My mother was always bothered that I didn't do better in school

[Turkish]

How good my grades were in school was the primary thing that mattered to my mother - I don't really think she cared much about what I learned, the important part was that I did well, so she could brag about it to her friends.

I found this rather intriguing. I was raised with that similar "Got to do well academically" attitude. Not for the sake of anything, though. I went on to university because I was unaware that there were other options. And I had no concept till about age 19 that the point of education was linked with getting an occupation!

My mother was always bothered that I didn't do better in school due to my IQ. When I was 11 or 12, I think, she enrolled me in a multi-day program which was supposed to teach kids how to learn better. I thought it was ok, but I don't remember getting much out of it. Kind of like her "get rich quick" schemes (a trait she still exhibits to this day). Don't look at the root cause, just treat the symptoms. I was insufferably bored in school most of the time, and had to deal with home life.

The only F I ever got was in 8th grade spelling. This triggered my mom, "no son of mine is going to get an F!" To her credit, she engaged and worked with me on this, and the next quarter I had an A. 8th grade, however, was the year we were basically homeless. She took me out of school for 4 months because the district attorney of the county threatened to snatch me from school (using Child Protective Services). We were living in a cab-over camper with no electricity, but on the 5 acres in the woods of a friend. The friend, at least, had a generator which provided light for a few hours at night, and to pump water from the well, so at least we had a bathroom, unlike the previous year and a half. Also, this was the beginning of her bad raging at me, partly triggered because I was becoming a man (her FOO issues), asserting myself (I was the problem, and she abandoned me to family counseling to get fixed), and the general living situation we were in which was the result of years of bad choices and her ongoing instability.

When I was little, she always said she'd pay for my college. Later, it became, "you have to play an instrument so you can get a scholarship." Nevermind what musical instrument I wanted to play, I was forced to play the baritone horn, which I didn't like, but not many people played it, thereby increasing my chances of getting a scholarship.

Living in the middle of the woods later and hauling a large, heavy instrument case a mile to and from the buss stop wasn't feasible. I played until my 3rd year of high school, then dropped band on the behest of a few teachers who said I belonged in Honors Government/Economics rather than the bonehead class. Not to be mean, but the differences between the two classes fit that description. My instructor in high school was so good that when I took Marco Econ in college, I was the only A in my class, and only one of two As in the three sessions that semester.

When it came time to graduate high school, I had literally zero options in my mind. I thought about killing myself again, just not caring about my future and hating being stuck at home with my increasingly erratic mother. Her advice was, "you need to go to university!" Ok, how do I do that, and how can I pay for it? Even the public college costs money, and it was over an hour away. How do I live? (I had been working a weekend job for two years, but it was enough to cover my food and some other things, not enough to live on).

No answer.

My teachers and counselor were upset that I wasn't doing anything (generally thought to be one of the top 3-4 "smart" kids in my high school class). One became a lawyer, the other did an ABD (all but dissertation for his Doctorate), another a Masters in engineering physics and has a good position in a globally known, transnational company.

I chose to heed the advice of "fun mom" (as my mom termed her) who was our neighbor, and enrolled in a technical program at a local community college (a CC offers vocational training, 2 -year degrees and transfer credits to a university). It was within my price range, and I still lived hand to mouth for 3 years.

Though my mom was proud of me in a way, she was still ashamed, I felt (and feel!) that I never got that university degree. In what, mom? "I don't know, in anything!" Sound advice.

It was a rocky start for a couple of years, but I managed to leverage myself well and gain electrical engineering and similar knowledge with just a 2 year degree and a technical certificate that basically trained us on electron microscopes. Even during a recession in the US at the time, I was the second person from my small class to land a job in the Silicon Valley. I left the state for a while (a story for another thread), and came back home to California 14 years ago. I have patents, am a published author (I was the lead author on a paper which directed four people more degreed and experienced than I, one of them being a PhD whom I caught plagiarizing). Even before I worked my way up to an engineer title, I was put in charge unofficially as the technical "go-to" person in my previous lab, which triggered a political war from a PhD whose pride it wounded (he actually wasn't good... . no one liked him, nor thought much of his technical competence). I won a technical photography contest two years in a row in two different categories, one that was open to technologists in our field world wide. I bought a home in one of the most expensive regions in the USA. Raised two kids. I'm debt free except for my mortgage. Save my mom's home from both foreclosure and government confiscation due to lack of payment on back taxes. My retirement account is far above average for someone my age. So what does my mom think of all of this?

Less than two years ago, it was, "have you ever thought about going to nursing school?"

*facepalm*

My mom's reaction when I showed her my published article (I wrote 70% of the paper, and the technical data was all my work) was anti-climactic. The article was in a book that was extant for about 4 years until the next update. I never bothered showing her my beautiful images from the photo contests. All of these can be read from the web, too.

I even sensed a little of this lack of validation from my uBPDx, naturally. I always tried to not come off as smart as I was, either, due to me perhaps incorrectly perceiving that I didn't want to alienate.

My point in writing this rather narcissistic screed about myself, and I sincerely hope it doesn't come off like that, is that I realized that I can't look for validation from others. The truth doesn't need validation; it validates itself.

Too bad it took me the better part of four decades to figure it out, and I am still working on it.

[KateCat]

Turkish,

Have you looked into any paths open to converting your associate's degree into a B.S. degree? There seem to be so many flexible options these days. In my book, an academic degree earned is a joy forever, which is why I got it together to finish a doctorate when I was your age.

And now I'm thinking back to my nephew's graduation from law school last year. A whole bunch of the heads inclining to receive the ceremonial "hood" were graying (maybe 1/4 of the class).

You might really enjoy the experience.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

Have you looked into any paths open to converting your associate's degree into a B.S. degree? There seem to be so many flexible options these days. In my book, an academic degree earned is a joy forever, which is why I got it together to finish a doctorate when I was your age.

And now I'm thinking back to my nephew's graduation from law school last year. A whole bunch of the heads inclining to receive the ceremonial "hood" were graying (maybe 1/4 of the class).

You might really enjoy the experience.

I thought about Law a few years ago, but felt it might be too dry. I found out many people get the JD for personal reasons, not to practice. To my career, my units, though in science and applied science, wouldn't apply towards a hard science or engineering degree, though they are transferable. It would be about 7 years to knock out the prerequisites and working full time. My mom recently suggested psychology,  as did my T, but I don't relish taking a 75% pay cut to start over at almost 50 by then. A former engineering director I know got laid off and did exactly that though, but his home was paid off, his daughters finishing college, and his wife is a tenured teacher with a nice pension coming (and tenured teachers in CA make good money).

I'm on my own with a 27 year mortgage and S4 and D2 to raise. When my mom kicks the bucket, I will also have a huge mess to deal with, financially as well as logistically.

I did apply for a transfer to a fairly credible university out of state a few years ago,.which has a fantastic online program. I thought I could  knock out a non hard science degree in about 6 years. But I was supporting my uBPDx working 32 hours/week so she could finish, and then she convinced me to have D2 (thereafter getting "fixed" so she could eventually leave me without risk of getting pregnant ever again). Too much work, especially with me taking up her slack as she slowly detached from us.

Still, your point is taken. It's not too late to do something I want to do. I have more time now, so no excuses! I'm still dealing with the sadness (ok, depression) of being forced to be a half time single father. Once I get my head in a better place, perhaps I should reapply. With an explanation, they might readmit me.

My fear is that I am all I've got. I have nobody to fall back on, and I am responsible for two kids and to an extent my mother as well, though I have been better at not caretaking my mother as much lately. 

I read voraciously, about two books a week. So even now, I guess I have time 

[Ziggiddy]

My point in writing this rather narcissistic screed about myself, and I sincerely hope it doesn't come off like that, is that I realized that I can't look for validation from others. The truth doesn't need validation; it validates itself.

Too bad it took me the better part of four decades to figure it out, and I am still working on it.

of the many many things I would say to you Turkish I will pick this one: how it is NOT narcissistic to describe your successes and achievements. It is natural and just. And wonderfully affirming that you can receive the normal appreciation from us here who think it's grand - because you did not start at zero. it is abysmal to me to think of your mother not leaping about with joy at what you have done, what you have made - what you have arrived at in yourself. Your friends should feel this way - your mother a hundredfold more.

Plus it makes me feel more at liberty to discuss my poor-poor-pitiful-me's and my hey-look-I-did-THIS!es"

[KateCat]

  to Ziggidy's comments.

I understand that this is not the year for you to jump into additional commitments. (You've got all those big life transitions to get accustomed to, and then there's the fact that your ex is likely to have some crisis of some type at some time. And you probably can't know just what that will be until it begins.)

However, you cannot escape your intellect and it is going to demand its due one way or another.  

I thought about Law a few years ago, but felt it might be too dry.

ADDED: What about the law of intellectual property? People who practice in that field are usually engineering types. And you probably already have personal feelings about issues of patent protection, plagiarism, etc. etc.

It can be, for sure. But the dry tinder of The Law is always ready to catch fire in the ferment of U.S. society. You just made me think of a guy I know who teaches a yearly summer sports law class at my local community college. (He's a practicing attorney and former varsity basketball player.) I can just hear him rubbing his hands as he gears up to teach the 2014 version, because Donald Sterling handed him the content of a lively class on a platter this spring. The nature of the NBA as a governing body; the power of property rights in the U.S.; privacy issues; legal competence; employment law; plenty of other stuff . . . . So, now imagine that you've just taken the paralegal program's sequence of courses on legal research and you have access to Westlaw or Lexis on-line to do research for your term paper. Not dry!

Next year, why don't you sample a course or two of anything that strikes your fancy? Does California still have a great system of (I don't know the modern terminology) junior colleges or community colleges?

[KateCat]

Oh . . . what about a course in the law of intellectual property? Practitioners of that specialty are generally "engineering types." And you may already have personal feelings about the importance of patent protection, busting plagiarism, etc.

[AsianSon]

Oh . . . what about a course in the law of intellectual property? Practitioners of that specialty are generally "engineering types." And you may already have personal feelings about the importance of patent protection, busting plagiarism, etc.

In terms of options, the patent offers an additional avenue, which is being a patent agent.  That does not require completion of a law degree, but does require having sufficient technical education or training to sit for the "patent bar" exam. 

Not knowing your current work or options, I apologize in advance if any of the following are not right for you:  paralegal or patent secretary (having a technical background can put you in a different category, and patent secretaries can be very well compensated); and legal researcher. 

[Turkish]

to Ziggidy's comments.

I understand that this is not the year for you to jump into additional commitments. (You've got all those big life transitions to get accustomed to, and then there's the fact that your ex is likely to have some crisis of some type at some time. And you probably can't know just what that will be until it begins.)

However, you cannot escape your intellect and it is going to demand its due one way or another.  

I'm training my kids to be my future minions   S4 knew more geography at 2than some college graduates, probably, even if he didn't understand the concept of a country. I drew the line on putting up a poster of the periodic table on the wall as being too nerdly (I did order it, and it's sitting in a tube ready to mount). I did get him into astronomy, and we have a small observatory about 20 miles up the mountain, which we visit about twice a year. So my kids are somewhat of an outlet.

For the past two decades, people have told me I have a book in me, especially now with what happened the past 6 years. I started writing my "where did I come from?" story at the behest of my T. I think, however, composing letters to my kids, to be read in the future at specific ages, is a way to start.

I thought about Law a few years ago, but felt it might be too dry.

ADDED: What about the law of intellectual property? People who practice in that field are usually engineering types. And you probably already have personal feelings about issues of patent protection, plagiarism, etc. etc.

Next year, why don't you sample a course or two of anything that strikes your fancy? Does California still have a great system of (I don't know the modern terminology) junior colleges or community colleges?

I can see how your sports story would be interesting and exciting, that's true. IP is kind of dry, since I do know a little about it. One late night, I got a call from a co-worker who said his old schoolmate, a lawyer, needed technical assistance getting a CAD program running due to an impending IP case. The guy called me and I drove 15 miles to sit in an empty building with him until 1AM getting the thing up. It was an easy $500, and he wrote the check as easily as he was handing me a $20 bill. I realized that there is a lot of money to be made... . but it seems too detached from people for me.

I can actually take UC extension classes, and even "open" university for credit if there is space. My boss told me you can also access online content for entire courses at even some of the Big Schools back East. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe it also has to do with self-esteem issues. My Ex wrote that I was "unmotivated" (yes, try managing a household and two kids with a uBPD, keeping us debt free, because she wasn't good with money, and in good financial shape).

That's another thing... . I was discussing this with my T months ago, like "how did I get so lucky to be adopted by my probably uBPD mom, then deal with my uBPD Ex and now the aftermath of what is going on? Did I get 'picked' because I am strong enough to 'take it'?" I struggle with my "dX" of my mom, but though diagnosed with Depression, even my T thinks "there is something else going on there" from the stories I tell. I'll never, ever, tell my mom I think she has BPD traits. I think it would destroy her.

It's not "woe is me" but I think about it sometimes... . like why?

Everyone goes on about my strength and perseverance (even my uBPDx respects me still in a way... . perversely, I think it helped her justify what she did because she knew I was strong enough to take it and also remain strong for our kids), but to me it's just life. 

Sorry everybody. I don't mean to come in here and make this my PI board... .

[KateCat]

Have you ever read The Glass Castle by, I think, Jeannette Walls? I'm thinkin' it's like, the modern classic memoir of a childhood so strange few could imagine it. I've discussed it with a number of people who've read it, none of whom had experienced anything like it. But I think you kind of have. (Well, not really that bad or neglectful, or that nomadic.) But it's kind of a tale of parents who are hapless way beyond reason, and the suffering of the children. The author has gone on to "thrive" as much as possible, probably.

[Turkish]

Have you ever read The Glass Castle by, I think, Jeannette Walls? I'm thinkin' it's like, the modern classic memoir of a childhood so strange few could imagine it. I've discussed it with a number of people who've read it, none of whom had experienced anything like it. But I think you kind of have. (Well, not really that bad or neglectful, or that nomadic.) But it's kind of a tale of parents who are hapless way beyond reason, and the suffering of the children. The author has gone on to "thrive" as much as possible, probably.

I looked at the reviews and downloaded it. Sounds intriguing. Thanks, KC!

I stated reading Pat Conroy in high school. As he healed somewhat over the years, his books lost some of their punch, IMO.

[HappyChappy]

My mother was always bothered that I didn't do better in school... .

I thought about Law a few years ago, but felt it might be too dry.

Speaking as someone who excelled at school, as did my sister - this just annoyed our BPD because her GC, who is a N, didn't. So Turkish, I expect you would never have please your BPD, either way. I understand BPD do like to show off their kids achievements, but that just meant our BPD forced us to study and turned me and my sister into workaholics. So in our case - the benefit was to my BPD. Isn't it always ?

With reference to Law - you do realise many of the techniques used by a barrister come straight out of the handbook for Narcissism. My wife spent many years in the Police, hating lawyers, for this very reason. I also have a good friend, and kind hearted Uncle, both that left the Law profession for that very reason. I’d better not call nasty people nasty things, or a barrister might jump all over the injustice of the use of an expletive... . blimy !

[Turkish]

My mother was always bothered that I didn't do better in school... .

I thought about Law a few years ago, but felt it might be too dry.

Speaking as someone who excelled at school, as did my sister - this just annoyed our BPD because her GC, who is a N, didn't. So Turkish, I expect you would never have please your BPD, either way. I understand BPD do like to show off their kids achievements, but that just meant our BPD forced us to study and turned me and my sister into workaholics. So in our case - the benefit was to my BPD. Isn't it always ?

My mom tried to force me to study, but I just didn't care, and Abraham Lincoln in that log cabin notwithstanding, it was a little hard to study by kerosene lantern just sitting in a chair with no table. It got a little better later, at least we had a couch and generator for lights at night, but again, I didn't really care. I didn't see a future. I had to make that later on my own. These days, she loves bragging to people in her small community about her grandkids and the like. I'm not sure at this point how much of that is functional, or just normal. She's gone very Waifish in the past two decades. Makes little asides how "the kids don't know me!" "Look, D2 doesn't know me, or like me!" Uh, she's two, and she only sees you every few months. That's normal. I've come to accept her "rescue me!" attitude. Since my separation, I've been trying to have her spend more time with the kids, since she and my uBPDx were kind of alienated against each other due to their own personalities. So, if my mom wants to go around taking pride in me, though it was 99% me who got me to where I am (and no, I won't belittle the fact of her adopting me... . who knows where I would be now if I were adopted by someone else?), then that's fine. I'm 2.5 hours away.

With reference to Law - you do realise many of the techniques used by a barrister come straight out of the handbook for Narcissism. My wife spent many years in the Police, hating lawyers, for this very reason. I also have a good friend, and kind hearted Uncle, both that left the Law profession for that very reason. I’d better not call nasty people nasty things, or a barrister might jump all over the injustice of the use of an expletive... . blimy !

Though there are many other ways one can apply a L degree, I get this. Arrogant people and Narcissists rub me the wrong way, to say the least.