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Author Topic: Seen her new BF  (Read 3968 times)
blueman54321
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« on: May 31, 2014, 09:38:25 AM »

I have today seen her new boyfriend on a friends Facebook.

They are eating an ice cream together, he looks really old.

She has died her hair red and is wearing clothes that make her look older, clothes she doesn't normally wear.

She actually doesn't look at all attractive or sexy in any way. She's wearing glasses which she never does.

Perhaps this is the look she is trying to portray.

Or maybe I'm coming to my senses.

It isn't an especially intimate picture, they are just sitting close to each other.

It hurts all the same.

Why I did it I don't know, maybe I like to punish myself.

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blueman54321
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« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2014, 09:43:06 AM »

I have been given her new number a few days ago also, she doesn't know I have it.

I haven't felt like talking to her specifically much, I haven't rung. Why bother when all I get is this twisted side of her while she plays out some sweet intelligent thing to this new guy.

She isn't particularly intelligent, although she thinks she's Mr's Einstein.

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

There is no chance for a casual bumping into each other due to distance.

Maybe in a while I'll call her. But I doubt she'd want to know unless her new rs goes tits up.

They seem to be taking it slow, unusual for her but perhaps because he has to work or something.

Still ruminating... .
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blueman54321
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« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2014, 09:49:10 AM »

Also I think her email last week was her leaving the door open for some contact. As she may not be totally sold on this new guy, I don't know. We broke up less than 2 months ago and she has has 3 failed relationships already.

I have been privvy by her to all 3, what they look like, how it's going etc. This time around she is keeping me silent. Maybe indication she does like him, but he has been friends with her nearly 2 weeks on Facebook, no status's about him, no relationship updates, just a like from him on one of her pictures and this picture of them two together where they look like friends.

I don't know why I'm ruminating today, I have been ok all week.

Maybe it's hope cropping it's way in again, I feel a bit low right now because of my new job I haven't done any exercise, although I still seem to be losing weight.

Going to do some now.
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arjay
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« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2014, 10:03:47 AM »

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

Greetings.  What you are experiencing is very typical and something most of did for a while.  Sadly the desire to get "closure" and any "validation" is unfortunately what never seems to happen.  I tried like you and simply came away feeling worse and set-back.  I kept hoping that "some-thing" inside of her would come to terms with her behavior and acknowledge how ever much she blamed me, that she would finally take responsibility, apologize and let me move-on.  It just never happened.

I found my peace and validation here, by posting, reading the experiences of others and realizing I had to forgive myself, validate myself and tell myself I had made a grave mistake and it was now time to learn from it and move on.  It can be easier said than done, however we can't get what we need, from someone incapable of providing it, and until I really, really took that to heart, I was simply setting myself up for being "stuck".

Keep posting and reading other's experiences and you will find the same story over and over again.  It took me to a new place within myself; a place where I found my own validation and my own peace.  That is a powerful place to be, because we no longer need to depend on others to find the peace we seek within ourselves.

Peace to you
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Front runner
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« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2014, 12:12:04 PM »

Hi Blueman,

You're moving into dangerous territory here. Seriously... . She changed her number. Do not I repeat do not ring it.

Remember no ones ever gonna miss you till you're gone.

If you ring her she could easily get the rozzers involved
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Front runner
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« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2014, 12:13:54 PM »

This is your ultimate test. Don't fail yourself. You can do it. I'm here with you I swear it
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blueman54321
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« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2014, 12:15:38 PM »

Still feel like I need to prove to her that I'm not who she made me out to be when we split up, I guess all the toxicity she fed my way really dented my self-esteem.

I want to prove myself in a way, to her, I'm not even sure I like her anymore let alone love her, I'm not sure what I want, I just want to go somewhere with her, talk, and leave, for good. On my own terms not influenced by her lies and abuse.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2014, 12:16:21 PM »

This is your ultimate test. Don't fail yourself. You can do it. I'm here with you I swear it

I'm trying.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2014, 12:22:05 PM »

It's hard to know when you're lieing to yourself, it's a constant battle and requires a lot of introspection, always doubting my own motives and intentions.
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« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2014, 12:49:28 PM »

Just see it as an addiction. A serious drug addiction. Do whatever it takes. I left my job, rented out my flat and moved to my mums 100 miles away.

You need time and so does she.

You've got to give her a chance to miss you. Imagine if you just disappeared off the map? How cool would that be. What would Harrison ford do in raiders of the lost ark and what happened to him and her further down the line. Hang in there and start no ___ing contact
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arjay
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« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2014, 12:57:16 PM »

Still feel like I need to prove to her that I'm not who she made me out to be when we split up, I guess all the toxicity she fed my way really dented my self-esteem.

Thank you for your candor.  That is something many of us struggled with.  "We are looking for self-worth outside our selves", and exactly why I finally ended up dealing with my own stuff.  If we don't realize this tendency, our experience with a BPD relationship is likely to repeat with someone else, and not necessarily someone who is BPD.

As long as our view of "self-worth" continues to be in the hands of somebody else, we are really handing over our lives and happiness to others, instead of being responsible for it ourselves. In a much more subtle way, we are doing exactly what a pwBPD does in a much more obvious way.

Peace to you
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Tausk
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« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2014, 01:07:04 PM »

I have been given her new number a few days ago also, she doesn't know I have it.

I haven't felt like talking to her specifically much, I haven't rung. Why bother when all I get is this twisted side of her while she plays out some sweet intelligent thing to this new guy.

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

Oh, Blueman.  I'm sorry for your pain.  I understand.  It hurts to the core.  But I've learned the hard way that the pain has nothing to do with my ex, but rather why did I give my love and myself away to a person who not only does not have the capacity to love, but also is genuinely destructive to me.  In fact, I'm not really sorry that your ex has moved on. In time I hope you can see that it's a gift to you.  

If you contact her now, then you'll be breaking the boundaries and you'll be the "other man."   You'll be right in the middle of the Disorder.   How would you have felt if her exes before you were calling your ex during the initial stages of your courtship?  You will be volunteering for the Karpman Triangle.  And when I did thing like that, it resulted in nothing but futher pain and destruction for me, and fed the Disorder in my Ex.  

Closure is impossible with her. Closure is only something we can give to ourselves.  With a minimally emotionally developed person, closure in communication is good because it allows for mutual grieving, forgiveness, and acknowledgment of the contributions of both people to the r/s.  

In an interaction with a pwBPD, the pwBPD has none of those attributes to contribute to the discussion.  My ex hates me now.  She can't grieve. All she can do is paint me black, forget me, and lay with another man.  It's the nature of the disorder.

Closure for me is that I'm trying to deny access to my heart to something that is indiscriminately destructive to me.  Closure means I'm shutting the door to my ex and looking inwards to myself.  

Closure mean being humble enough to understand that:

The Disorder exists to deny itself.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder must be respected.   The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder by nature creates collateral damage.  The only way to find happiness for me is as a victim to the Disorder and to move on.

I'm sorry for you pain.  I feel it.  We all do.  Closure is feeling the pain and having the hope and faith that will get through to the other side.  Which we WILL!

In peace,

T
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kba1969
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« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2014, 01:34:10 PM »

I can guarantee calling her isn't gonna get you what your looking for, trust me, I did it.  I cried like a little baby and told her everything I thought I wanted to.  She was emotionless, even said "Sorry I'm not crying, it will hit me all at once."  It was obvious she had already moved on to another blow up doll.  I'm almost three weeks NC and feel better already.  I to would probably talk to her again sometime but I'm not making contact.  If she does call or text me I'm not going to answer her right away, if at all.  I'll decide at that time, not putting any pressure on myself.  I've learned a lot about her disorder and am becoming stronger by the day.  Throw that number away, you don't need it.  Your going to feel a sense of power just doing that!  Mark on your calendar every day you don't contact her.  Soon you will go days and forget to.  NC also means no Facebook, unfollow people that connected you guys.  You will do it and feel good about it.  I still think about my X daily but I don't have the urge to even want to talk at this point, they just can't hear you anyway.  Good luck, you can do this!  It should be all about you now Smiling (click to insert in post)
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blueman54321
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« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2014, 05:54:44 PM »

Yes I think I'm starting to turn that way.

I feel like looking at her Facebook through my friends account. I could, but then I think it's only going to hurt me, and I don't have the energy for that.

I think I've burnt myself out now and have had enough of her through sheer exhaustion.

Why do I care about her, why should I bother, she's not a nice person.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2014, 06:50:26 PM »

I understand why they act this way, but seeing her with someone who has grey hair and looks old when she is young is baffling and I still feel jealous.

Sorry for anyone with grey hair but we are both young and will happen to us too but you know what I mean.

It makes me ask the question, what does she see in him, but then I know it's because she cannot be alone.

This is why she's been in 4 relationships in 2 months since we split up, anyone who says yes to her she takes.

I am better than her. I have to remember this.

But she's having all the fun.

I try to pretend to be happy but I'm miserable deep down.

I don't even know what I want anymore, I just know I have to keep going forward and keep bettering myself.

Maybe in time I'll know.

Maybe this darkness will dissapear then.

One day she will peak into my life and regret losing me, she will regret hurting me and she will be ashamed of who she is and what she has done.

At the very least I know she will regret it. She has already, albeit fleetingly.

I regret ever letting her into my heart.
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arjay
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« Reply #15 on: May 31, 2014, 06:59:48 PM »

But she's having all the fun.

I wouldn't call the life of a BPD especially fun.  In fact it is a hurtful, filled with emotional turmoil and with little to no internal stability.  If you wished to trade places with her, that means you have to take all that goes with it too.  


Peace
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blueman54321
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« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2014, 07:35:35 PM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.
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« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2014, 07:47:35 PM »

blueman greetings,


I was there (in your place) nearly 3 months ago. TRUST ME. you will not get any closure or logic from her.i will tell you part of my story. you can even check my previous posts.


I was lucky enough and she was very low functioning that i discovered her truth only 6 weeks into the relationship. she made crazy things. i mean like really crazy. like taking off my friend's t-shirt infront of me to get me jealous. like meeting her ex-bf in hotels Smiling (click to insert in post) a lot of stuff. anyway, we broke up after one recycle over text. it was mutual. both of us saw it coming. in the end, she told me that i am a good person and she does not want to lose me as a friend and she would like to see me before she would travel for a business trip. initially i told her i needed space. three days later, i was down and called her and agreed to meet on sunday cause saturday she is busy (she told me where she would be on saturday). we set a date and time. two hours later, i was about to lose my mind. i called her and started questioning and talking rationally or logically. and BOOM the nice person that wanted to be "friends with me" vanished. her tone and way of talking was so rude. she did not want to answer any question. her tone was the same tone i heard when she was talking to her ex over the phone though i did not do anything bad to her (now i know her ex did not too). i ended up angry and told her that the meeting is cancelled. two days later, i felt that maybe i should have been more patient. i went to where she is on saturday. God, i wish i did not. i lost my dignity, my pride. i was literally begging her to talk and got nothing.


questioning a BPD about a past relationship is not good for her. It is a survival mechanism for her. she would not allow anyone to let her see anything wrong with her. because if she allowed so she would not be able to process these feelings as they have ceased emotional growth at a very young age. going after and chasing her only will ENABLE her. enabling here means that she will say "see he is still chasing me. that means that he is wrong and he is aware that he is wrong and thats why he is chasing me. i was sure when i told myself that i did nothing wrong in this relationship and it is all his fault." my therapist told me that they just dont twist facts as in they say a lie until they believe it no they really have delusions and they really feel that their version of story is the real one.


take care of yourself. try to heal and move on. as soon as you are devalued NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM HER. even if she tries to come back later it is because she is lonely or whatever. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. people are like objects to them. they suck up your life and just discard you without remorse or even looking back.
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« Reply #18 on: May 31, 2014, 08:12:14 PM »

i would like to add some answers for your questions too. maybe it will calm you a little.


my ex is 29 and i am 26. I am the only younger man she has ever been with. she has been married to a man who is 50 while she was 23. even after her divorce all her bfs were in their 40s-50s. i told her during the first break up that she has daddy issues. she was like "i know." some BPDs have daddy issues due to emotional\sexual abuse by their dads when they are young. They just go with the idea of "I can get a new daddy\partner."

as for she is having all the fun and you are sad and miserable. yes it is true BUT FOR SOME TIME ! her life is like getting a rush just to escape the pain and agony that is chronic and life long. a fake rush after a fake rush... . and so on. you on the other hand will go through pain (at this stage you feel it is not fair) and then you heal and become wiser and more experienced. I am seeing a therapist now. first time i went to him i was so angry. am i the one who needs to go to a therapist and she is the crazy one ? my therapist diagnosed her on the first session. i even questioned his diagnosis and he said i do not have to meet her, she is a text book case  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 6 sessions later he said "I can not find anything wrong with you (i was worried of co-dependency or childhood issues) you seem very normal. you just have a quarter life crisis and it will be over soon.
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Tausk
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« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2014, 10:03:53 PM »

I understand why they act this way, but seeing her with someone who has grey hair and looks old when she is young is baffling and I still feel jealous.

I understand.  I'm jealous as well.  But the reality is that we are the lucky ones.  We got out.  Many people spend their entire lives trying to appease a pwBPD and in the end it was all for naught. Nothing of substance survives because they have such limited awareness and sense of self.  

Excerpt
It makes me ask the question, what does she see in him, but then I know it's because she cannot be alone.  This is why she's been in 4 relationships in 2 months since we split up, anyone who says yes to her she takes... . But she's having all the fun.

Four r/s in 2 months since the break up doesn't seem like fun. It seems like torture.   She might mask the terror for a few moments, but I know my ex lives in the eternal nightmare of a traumatized three year old.    She knows she's different, but has no idea how to change.  All she can do is survive.  There's nothing fun in that.  It's terribly pathetic and a destructive waste of a human being. And it's all the worse because the Disorder brings others down with it.  

Excerpt
I try to pretend to be happy but I'm miserable deep down.

I don't even know what I want anymore, I just know I have to keep going forward and keep bettering myself.

Maybe in time I'll know.

Maybe this darkness will dissapear then.

It will. Keep posting and venting.  You are doing great. It hurts like hell.  But there are things to gain from our pain of recovery.  The pain we felt in the interaction with our exes never amounted to anything.  It was all a waste.  The work we are doing now, will follow us for the rest of our lives. But in the meantime, try and stay in the moment. Breathe, work out, read, write, vent, cry, meditate... . feel and do the FOO stuff when ready.

Excerpt
One day she will peak into my life and regret losing me, she will regret hurting me and she will be ashamed of who she is and what she has done.

At the very least I know she will regret it. She has already, albeit fleetingly.

I regret ever letting her into my heart.

She won't regret it.  She doesn't know how to regret or take responsibility.  It's not within her capacity.  All she can do is paint me black, forget me, and lay with a another man.  And she is already ashamed of who she is.  Shame is her essence, but since she can't take responsibility for what she has done, all she can do is accumulate more shame. There's no way to process it.  It just builds and builds.    Hoping for validation from her is bargaining.  It will not come.  Yes, it doesn't make sense, but it will not come.  She doesn't have the capacity to provide validation.  All she can do is think in black and white, and you are black.

Hang in there.  I understand. I bargain and still hold conversations that will never occur.  But when I let go, I find some peace, because there is never any peace during an entanglement with a pwBPD.

It's a Disorder.  The Disorder always wins.

In sadness.

T
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blueman54321
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« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2014, 04:50:28 AM »

It's a shame because I thought she was stronger than that, but I guess it always wins.

You may be right with the daddy issues, he actually looks a bit like her dad.

She does have big daddy issues, he was emotionally and physically abusive when she was yound and then shunned her for much of a decade from her teen into her twenties until she met me and I helped her sort her issues out and she started communicating with him.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2014, 04:50:57 AM »

Not to mention her dad was in the army, just like this guy.
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« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2014, 06:23:04 AM »

questioning a BPD about a past relationship is not good for her. It is a survival mechanism for her. she would not allow anyone to let her see anything wrong with her. because if she allowed so she would not be able to process these feelings as they have ceased emotional growth at a very young age. going after and chasing her only will ENABLE her. enabling here means that she will say "see he is still chasing me. that means that he is wrong and he is aware that he is wrong and thats why he is chasing me. i was sure when i told myself that i did nothing wrong in this relationship and it is all his fault." my therapist told me that they just dont twist facts as in they say a lie until they believe it no they really have delusions and they really feel that their version of story is the real one.


IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

Oh man... this is so similar to what happened to me and my ex when I thought about a second chance.

Nothing was her fault for the breakup. Blaming, criticism and nothing positive for me.

I really didn't want to talk about the past. But before I tried anything, she remembered

every mistake I had done. Like a written list.
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« Reply #23 on: June 01, 2014, 07:12:25 AM »

Not to mention her dad was in the army, just like this guy.

my exBPDgf 's dad was an officer in the local security agency in a third world country. he is a freaking narcissist. without even seeing him just from her stories about him during the idealization phase.
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« Reply #24 on: June 01, 2014, 07:43:10 AM »

Hi

Your x sounds a lot like mine as well.  18 months since i split and no contact is the best thing to get on with your life.  Like youself i went through an awful period when all i did was stare into space like a stunned fish and think of her, try and work her out etc.  Truth lof the matter is she can't work herself out so what chance do we have.  Am finally now happy again with a new lady i actually met in a support group (not this group) who i would not have met without going through the experience.  Every cloud has a silver lining.

Good luck!
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blueman54321
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« Reply #25 on: June 01, 2014, 03:39:26 PM »

Yeah so I'm getting urges to check out her profile all of a sudden, maybe it's because it's the end of the weekend and I'm curious.

Resisting.

One day I'm strong then the next I'm weak.
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« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2014, 03:52:35 PM »

Yeah so I'm getting urges to check out her profile all of a sudden, maybe it's because it's the end of the weekend and I'm curious.

Resisting.

One day I'm strong then the next I'm weak.

Have you actually searched your deepest feelings and questioned "what is it that you hope to come away with by following her on FB or anywhere else"?

I wanted to think my dBPDxw was miserable and in truth (now being out seven years), I realize her whole life is filled with unhappiness and often times misery.  It was never about "me" and what she tried to tell me was "me".  It was simply her not being able to handle her misery and trying to get rid of it.  I was simply a temporary vehicle; a dumpster to rid herself of her toxic feelings.  Once you quit making it about you (because it was never really about you), you will come to realize she is living a life full of constant ups and downs with no relief in sight.  A smiling face on FB only tries to hide what is deep within, the same smiling face that got us all hooked in the beginning.

Peace to you
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blueman54321
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« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2014, 04:41:08 PM »

She is so good at the lie, I don't know if she even knows how miserable she is sometimes in some paradoxical way.

I have searched my feelings and I think it's because I want to see if it goes bad with this new guy, but I realise that it almost certainly will, but then that might take time, and as she was so possessed with marrying me and having babies from day 1, she will likely take this to this guy, or whoever ends up with her.

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you guys, It's probably because I want them to mess up, so I can  see way to communicate with her, ie. malignant hope. I don't know what that makes me, someone who has trouble letting go, someone who loved and lost and hopes to love again, even with all the ___ she has thrown my way probably makes it inconceivable. But the heart wants what it wants and sometimes it wants what it can't have.

My emotions flay from apathy, to hate, to anger, to regret, to loss and to love still, but they aren't overwhelming now. I can ride out the wave and more and more I can simply step out of it.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to give up.

I have resisted so far, If I fail and look I know it will more than likely hurt me if anything. Sometimes hurt and pain can be the catalyst for truly letting go I think, as I'm feeling very distant to her right now. And with that, due to object constancy, I know to her I am probably less than existing, a 4.5 year black hole.

I guess her need to block me from Facebook at least tells me that she had to, at some point, make a critical decision to cut me out, perhaps to just victimise herself, but I like to think because it makes it easier for her to forget me, because she had trouble doing so, as I actually meant more to her than she realised.

All very poetic but at the end of the day, the damage is done, and she'd have to apologise for a long time to make it up to me. Getting that, would really be a miracle, in fact, it's never gonna happen, not even for a week.

She has sense of guilt, responsibility or in any way able to accept fault.

All moot as she'd rather run anyway.

I let my fingers escape me here and I realise I'm not over this, I'm not done, but I have made leaps and bounds since last month.
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« Reply #28 on: June 01, 2014, 05:06:29 PM »

Most if not all of us on this board understand those feelings but please listen to those who advise you to go NC and look within yourself.  I lived the other option.  It only drove me to near madness and drove me to serious depression.  Please don't make that mistake
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« Reply #29 on: June 01, 2014, 05:26:52 PM »

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you guys, It's probably because I want them to mess up, so I can  see way to communicate with her, ie. malignant hope.

Thank you for your honesty, because I had the same thoughts for many months after she left.  Some-thing inside of me thought "over time she will see that my love was real, that I accepted her, was willing to help her, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her".  

That person within me, was the wounded child that once again, had been rejected, left feeling as though I had little to no self-worth even to a person who was damaged.  That was pretty hard to swallow for me and made me eventually realize that wounded inner-self was causing me as much pain and grief as she did.

As many  times as I read about the disorder, I kept thinking "she is different", or "my situation is a bit different", or "love will be enough and she will see the light".  Those were simply illusions on my part, to the reality of the disorder.

Somewhere on this site it talked about how some people have a really hard time of letting go of something they know is damaging to their very soul.  It seems those that had/have self-esteem issues suffer the longest.  I was one of those sad souls and why I spent two years in counseling when it was over and done.  Looking back now, if she contacted me and told me she had treatment and was much better and realized I loved her and, and, and, the answer would simply be "no thank you.  I am not the same person anymore and have moved on".  That would be the truth too, and the blessing of working on myself.  It is sad it took an abusive relationship for me to see that I had issues, that were robbing me of a happy and healthy life.

Peace to you
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« Reply #30 on: June 01, 2014, 06:01:00 PM »

 

That person within me, was the wounded child that once again, had been rejected, left feeling as though I had little to no self-worth even to a person who was damaged.  That was pretty hard to swallow for me and made me eventually realize that wounded inner-self was causing me as much pain and grief as she did.

This resonates with me deeply, I think I am one of those people, and perhaps the gift they eventually give us is this realisation. And the life long strength that surely comes with dealing with these internal issues.

I am working on it but I do think I will need outside help to help me see clearly.

She knows I'm weak, I just received an email from her asking me how I am and that she wants to communicate.

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?
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« Reply #31 on: June 01, 2014, 06:06:47 PM »

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?

If you remember the movie "The Matrix", Trinity said to Neo "You already know where that road leads.  :)o you really want to go back"?

Count on her contacting you on-and-off over time.  It is part of the deal and simply means she is looking for another "temporary lifeline", and it will be temporary.  You will inevitably be "kicked again".

Peace to you
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« Reply #32 on: June 01, 2014, 06:10:01 PM »

An excerpt:

"How are you? I'm sorry for cutting you off outright, the time has alleviated anxieties of talking to you again. I understand this may have hurt you, but I hope you feel better."

I'm baffled by this.

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« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2014, 06:10:59 PM »

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?

If you remember the movie "The Matrix", Trinity said to Neo "You already know where that road leads.  :)o you really want to go back"?

Count on her contacting you on-and-off over time.  It is part of the deal and simply means she is looking for another "temporary lifeline", and it will be temporary.  You will inevitably be "kicked again".

Peace to you

Yes I guess she has noone to talk to, perhaps she feels out of depth with whoever she's seeing.
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« Reply #34 on: June 01, 2014, 06:12:37 PM »

She understand she hurt me, perhaps because I told her... .
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« Reply #35 on: June 01, 2014, 06:13:36 PM »

I am not replying.
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« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2014, 06:18:03 PM »

I am not replying.

Good for you and I commend you too.  I did receive two emails from my ex early on (after she left) and the results were sadly the same.  It set me back a month and since then I am "off the grid".  It has been seven years of NC and it was tough and I am much happier because of it.

In those moments of weakness, read and post here to remind yourself why it is better staying NC.  The clock starts all over each time we reach out, along with all the pain all over again.  I simply got to the point of "being tired of being tired".  It was a very happy day too, because I then realized I had only myself to blame for any more grief and pain.

Hang in here and congrats on another mini-victory.
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« Reply #37 on: June 02, 2014, 05:43:06 PM »

Blueman,  you're awfully quiet... . did you reply?
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« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2014, 03:27:46 PM »

Yes

Having a weird "work colleague" type back and forth with her.

She hasn't changed, the undertones are still there.

Although she's been remarkably nice on the whole, apart from a few times where I touched on her behaviour.

If she wants to communicate like this that's fine. I actually don't feel particularly emotional towards her anymore, and don't go out of my way to reply. I do understand she's only communicating to either keep me enmeshed, or she is bored, or feeling insecure or something about her. But I am keeping an emotional distance, and not trying at that, either.

Very weird.
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« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2014, 03:28:32 PM »

Apart from that I'm very busy work wise and am talking casually to a girl. Maybe that helps.
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« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2014, 03:34:57 PM »

She is trying to make out her life is great, and she is making new friends, but I know this is on the back of this new guy, who is taking it slow, I wonder what he thinks of her having no friends and sleeping in her little brothers bed, maybe this is a red flag, but who knows what she's fed him.

She may have forgotten who I am, but I certainly haven't forgotten who she is, and I know she is incapable of any real friendship because she doesn't care about anyone else except herself. She is trying to convince me of the charade she is portraying to this new social scene, but I see through her. First the victim, then the survivor etc.

A snippet from one of her emails:

"

I'm more independent now in general, I have friends now which is surprising. I am trying to make an effort in relation to emotions. Currently a little guarded but that is to expected I imagine. I hope with a little time and experience with these situations will help me let go of my controlling ways. Funny thing is, I have no alterior motives in terms of relations, I'm finally seeing them for what they are... . People with character, nice, flawed, kind, with hearts and brains.

"

No idea what the intentions of this was?

I haven't mentioned this behaviour to her, so perhaps she is either trying to convince herself? Or trying to get some psychological advice from me, I used to be her armchair psychologist at times.

Or maybe she's trying to make me believe she's getting better, or trying to hint that I was responsible for her behaviour and dysfunction. But then, why tell me?

Or this bull___ rhetoric she is feeding everyone... .

Who knows.
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« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2014, 03:40:33 PM »

Certainly I think the comment about being guarded towards these new people means she is feeling uncomfortable. And insecure, and maybe lost as whether she likes to believe it or not, she still has BPD.

Not to mention she only spent 1 weekend with them, not a hard task to mask who she is for any borderline tbh.

As evidenced by the fact I can trigger her insanely easy by just mentioning some of her behaviour towards me that she doesn't want to hear, because it means she would have to admit guilt, or feel shame, or whatever, which she incapable of doing.

I am not giving her any advice though, that's not my place anymore.

I think she needs to realise that she needs therapeutic help with a sustained program for a fair bit of time before she will make any progress.

Breaking up with me, running to her mums and idealising 4 people in a row in 2 months is not the answer.

As you can see I'm very cynical, and I think that's right to be.
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« Reply #42 on: June 05, 2014, 04:37:57 PM »

I guess you guys dissaprove...
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« Reply #43 on: June 05, 2014, 05:09:52 PM »

i don't think disapprove is the right term. perhaps concerned is a better term.

at the end of the day the dynamic is still that she has all the power in the r/s between you. she's already moved on with multiple people, and then found someone new as her main SO. when she's communicating with you there's little to no hurt going on on her part, just the benefit of knowing you are there, that you will respond no matter what. perhaps that you are still hurting for all of your deficiencies in her eyes.

personally i think you should think about destroying the bond you have with her with the same resolve as she's destroyed her bond with you. right now it worries me because i feel like you pretty much are absolved to respond to her on her terms, and you are ok with this.
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« Reply #44 on: June 05, 2014, 05:12:38 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.
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« Reply #45 on: June 05, 2014, 05:22:38 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.



i could sense this, hence my concern 

my question is, how do you see your 'freindship' with your ex playing out? if you could look into a crystal ball and see one and two years ahead in the future, how will things end up with this friendship? what will she do and what would you be doing? i'm trying to get a sense for where you are is all.
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« Reply #46 on: June 05, 2014, 05:26:21 PM »

She can't maintain friendships, so I guess it will fizzle out quickly, she may contact me in years to come perhaps.

Or

We get back together again. (not likely).

I had forgotten her, my brain somehow blocked her and I couldn't really remember her face for a while, but it has come back, to the forefront of my mind and I urge to see her again if I'm honest.
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« Reply #47 on: June 05, 2014, 05:27:20 PM »

Not as strong as I thought I was .
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« Reply #48 on: June 05, 2014, 06:03:06 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.



i could sense this, hence my concern 

my question is, how do you see your 'freindship' with your ex playing out? if you could look into a crystal ball and see one and two years ahead in the future, how will things end up with this friendship? what will she do and what would you be doing? i'm trying to get a sense for where you are is all.



That's exactly what I did goldy.  I just saw an endless pattern of toxic pain she had already lost respect for me and now she held all the power. Extremely reluctantly I decided to cut it off. The trust is gone and they wont make an effort to gain it back so what is left?
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« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2014, 06:04:04 PM »

Going to be a difficult weekend.
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« Reply #50 on: June 06, 2014, 06:17:17 PM »

Going to be a difficult weekend.

Keep checking in here, keep reading others' experiences, it will, WILL help you. It's helped me and I was in the pit.

Stay strong.
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« Reply #51 on: June 06, 2014, 06:26:18 PM »

God I've heard she is single again .
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« Reply #52 on: June 06, 2014, 06:30:24 PM »

God I've heard she is single again .

Ok I'm clearly f**ked up again, I had a panic attack when I heard that.
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« Reply #53 on: June 06, 2014, 06:38:06 PM »

Now it all makes sense, the recent contact. F**k I'm such an idiot.
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« Reply #54 on: June 06, 2014, 06:43:09 PM »

Yep I've taken a massive internal step backwards, I can't get her out of mind now, I think I still love her.
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« Reply #55 on: June 06, 2014, 07:18:06 PM »

It's hard to realise that they don't think/feel the way you do.
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« Reply #56 on: June 06, 2014, 08:46:13 PM »

It's hard to realise that they don't think/feel the way you do.

yes it is.  Coming to this realization almost destroyed me.  I wish I found this site much much sooner.

conundrum boiled it all down to one line for me.

"Not relationship material."

they have no concept of what it takes to have a healthy relationship and that will be what causes pain on both sides.  The problem is they put a spell on you to lie to yourself into believing they are relationship material.
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« Reply #57 on: June 06, 2014, 08:48:08 PM »

oops double post
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« Reply #58 on: June 09, 2014, 06:47:18 PM »

Yeah she did it again, starting to learn my lesson now.

We spoke on the phone and she started crying, she then spent 2 hours on the phone, and then we spoke for hours after on facebook, she sent me songs saying I need to listen to them that the lyrics were things like "I still love you". She even agreed to meet.

Turns out today it's all different, what happened was her 5th relationship in 2 months had broken down. And now she's on her 6th, with a date on saturday, different person today, the meet is off.

Why do I bother with her, she's self destructing like she always has, f**k her, I'm done, I can do better and I always knew this.
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« Reply #59 on: June 10, 2014, 04:34:07 AM »

blueman check out this article (it's short) and let me know what you think

www.toko-pa.com/2010/05/19/dreamspeak-owning-your-destroy/
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« Reply #60 on: June 10, 2014, 05:09:15 AM »

Blueman... .

Hate to see you suffering.

Whenever you interact with this person you end up suffering.

I kept banging my head against that wall and just was too enmeshed to see the obvious.

I feel for ya, that kind of pain is excruisiating.

Keep getting support and try to take care of you. I know that you will sort this out.
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« Reply #61 on: June 10, 2014, 07:55:32 AM »

blueman check out this article (it's short) and let me know what you think

www.toko-pa.com/2010/05/19/dreamspeak-owning-your-destroy/

Great
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« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2014, 12:56:55 PM »

I think that article is correct, people do shy away from negative emotions. They are there for a reason, negative emotions don't exist to be ignored. I embrace them (perhaps a little too much) and deal with them, even if they feel like they are going to destroy me, and have very real physical manifestations.

Infared, I know she is hurting me, but every time it gets a little easier to deal with, I knew it was coming this time, I was wary speaking to her, I never told her I loved her, and in fact I don't think I do actually love her anymore, I can't love this person who she is now, or who she always was, simple as that. What I am infactuated with is the good times, the feeling, the intimacy that we shared, not who she actually is beneath the mask.

I wasn't that affected this time when she turned cold, I cried, I nearly lost motivation, but then I got on my exercise bike and rode until it went away and now today I feel very cynical about her, she has strengthened my resolve in a way because she has proven that she is the one who is wrong, she's the person who is messed up and I have been her victim, I try not to play the victim and I am doing well in my life now, I have a great new job, seeing my friends again and looking better by the day with the exercise. I just need to sleep better.

I still obsess about her a little bit, I do want to see her, to get some validation, I want to show up, be strong, and show her what she has lost. She doesn't want to at the moment, I think she is afraid if I'm honest. I think she knows it will upset her, particularly as her situation stinks and has got worse and worse since we broke up, despite the fact she thinks she is happy, she tells me her life sucks all the time and she is stressed and anxious and she's not having a good time, the hypocrisy in what she tells me is obvious, it's like she forgets the 'im happy' front within a minute or two and then talks about how everythings fu**ed up and her life sucks.

Call me evil, but I take some happiness in that.

She knows she lost someone special, she told me that when she was drunk and she weeped.

I will never take her back, she has slept with someone now, yeah, she had the balls to tell me that, and apparently it sucked. A one night stand, healthy. Who is now currently walking away from her. Back to her old tricks before she met me it seems.

I would lose all my self respect if I got back with her. Yet, I still miss her. Or do I?

It's hard letting go, I think I'll always love her a little bit but I don't think I'll ever like her, or love her in that way again.

Bottom line is she's a dysfunctional, impulsive, self-destructive, maniacle, childish hoe, who messes with people she says she cares about. She's selfish, loud mouthed, lazy and rude. I fell in love with that once, I was neieve, I let her in too far, I let her in all the way, because I'm like that, I don't hold back when I truly love someone, and I've only truly loved one person so far, and she was it, and she broke that, she ran away from it, and now she's gone too far to get it back, and she knows it, deep down, she ignores it, but one day she will understand.

I know this because I can read between the lines, I know her, and I know her grass is greener attitude is not working out, she'll never replace me, she'll never find someone that will love her the way I loved her, she knew that once, for a long time she knew that, and one day it will hit her between the eyes like a bullet.

She's made the biggest mistake of her life, and it's creeping in on her.

I made the biggest mistake of my life, the day I gave her my heart. She didn't deserve it.

"

Hate me when I'm gone, I'll make it worth your while when I'm successful

But when I'm here I need your kindness 'cause the climb is always stressful

Clumsily gass myself by thinking I'll be better off alone

I'll leave my peace in pieces all around the decent people back at home

'Cause I'm a big boy and I don't let no one in

If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly

The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling

Wohohohohh

And I FALL, FALL, FALL, when it all comes down

And I won't be crushed by the weight of this town

I fall from the sky but I won't fall forever

I fall but when I rise I'll be STRONGER THAN EVER

I'm not alone I'm just focused in my zone, this is easy.

I'm fine I just need time to turn this into home believe me.

"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoyMvE5g7f8&feature=kp
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« Reply #63 on: June 10, 2014, 06:18:10 PM »

So I have a lot of convoluted feelings at the moment.

We talked and I demanded she tell me we were never going to meet ever again. I told her I needed her to say it.

She refused at first. She avoided it and made an excuse that her parents were listening.

Later she tip toed around it.

Eventually I got her to say it over the phone, but she put no effort into it and didn't seem to care.

I gave her some realisations about herself and her recent behaviour, she tried to justify herself by proving to me things, I pointed out her hypocrisy in many ways and she responded as expected. Denial, refusal, attacking. etc.

One ear out the other.

Regardless, she'll probably think about it anyway.

She wasn't upset that we will never meet again, it was, literally, like talking to a child, she didn't understand why I was asking her, found it ennoying and was like a brick wall, but she said it anyway, in a most apathetic way.

She tried to tell me she cared for me even though she wasn't upset.

I told her I would be upset if I wasn't ever to see my cat again, let alone someone you loved deeply. She was unmoved.

I asked her if I ever meant anything to her. She said I did. I asked her why she didn't seem to mourn. She avoided the question.

It went on, throughout her first relationship 2 months ago I was telling her she was masking her feelings by attaching to another guy (in the context of BPD). She tried to tell me this very same thing that he was her crutch to get over me, an internal excuse to herself that she had somehow forgotten I had drummed into her countless times not long ago.

I cried, repeatedly when we said we are never going to meet again, although it was like talking to an emotional black wall in her respect.

I mentioned her behaviour the other night, how she broke down and cried when she heard my voice and said she missed me, and all the songs, and the facebook browsing she did after etc etc. This apparently, meant nothing, and was just due to her feeling down.

Might I add she has now dropped the date with the 6th guy and is back on with the 5th guy, who walked away, but she played 'games' with him (ironically that I had tought her about) by dropping him on his arse and damaging his ego, and he probably wants sex again and is in the navy and will be going away for some time after next week so is probably lonely and needy. She seems to be going after the same type of guy, not sure what that says about me or her but hey ho, she came into my life, and we struck up a strong relationship before any sex happened, and were in love before that so we were different. I guess she is going after this type because she doesn't want to be rejected.

I brought up the parrallels about her fascination with guys in the armed services and her Dad being emotionally abusive, she called me "sick" and then completely avoided the inference.

In the end, I told her she will never find anyone like me again, and that I wish her the best of luck regardless. And it was semi-friendship terms. I don't plan on talking to her again. It's always on her terms, how she feels, and when she feels like it. And she had the cheek to tell me I always get what I want and that I'm in control.! Later on, she tells me she is in control. She doesn't have a clue.

I also told her she is so far disconnected from her feelings I could drive a bus through the gap. This was when she tried to convince me she was happy, I pointed out that I spent 5 years with her, I know when she is happy or not and anyway, she had told me plenty of times she is not happy, and she has plastered it all over her Facebook wall, and dropped many hints. She then proceeded to send me pictures of her with happy smiles, even one with her new grey haired boyfriend in (I was heavily expecting this so don't worry I was prepared for this attack).

Plenty more was discussed that I can't recall right now.

I need help. I severed something tonight, a cord, I'm not sure where I am right now. I got what I wanted for once, although it was done with severe lack of any emotion, but I accept it, and for once I am released, from her own spoken word. She tells me she doesn't think of me anymore but cares for me, yet she was perusing through my Facebook the other night. This is clear splitting, when the boyfriend is down, I am the emotional crutch. I believe she ran/buried her feelings for me, as a friend, or a person, or whatever and they come out when her guard is down. Her life is, so without a boyfriend to cling to and idealise, she would be down and out.

I am sure when this happens again, she will think of me, perhaps even contact me. But that's not my problem anymore.

I still want something... I just don't know what. Nothing is ever pure or quite right when she speaks it, because she has no emotional depth I believe and frankly doesn't understand obvious things. I even said to her, "You don't understand closure because you've never asked me for closure.".

I feel a bit angry, I suppose because I know how she works and I know she just wasn't emotionally connected to me tonight to give me more than a half arsed attempt and basically saying "Yeah, we will never see each other again, but its it for the best, and heres why, we had good times, I'm sorry for this and that, I cared about you a lot etc etc". She doesn't get it. She didn't even understand why at first I had to explain it to her.

I do know that someday she will regret this, these last few days have proven that to me, and I do know that she will only regret her bad decisions when I pull the plug on her and take myself away from her. That is largely done tonight. We have nothing else to discuss, on my part because I know she is incapable of the understanding and emotional depth required to discuss anything else (I truly understand and believe this now) and it will always lead to verbal and emotional aggresion, attacks and abuse through her defence of this lack of understanding/emotional growth and for her because I'm just an ennoyance when she is idealising someone else.

I don't feel jealous of him, he is boring, plain and is going grey, losing his hair, and I probably wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes in a room with him if I just met him. She told me he is not even her type, but he's nice. I said I was also nice, so that's not really enough. (I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut here, I wanted to blurt out the exact reasons why, largely due to fact she would take anyone right now that fits a very very loose standard. And that she cannot be alone etc.)

I still feel angry that she slept with someone, but this has helped me realise who she is and helped me detach.

Given the chance she would of slept with all 6 I'm sure. She tried to belittle her relationships, saying they were nothing, I tried to explain that they wern't, again, she has no idea.

I do feel jealous of this, somehow even though it's been over a while, knowing someone else has been where what once was mine is hard to take. Even though she said it was poor, she herself wasn't great in the sack if I'm honest, this may seem crude but it all takes its emotional toll. If she gives it up that easily then f**k her, and I seriously think she gave it up with guy number 5 because the other 4 broke down as she can't keep a man down without offering it up due to her long list of problem and probably glaring red flags. She actually bought a chastity ring after we broke up to prevent that, it's on the other hand now heh.

I am sad I'll never see her again, but in saying that, I don't think I'd like what I meet, and to be honest, I think she knows that, I think she doesn't want to see me right now because she knows I would look down on her, what she has become and who she is, she is paramount to a scared, ashamed child in my eyes. What also backs this up is her inability to be the nasty b___ on the phone that she is online, the internet, a great world for borderlines in many respects, all her relationships have been cooked up on there.

I also feel a bit calm in some way, like I know from here there is only one direction to take, this has to sink in, you can tell yourself this as much as you like but you have to believe it.

She told me I didn't understand her, when in reality I understand her more than she will ever know, I could of predicted the answers and the eventual outcome of this whole conversation, I already knew she had split me before I even called, but I really wanted an answer out of her, and I wanted it tonight, no more bulls**t.

I got home and logged straight on here because I just had to get this down before I forgot most of it. Perhaps so I can read it back later.

I don't think I love her anymore. And I know even if I did, that I would never go back there, for many reasons, but even if I loved her more than love itself, I don't think she is ever going to have the adult emotional capacity to make up for what she did and who she became, or have a reasonable explanation for it.

Besides, she is embarking on a journey of terrible ends with this new guy, I don't know why he likes her, infact he didn't he has already walked away once) but she has barely anything going for her right now, I think it speaks volumes really. Men are men and take what they can get for various reasons.

One day, I'm absolutely sure, she will regret losing me. I will make sure of that, but not for her sake, for mine.

I will be the person I should of been, before she stifled my life and my own development, and this is where I was, in the year leading up to the breakup. The difference being, I loved her more than she will ever know then, and that is why I stayed.

Ultimately she tried to be someone else when we broke up, and she has failed hard and I think she is realising she is still the same person, and has given in (she even stopped her medication believeing she did not have BPD but decided to take them again after her anxiety got overwhelming and I suggested it to her), and this saddens her deep down, she will forever refuse to accept she made a mistake and buries everything, into her black hole, all the while I have gained a true insight into who I am and who I want to be, I think this scared her and adds to her anxiety about what she has done. She will only let me see this side to her though, when things are bad, or when she is drunk.

I think one clear difference here is alcohol, alcohol tends to bring out our deep emotions that we guard off from the world, on the weekend I got drunk for the first time since we broke up, I didn't think about her, I didn't call or text her, in fact at one point I was just interesting in girls in the bar, I am not ready to go down that road but soon I will.

Her on the other hand, broke down, obsessed about me and indirectly professed her love for me.

This is the difference between facing your emotions even though they may make you crazy out of sheer love, and not.

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« Reply #64 on: June 10, 2014, 11:41:24 PM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.

blueman This is exactly how I feel! It feels like she sucked my soul out of me and dumped all her toxic confusion into me and laughed at me in smug contempt as I was discarded. Just to use my energy to lure my replacements. As I am left wallowing in confusion and despair an empty shell of the man I once was.  Trying to convince myself that at one point I was that man in my memories.
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« Reply #65 on: June 11, 2014, 04:30:11 AM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.

blueman This is exactly how I feel! It feels like she sucked my soul out of me and dumped all her toxic confusion into me and laughed at me in smug contempt as I was discarded. Just to use my energy to lure my replacements. As I am left wallowing in confusion and despair an empty shell of the man I once was.  Trying to convince myself that at one point I was that man in my memories.

Blimblam... .

I think I resemble that comment. The part that bothers me most is that she has taken on all these attributes that are literally mine and that she has exactly what you mention ... . this SMUG enjoyment that she used them to attract my replacement. She resents me (for what reason I WILL NEVER KNOW)... . yet she emanates me? That really hurts and is totally baffling.

Wait... . no... . ITS INSANE. I have to try and remember that there is mental illness there... . but it is so difficult for me to totally grasp that.

I really cared about someone deeply and have been treated in this unimaginable way. It has caused some serious emotional damage to me which I have been unable to repair. I have gotten a lot better... . but I am not the person that I was. Once I have experienced this horror would I want to embark on another situation where this would/could happen again?   I pursue other things in life that are rewarding... . I do not engage in relationships with women any more.    I could not possibly go thru that again.  I will not. Sad... but true. I am not recommending that... . It is just where I find myself these days. I am not trying to bash the opposite sex... . I am just tryin to explain how I feel after coming out the other side of this car wreck. I feel as though part of my soul was stolen... . and for the life of me... . I cannot get it back.   Thank God I have good friends... . or I would go crazy.
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« Reply #66 on: June 12, 2014, 12:40:08 PM »

I think it is over for me now. The feelings will crop up from time to time but I feel at peace more and more.

I will continue my recovery and it will be slow and gradual, but the futures bright, the futures mine, and I can grab it by the hands and steer it where I want to, without her bringing me down.

I have no doubt I will have set backs, this is an inevitability with these matters, it is not a linear recovery. Change is hard, but change we must. For the better.

I still get upset, but I know that ultimately she didn't make me happy, as much as I loved her. She was my mistake, an innocent mistake but a severe one none the less, and I could of make it a lot quicker, but I chose to stay, that is my fault, and my lesson to learn and one I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Her toxicity is too much to bare, and I don't even want to speak to her, I will never get a straight answer from her, about anything, because she is just as lost about her behaviour, and has always been. She is clueless, making her same mistakes over and over like a stuck record, damaging herself and taking it with her, whereas I have gone to hell and back, as a necessity, despite her control, despite her attacks, I have made it through the other side, and learnt and will move on.

As much as she has damaged me, at least I will not be eternally afflicted by it, unlike her.

When you can't stand to talk to someone because they lie, decieve, cheat, play the victim, enmesh you then spit you out and try to attack you at every opportunity, then it is truly over, and her innate selfishness is the reason she has no friends and cannot have a true relationship, in any respect. It's all about her, and if I try to change that, I am attacked.

Fu*k that. Life's too short and she is far from worth it.

I shouldn't think like this, but I am so certain of it that I know it will happen... . one day she will hit rock bottom, and she will realise the mistake she made, the biggest of mistakes. She may come knocking, but I wont be there, I will be gone and she will feel that pain, she will feel it to the bottom of her heart. Her cycle of life, as tragic as it is, will always follow this pattern, perhaps ironic then, as it serves to punish her for the damage she inflicts on others.

She still needs me, she is push pulling, she still wants to play the game, she has left all communication lines open, despite me telling her who she is and what she is, and that I am gone. Forever. Normally even a little bit of this would be a full black out. But she has left it open, either to hurt me later which wont happen, or for something else. She doesn't realise that I have signed off now, for the last time, she thinks I'm still enmeshed. I'm not afraid of her anymore, because I don't care if she never talks to me again, perhaps she senses this, and is afraid, deep down she is afraid, and sad, and can't be alone.
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« Reply #67 on: June 12, 2014, 05:48:57 PM »

She's losing it. She's paranoid and losing it I think.

She started making some absolutely random bullS**t up. Out of the blue. She messaged me about half an hour ago and accused me of using an old facebook account of hers last night, because it logged her out of her Gmail, which she told me about once, apparently, which I have no bloody recollection of, and had no idea it existed. It's redicilous.

This then turned into an attack, because of her 'evidence'.

I just Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)'d at first in disbelief. But then as she went I decided to put her in her place and let her know how stupid she is being.

I don't give a flying monkeys about her to be honest, she disgusts me in many ways.

I absolutely damned her in this attack and gave her more brutal realisations.

She has not blocked me? What is going on? She is threatening to? But she wont? She is taking my damning truths about her and taking it, she is almost inviting it. I don't get it. I'm not being polite, I'm being blunt and rediculing her about her twisted f**ked up shortfalls.

This is completely weird.

Now I don't give a damn she refuses to cut the cord completely, but threatens to?

Someone please explain this to me? Was this a move? Is she losing it?

Why is she threatening to cut me off, and now I don't care, wont actually do it? Even when I'm damning her character?

She actually had the cheek to message me with this bull and then accuse me of butting into her life?

It's ironic because I'm talking to this other girl a lot now, and haven't thought about the 'ex' today.

Actually was quite amusing. :I
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« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2014, 06:14:28 PM »

Doh I'm being stupid this is an obvious attempt at enmeshment, she wants to play the victim, and if she closes me off she can't do that. But I refuse to play, so what's she going to do?

Strikes me as a very conscious effort though so hard to believe. Still, a lot of hypocrisy in what she's saying and what she's doing and her behaviour?

I am a bit baffled to be honest.
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« Reply #69 on: June 12, 2014, 08:11:51 PM »

The whole victim thing is the best... . she lied to me, cheated on me, reanimate off and abandoned me... . acted out in public every chance she got in a cruel self-centered hurtful way... . THEN she tries to walk up to me in a parking lot when she is alone for "who knows what"... . and I put my head down and move away to protect me... . and she does the BIG sigh, slum shoulders victim thing?

Actually... . it is pathetic and hysterical after all of her hurtful actions... . seems we all experience similar behaviors with Hesse interactions.

Sure can mess one's head up ... . until you totally disengage, stand back and observe the person and their actions... . without being in the middle of it.
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« Reply #70 on: June 13, 2014, 12:57:04 PM »

Yes you take the power away from them at that point, and then what do they have? Empty threats. Empty threats that have no power. So to answer my question, what is she going to do? What can she do? Nothing, because I don't care, then the next question is... . why not block me out of her life like she normally does when she plays the victim and tries to induce sympathy? I think either she flat out doesn't understand, or she still thinks I'm enmeshed and is confused? And perhaps will come back later to try again. Or, she wants to spy on my life through Facebook, but then why not block whatsapp?

She needs me. For what, I can only guess, and when, is another question. I know she has doubts about this relationship she is in. And I know they aren't suited. That's her business but her doubts are well founded and could be the reason why she wants to stay communicable. She broke down and cried on Monday when we first spoke on the phone. Said she missed me a lot, (split to white) emotions returned. I am going through this process of healing and those feelings are dissapearing, with her, they will stay, how long I don't know, perhaps all those feelings she's ever had are locked away in there, churning away, taking her toll.

She still admits I was the only one she ever loved, perhaps this is new for her. I don't care though, she hurt me too badly to ever give a flying f**k about her again.

What makes me laugh is once we were talking about names we hate, and she told me her most hated name was a certain name I won't mention for anonymity, and she would never date a guy called it. Guess what her latest guy is called... . Yep. She also told me he is not her type, and didn't like him at first. I have seen his Facebook profile, no offence to him, but he plain as day, has a very forgettable face and looks plain as day, and his lifestyle seems very boring. But, he is in the armed forces, (daddy issues), seems to be her only real requirement. I would say they don't have anything in common but then, did she ever really have anything to her? When I think back, about the only thing you could say she liked doing was listening to music, spending money she didn't have on her insecurities (hair products) and causing unsolvable arguments.

Talk about taking anything she can get, love addict, and cannot be alone... .

At least I live 2 hours drive from her and the possibility of 'bumping' into her is out of the question.

I will wait a while, then I think I'll block her. Actually I've been thinking of deleting my Facebook account and starting again. It's full of memories with her and I'd rather leave it deactivated, perhaps to view some day when I'm older, and so she cannot a clue what I'm doing or who I'm seeing, as I know she is interested.
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« Reply #71 on: June 13, 2014, 04:10:37 PM »

The whole victim thing is the best... . she lied to me, cheated on me, reanimate off and abandoned me... . acted out in public every chance she got in a cruel self-centered hurtful way... . THEN she tries to walk up to me in a parking lot when she is alone for "who knows what"... . and I put my head down and move away to protect me... . and she does the BIG sigh, slum shoulders victim thing?

Actually... . it is pathetic and hysterical after all of her hurtful actions... . seems we all experience similar behaviors with Hesse interactions.

Sure can mess one's head up ... . until you totally disengage, stand back and observe the person and their actions... . without being in the middle of it.

I got free the day she caused me to involve law enforcement. That's the moment I realised she had morphed either in to a monster, or probably morphed back in to her true self. Neither were attractive.

I just watched an old video of us on holiday in 2009 and I realise that girl ceased to exist back around 2010... . 2011 to 2013 girl was someone else.

Goodbye and good riddance. This site has helped me a lot.
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« Reply #72 on: June 13, 2014, 04:15:19 PM »



This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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