I think she found out that I talk to her familly about her Issues

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I am going to post this,

I was so frustrated at one point that I decided to have a coversation with my ex's mom. I wanted her to realize that her daughter was in trouble when it came to her drinking and her behaviour. I told her to help her daughter either I was in the picture or not. Now, that I have been reading about not saying anything on here, I think that I made a mistake in doing so. I felt trapped and had no one to talk to but her family. I didnt' want to talk to my family or friends about it, because I knew they would've said to leave her (Which I didn't want to do).

Since the last 2 weeks we haven't been in contact, I am starting to realize that maybe I should have not said anything. who is her family going to believe? her or me? Her I am assuming. I believe deep down her family (mom) knows because she kept asking me to keep her updated of her behaviour. I am thinking that she has seen her daughter in this type of situation before. All I know is that when my ex finds out I will be painted blacker than black and she will think I betrayed her.

[arjay]

Having "someone" to talk to about our experiences is hugely important if for no other reason, for validation that we are not totally the problem.  I found it helpful to talk to my "T" and to read and post here.  Talking to our family/friends about it, is not the most helpful thing either.

As your 'ex' was raised by her parents, yes they know something isn't right and/or the whole situation is dysfunctional and they are choosing to "stuff it", something my 'ex'' mother did.  She wasn't a whole lot different than her daughter frankly.  Only you know your current situation.  

I found from counseling that I was trying to effect "change" in my 'ex' by contacting her family, encouraging my 'ex' to go to counseling, in even trying to rationalize with her.  The reality was she was not interested in changing, no matter what i thought of her behavior or how she lived her life.  It was up to her to change for "herself" and not for anyone else.  I used to say to my "T", "either she gets help or I am done", which is really not a boundary either.  It is forcing the person to do what I want and it rarely works.

So we either accept this unhealthy behavior or we acknowledge that it is not in our best interest short-term or long-term to be in this type of relationship.  In a case where there is no children, no financial ties and no interest on their part to acknowledge and address their behavior, it is often in our own best interest to simply let-go of the relationship.

Peace to you

[Lucky Jim]

Hey notsure, I did this, too.  Spoke w/my then wife's father and brother about her abusive behavior.  On some level, they recognized that what I was saying was true, since they were well aware of her past behavior.  On the other hand, they were in a difficult situation because, as arjay notes above, unless the pwBPD wants to change and seek help, there is little they can do.  Also, as you note, I put myself in a precarious position by going behind my wife's back, at great risk of getting painted black.  So looking back I don't know whether it was the right thing to do, but I was so frustrated and had to release the pressure somewhere.  Agree with arjay, on some level I was trying to force her to change, or control her behavior, when the real question was whether I could accept her unhealthy behavior over the long term (I couldn't).  LuckyJim

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

arjay, Lucky Jim,

Yes, I was trying to realease some pressure from of it all. My family is not in the same city I live in. I am alone where I live with only friends. I didnt want to talk to friends about it really. I dont think they would understand the situation. But yeah, I dont think she has found out that I spoke to her mom because she contacted me last night (See my other post). I will just keep moving along one step at a time.

Thanks to you both!

[Boss302]

I am going to post this,

I was so frustrated at one point that I decided to have a coversation with my ex's mom. I wanted her to realize that her daughter was in trouble when it came to her drinking and her behaviour. I told her to help her daughter either I was in the picture or not. Now, that I have been reading about not saying anything on here, I think that I made a mistake in doing so. I felt trapped and had no one to talk to but her family. I didnt' want to talk to my family or friends about it, because I knew they would've said to leave her (Which I didn't want to do).

Since the last 2 weeks we haven't been in contact, I am starting to realize that maybe I should have not said anything. who is her family going to believe? her or me? Her I am assuming. I believe deep down her family (mom) knows because she kept asking me to keep her updated of her behaviour. I am thinking that she has seen her daughter in this type of situation before. All I know is that when my ex finds out I will be painted blacker than black and she will think I betrayed her.

So... . lif I get all this straight... .

First, as her ex, you're under no OBLIGATION to do anything for her anymore, but you did - you reached out to her family. That's awfully nice of you.

Second, you're worried whether her family will believe you or not.

And now you're worried about her thinking you "betrayed" her and will paint you black? Irrelevant! If you're her ex, then what difference does it make she paints you black or not? You did the right thing, when you didn't have to do anything at all. My hat's off, brother. Her reaction is her choice.

If this sounds like I'm confronting you, I'm sorry, but this is a great example of the warped thinking patterns that those of us who served as caretakers for borderlines get trapped in. This is a learned behavior, and for you to be happy and independent, you need to let go of it. Or, as Master Yoda would say... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4jeREy7Pbc

I'm not perfect either - I still catch myself doing this four years after I left my BPDx from time to time. It's a deeply ingrained way of thinking. But it's your choice.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hi Boss,

I talked to her mom to see if they can sit with her and talk to her about all her issues.  I dont know if they know of her behaviours and what she does. She's had issues with the police and seems like she just does stupid stuff all the time. I can see a high school girl (Not even) doing stupid stuff like this. she is in her 30s. I know it is not of my concern now, but I wonder where she is going to be in 5 to 10 years from now.

Here is another thing, She told me that she has been taking anti depresents for like 3 years now. I think she lied to me about that as well, I am starting to believe she has been taking anti depresents all her life. That is just a guess tho.  she also told me that she had bulimia for like 3 years as well. All of that really adds up to BPD symptoms. I may be judging here, but from what I read those are the main symptoms of BPD. One thing that I dont understand is that when she drinks, she drinks until she passes out or blacksout.

There were times she didnt remember a thing about the night before. I told her that if she continue doing that, she could rape and she would never know. (Hopefully that has not happened yet). I think the blackouts happen from drinking alchohol and the antidepresents. Scary stuff really.

[Boss302]

Hi Boss,

I talked to her mom to see if they can sit with her and talk to her about all her issues.  I dont know if they know of her behaviours and what she does. She's had issues with the police and seems like she just does stupid stuff all the time. I can see a high school girl (Not even) doing stupid stuff like this. she is in her 30s. I know it is not of my concern now, but I wonder where she is going to be in 5 to 10 years from now.

Here is another thing, She told me that she has been taking anti depresents for like 3 years now. I think she lied to me about that as well, I am starting to believe she has been taking anti depresents all her life. That is just a guess tho.  she also told me that she had bulimia for like 3 years as well. All of that really adds up to BPD symptoms. I may be judging here, but from what I read those are the main symptoms of BPD. One thing that I dont understand is that when she drinks, she drinks until she passes out or blacksout.

There were times she didnt remember a thing about the night before. I told her that if she continue doing that, she could rape and she would never know. (Hopefully that has not happened yet). I think the blackouts happen from drinking alchohol and the antidepresents. Scary stuff really.

Reading this, I wonder if you've really let go of her.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hi Boss,

I am and I am not to be completly honest. She is beatifull and fun to be around with. I enjoyed the good times a lot. But the bad times were horrible. I don't know , all I know is that if we were to get back together , I will be going thru this again. I believe her ex ran away when he saw us together because he gave up, he just gave up, after all the turmoil she put him thru. That is the reason I am trying to convince myself that anything I try or do will not make her realize her issues.

[Red Sky]

IMO you did the right thing by telling her family, and now the ball isn't in your court. They can believe you or they can believe her, but ultimately neither you nor her get to decide that. They will make up their own minds what they think of you based on the information that they have.

I have told acquaintances' families several times in situations where I thought the person was going to do something destructive and I have never regretted it, because no matter what any of them think of you, you know that you did your best to help in the situation. (Also yes, it does help the terrible anxiety which can come with that knowledge.)

We generally make the decision that we feel is right at the time. No matter what you feel about it later, if you were put back in the past, with only the knowledge that you had at the time, you would not do anything different.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Redsky,

Here is the thing. After I talked and updated her mom for a few weeks. Her mom stopped talking to me? As if I was the crazy one. I know that the ex and her mom had a talk. I am not sure what the ex told her mom, but after a while the ex's mom seemed indifferent.

I believe that the ex told her mom that I was treating her like sht or something. I know that she has lied to everyone I mean everyone about me. her friends didnt like me for some reason, i could sense it. I dont know if her mom thought I was the biggest ahole or she just didnt watnt to her the crap her daugther does. If that makes sense.  She is the prettiest girl I've dated so far in my lifetime, its sucks cus at first I thougth I had won the lottery with her. Now, its all gone!

[Boss302]

Redsky,

Here is the thing. After I talked and updated her mom for a few weeks. Her mom stopped talking to me? As if I was the crazy one. I know that the ex and her mom had a talk. I am not sure what the ex told her mom, but after a while the ex's mom seemed indifferent.

I believe that the ex told her mom that I was treating her like sht or something. I know that she has lied to everyone I mean everyone about me. her friends didnt like me for some reason, i could sense it. I dont know if her mom thought I was the biggest ahole or she just didnt watnt to her the crap her daugther does. If that makes sense.  She is the prettiest girl I've dated so far in my lifetime, its sucks cus at first I thougth I had won the lottery with her. Now, its all gone!

Well, then, you've done the right thing and informed her mom, and if she doesn't want to believe you, then that's her mom's problem.

I think your main issue is that you haven't let go of this woman yet. You have every right to do so - you're not together anymore. Unless you have kids with her, you have absolutely no reason to to be involved her life, or for her to be involved in yours. Wash your hands of this.

And if you've attracted one pretty girl, you can do it again.

[clover528]

Notsure,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she more than likely will find out and will say you betrayed her. I did the same thing. I just posting about "wishing I didnt know". This is so difficult when you have noone to talk to. Please post here when you need to talk about her or her issues. It is safer, supportive, and private. Just be prepared to not engage if she does find out and confronts you. You didnt do anything wrong in the non world but in the disordered view, it was the ultimate betrayal. I am so sorry you are feeling anxious and still walking on egg shells because of your relationship. Know that you have the power to stop that. Just go NC. That gives you the time to process you own emotions. Reflect on your own behavior and needs. It will eventually lead to decreased worry and anxiety. Post here as often as you feel the need. It really does help. We all have been there in some form or fashion. Good thoughts to you.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Morning,

Boss- I am finding difficult to not text her back (she texted me a couple of days ago). I know that everyweekend that comes she goes out to find other guys. That is her thing, and always has been. I just dont get the need to be with different guys all the time. I mean, I did stuff like that in my early twenties. I'll give it 5 years tho, this girl's looks will fade fast. I can see that happening.


Clover- I agree with you. She will find out and think I betrayed I know that. At least her family knows what her problems. I told her mom she either will end up pragnant or she will get herself in a really bad accident from driving drunk. She already got pulled over by the cops and got herself in trouble, if she gets stopped on more time she is toast. I am trying my best to not contact her, so far I am holding on.

[Boss302]

Morning,

Boss- I am finding difficult to not text her back (she texted me a couple of days ago). I know that everyweekend that comes she goes out to find other guys. That is her thing, and always has been. I just dont get the need to be with different guys all the time.

I think you actually WANT her to go out with other guys - it will probably lead to her latching onto someone else and leaving you alone. I pity the poor schmuck this happens to, but that's not your problem. He has to make his own choices. And you need to choose to let go here.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think you actually WANT her to go out with other guys - it will probably lead to her latching onto someone else and leaving you alone. I pity the poor schmuck this happens to, but that's not your problem. He has to make his own choices. And you need to choose to let go here.

I agree with you.  I would bet she is already with someone else. or with a couple of guys already. That is a lost cause now.  I just keep thinking to myself is that if her and I get together again. I will be taking her crap again in no time. I think she really messed up with me, I had good intentions for the future. I wanted a family and be successful with her. Obviously she wanted to keep parying and do her thing. I can't wait to meet a normal girl really.

[arjay]

Obviously  this was something we all hoped.  Now that I have truly moved on however, I am soo very grateful there were no shared children involved; that I would have had to worry about damaged kids on top of struggling with a marriage with a BPD.  In  time you will be so very grateful this happened.  She really did do you a favor, something that is tough to see now, in the middle of the detachment phase.

The best thing we can do as individuals to not only avoid these types of relationships, but to develop the healthy and loving relationship we seek, is to spend the time to work on ourselves.  The 'ex' chasing me to counseling was (looking back) a blessing.  I was forced to deal with my own stuff and came away a much stronger and healthier person.

Peace to you

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

arjay,

Now that you mention councelling... . See, I even went to councelling with her. She had asked me to go with her to go to councelling because I was not good at comunicating with her. I didn't pay attention to her and all this other crap. I think she was projecting?  I did go because I truly wanted to work things out. I have never been to councelling in my life, she has been in councelling who knows for how long now. She went to councelling with her ex, I went to councelling with her... as I mentioned before it is just a cycle.

The next poor soul that she meets will be in there doing councelling too. Here is another thing, I had a meeting with her Therapist. Just him and myself (She introduced me to him). I had shown him some of her texts and name calling and just plain abusive behaviour on the texts. The first question he asked is "And why are you in this relationship? " I told her I loved the girl, that was it. He told me to run for the hills basically. It's like he knows she is BPD but he wont tell her. I am assuming tho. It's so frustrating because I think he should just be honest with her and ask her to take a test or something. There has to be something wrong with her... .

[arjay]

I had shown him some of her texts and name calling and just plain abusive behaviour on the texts. The first question he asked is "And why are you in this relationship? " I told her I loved the girl, that was it.

Thank you SOO much for that, because you sound like I did!  In other words "we" went to counseling to try to "FIX" them.  When I showed my "T" all my stuff (we met individually for a while and then together), he looked at me and said "I hear you and I understand, but what were YOU thinking"?.

Like you I thought "I have never been in counseling in my life and did so to save my marriage/relationship".  The point I am trying to make is that like myself, "you" stayed in an abusive relationship when you knew it was bad.  I did the same thing, and OFTEN we have our own issues like self-esteem (that goes way back even before our relationship), co-dependency, rescue tendencies and more.

So I stayed in counseling for "myself" for two years working on me.  There was no-thing I could do for her and instead of continuing to point the finger at her, pointed it at myself and decided I needed to work on me.  The results of that effort included being NC for seven years now, becoming stronger and healthier as a person, being completely happy without a committed relationship and happy if that opportunity comes around again.  In short I know what attracted me to the dysfunctional relationship and know I would never do that again with anyone, BPD or not.

Are you with me?

Peace to you

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Like you I thought "I have never been in counseling in my life and did so to save my marriage/relationship".  The point I am trying to make is that like myself, "you" stayed in an abusive relationship when you knew it was bad.  I did the same thing, and OFTEN we have our own issues like self-esteem (that goes way back even before our relationship), co-dependency, rescue tendencies and more.

I believe it has to do with the self-steem, co-dependency, and rescue tendencies statement. I do need to work on that for sure. That is great point you made there, Now, I have to fight the urge to reply to her text. I had some opinions on what to say here, but I think if I text her and reply to her text she sent me 2 days ago. I will be giving in... .

[arjay]

Like you I thought "I have never been in counseling in my life and did so to save my marriage/relationship".  The point I am trying to make is that like myself, "you" stayed in an abusive relationship when you knew it was bad.  I did the same thing, and OFTEN we have our own issues like self-esteem (that goes way back even before our relationship), co-dependency, rescue tendencies and more.

I believe it has to do with the self-steem, co-dependency, and rescue tendencies statement. I do need to work on that for sure. That is great point you made there, Now, I have to fight the urge to reply to her text. I had some opinions on what to say here, but I think if I text her and reply to her text she sent me 2 days ago. I will be giving in... .

Congratulations my friend, that is the "first step", our self-awareness.  Otherwise often we "replay that movie" in our head with each subsequent relationship, and then we are surprised with the outcome.

I had to look at myself and ask the question: "what is it about ME that results in my getting into relationships with unhealthy people?".  Fast forward, after counseling I did meet someone on a dating site and we dated for 12 months.  I paid attention this time and realized where it was going "before" all the bad stuff began.  It was my "final exam" after two years of counseling.  I broke it off in a respectful way and moved on.

If we wish for our life to be different, typically we have to be different too.

Peace to you

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

arjay,

I am going to do councelling and see what is it that I was atracted to this girl. The wild side of her? My insecurities ? who knows. But I am going to look into that and see what happens.

[Boss302]

The next poor soul that she meets will be in there doing councelling too. Here is another thing, I had a meeting with her Therapist. Just him and myself (She introduced me to him). I had shown him some of her texts and name calling and just plain abusive behaviour on the texts. The first question he asked is "And why are you in this relationship? " I told her I loved the girl, that was it. He told me to run for the hills basically.

Excellent advice!

[arjay]

arjay,

I am going to do councelling and see what is it that I was atracted to this girl. The wild side of her? My insecurities ? who knows. But I am going to look into that and see what happens.

My 'ex' tapped-in to my need to rescue and my low self-esteem.  She basically had me believing nobody wanted me but her and I was not meeting her needs, forcing her to be abusive and to leave.  What a sad state I was in.  Looking back likely that is what she thought of herself and why she abused herself too (cutting, self-medicating, risky sexual behavior, etc)

I commend you and everyone else to take the road of "self exploration" with a really good "T" (keep looking if you don't like the results).  It is the road to permanently moving on.

Peace to you

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

It's like we were in the completly same situation arjay. Maybe your ex and my ex were twins heh. Oh man, I got a long road ahead. I am going to be lonely for a while, but it is better than all the drama I've been thru for the last 2 years. I will keep coming here and reading stuff just to keep me afloat of all the anxiety I'm going thru. I lost everything because of this girl. Everything.

[Boss302]

It's like we were in the completly same situation arjay. Maybe your ex and my ex were twins heh. Oh man, I got a long road ahead. I am going to be lonely for a while, but it is better than all the drama I've been thru for the last 2 years. I will keep coming here and reading stuff just to keep me afloat of all the anxiety I'm going thru. I lost everything because of this girl. Everything.

I don't know if you quite "get" what was handed to you when that divorce was finalized - that judge gave your life back to you. You don't have to be enmeshed with this woman any more, unless you choose to be.

You got a gift in court. Now, use it and take your life back.

[arjay]

It's like we were in the completly same situation arjay. Maybe your ex and my ex were twins heh. Oh man, I got a long road ahead. I am going to be lonely for a while, but it is better than all the drama I've been thru for the last 2 years. I will keep coming here and reading stuff just to keep me afloat of all the anxiety I'm going thru. I lost everything because of this girl. Everything.

Same game, different person.  I know the deal because I now know myself.  I thought I lost everything too.  In truth I needed to be really kicked to finally look at myself.  It took a BPD to do that too.  I am not saying anybody deserves it, because they don't.  For me however I was finally forced to look at myself.  I guess in my case I got what I needed to get the message.

Here's the really weird part:

When we no longer feel the need to rescue, have recognized we not only have worth, but are one-of-a-kind in the world, and don't feel the need to become enmeshed with anyone, and have thoughts about a "healthy relationship with another healthy person", I had to figure out who the new me was!