Do I get involved?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have had no contact with my wife since moving out at the end of April other than some financial questions she asks through my youngest son (he's 19). It was not a very clean break and the way I left was not the way I would have liked it, I had to get the police to take her out of the house so I could get my things and leave. I would rather have been able to talk about the finances and had made it clear to her what I would be giving her financially and what I wanted.

Anyway my son has been spending alot of time at my apartment with me, he brings his buddies over to hang out quite a bit and his girlfriend come over with him alot too, he seems very comfortable and at ease at my place.

He's pretty quiet and doesn't talk about his mom much and I never bring up the breakup or his mom. He does tell me once in a while about her making him feel guilty for spending alot of time with me. I talked to his girlfriend a couple times to see how he's doing and she tells me the same thing, my wife just mopes around with a "poor me, my husband left me" attitude. She makes him feel guilty and I see her transferring the way she was with me to him.

Last might he came over and told me she was telling him she was going to get a job transfer to another city and he feels she is just doing this to make him feel guilty for not being there as much as she would like.

I talked to her brother after and asked him to talk to her about making my son feel guilty and of course she is telling everyone that my son only goes home to hang out with his buddies and girlfriend and won't spend any time with her, I'm sure this is true to a degree but I can't help to think that if she wasn't such a depressing person and didn't try to pile the guilt on him they might be able to spend some time just the 2 of them. She thinks I am pressuring him to stay with me but thats not the case, I have never actually asked him to stay the night with me. I have just tried to make it a peaceful, stress free environment where when he comes over we just hang out and there is no drama.

Any way I was going to talk to him and tell him he should try to spend some alone time with her, just the 2 of them and it might help both of them.

Her brother also suggested I see her in person to discuss the finances (which I tried to do before leaving) and my point of view on the whole thing (also I made it clear before I left but with all the drama I guess it got kinda lost).

Suggestions/experiences would be appreciated.

[grover11]

I have had no contact with my wife since moving out at the end of April other than some financial questions she asks through my youngest son (he's 19). It was not a very clean break and the way I left was not the way I would have liked it, I had to get the police to take her out of the house so I could get my things and leave. I would rather have been able to talk about the finances and had made it clear to her what I would be giving her financially and what I wanted.

Anyway my son has been spending alot of time at my apartment with me, he brings his buddies over to hang out quite a bit and his girlfriend come over with him alot too, he seems very comfortable and at ease at my place.

He's pretty quiet and doesn't talk about his mom much and I never bring up the breakup or his mom. He does tell me once in a while about her making him feel guilty for spending alot of time with me. I talked to his girlfriend a couple times to see how he's doing and she tells me the same thing, my wife just mopes around with a "poor me, my husband left me" attitude. She makes him feel guilty and I see her transferring the way she was with me to him.

Last might he came over and told me she was telling him she was going to get a job transfer to another city and he feels she is just doing this to make him feel guilty for not being there as much as she would like.

I talked to her brother after and asked him to talk to her about making my son feel guilty and of course she is telling everyone that my son only goes home to hang out with his buddies and girlfriend and won't spend any time with her, I'm sure this is true to a degree but I can't help to think that if she wasn't such a depressing person and didn't try to pile the guilt on him they might be able to spend some time just the 2 of them. She thinks I am pressuring him to stay with me but thats not the case, I have never actually asked him to stay the night with me. I have just tried to make it a peaceful, stress free environment where when he comes over we just hang out and there is no drama.

Any way I was going to talk to him and tell him he should try to spend some alone time with her, just the 2 of them and it might help both of them.

Her brother also suggested I see her in person to discuss the finances (which I tried to do before leaving) and my point of view on the whole thing (also I made it clear before I left but with all the drama I guess it got kinda lost).

Suggestions/experiences would be appreciated.

[Turkish]

Hello grover11,

This actually might get good feedback on the co-parenting board. Even though you're son's grown, the FOG she's emitting is swirling around your son and you to an extent. That's natural, if unhealthy. It was a long marriage and you're not too far out of it.

First, if you feel you need to meet her face to face, do it in a public place, preferably with witnesses you can trust. If you had to have the cops come to protect you when you moved out, she is untrustworthy. Never meet her alone.

Second, your children are not responsible for their mother's feelings. They are men now, but had to put up with the FOG she was surrounding them with as you engaged in the process of leaving. I know it's hard, and you want to fix things, but you seem to be still in rescuer mode for your wife. Her problems are her problems. Your son's feelings should be validated, but it isn't his job to soothe his mother. You're out now, so it's not your job anymore either. If he asks you questions, then that is a good opportunity to validate, and maybe pass on some lessons about boundaries.

It sounds like S19 is doing better with you. How is S21?

[grover11]

My 19 year old is doing great from what I can see, he has adjusted well and I think he's more comfortable when at my place away from the drama. My 21 year old son still has not spoken to me but hasn't been around her much either as far as I know, he is rarely home and spends most time at his girlfriends. This was the case before the breakup so he seems to be getting on with his own life. I did text him last weekend to let him know I love him and that he knows how to get ahold of me if he decides to do so, the door is open for him.