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Author Topic: The Flaw they find in you is love  (Read 7392 times)
Blimblam
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« on: June 02, 2014, 06:44:48 PM »

I was thinking back and I realized something.

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.
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« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2014, 06:46:02 PM »

They don't understand how you could love them because they don't know or love themselves.

And yes, resentment.
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2014, 07:01:01 PM »

That is why they resent you.  

It's not a flaw in you, because it's not about you. I'm sorry if that sounds comes off as sounding insensitive but a regressed borderline is replaying out abandonment trauma from their past. I didn't know what black and white thinking was at the time, it was very confusing being treated like this. It's a primitive defense mechanism when they are devaluing you, or resenting you.

Excerpt
This defense originates directly from the original core wound of abandonment as I explain in my ebook, The Legacy of Abandonment in BPD. When the borderline is stressed, regressed, and/or triggered by attempts to relate as an adult or attempts to remain close or attempts to tolerane the moving in and out between intimacy/closeness and distance he or she will then be re-experiencing his or her past in the non borderline here and now.

Excerpt
In my opinion, nons need to hold borderlines responsible for their behaviour, even when the borderline may well not "get it". What nons will benefit most from doing is refusing to allow the borderline to treat them abusively as the pendulum of their "borderline reality" swings back and forth from one side of the split to the other. Sometimes, the "all-good" side of the split can be as abusive, by the way, as the "all-bad" rage etc is.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2014, 07:44:35 PM »

yes, I understand and thank you.   It is not my flaw it is a resentment for their own "flaw" projected onto me.  I think deep down she knows she can not feel selfless love and can not comprehend it. I think the resentment comes from feeling like me wanting her to do something she is not capable of.  She interprets this as a needines and trying to control her on my part. She resents the fact that I broke her fantasy with my "neediness" for a depth she is not capable of understanding.
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« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2014, 09:02:21 PM »

That is exactly what I went through. Constantly be called needy and I never understood why!  What you said makes total sense! I actually said the words you hate me because I love you and you want to punish me. So you are not alone!
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« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2014, 09:30:18 PM »

yes, I understand and thank you.   It is not my flaw it is a resentment for their own "flaw" projected onto me.  I think deep down she knows she can not feel selfless love and can not comprehend it. I think the resentment comes from feeling like me wanting her to do something she is not capable of.  She interprets this as a needines and trying to control her on my part. She resents the fact that I broke her fantasy with my "neediness" for a depth she is not capable of understanding.

I understand Blimblam how you can feel resentment, its emotional abuse and toxic. You have a right to feel this way. Read as much as you can about BPD. We have a lot of resources here about this complex and confusing disorder.
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« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2014, 09:51:40 PM »

I felt resentment  until it clicked and made sense.

now I just feel sorry for her.

I remembered some drawings I drew and she had drawn.  The eyes in the drawings.  She could never put life into the eyes she drew.  At the end when I was filled with her toxic energy I could draw evil eyes then the next time I tried to draw eyes it was empty and lifeless. 

I looked back at a couple of these drawings and the clouds began to clear.

then I thought about our conflicts and how she would always say "I don't understand"

she would go behind my back and tell people how needy and controlling I was then she created situations that made me actually be paranoid and needing of reaffirmation.

But what happened before all that was a moment where in my needing of reaffirmation of love beyond infatuation I must have gave a confused look or some sign when she didn't understand.  wanting from her something beyond her understanding and comprehension. breaking the fantasy.

My desire for something beyond what she was capable of comprehending was needy and selfish to expect from a 3 year old. I wanted more and it broke the fantasy.

It was the best fantasy I ever had.  But I understand now and I accept.  I don't feel resentment towards her I feel anger at her parents the selfish ___s.
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« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2014, 10:13:13 PM »

One of my friends said something along these lines to me a couple of months back or maybe weeks not sure the exact timing but it was not too long ago. She was in a toxic relationship years ago and had a child with this person at a young age. He verbally bashed her to the ground until finally years later she left. She said to me in regards to my ex and her ex as well that she thinks they are jealous of us deep down. They see something in us kind of a certain light and resent us for it and want to take it or dim it completely. The second thing she said resonated with me even more as I think it is true for most of us judging from the stories I have read. She said they know your real worth and see it in you but at the same time they know that you don't see your real worth either. They do not want you to ever see the real worth in yourself because if you did they fear you would be gone from they're life because they themselves feel lackluster. I know for myself and Im sure many others on here I saw light inside of my ex and I wanted the opposite. I wanted her to see it as well not destroy it or tarnish it. It seemed though that as time went on she has stolen some of my light but wasted it and was unable to retain it. Hate to say it as I know it's controversial on this site but I take a more easternized approach at viewing this so called disorder. I do not view it as an illness like cancer or something of that nature. I view it more of an illness along the lines of alcoholism. The addiction is the behavior itself. I view alot of the physical symptoms that go along with it as a side effect of that addiction. Alcohol addiction is an actual illness too and is treated as one when trying to cure it. Coincidentally alot of the techniques of treating BPD are taken right from the book of curing alcohol addiction.  Even the the way they suggest family stop enabling them is taken from alcohol addiction treatment techniques. Kind of off topic but just popped in my head for some reason.
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« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2014, 10:27:19 PM »

thanks for the reply AG

When I think back I think My ex wanted it to work and yes she is stuck in a pattern but she created a role for me in her triangle and I took the bait. That is the problem. I think she was very upset about this because she can not stop the pattern she is addicted to it. 

I think I triggered the pattern when I put expectations on her of equity and adult concepts of accountability and comprehension and when she didn't understand the look on my face and tone of my voice broke the fantasy. I think from that point foreward we became more entrenched into the roles she created in her pattern and she resented me for taking away her coleading role in our fantasy.  It was my role to uphold all the conditions for the fantasy to occur and that is a lot of responsibility.  I think If I was a multimillion dollar lotto winner me and her could live the ultimate fantasy and never have a problem, she never raged ever.  She had a level of self awareness and was resentfull for me breaking the fantasy, while I was resentful for her acting like a child when I needed help with keeping things afloat.

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« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2014, 10:41:10 PM »

and AG yes I think she did truly recognize something special in me but not being a narcissistic or a psychopath I only got one chance.  Only one chance to break through all the layers. Like in one of those movies where they walk through all the booby-traps and if you make one wrong step its all over and the temple comes crumbling down and you don't get the treasure.

since me she has been with narcissists and I think she is currently with a psychopath... She was a waif though and she wanted me to be her frog prince.  I think she has some weird kid lined up to be her new frog prince. He doesn't seem very intelligent in his deep thoughts so maybe it will work out for them.

Its ok she would never understand of be able to fully appreciate me.  I think way earlier on their were moments when a look on y face when she didn't get me or some reaction to those moments ultimately caused her to doubt. and then she projected and did all those crazy games.
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« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2014, 10:45:32 PM »

thanks for the reply AG

When I think back I think My ex wanted it to work and yes she is stuck in a pattern but she created a role for me in her triangle and I took the bait. That is the problem. I think she was very upset about this because she can not stop the pattern she is addicted to it. 

I think I triggered the pattern when I put expectations on her of equity and adult concepts of accountability and comprehension and when she didn't understand the look on my face and tone of my voice broke the fantasy. I think from that point foreward we became more entrenched into the roles she created in her pattern and she resented me for taking away her coleading role in our fantasy.  It was my role to uphold all the conditions for the fantasy to occur and that is a lot of responsibility.  I think If I was a multimillion dollar lotto winner me and her could live the ultimate fantasy and never have a problem, she never raged ever.  She had a level of self awareness and was resentfull for me breaking the fantasy, while I was resentful for her acting like a child when I needed help with keeping things afloat.

I think your are wrong about the multi million dollar theory. The addiction would still be there. She would burn through your money so fast it would have made your head spin. You probably would have extended your time with her but the gaping hole inside of her still would have been there. It's the same damn reason why Marilyn Monroe killed herself or the same reason why alot of these stars who have excess amount of money still kill themselves. The money cannot solve that inner turmoil unless they take some of it an use it towards real treatment and actually commit to it and work hard towards it. My ex BPD girlfiend had a boyfriend before me who would keep funneling money into her. More jewlery and more gifts and more trips. He was not rich but definitely was better off than I was and still the same exact nonsense. They are addicts in fact I think with more money and more resources the addiction increases and the childlike tantrums and behavior get worse and more sense of entitlement gets built up later on. More money would have made it worse and you would have been super pissed when all your funds were spent up so quickly. There are other stories I have read on here of people who have lost thousands and thousands of dollars trying to pour money into theyre endless pit. They take the money and gifts and become more and more ungrateful as time passes and then acquire a newer addiction for another person with even more money. You would have just encouraged more parasitic behavior on a much larger scale now. Im sorry for you pain man I really am. If you look back on my posts I think Ive excessively said this before many times but I will say it again. I just still cannot believe that people like this exist in the world.
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« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2014, 10:54:38 PM »

They see something in us kind of a certain light and resent us for it and want to take it or dim it completely.

I noticed this many times with my ex. It would be sometimes just subtle words and actions that gave her intent or hopes of this away. Her sick mom wanted my light gone completely also.
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« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2014, 11:01:30 PM »

and AG yes I think she did truly recognize something special in me but not being a narcissistic or a psychopath I only got one chance.  Only one chance to break through all the layers. Like in one of those movies where they walk through all the booby-traps and if you make one wrong step its all over and the temple comes crumbling down and you don't get the treasure.

since me she has been with narcissists and I think she is currently with a psychopath... She was a waif though and she wanted me to be her frog prince.  I think she has some weird kid lined up to be her new frog prince. He doesn't seem very intelligent in his deep thoughts so maybe it will work out for them.

Its ok she would never understand of be able to fully appreciate me.  I think way earlier on their were moments when a look on y face when she didn't get me or some reaction to those moments ultimately caused her to doubt. and then she projected and did all those crazy games.

Your not giving yourself enough credit trust me I truly believe that she saw something in you way greater than you not being a narcissist or psychopath. Take a look on these boards. Take a look at the specific type of personality of people that are on here. Just analyze the sheer quantity of quality in the things people say on here. Take a look at the level of empathy people have on here. The level of empathy we have western medicine would like you to believe is a sickness. I call bull ish I think it is just channeled wrong. Take a look at the characteristics of the people on here judging just by what they have written. Take a look at the light. We aren't perfect thats for damn sure but you better believe that they resent you for what they do not have. Fact of the matter is she was jealous of your light dude. She does not want you to see it for yourself. None of them do. Once they figure out just what kind of heart you have they want to taint it to bring you down a notch. This is my firm belief. I do have sympathy for them I really do or I wouldn't be on this site and would have dropped her ass with the first raging episode I saw. I have more sympathy right now for us though. People who believed in they're abilities and wanted them to believe in it as well. There was nothing wrong with you trying to treat her like an adult. You would be doing her a great disservice if you didn't treat her like an adult. They do need validation but they are simply not children. How does a child ever grow into an adult if you continuously treat them like a child. You did good man. The best you could do.
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« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2014, 11:21:32 PM »

One of my friends said something along these lines to me a couple of months back or maybe weeks not sure the exact timing but it was not too long ago. She was in a toxic relationship years ago and had a child with this person at a young age. He verbally bashed her to the ground until finally years later she left. She said to me in regards to my ex and her ex as well that she thinks they are jealous of us deep down. They see something in us kind of a certain light and resent us for it and want to take it or dim it completely. The second thing she said resonated with me even more as I think it is true for most of us judging from the stories I have read. She said they know your real worth and see it in you but at the same time they know that you don't see your real worth either. They do not want you to ever see the real worth in yourself because if you did they fear you would be gone from they're life because they themselves feel lackluster.

I am keeping this quote... . Thank you AG. This sums up my feelings so perfectly.

My question is... . Do you think that abusive partners always have a conscious desire to dim that light or do you think they can do it without knowing that they've done anything wrong?
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« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2014, 11:30:39 PM »

since me she has been with narcissists and I think she is currently with a psychopath... She was a waif though and she wanted me to be her frog prince.  I think she has some weird kid lined up to be her new frog prince. He doesn't seem very intelligent in his deep thoughts so maybe it will work out for them.

That is like my Waif. She left me for a guy who broadcasts narcissistc traits all over social media (I checked it out back when I was obsessing over it).

It's easy and shallow validation from both sides, with little in the way of comitment in general... it was her pattern before me. I'll give her credit for realizing it and trying something new for a few years. Unfortunately, now our kids are involved in the dysfunction... .
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« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2014, 11:35:11 PM »

Excerpt
Your not giving yourself enough credit trust me I truly believe that she saw something in you way greater than you not being a narcissist or psychopath. Take a look on these boards. Take a look at the specific type of personality of people that are on here. Just analyze the sheer quantity of quality in the things people say on here. Take a look at the level of empathy people have on here. The level of empathy we have western medicine would like you to believe is a sickness. I call bull ish I think it is just channeled wrong. Take a look at the characteristics of the people on here judging just by what they have written. Take a look at the light. We aren't perfect thats for damn sure but you better believe that they resent you for what they do not have. Fact of the matter is she was jealous of your light dude. She does not want you to see it for yourself. None of them do. Once they figure out just what kind of heart you have they want to taint it to bring you down a notch. This is my firm belief. I do have sympathy for them I really do or I wouldn't be on this site and would have dropped her ass with the first raging episode I saw. I have more sympathy right now for us though. People who believed in they're abilities and wanted them to believe in it as well. There was nothing wrong with you trying to treat her like an adult. You would be doing her a great disservice if you didn't treat her like an adult. They do need validation but they are simply not children. How does a child ever grow into an adult if you continuously treat them like a child. You did good man. The best you could do.

thank you AG and I agree with you.  This particular girl was sort of special maybe even amoungst BPD people. But when I wanted to be me she wanted to take my light like you say.  I think she wanted to take my light to create a fantasy but her requirements were I was endlessly patient and understanding and always took charge in creating the fantasy.

but yes upholding the fantasy or not its still taking my energy away from me.  She wanted my role to be creating a fantasy world for her to frolic and feel safe in, which is a type of control and manipulation. I don't think there really is any way to escape her vampire like nature. except for nc.  

I have had 2 1+ year relationships with 2 BPD waifs.  Had flings with 5 other waifs. And My mom is  BPD queen witch.  I am conditioned to be attracted to them I guess.

I didn't know about BPD till the other day but I thought about all of this without the labels for years and years.

the thing about this last one is Like you said addicted to the patterns she is stuck in but will have lucid moments where she pushes me away because she doesn't want to hurt me.  Then when I stay she hurts me worst than ever with no guilt.  I am going NC now.

I think they truly want the fantasy and that it isn't fake until they move on from it and we fight to defend it. so they lie to us to maintain it.  the problem I see is deciding what was real and what was a lie because at a certain point it becomes a lie.  I think that point is when you expect them to love you the way you love them. As soon as you truly love them and they love you I think we create the lie ourselves and they resent us for expecting something they can not do.  I put about 5 years of thought into that.  
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« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2014, 11:48:46 PM »

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.

This comment struck me. When I told my uBPD friend I loved her, things went downhill. She initially insisted I was just infatuated. I had known her for a couple of years by then, so it's not like we'd just met. Later she said that having me in love with her wasn't a nice feeling. How's that for a kick in the b*lls.  :'(  She said she couldn't wait for the fog to lift and for me to see the real her. I thought I had already seen the 'real her'. If not, who had I been friends with for the past two years? I could fully accept that she wasn't in love with me. Unrequited love hurts, but it happens all the time. What shocked me was that she resented me being in love with her. It now makes sense in light of Blimblam's comments.

She just wanted someone she could call up and dump her ___ on with no strings attached.
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« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2014, 12:13:00 AM »


That is like my Waif. She left me for a guy who broadcasts narcissistc traits all over social media (I checked it out back when I was obsessing over it).

It's easy and shallow validation from both sides, with little in the way of comitment in general... it was her pattern before me. I'll give her credit for realizing it and trying something new for a few years. Unfortunately, now our kids are involved in the dysfunction... .

I am so sorry Turkish!  I used to be upset for my waifs but I can not even imagine having children in the mix.  I have done quite a bit of reading throughout the boards but the thing is the waifs act a lot different than how most people describe their pwBPD. At least the waifs I knew.  Each waif was different too.  One would rage trouble. One was a wandering hitchhiker, she wanted me to run away with her, that one was special.  another one was a drug addict and a hooker, that one was major trouble.  One was a major freak and got into porn... . lost my v card to her.  Another left her entire life to come live in the forest with me but I abandoned her she wasn't so special though.  One was a world traveler and we had a fling she wanted me to run away with her but I didn't. the last one was special too and had potential to feel empathy.

the two waifs I say are special were the 5th type from the karpman triangle thing.  The ones who saw what their parents were doing and vowed to be different than them. Yes, they have that emptiness. But their innerconflict was one of trying to be "good people."  On some level these two although seemingly the intelligence of a 10 year olds would have some kinds of prophetic and profound insights on how I should react.  Yes, all a form of control but they seemed to have the insight to guide one to act in a way that would not trigger them and maintain the fantasy.  There main concern was maintaining the fantasy.  They spoke of past partners in an honest and not vilified way even though they were mostly narcissists and psychopaths. They just do not fit into the neat boxes people have for the BPDs I read about on these boards. In fact they were very different from even the other waifs but had a few key things in common with each other. But yes they did want to take my light to create their personal fantasy world.

And Turkish the waifs seem to be extra submissive and it fits very well with the narcissist or psychopath very easy prey for them. and the waif doesn't have to face real complex feelings.
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« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2014, 01:01:57 AM »

One of my friends said something along these lines to me a couple of months back or maybe weeks not sure the exact timing but it was not too long ago. She was in a toxic relationship years ago and had a child with this person at a young age. He verbally bashed her to the ground until finally years later she left. She said to me in regards to my ex and her ex as well that she thinks they are jealous of us deep down. They see something in us kind of a certain light and resent us for it and want to take it or dim it completely. The second thing she said resonated with me even more as I think it is true for most of us judging from the stories I have read. She said they know your real worth and see it in you but at the same time they know that you don't see your real worth either. They do not want you to ever see the real worth in yourself because if you did they fear you would be gone from they're life because they themselves feel lackluster.

I am keeping this quote... . Thank you AG. This sums up my feelings so perfectly.

My question is... . Do you think that abusive partners always have a conscious desire to dim that light or do you think they can do it without knowing that they've done anything wrong?

They do know. I don't think that they react consciously all the time though. Anyone can act on impulse at times you don't have to be sick to be overwhelmed with emotion. I just reacted off impulse las night matter of fact. I do think subconscious does play a factor. Coincidentally that same friend who told me that said that her daughters father admitted it once in a emotional breakdown of tears. He said he was afraid of losing her blah blah blah. He would call her stupid, worthless, and all types of other stuff. Meanwhile she tried to uplift him. She helped him apply to schools and encouraged him to elevate in life. He would also say noone would ever want her. They basically treat you how they feel inside. Beat you down and lower you down to how they feel this way you truly do feel you cannot get anyone better emotionally speaking and possibly effecting your logic as well. I think even if your happy and they are not it makes them pissed off and jealous of you being happy. Ever been doing something fun or even remotely fun without your BPD ex and have them call you raging? I bet the chances are you have. Why is that? Hmmmm I wonder because they feel low so now it is time for you to feel low. Why the excessive jealousy from them? Because they know they feel like garbage inside and are constantly thinking someone else will notice your light as well. How can they make you unnoticeable. Break you down to size thats how. 

Her ex was not BPD.  The tactic is still the same Im sure that if he were taken to a doctor they would diagnose him with something and then he could make an excuse for the behavior and invoke more sympathy.

He still had core trauma though and the addiction as I said was the abuse and bad behavior but he was offered countless amounts of help and support and ultimately abandoned his family in the end. So yes I think in a whole sense they do make a conscious choice but I do feel they act off impulse alot as well. When the storm is calmed though what are they doing with that time? Are they using it to make efforts to get better and not cause the damage they just inflicted or are they using that time unwisely? 

Now if only I could accept my own advice Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I can give it way better then I can follow it for some reason but I'm working on that now.
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« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2014, 01:12:00 AM »

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.

This comment struck me. When I told my uBPD friend I loved her, things went downhill. She initially insisted I was just infatuated. I had known her for a couple of years by then, so it's not like we'd just met. Later she said that having me in love with her wasn't a nice feeling. How's that for a kick in the b*lls.  :'(  She said she couldn't wait for the fog to lift and for me to see the real her. I thought I had already seen the 'real her'. If not, who had I been friends with for the past two years? I could fully accept that she wasn't in love with me. Unrequited love hurts, but it happens all the time. What shocked me was that she resented me being in love with her. It now makes sense in light of Blimblam's comments.

She just wanted someone she could call up and dump her ___ on with no strings attached.

Blimblam you are really onto something here and this has given me some food for thought. Others' responses building on this are equally thought provoking.

Bruised, i don't know if it's fair to say your friend's reaction to you telling her you loved her was part of her BPD. It's common for women to feel this way when a friend tells them, after knowing them for a long period of time, that they are in love with them. This happens to women a lot, especially really attractive women that get a lot of attention. They learn not to trust men's intentions because so many times men act 'nice' to them when in reality they actually just like them. I've heard this from several women friends of mine. A woman I was dating (very attractive and very nice/stable) told me how she had a male friend for several years and one day he revealed that he had was in love with her--she felt betrayed. This guy was supposed to be her plutonic friend, which she loved but now she realized he had other motives.

If i like a woman, i will let her know as soon as it's appropriate. I never tell a woman i'm ok being friends if that wasn't my original intention. Or, I can be friends with them, but i let them know "well, ok i promise not to sweep you off your feet and make you fall into a lustful stupor over me. all bets off!" :-) there is a lovely young woman i have in mind who recently (after a couple dates) wanted to just be friends, and i am completely ok with it. i would even meet up with her if she was with someone else, she's that cool... . besides i have other options romantically.

i really do love the feminine. and talking with lots of intelligent, attractive women (mostly friends, some who i may be seeing) i've learned a lot about what they have to go through, likes/dislikes. i'm sure you have tons of examples of your friend acting like a pwBPD but this situation sounds like a normal reaction for a woman to have. just a thought
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« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2014, 01:29:07 AM »

Bruised, i don't know if it's fair to say your friend's reaction to you telling her you loved her was part of her BPD. It's common for women to feel this way when a friend tells them, after knowing them for a long period of time, that they are in love with them.

Fair comment goldylamont and thanks for bringing it up. I'm aware that many women face this issue, but I had told her well before this that I had feelings for her. To be fair she told me she didn't have feelings for me, but then behaved in ways that convinced me was developing them. She led me on. She admitted this later, which I suppose I should give her credit for.

It definitely is dishonest to pretend to be a woman's friend when you have more carnal intentions. That wasn't how our relationship was.
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« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2014, 01:30:52 AM »

they crave the love the didn't get at a young age.  They never developed to be able to feel love beyond that of a parent figure to a child, them being the child of course. It is up to the parent to provide all the ingredients to sustain the childs existence and make the child feel safe.

that is all they want, that and to have their brains f***d out.  The problem is they are an adult and they feel like a lost child.  So, what they want is for you to construct a fantasy world for them for them to feel safe in and experience all the wonderment of a child.  the fantasy world is to distract them from the confusion and despair that lurks under the surface. the fear and loathing.

we think they want to be rescued and work through their issues. they don't.  We think they want to be loved. not love as equals. when we out of our own wants and desires love them in a way they don't understand or comprehend confuses them and that is what they are wanting to escape.  Our desire for them to recipicate this love they can not comprehend scares them because they fear we will abandon them unless they become something for us that they can not.  Thus we are perceived as controlling and needy, and have shattered the fantasy they have come to rely on us to create for them.  ANd there will be hell to pay!
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« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2014, 01:33:22 AM »

Oh, I forgot- she flirted like crazy with me at a party before I told her I had feelings for her. I felt like I was setup, but now I realise it was the disorder.
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« Reply #23 on: June 03, 2014, 01:33:46 AM »

One of my friends said something along these lines to me a couple of months back or maybe weeks not sure the exact timing but it was not too long ago. She was in a toxic relationship years ago and had a child with this person at a young age. He verbally bashed her to the ground until finally years later she left. She said to me in regards to my ex and her ex as well that she thinks they are jealous of us deep down. They see something in us kind of a certain light and resent us for it and want to take it or dim it completely. The second thing she said resonated with me even more as I think it is true for most of us judging from the stories I have read. She said they know your real worth and see it in you but at the same time they know that you don't see your real worth either. They do not want you to ever see the real worth in yourself because if you did they fear you would be gone from they're life because they themselves feel lackluster. I know for myself and Im sure many others on here I saw light inside of my ex and I wanted the opposite. I wanted her to see it as well not destroy it or tarnish it. It seemed though that as time went on she has stolen some of my light but wasted it and was unable to retain it. Hate to say it as I know it's controversial on this site but I take a more easternized approach at viewing this so called disorder. I do not view it as an illness like cancer or something of that nature. I view it more of an illness along the lines of alcoholism. The addiction is the behavior itself. I view alot of the physical symptoms that go along with it as a side effect of that addiction. Alcohol addiction is an actual illness too and is treated as one when trying to cure it. Coincidentally alot of the techniques of treating BPD are taken right from the book of curing alcohol addiction.  Even the the way they suggest family stop enabling them is taken from alcohol addiction treatment techniques. Kind of off topic but just popped in my head for some reason.

this whole post resonated with me so much AG, thank you for sharing and thank your friend! the things my ex said to and about me, especially after the breakup just made no sense. i remember her saying certain things and after the words left her mouth i had the strong voice in my head saying "this woman is trying to *break* you, what the heck?" i'm fortunate because i never believed much of this sillyness, but boy did it break me down to know that someone i loved was coming at me so foul. her words were meaningless to me but her intentions just hurt me to the core. this is mostly water under the bridge now for me, but very happy you shared your perspective AG as it puts into words how i feel.
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« Reply #24 on: June 03, 2014, 01:37:22 AM »

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.

This comment struck me. When I told my uBPD friend I loved her, things went downhill. She initially insisted I was just infatuated. I had known her for a couple of years by then, so it's not like we'd just met. Later she said that having me in love with her wasn't a nice feeling. How's that for a kick in the b*lls.  :'(  She said she couldn't wait for the fog to lift and for me to see the real her. I thought I had already seen the 'real her'. If not, who had I been friends with for the past two years? I could fully accept that she wasn't in love with me. Unrequited love hurts, but it happens all the time. What shocked me was that she resented me being in love with her. It now makes sense in light of Blimblam's comments.

She just wanted someone she could call up and dump her ___ on with no strings attached.

Blimblam you are really onto something here and this has given me some food for thought. Others' responses building on this are equally thought provoking.

Bruised, i don't know if it's fair to say your friend's reaction to you telling her you loved her was part of her BPD. It's common for women to feel this way when a friend tells them, after knowing them for a long period of time, that they are in love with them. This happens to women a lot, especially really attractive women that get a lot of attention. They learn not to trust men's intentions because so many times men act 'nice' to them when in reality they actually just like them. I've heard this from several women friends of mine. A woman I was dating (very attractive and very nice/stable) told me how she had a male friend for several years and one day he revealed that he had was in love with her--she felt betrayed. This guy was supposed to be her plutonic friend, which she loved but now she realized he had other motives.

If i like a woman, i will let her know as soon as it's appropriate. I never tell a woman i'm ok being friends if that wasn't my original intention. Or, I can be friends with them, but i let them know "well, ok i promise not to sweep you off your feet and make you fall into a lustful stupor over me. all bets off!" :-) there is a lovely young woman i have in mind who recently (after a couple dates) wanted to just be friends, and i am completely ok with it. i would even meet up with her if she was with someone else, she's that cool... . besides i have other options romantically.

i really do love the feminine. and talking with lots of intelligent, attractive women (mostly friends, some who i may be seeing) i've learned a lot about what they have to go through, likes/dislikes. i'm sure you have tons of examples of your friend acting like a pwBPD but this situation sounds like a normal reaction for a woman to have. just a thought

We have similar thoughts on this. I'm a little harsher with it though. If I try to date a woman and it does not work out. They respectfully decline to be romantic and I respectfully decline to be friends in return. I'm not a dueche about it. I just state we just have different wants so I do not think a friendship would work out between us. My logic is I already have enough friends and if I initially tried to date you and it didn't spark up then thats that end of story. Women do reserve the right to decline dating you but you also reserve the right to accept who you want in your life as a friend. My experience is that your just going to set yourself up for internally waiting for some type of chance to come up later and why would you do that to yourself. Animosity can build up when you see other men getting a go around with who you really secretly want for yourself. So for me friend is truly friend and romantic is romantic. No in between and no waiting in the friendship zone hoping for some scraps to be thrown my way.

It's funny I explained this to my boss once when she was going out with a quote on quote guy friend who initially was interested romantically and she fixed herself up and was trying to look sexy. When I asked her why is she trying to look sexy she said oh because other men will be there and I already explained to the guy that theres not chance and he is ok with being friends. I said to her I call bull ish and I guarantee you he will try something tonight. I also called bull ish on her as well and said you like the attention and you are basically dangling meat in front of a starving dog but not giving him any of the meat. She of course denied this and laughed it off. The very next day she came in to work and told me that I was right and the guy kept feeding her drinks and tried to get her to come to his house to watch the game instead of going to the sports bar. I said I told you so to her but also said c'mon cut the crap you know damn well you like that attention. Denied it again of course and I said poor guy you aint ish but in a playful way. She knew damn well what she was doing though she boosted her confidence while crushing this poor guys confidence in the process. Not a cool move in my book at all on her part.
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« Reply #25 on: June 03, 2014, 01:41:46 AM »

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.

This comment struck me. When I told my uBPD friend I loved her, things went downhill. She initially insisted I was just infatuated. I had known her for a couple of years by then, so it's not like we'd just met. Later she said that having me in love with her wasn't a nice feeling. How's that for a kick in the b*lls.  :'(  She said she couldn't wait for the fog to lift and for me to see the real her. I thought I had already seen the 'real her'. If not, who had I been friends with for the past two years? I could fully accept that she wasn't in love with me. Unrequited love hurts, but it happens all the time. What shocked me was that she resented me being in love with her. It now makes sense in light of Blimblam's comments.

She just wanted someone she could call up and dump her ___ on with no strings attached.

they will string along multiple guys and or girls.  WHen they decide it is your turn they want to try to make you love them. But they don't want you to love them which is the paradox.  If you confess your love before they gave you a turn to be their "host" to create the fantasy world for them then you basically disqualify yourself from the game unless they need someone to leach energy from right away.
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« Reply #26 on: June 03, 2014, 01:47:17 AM »

Your not giving yourself enough credit trust me I truly believe that she saw something in you way greater than you not being a narcissist or psychopath. Take a look on these boards. Take a look at the specific type of personality of people that are on here. Just analyze the sheer quantity of quality in the things people say on here. Take a look at the level of empathy people have on here. The level of empathy we have western medicine would like you to believe is a sickness. I call bull ish I think it is just channeled wrong. Take a look at the characteristics of the people on here judging just by what they have written. Take a look at the light. We aren't perfect thats for damn sure but you better believe that they resent you for what they do not have. Fact of the matter is she was jealous of your light dude. She does not want you to see it for yourself. None of them do. Once they figure out just what kind of heart you have they want to taint it to bring you down a notch. This is my firm belief. I do have sympathy for them I really do or I wouldn't be on this site and would have dropped her ass with the first raging episode I saw. I have more sympathy right now for us though. People who believed in they're abilities and wanted them to believe in it as well. There was nothing wrong with you trying to treat her like an adult. You would be doing her a great disservice if you didn't treat her like an adult. They do need validation but they are simply not children. How does a child ever grow into an adult if you continuously treat them like a child. You did good man. The best you could do.

Yes.  This resonates with me big time.  In fact he used to tell me that someone needed to knock me off my chair, (I believe) because he couldn't stand that he couldn't get me to play ugly with him.  I refused to go there with him. I refused to abuse him back, I refused to play games with him. He got huge doses of love and compassion from me throughout.  That's what drew him to me, and those are the qualities he seemed to want to destroy.  Jealously, resentment, maybe.  Interesting.  
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« Reply #27 on: June 03, 2014, 01:58:36 AM »

... . She knew damn well what she was doing though she boosted her confidence while crushing this poor guys confidence in the process. Not a cool move in my book at all on her part.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), preach AG, preach! Smiling (click to insert in post) and i totally agree that people will toy with others emotions just to get an ego boost. doesn't take a PD to do this, but i'd imagine a pwBPD could do this with with more zeal and less remorse than others.

regarding the friend-zone--i'm pretty much where you are on this, i don't keep a woman as a 'friend' if i really want something else from them. but there's certain scenarios where i'm truly detached and i don't mind if she's with other guys. there's some women who i just enjoy their company... . and besides when you are out with an attractive plutonic woman she is like the best wing-(wo)man Smiling (click to insert in post) also should throw out there that i've had a couple of plutonic women friends who i would hang out with and then i may meet someone else... . so my friend would see me in a different light somehow when another woman is showing interest in me. i had a girl friend-zone me but i loved hanging out--one time she asked me if i could hang out the next day. i told her i was busy but maybe later. she asked why so i was just honest and told her i was going out with this girl so i couldn't make it. this seemed to baffle her since we'd been doing a lot of couples things together (riding bikes, swimming, etc) so she implied she was just surprised that i was dating someone else. i told her in a joking matter "oh, well yeah i love dating this woman we have a cool time and lots of great sex. with you it's cool being friends, we can ride bikes and be kids. like brother and sister. i do grown folks stuff with this woman, but with you we do kids stuff and it's fun." a week later my 'friend' had changed her perception of me and how sweet it was  Smiling (click to insert in post)  << this is *not* why i keep a woman friend though, just saying if you are truly detached you wield more power than you may know...
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« Reply #28 on: June 03, 2014, 02:08:14 AM »

They don't want you to love them.  That is why they resent you.  The Flaw they find in you is LOVE!  They just don't want to deal with their internal struggles and want to be distracted.  When you send them love they don't understand it and it fills then with doubt and confusion and they resent you for it.

This comment struck me. When I told my uBPD friend I loved her, things went downhill. She initially insisted I was just infatuated. I had known her for a couple of years by then, so it's not like we'd just met. Later she said that having me in love with her wasn't a nice feeling. How's that for a kick in the b*lls.  :'(  She said she couldn't wait for the fog to lift and for me to see the real her. I thought I had already seen the 'real her'. If not, who had I been friends with for the past two years? I could fully accept that she wasn't in love with me. Unrequited love hurts, but it happens all the time. What shocked me was that she resented me being in love with her. It now makes sense in light of Blimblam's comments.

She just wanted someone she could call up and dump her ___ on with no strings attached.

they will string along multiple guys and or girls.  WHen they decide it is your turn they want to try to make you love them. But they don't want you to love them which is the paradox.  If you confess your love before they gave you a turn to be their "host" to create the fantasy world for them then you basically disqualify yourself from the game unless they need someone to leach energy from right away.

yessir. the dark truth.

i sometimes feel the need to express this to others in the earlier stages of detachment but it's difficult to know when/if someone is ready to accept this. and then of course this doesn't apply in all situations, or only to a varying degree. still you can see the pattern often enough.
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« Reply #29 on: June 03, 2014, 02:08:30 AM »

wow, the waif sounds very different from the types of people you all delt with.  I don't think I would be able to get close to any of those other types of borderlines.  the waifs told me what they wanted from me until I stopped creating their fantasy world. then they resented me forever after that.  they are honest in their desires and wants from you in the beginning.

I thougt long and hard about what was real and what was not real.  I saw them lead other guys on and tell me that's all guys want so I make them think that because I have no friends. At the time it was the truth.  The also had other guys they would want to f*** that were called "like a brother." they always had these guys mentally on the back burner even if they never were in touch with them. If you confessed love to them as one of these back burner guys you basically lose respect in her eyes she doesn't want to deal with love its to complex.

At the same time she just wants to feel loved and needed blah blah. BUt really she just wants a lead role in the movie of your creation.  you at the drivers wheel calling the shots. No, wonder they end up with narccisists and pshychopaths!  

Think of that French movie Amalie.  I think Amalie is a borderline waif.



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