14 Days NC and Anxiety is getting worse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm 14 days NC and things seem to be getting worse!

The solid resolve I had a while back is weakening and I'm replaying events constantly. I am struggling with NC the more I stay away from her.

This has effected me on all levels... . I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, I have a constant anxious knot in my stomach, I am waking up at 4am each morning ( way before I have to, i have ringing in my ears, ruminating all the time and feeling a lot of guilt and shame related to this failed relationship.I am even feeling jealousy and wondering who she's with now which is also a foreign emotion for me. Even basic things like chores and the small amount of work I have to do are a drag and seem way bigger than the really are.

I am also isolating and completely in my head and feelings.

I feel awful and the anxiety has taken over the sadness. I haven't been particularly prone to depression or anxiety for over a decade and this feels like hell!

Just reaching out to find out if this is a normal part of the grief/detachment process or am I going into a dark hole fast?

Has anyone gone through this and have any guidance?

Peace

[Lion Fire]

I'm 14 days NC and things seem to be getting worse!

The solid resolve I had a while back is weakening and I'm replaying events constantly. I am struggling with NC the more I stay away from her.

This has effected me on all levels... . I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, I have a constant anxious knot in my stomach, I am waking up at 4am each morning ( way before I have to, i have ringing in my ears, ruminating all the time and feeling a lot of guilt and shame related to this failed relationship.I am even feeling jealousy and wondering who she's with now which is also a foreign emotion for me. Even basic things like chores and the small amount of work I have to do are a drag and seem way bigger than the really are.

I am also isolating and completely in my head and feelings.

I feel awful and the anxiety has taken over the sadness. I haven't been particularly prone to depression or anxiety for over a decade and this feels like hell!

Just reaching out to find out if this is a normal part of the grief/detachment process or am I going into a dark hole fast?

Has anyone gone through this and have any guidance?

Peace

[crushed_to_pieces]

Trust me, what you are going through and what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal. Every word you typed explains exactly how I feel/have felt.

The longest my exBP fiance and I have gone NC was 14 days, and instead of things getting a bit easier with each passing day, it got worse. When he broke NC on the 14th day, I was too weak to resist, and I responded to his text. I even allowed him to smooth talk me into thinking he wanted to work on things and that he still loved/missed me, the way I did him.

So I ended up seeing him twice over this past Memorial Day weekend, but he couldn't even keep up the good behavior for a week. For a few days he was loving, willing to talk about things and said he really wanted to try and work things out. Then, 2 days ago he just stopped communicating with me again. I just can't stand to go through this anymore.

I feel like he is sucking every bit of life I have left inside of me. I'm ashamed to say how many times I have allowed him to break NC after going for a couple weeks here and there since he abandoned our relationship in the end of February.

I know in my heart he will never change, and if I continue to let him back in, I will never heal. I know how dark the world feels around you right now. I know what it feels like to hope and pray that he'll reach out just so I know he's thinking of me or missing me, even a little bit. I know what it's like to desperately want to believe that things can and will be different if we can just have another shot at it, but the reality is that he will never be the man he portrayed himself to be initially. That man is long gone, and although I still love that man, I have to somehow find a way to let him go in order to move past this brokenness.

Hold on my friend... . you are in the midst of a storm and one day the clouds will break and you'll begin to see fragments of sunshine. That day WILL come. If NC is broken it will only set you back further. Keep pressing forward, putting one foot in front of the other. Moment by moment, day by day.

I'll say a prayer for you today.

~Crushed

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Lion Fire.  That is normal.  You are grieving and, in a sense, going through "withdrawal."  Feelings are being triggered and the numbness of being in a relationship with a BPD person is wearing off.  But along with that comes anxiety and ruminating and obsessing... . you need to allow yourself to cry and feel the pain and the anger.  Ruminating and analyzing and overthinking is an unconscious way to *avoid* your feelings.

Are you seeing a counselor or therapist?  You need to find someone you trust and just sit with them privately and, instead of talking and talking and talking about it all over and over and over, just cry.  I know it may sound silly, but its true.

[Lion Fire]

Thank you for what you shared crushed... .

I honestly feel like I'm going nuts! My head is all over the place and my feeling are way off balance.

I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles. This is really awfull. Fortunately, I only stayed for one mini recycle and then cut out. That said, I had LC for 3 weeks and that was disturbing. Your story confirms that things will get worse if I resume contact.

I really hope you too get through this black spot.

Thanks again and I too will say a wee prayer for you  

Blessings


Lion

[Vatz]

I don't know if this will help you but... .

You know what helps me get to sleep? A good vigorous weightlifting session in the evening, high weights, low reps. Usually around 6 PM. I work till my face is red. I come home very sore, and very happy. I can sleep knowing that I did a good thing that day. The next day I am incredibly sore, then work out a different muscle group. The soreness from the previous nights session has me nursing my pain. I'm in pain, and sometimes find it hard to walk (if I worked my legs) and this good pain keeps my head clear of any unwanted thoughts. Eat hardy, and watch something funny. No alcohol, no drugs. These things bring out the worst in a person, especially when he's already depressed.

Meet with friends, invite them over. This may motivate you to also clean your home, it's busy-work that leaves your environment looking fresh.

14 days isn't easy. It's not even a month, the wounds are fresh. But you need something to keep your mind off. Try drawing, try writing a story.

Just remember, DO NOT contact them. We're here because we loved a disordered person. The chaos will not end unless they are gone.

You're probably going to torture yourself over the things you may have done. Why perhaps it's "your fault." When it's yours, you're willing to change, and perhaps things can improve. To believe that it is your fault, is to feel like you have some control (in the relationship.) But you don't, you never did. I'm guessing your relationship was turbulent, and I looked at a few earlier posts it seems she was abusive. But someone like her is most likely unwilling to change, and I wouldn't even bet on the "possibility." Too much risk and pain for whatever possible and unlikely future gain. It wasn't really your fault. Even if it was, it doesn't matter. It was just as much theirs.

I get a bit long-winded, and I'm hoping you're with me so far. You need to keep busy. By that I mean really engage yourself in an activity. You're at the beginning of your healing process. Like lifting weights, you gotta stay consistent and dedicated if you wanna see results, I'm still learning that the hard way (both relationships and my weights  )

The reward for staying strong through all this pain is great. Don't let yourself down, chummer. Keep at it with the NC and you'll be OK.

[AwakenedOne]

I have my own in place: I  play back a abusive rant that I recorded on my phone of her tearing into me like a wild animal. I also look at a list I made up of positives and negatives... . This usually sets me back on the track of self care when I wander into 'what if's'  

Hey LF,

Maybe every day after you wake up play that rant and read the list and also again right before you go to sleep at night do the same? Opens and closes the day with a realization that it isn't meant to be, you don't need the grief and you deserve better vibe?

Just an idea. Hope you gets some peace.

Peace be unto you,

AO

[corraline]

Lionfire,

I totally felt like you did and periodically it comes back but not nearly as bad as it did. Everyone has their ways that work best but for me i had to just ride the wave.  Allow myself to be there, not go into fear.  Fear will block your process.  You are going to be alright.  I focused on myself, one baby step at a time.  Hot baths with epsom salts (detoxing and relaxing), reading , the odd distraction of non triggering movies, planting flowers, little walks, i use alot of unconventional self care tools too . I took and still take supplements to help restore my nervous system.   Cause it was seriously ravaged. It felt like a serious addiction withdrawal.  I think the most important as i said was just acknowledging where i was , accepting it and going through it. There is so much suffering and pain in these relationships, we have to give ourself the grace and the space to work through it.  You will come out the other side.

[Red Sky]

I agree with the idea of doing exercise. I tend to think that going for a run fixes almost everything though  

I finally managed to break up with an abusive ex (nowadays I suspect uNPD? Doesn't really matter... . He did cycles of charming and horrible) by the simple technique of 'give it a week'. I find that a week is usually the time period it takes for my willpower to substantially increase. I told myself one week NC. Then two, then three, then four. Each week I said to myself 'my project, my goal for this week is to not contact him. I will do whatever I need to achieve this goal.' (Usually that meant: be kind to myself. Keep busy. Trying not to dwell on it, even if that means consciously thinking if something else when the thoughts pop into your head.) and soon enough it was a month, and I could say 'If I made it a month I can make it two, or three... . Or forever.'

Sending you a virtual hug and some very real willpower.

[Loveofhislife]

I haven't been here in a few weeks--broke NC big time.  And I don't know why this comforts me--but knowing that once we passed through the idealization phase, it was pretty much over:  at least for the pwBPD,  Again, I have told my therapist and a best girl friend that there is no going back once you've entered the devalued zone.  It's the strangest thing, because we all want to think about "ruminate" what we said or what we did.  I convinced myself that it must be because I had gained weight, because he is younger, because I had become angry with him:  a million different reasons why he had devalued me and frequently threatens and tests the water for a discard of me.  I love the comment that our analyzing and over thinking blocks our feeling this pain.  I commend every one on this board for braving the pain of NC--I have read that it is like severing off one of our limbs, when we have to learn to feel our own pain and emptiness instead of theirs.  Perhaps that's what we were doing all along:  feeling their pain so that we didn't have to feel ours.  In a way, this is a new beginning for each of us--one that we may never have found without them in our lives.  Scott Peck wrote about the "blessing of addictions"--and the irony he described was that some of the most self actualized and spiritual people he knew were those who had gone through recovery of some addiction or another.  I know for certain that NC feels MUCH worse for me than any other bad habit I have given up.  I do not look forward to doing it again, but it's time to get back on the wagon--time to start loving and caring for me instead of for him.  Lionfire--you are lionhearted in my book.  Stay the course.  Two weeks is a great start toward any sustainable behavior change.  Thanks for your post.

[Narellan]

I'm in exactly the same place the past week. I've been 11 weeks NC and was feeling better, but I'm back down again. Good days and bad days. It's perfectly normal to feel this way. I'm waking up 3-4 times a night crying. My crying wakes me. It's bloody awful. During the day I can contain the sadness but when I'm asleep, it just happens. It's the worst depression I've had. I'm going to start doing yoga and talk more about this to my T.

All in all, It does get easier to best, but I've been triggered this week as my exBPD has just returned from interstate and lives 5 mins away.

Keep posting on here. We are all here for each other.

[BorisAcusio]

Addiction recovery programs usually run 90 days for a reason. Depending on the definition, I'm at day 58/71 of NC and I can assure you that it does get easier with time. The first month is the hardest.

[Lion Fire]

I really appreciate all the comments. This has really helped me!

Today I woke up after a half decent sleep and can vaguely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With NC, I initiated it and I've blocked her so she cannot reach me directly. Yes, it feels like withdrawal!

A friend reminded me that I have been through much tougher challenges  in my life... . I was a neglected and abused child, I suffered with substance addiction for years and have been clean and sober for 15 years, I had a stroke at the age of 32, lost my wife in a car crash when I was 34, I've been a soldier... served in the military and I've involved in a brutal war with several near death experiences. I've been a boxer all my life and have taken some big big beatings along the way. I have got through all of these and come back a better man. I reflected on these things and this gave me courage and hope.

Yesterday, I went for a long walk with my disabled uncle and listened to his worries, I worked out for an our in an outdoor gym, I went to a 12 Step recovery meeting and helped a newcomer.I also let emotions flow privately without trying to put a lid on them. This got me out of myself 

I did some writing last night... . the alternative to the place I am in now ( which is painful but healing and real) would to be with her in London... . This gave me some relief to know that I am in a better place, exactly where I should be right now. I would be run ragged and trying to meet her goals and neglecting my own needs ( to put it mildly  )

I was reminded of something last night that really helped... . once we leave the place of being idealised and being the hero with a BPD, we can never go back to that exquisite time with them. It's progressive and the abuse will always continue after this threshold has been crossed. It will be degrees of abuse and damage.

On a funner note: My nickname is Lion and in one of her vile exchanges towards the end she told me amongst many other things to "grow some balls, man up, people think you are a Lion but you're actually a lamb, " ... . I laughed at that at the time and it still makes me chuckle 

Blessings to everyone today

Peace

[Take2]

I feel like he is sucking every bit of life I have left inside of me. I'm ashamed to say how many times I have allowed him to break NC after going for a couple weeks here and there since he abandoned our relationship in the end of February.

I know in my heart he will never change, and if I continue to let him back in, I will never heal. I know how dark the world feels around you right now. I know what it feels like to hope and pray that he'll reach out just so I know he's thinking of me or missing me, even a little bit. I know what it's like to desperately want to believe that things can and will be different if we can just have another shot at it, but the reality is that he will never be the man he portrayed himself to be initially. That man is long gone, and although I still love that man, I have to somehow find a way to let him go in order to move past this brokenness.

This has been very true in my own experience as well.  I allowed myself to be recycled so many times over the r/s that I honestly have no idea how many times it's been.  I will say that it did slowly deteriorate with every single recycle until that sped up last year to a fast paced deterioration that had me fear for my physical safety at times.  It slowed back down after that but continued to get worse.  Even as we haven't been "together" for some time now - I have found that ANY contact with him results in a further downward spiral.  Because we work together, NC is simply not possible.  LC is and the times we have gone without any contact have been brutal for me - despite the fact that all my ex is now is a very abusive man to me.  That I feel actual longing for a person who mostly only calls me terrible names, threatens my home and my job, threatens to destroy me - because I need to be taught a lesson that he is not someone to mess with (this has NO basis in reality) - that I miss this behavior when we don't talk truly shows the addiction for what it is.

I am in a far better place these days though - but because I can't have NC, it's taken me a very, very long time to get here.  Embrace NC... . as horribly painful as it is... .   because it will get you to a better place faster... . !

[Take2]

By the way... . WOW Lion Fire... .   you have been thru so much... .   ((hugs))   

You got this... .  

[Infared]

Lion Fire... .

You sound like you are doin great to me... . give yourself credit for being in the process and being very aware of it.  What helped me was to use my 12-step recovery with this ... . issue. You just have to maintain NC for one 24 hour period... . keep it in the minute if you need to... . exercise and double up on some mtgs. This downswing will pass... . also, since you are in recovery... . helping someone else who is struggling is the best way for us to get out of ourselves... .

Distancing yourself here will give your more clarity about this person, too.

Painful, yes... . but enlightening.

[corraline]

Blessings to everyone today

Peace

back at you Lion Fire !

thanks for being here and sharing with us.

   

[arjay]

Yes I had similar experiences.  I found my emotions to parallel the "swinging of the screen door".  They swung wildly in the beginning and slowly dampened over time.  I did have down days and they typically were not as bad as the early-on bad days.  It is a detachment and it takes time.

Each day slowly gets better.  Sometimes I had to take it one hour at a time, then one day at a time, then maybe one day a week it hit me, then one day every other week and so on.

It just goes away like any sickness/cold/etc.  It just takes time for the body and spirit to heal.  Know that this is all part of the healing process and you will make it and become stronger because of it too.

Peace to you