bPD and need for control

[Youcantfoolme]

Hi Im New here and just want to know if control is something BPD's thrive on? For instance my brothers BPD wife made him get rid of basically everything he owned when he moved into her house. All he took with him was his clothing and personal items and a dresser. Everything else he owned was sold or discarded. She's also the one who convinced him to break apartment lease early. Shortly after she made him sell his car. She told him there was something wrong with it (it was a fairly new car) and she purchased a Mercedes for him to drive. If he really ever had the money, that wouldn't be the car he would want. She also made him cancel his phone plan and go under his because it was "cheaper". More like so she can keep track of all his calls. He told my mom too, that she looks at all his text messages and emails. She also admitted the other day that she uses his facebook account too (even though she has her own). My brother used to be big into social networking but ever since she came around he has no digital imprint! He posted on Instagram, facebook and twitter daily but not at all anymore. She also controls who he is and isn't allowed to speak with. I'm one of those people he is not allowed to speak with! It's just crazy. Why do they need to have that much control? Is it to trap them and make sure that they could never get away or is it about power?

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[mace17]

From what I have seen and learned, BPD's actually have very low self esteem and the only way they can feel good about themselves is by controlling and trying to feel superior to their partner.  So yes, this is a typical trait.

[Spacedog]

They don't need to have that much control... . but they believe that they need it. It's the only thing keeping them from sinking into the void... . at least in THEIR mind. Their internal world is one of uncontrolled chaos, so they try to gain control over others to compensate for their own lack of control. It must be terrible and frightening for them.

[maxsterling]

Yep, common BPD.  My dBPDgf is the same way.  So is my brother's BPD wife. 

The way I understand it is this:  pwBPD emotionally constantly feels like something is disordered or amiss.  This is an internal emotion, yet they look to the outside to solve it.  To some extent, we all do this when we blame traffic for the reason we are late, or our boss for the reason we hate our job.  I think for a pwBPD, looking inward is just too painful, so they instead try to control the things they claim are "triggering" them. 

What's really mind blowing, though, is that not only do they control, but they don't see it as control, and instead THINK THAT YOU ARE CONTROLLING THEM!  That usually comes about when we say no or try to enforce a boundary.  For example, my GF thinks I am controlling her because I am not out shopping for a new house.  To her, that means that I am forcing her to live in a smaller house that she didn't help pick out in a neighborhood or city that she may not like.  The reality?  I work, she doesn't.  I bought the house long before I met her.  I can't afford a new house.  SHE CHOSE TO LIVE WITH AND MOVE IN WITH ME.  I'm not preventing her from breaking up with me and moving to another city.  I'm not preventing her from getting a job and buying a house of her own.  In no way am I controlling her.  But her pressuring me to buy this or that, new house, new car, new clothes - how is that not an attempt to control me?

[lizzie458]

Absolutely.  My dBPDh is trying to control the most random things right now that don't have anything to do with him simply because he just wants to feel like he's in control of SOMETHING. 

What's really mind blowing, though, is that not only do they control, but they don't see it as control, and instead THINK THAT YOU ARE CONTROLLING THEM!  That usually comes about when we say no or try to enforce a boundary.

How very, very true.  BPDh's feels so lost in his own life that he feels controlled by everything, especially me.  I can ask him what restaurant he wants to go to, he will say Italian, and then weeks later he blows up because he's been silently resenting how I forced him to eat Italian.  Huh?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

What's really mind blowing, though, is that not only do they control, but they don't see it as control, and instead THINK THAT YOU ARE CONTROLLING THEM! 

This always stumped me before learning about BPD.  I lost track of the number of times I told my uBPDw that I'm not being controlling when I do something, but I don't do it her way... .

[Ceruleanblue]

This is my uBPDh to a "T". I have very little control of anything, I don't even feel the need to control things, just set a few personal boundaries, yet he feels "controlled" by ME? It's hilarious because he really controls everything, and he barks orders at me sometimes, yet he refuses to see any of his actions as controlling. I want to spend some times with him, he calls that "controlling", so I've learned to live my life basically alone. When HE wants me, he expects me to run, and do what HE wants, when he wants, no regard to MY needs, at any time.

It is all part of the disorder, but it is hard to take. You almost have to be a complete martyr to their wants/needs/rages, and even then, they are not happy.  I'm trying to do Radical Acceptance, but it's hard.

[maxsterling]

How very, very true.  BPDh's feels so lost in his own life that he feels controlled by everything, especially me.  I can ask him what restaurant he wants to go to, he will say Italian, and then weeks later he blows up because he's been silently resenting how I forced him to eat Italian.  Huh?

HAHA!  GF has made up her mind to eat healthier - to the extreme.  I can respect that goal.  But she is insistent on it not being a burden on me.  Monday, she had another real bad day.  I came home, she declares she is hungry, and wants to go out.  Okay, I ask what she had in mind.  She says she doesn't know, and then asks what I want.  I honestly answer that I am not that hungry, don't care, and that she should choose based upon her diet.  She said she felt like eating red meat because she wanted to punish herself with food, and because she was having her period.  She suggested a deli up the road.  Okay, so we started driving there.  Along the way, she made comments like, "is this really what you want to eat?"  The reality?  I didn't care.  I told her that.  And to that she replied, "sometimes I wish you would just make up your mind... . (!)"  So I did, and I drove to the deli she had mentioned.  After we got our food, she declared it to be not what she wanted, so I ate half of hers.  On the drive home she complained about feeling "disgusting" because of what she ate.  She didn't specifically blame it on me or claim I was controlling, but that is how her comments made me feel - that I had forced her to eat food she didn't want.

[MissyM]

Oh, I here that on my dBPDh not making a decision and then resenting me for making the decision!  There are a couple of areas that he is controlling, mainly around money.  Mostly, he is avoidant about issues.  He definitely plays the victim/child and expects me to be the rescuer/mom, then resenting me for those roles.  We are getting better on this and his IC is working on him behaving like a grown up, letting go of resentments and being mindful.

[lizzie458]

He definitely plays the victim/child and expects me to be the rescuer/mom, then resenting me for those roles.  We are getting better on this and his IC is working on him behaving like a grown up, letting go of resentments and being mindful.

Good lord, I wish dBPDh was working on that aspect of things.  He has railed against the parent/child dynamic as far back as I can remember, and yet he is the one perpetuating it!  Of course I get sucked into it.  But geez.