My friend meant well

[JohnThorn]

I attempt to not talk to my friends about my BPD breakup, but I do have a friend I carpool with.  I shared some of my recent details with him. And his basic response was "I'm going to be totally honest with you. She doesn't respect you man. And she doesn't respect you because you allowed her to do all these things and still were like 'I love you baby'. If you had been like 'peace out' right from the gate, the very first time she started acting crazy, it would have put her in her place. She would have left and then called you up the next day begging you back. Nice guys who take the sht that's dealt them, always finish last because the girl wants to be put in their place. I'm sorry man. I don't believe in this whole borderline disorder thing. I think any strong willed guy could take your girl and have a happy relationship with her. Girls are crazy. You just lack the confidence to have the right dynamic with a girl who tests you. Forget everything your therapist says or what those websites say. There ain't no such thing as borderline personality disorder. It's made up to give pussies like you an excuse to feel like it wasn't your fault. But dude, I'm sorry it was"

[Narellan]

Wow. How do you feel about that JT ?

[JohnThorn]

Wow. How do you feel about that JT ?

Pretty awful because I have almost no support system. Of course the idea runs through my head, what could I have done different to have prevented this? But at the same time, I put her in her place (left her) multiple times. The behavior never changed. She's back now with the guy from before me. A guy who barely speaks English (the only language she speaks) and a guy who she claimed to never love... . was ugly... . etc. But the reality is, I KNOW in my heart she has BPD. I've begun to think that her condition is more advanced than I had thought. I think the girl has almost no moral compass. I think she is pathological.  I think she knows something is wrong and won't treat it. And right now I'm entirely split black.

I WISH I COULD GET AWAY FROM IT.  There is zero benefit to me thinking about this girl. I even believe that if I found her somewhere and faught for her, we would sleep together again, maybe even be together for 2 weeks. But that's it. There's nothing in this dynamic for me. I need to get away. I've done all I can to try. I've blocked her, I've been civil any time she has reached out to me. I've MOVED, I've tried meeting other women. I see a great therapist. I am out of ideas.

[Narellan]

I talked to my friend tonight who is better than my therapist for sounding things off. I think he's sick of hearing about it. Doesn't understand why it still consumes me. I told him nearly every night I wake up crying 3-4 times, during the day when I'm conscious I can mostly keep it together, but when I'm asleep the pain just leaks out of me. He was alarmed. Thinks I should have moved on by now. I can't make him understand how complete consumed by this I still am. I don't want my exBPD back. I can't go there. But the loss of love is huge.

I just watched a comedy, that turned into a soppy love thingy, and I cried again. My ex best friend has text me twice tonight begging to know why we aren't friends anymore, and I cried at that. I feel so isolated. And so damaged, I feel like if I leave the house people will point at me and whisper gossip. It's ridiculous after 3 months NC to still be so distraught.

At least exBPD has not come around. That's one plus.

JT, no one gets this like we do. Your friend is trying to be cruel to be kind, but it won't work. The wounds are still too deep. This is why we can't open up to people, they don't understand. I'm like a shell of myself. I go to work, come home get into bed, come on here to post. U get up to collect kids from school then go back to bed when home. I'm double locking doors, peeping through blinds if the doorbell rings.

I wonder if I'm losing my mind.

Tomorrow ill feel better.

[antjs]

Wow. How do you feel about that JT ?

She's back now with the guy from before me.  a guy who she claimed to never love... . was ugly... . etc. But the reality is, I KNOW in my heart she has BPD. I've begun to think that her condition is more advanced than I had thought. I think the girl has almost no moral compass. I think she is pathological.  I think she knows something is wrong and won't treat it. And right now I'm entirely split black.

first of all, this is exactly the phase of thinking i am in right now. I am not sure if she went back to her ex before me. but she is really dysfunctional. I thought that she is a high functioning BPD but my therapist said "she is 29, had 2 abortions, 1 failed marriage, 3 ex-fiances and 5 ex-bfs. she left three jobs in 2 years. she escaped her family and her country and living on tourist visas between two countries. why do you think she is high functioning ?" i was freezed.

Secondly, it is both she has BPD and you should have left with the first craziness incident. but, do not blame yourself. you live and learn. I assure you after this BPD experience you will not think twice before leaving a girl after something crazy or unforgivable do happen. You will become less needy. You will be more comfortable being alone than being in a crazy\sad relationship.

[Infared]

JT... .

Life has told me that a lot of what you friend says is someone else running their "game".

It is not what "we" ever wanted in a relationship. Game. I also think that there is quite a bit of truth to what he says in some situations, too. So do you, or you would not have bothered typing what he told you on this thread, in this forum. I do know for a fact that I was tough but understanding when my ex first left me (she told me she wanted space... "LIE"... . so I listened and tried to give that to her.), but she was running off to the guy she had been cheating on me with. I could have acted any way I wanted. It would not have changed anything.

I don't know how to solve all relationship problems but I do know this... . you are in a lot of pain, over one particular person. This person has proved to you over and over an over (etc. an infinum) again that they are going to cause you pain. So at this point who is the problem regarding that relationship as it currently exists?

We are the problem once the situation has advanced to this stage and we need to grab onto any healthy resource we can to take care of ourselves.

Not alcohol, not "fixing" this relationship, not another woman, not gambling, not spending money... . we need to get together with us. (And in my case I believe I have to get together with a God of my understanding)... . nothing else is going to ease the pain. Nothing.

I don't agree with this guy's assessment that you are the problem in the relationship... . but that is something that only you can own. I know how much you hurt. I have suffered like you have. My heart does go out to you.

[BorisAcusio]

There is a growing popularity of manosphere with sites like sosuave. Your friend must have been educated there. Boundaries mean nothing to a borderline by the definition of the disorder. They won't respect you, no matter what you've done, just like a 3 yeard old doesn't understand the concept of respect.  

[Ihope2]

I think your friend's advice is very ill-informed, opinionated and misleading. Also slightly misogynist.  I don't think he has a lot of insight into these things, at all.

I understand the concept of having boundaries and not taking cr@p from others, and in that way not appearing to be a push-over in their eyes. But there is far more at play here than that... .

[Louise7777]

"I think your friend's advice is very ill-informed, opinionated and misleading. Also slightly misogynist."

Slightly? 

As a woman, I can tell you that his behaviour is offensive. I wonder what kind of woman wants a r/s with HIM! I wouldnt take him as a rolemodel or as some kind of good adviser if I were you, John.

Every person should establish boundaries, in a r/s and everywhere... . His idea of "putting women in their places" is just narrow-minded and sounds like it comes from a magazine from the 50´s.

Im sorry for all the pain you are going through. I havent been in a r/s with a BPD, but I have with an uNPD (shortly) and a long one with an uPAPD (passive-aggressive PD man).

I think our main problem is we want to communicate, come to agreements and have a "normal" r/s with people who are emotionally 3 yo... . They are just too selfish, disrespectful and are great at enforcing their boundaries while jumping over ours. Im having the exact same problem right now with my uPAPD... . No matter how much I detach, he still finds ways to disrespect me. You are not alone! And remember, most of our friends have NO CLUE what it is like... .

[BorisAcusio]

"I think your friend's advice is very ill-informed, opinionated and misleading. Also slightly misogynist."

Slightly?  

As a woman, I can tell you that his behaviour is offensive. I wonder what kind of woman wants a r/s with HIM! I wouldnt take him as a rolemodel or as some kind of good adviser if I were you, John.

Every person should establish boundaries, in a r/s and everywhere... . His idea of "putting women in their places" is just narrow-minded and sounds like it comes from a magazine from the 50´s.

Im sorry for all the pain you are going through. I havent been in a r/s with a BPD, but I have with an uNPD (shortly) and a long one with an uPAPD (passive-aggressive PD man).

I think our main problem is we want to communicate, come to agreements and have a "normal" r/s with people who are emotionally 3 yo... . They are just too selfish, disrespectful and are great at enforcing their boundaries while jumping over ours. Im having the exact same problem right now with my uPAPD... . No matter how much I detach, he still finds ways to disrespect me. You are not alone! And remember, most of our friends have NO CLUE what it is like... .

Those self-proclaimed wominazers/alpha males repeatedly getting 'eaten alive' by BPD women. It's quite a hot topic on those forums.

Boundaries are there to protect yourself so you can walk away when they are breached. That's where we all failed. You can't tame them with it, nor change outcome.

[bruised]

My ex best friend has text me twice tonight begging to know why we aren't friends anymore, and I cried at that.

Hi Narellan,

Why haven't you told your ex-best friend that you know she shacked-up with your BPDexbf?

I only read a small selection of threads on this forum and I know you post here a lot, so I apologise if you've explained this and I missed it.

[Narellan]

Because they both lied to me for god knows how long. They were secretive sexting flirting, sending intimate photos etc to each other. Bagged me. Making dates to catch up. No one knew this.

I hacked his FB account. Thats how i found out, so i cant confront because he would kill me if he knew i did this.

(Technically not hacked, he had given me his password weeks earlier.)

I only logged on and looked once. Saw all i needed to see, and way more.

So i just told her i cant be friends anymore. That im eliminating stress from my life and she causes me stress.

She has numerous lovers. 1 Married guy been 3.5 yrs with him, hes married to her other best friend. She has 4 young guys at the footy club that taxt her when they want her.

I used these two things as reasons for ending the friendship.

All i want is both of them out of my life calmly. Thats what ive got.

Shes tormented because she doesnt know the real reason. Doesnt know why im NC with her.

Its called guilt! I dont need to explain my actions to her after what she did to me. Best friend for 20 years!

Im devastated. But proud of myself. NC with the two of them. Now they dont know What the heck is going on...

That was me for months, so Ive changed the dynamics. Im the persecutor now, not the victim!

[Trent]

I don't believe in this whole borderline disorder thing. I think any strong willed guy could take your girl and have a happy relationship with her. Girls are crazy. ... . There ain't no such thing as borderline personality disorder."

.  Clearly your friend has never been in a relationship with a pwBPD.  This is something you can't truly appreciate until you've lived through it.

I've read some of the alpha male stuff, and I know what he's referring to.  And a lot that content has merit, if nothing else than to help us in our growth.  However, on this topic, he doesn't have a f'n clue.  Hopefully, for his sake, he'll remain blissfully ignorant

[bruised]

I hacked his FB account. Thats how i found out, so i cant confront because he would kill me if he knew i did this.

I see, fair enough!