. You feel anguish and pain and she has moved on to someone else very quickly, that's tough.

she texted out od the blue to start an argument it worked

It's difficult when you are still attached to your ex, you're in pain from the break-up and feel anger and hurt to stop the cycle of conflict. You're the one that's going to need to change and stop. She's mentally ill. It's a difficult thing to do, but it becomes second nature.

Is was that a charm or an attempt to triangulate or what because for her having a new victim she is all over what im doing who im with when am i off work isnt this something she should be doing to the new victim she calls my sister to ask about me

It's an attachment disorder. I don't know your back story, but what was the context of the text message? What was she trying to engage you with?

I don't agree with her calling your family. I share a similar experience, my ex emailed my mother telling her that I was controlling and she couldn't believe what I was doing to the kids. What I did tell my family is to not relay information about my personal life to my ex. It's none of her business, my family respected my wishes.

[imsodizzy]

Well mutt the text was about her ne bf watching our daughter while she works but the phone call was her wanting to hang out i feel with the new bf its an attempt to look like she has moved on but she really seems hung up on me like she hasnt moved on

[Mutt]

Well mutt the text was about her ne bf watching our daughter while she works but the phone call was her wanting to hang out i feel with the new bf its an attempt to look like she has moved on but she really seems hung up on me like she hasnt moved on

I share a similar experience, my replacement was watching my kids while my spouse refused to give me the kids. That's tough imsodizzy, my heart goes out to you. I was triggered when I found out he was watching the kids while she was out at work, especially so soon after our break-up.

She is seeing if you are still available if it doesn't work out with the replacement. BPD are scared to death of being alone. You are an attachment to her, even if it is a negative engagement, it's still attention. I've gone through the same thing with my ex.

What do you plan to do? No contact?

Do you have a custody order for your daughter? Do you have a lawyer? You can ask for Right of First Refusal. If she needs someone to watch your daughter, you would be the first person to ask, over daycares and babysitters.

[imsodizzy]

I whent no contact for 3 months but she uses our daughter for a way to get ahold of me

[imsodizzy]

No custody order or lawer

[foiles]

If possible, I would get one as soon as possible, especially one familiar with BPD or other mental problems. I'm  many have seen a lot of craziness. Your ex has to realize boundaries. She's into you for her own needs. She wants to hang out? Why? More engagement isn't best practices. Unless of course if it was about your child. But often It's just an excuse. She's telling you that you can't watch her? I agree with Mutt. My H got one in his custody agreement with his ex. I think it's standard in a lot of places.

Take care,

Foiles

[Mutt]

I whent no contact for 3 months but she uses our daughter for a way to get ahold of me

Text is too personal, it's triggering. You still have to have contact because of your child. Ask yourself these questions. Is it something about our child? Is it important and needs an immediate response?

If you're preparing to get a custody order, you need to document. She has the emotional maturity of a child. Think about that. My ex is the same, I'll get email bombs from her. Do I need to engage, and make things worse?

Disengage. Send her BIFF emails. Respond to the important stuff, your kid. 7 years is a long time, it's painful that she cannot have compassion or empathy for the pain that she has caused you. Grieving and detaching takes time. Minimal contact to start detaching and heal from your wounds. They are deep wounds, but they will heal. You will be OK. Detaching leads to freedom.

I couldn't facilitate or negotiate visitation and access for my kids with uBPDx. The kids have a right to have unconditional love for both parents. It's not up to ex's FOG, insecurities that determines the kids right.  I had to retain a lawyer to get a custody order in place, because I'm dealing with a mentally ill person. Get Bill Eddy's book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[imsodizzy]

Thanks i have felt better after the last 3 months its just thinking anout having to deal with rhis for the next 14 years man bums me out she obesses about me and some mystery women makes me wonder how if i do get in another r/s how she will sabotage that dont have much hope for the future rihht about now