Visiting BPD Mother in a week, the "minefield" is already starting

[Confusedadult]

Ok, so I have been estranged from my BPDm for almost 4 years and recently we have come to a point where we speak on the phone.  I told her from the start that past matters were off limits.  She and her husband (my stepfather) were extremely abusive, neglectful and unpredictable. 

I am visiting my hometown next week.  I told her that I would be happy to meet up with her and everything seemed to be going smoothly.  I told her that my sister who is minimal contact would be joining us (for my safety - though I didn't specify why when I told her). 

Now it has turned into a bargaining deal about whether or not my sister is bringing her children (my brother in law prefers the children not be exposed to her) and she is talking about how there are a lot of things that she would like to talk with me about but she's "afraid of being hurt or pushed away". 

Now, what she always means when she says this is "I want to try and convince you that the past didn't happen and I'm a great mother."

Now, I've forgiven her in my 4 year absence, however, I will NOT be told that these terribly painful memories are a figment of my imagination ever again. 

My anxiety is rising each day that passes, knowing that I will be seeing her.  I don't want to fight, I don't want to talk about the past, I do not want to argue about whether or not I call my stepfather Dad.  I just want to have a drama free day, talking about what is going on NOW. 

She sent me a facebook message today about how she has a lot of things she wants to talk to me about and I'm not sure what to say in response.

I KNOW she does NOT want to hear what I actually have to say.  Why do we need to discuss anything about the past?  It has been 12 years since I lived in her home.  I don't understand the need to do this.  It ruins any progress we make. 

[P.F.Change]

I don't want to fight, I don't want to talk about the past, I do not want to argue about whether or not I call my stepfather Dad.  I just want to have a drama free day, talking about what is going on NOW.

It sounds like your boundary is that you do not want to talk about the past, only make light conversation about the present. How will you take care of that boundary? Can you say something simple like, "I am looking forward to seeing you, too. I just want to remind you that I do not want to talk about the past."

You are an adult now and have control over what you allow in your life. You cannot control your mother--whether she will keep bringing up things you don't want to talk about--but you can control you and how long you stay to listen. Do you have a plan in place for what you will do if she brings up topics you don't want to discuss? What will you say--what will you do? Making a plan can really reduce anxiety.

These workshops can be helpful to review for situations like this:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Wishing you peace,

PF

[AsianSon]

I completely agree with P.F.Change, and the following was written before I saw that reply to you. 



Hi Confusedadult,

I completely understand your stress and anxiety!  My BPDm and father are arriving next week and have so far "left it open" as to how long they will stay with us!  The occasion is my son's high school graduation, and he doesn't really want them to attend.  

I would like to offer whatever help I can to you, so here's what I have for now:  

1) Remember that you are stronger than you think and that your time commitment so far is for one "meet up" only; if the exact amount of time is fixed, then that's all you have to handle; if the amount of time is open, then perhaps you can prepare a reason to end at a certain time if that will help you.

2) It sounds like you are still have some hurt from things in the past or they might be triggers for you (to avoid).  

3) I completely understand your need to preserve progress.  When my BPDm wants to go into the past, I usually do not try to stop it before it starts because that is likely to create an immediate crisis.  But if I let her start, get to a first point where she pauses (such as asking me something), I use my repeated boundary of the past being absolutely unchangeable.  I found that SET seems to work, so something like Support: "I want to help you with the things you want to talk about, and I don't want to push you away."  Empathy:  "And I understand you may feel hurt about some things and don't want to be hurt again."  Truth:  "The fact is that no one can change the past--not you, not me.  I cannot go back in time and change what was done, and neither can you."

This is intended to stop the return to the past.  If you feel up to it, you can prepare to engage in the here and now with her:  "But we can look at what we can do here and now, and into the future."  

And an additional note here is that my BPDm "feels" her emotions about the past as real and "factual" each time she wants to bring them up.  So I have learned not to engage in whether the past is real or correct, but rather focus on the undeniable reality that the past cannot be changed.  Sometimes, this requires my "apology" for the past, which might be the general "if I have done something that hurt you in the past, I am sorry... . " but then I go back to emphasizing that no one can change the past.  I think the apology is certainly optional for different situations and different people.

4) My experience includes acceptance that when my BPDm builds up a head of steam about what she's going to "talk about" she will likely be driving toward a demand for others to change and give in to her.  She also might have to release at least some of that as kind of a "venting."  That is why I don't try to stop it before it starts.  

5) I completely understand your preference for a drama free day, and I hope you succeed.  To prevent drama, your time with her probably will not be about what you have to say (in terms of your feelings and cares).  Instead, it might be your going through motions that manage the interactions to a drama free outcome.  Unfortunately, successfully being drama free probably won't be "free of work" for you.  

I truly hope some of the above might be helpful to you.  Please don't feel that you are alone or powerless.  Each of us is stronger than we know.  

A

[Confusedadult]

Thank you guys sincerely for your responses.  You both gave me some ideas of how to field this "ball".  Now I am an adult, who lives 1000 miles away and I'm a different person than the child she once had full control over.  I know that she can no longer physically hurt me (via only public meetings) or control/manipulate me (my awareness of BPD and myself) and this gives me hope for our relationship.  The dynamic has changed.  I realize her emotional troubles and I'm trying my hardest to be compassionate. 

[Torocat]

It is no use, if your mom is anything like mine. If there is one thing I have learned in my 45 years with her is that she does not care what you do or don't want to talk about. It' all about HER. To her, the discussion will be about how you discounted and invalidated her and that is why you were estranged. If she was sorry she would have said so already.