Is your partner worn out with this BPD stuff ?

[HappyChappy]

As BPD parents  like to isolate us, and encourage us not to have a wide network, I'm guessing many of us therefore rely heavily on our spouses  , to listen to all the BPD rubbish that goes on. Or to deal with our PTSD or other symptoms etc... .

If this applies to you, how does your partner manage ? I only realised I was raised by a BPD 6 months ago. Since then I've been obsessively reading up and learning about it. I must have board my wife senseless over this - although she's not actually complained.

My wife of 15 years is very supportive, but is clearly showing signs of stress now. She' basically switched off - so has become distant. Not too much a worry, because that's how she is - she doesn't show emotion, much. Kind of the opposite of a BPD - so perfect for me. And of course I hear on the grapevine, my BPD mom has been asking everyone have they split up ? Has she left him ? I guess this is because, she believes the NC, is due to my wife.

Which doesn't help. So although we've never really argued or fallen out in 15 years, it does start to make you think - can't be much fun for them. Anyone else had concerns of this nature?

We’ve only just move to a new area, and both really short on free time, so we know we need to get out more, as they say.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, HappyChappy,

You raise some good questions. There can be a lot to process when we first find out about BPD--one  moment leads to another and another, and there is so much information to take in. It's understandable that you would be wanting to talk with someone about it all, and a spouse is a natural first choice.

Many of us who were raised by a parent with BPD are hyperaware when it comes to other people's emotional states. Predicting a parent's mood was a valuable survival skill when we were children. It sounds like you may be reading your wife's mood in a similar way, guessing what her thoughts and feelings are. Have you talked with your wife about what she is feeling, or asked her if she needs a break from the subject matter? Do you two normally talk about what you are thinking and feeling?

One other thing to keep in mind is that a spouse can be a good friend but isn't supposed to replace a good therapist. It's ok for there to be boundaries there, even in a marriage. My DH and I were kind of isolated for the first half of our marriage, too, in that we moved around a lot and didn't have many close friends nearby besides each other. So I relied pretty heavily on him for emotional support, more than was healthy, really. There was an imbalance there. I think it is really important to have other people outside the marriage that you can talk to--friends, counselors, etc.

To get to your real question, yes, I think I wore my DH out from hearing about my parents for a while, too. He is supportive but typically responds very minimally/neutrally if I bring up the subject, which isn't often anyway. I think part of that is to do with advice we got from my first T, who was encouraging him to stop being my emotional caretaker so I could learn to soothe myself--at the time it was very good advice. At any rate, it was after that when he stopped volunteering opinions or feelings of his own when it came to my parents. In the old days, if I was crying and feeling worthless, it was usually after interacting with my mother. He has said that his reluctance now to react when I bring them up is because of what that T had told him years ago. He is much more responsive when I bring up my sister (who has her own problems). But like I said, the subject doesn't come up much anymore since we don't really interact with my folks much. This board has been a great place for me to work through my stuff--people here do "get it."

How do you feel about your wife needing space? Do you have other people you can talk to? Have you thought about looking for a therapist?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HappyChappy]

Thanks P.F.Change very helpfull. You're right, I do keep reading things into my wife's emotions. My wife and I talk about everything and are very close. But ironically, her farther was very Narcisstic, not pathalogical, but enought to shape her family.

Irronically, my wife (and father) are both very emotionaly stunted - so hard to read. That's not a bad thing - in fact I realise, I have always been drawn to that type. I use to think it was emotional stability - but I realise now, it's stunted. Ironically my wife admited the other day, she's often been acused of this, but this is the first time I've noticed in 15 years !  My BPD mother was an emotional scatter gun, so I always looked for what I thought was emotional stability. I also realise, many of my closest relationships have been with people who suffered from childhood neglect of some sort.

So in short, I guess, we need to get out more ! Kind of what we knew - but need to hear it from someone else.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Happy, when you described your mother as an "emotional scatter gun," was that hitting the nail right on the head! Mine too... . yes, pellets in every direction, trajectories turning our young and not-so young lives into horrible string art.

As a female, between young men I dated and then when I married - I sought the opposite apparently. Time proved out that I was drawn to doing alot of rescuing, and then beating my breast about how I wasn't rescued in return. When you attempt a partnership with detached, "stunted" withdrawn people, you won't get much "give and take." My father was so within himself with his interests, biases, emotions - I noticed always that he had to be sort of starstruck - his children could be brutally attacked in every way right in front of him, but he'd only grow misty-eyed about some remote WWII general or pilot that had succumbed. Misplaced allegiance and affection.

My friendships, for the most part, over the years, with women proved the same. I would find someone I thought was so interesting, and it either turned out to be a drama witch/queen like my mother, or someone completely in a bubble like my father. I'd think to myself, Why is she doing this?

It took so long for me to understand that some part of me was still trying to rescue/fix my long-ago role. I was cast in that role by dysfunction between my parents, both of them using me as some sort of pathetic little sounding board - she with her rages and blaming, him with his self-pitying stuff.

After I divorced, as that was finalized... . I DID IT AGAIN.

Two different men, both of whom you could say I should've been able to trust as I'd known them for so long. Sometimes that only makes it harder to see what's coming or what's what.

The idea of "dating" was appalling to me.

Well... . strangers would've probably left me in better shape than either of these men did. But with my own stuff being what it is and was... . you know that I would've just found another one or perhaps several just like them.

I wouldn't know a mentally healthy male if he was stamped and sealed and delivered to my door.     I'd say, "I'm sorry there's been some mistake... "

Here's to you and your wife riding out this storm and yes finding time away to take stock and remember why you matter to each other. I wish you well. It's not impossible to make it work.  cheers. 

[P.F.Change]

Irronically, my wife (and father) are both very emotionaly stunted - so hard to read. That's not a bad thing - in fact I realise, I have always been drawn to that type. I use to think it was emotional stability - but I realise now, it's stunted.

That sounds like a big realization, HappyChappy. Does it change anything for you?

[Panda39]

I am the SO of a man with a uBPDex and it is definately no picnic    But I wouldn't trade my honey for anything.

When I met him he was separated from his ex and I went through his divorce with him.  At first I was really confused about the things the ex was doing nothing made sense. She lied constantly and still does, I'm not sure if she even knows what the truth is... . She'd say she was buying a house next week in some fancy shmancy subdivision and in reality she's being evicted.  She would try to pull my honey back in by using their children... . She'd request meetings with him to "discuss" the children. (need I say that it was never about the children)

As I became more knowledgable about my SO's situation I started to become angry... . She began a parental alienation campaign and a spy mission for the kids every time they visited dad.  She had him dragged into court for child abuse because he got angry talking to her on the phone and threw his phone into the couch (she did not even bother to show up at the hearng)... . it was found that there was no child abuse.

I didn't know about BPD yet I just didn't like what she was doing and using her kids to do.  I had a lot of anger towards them too (I know now it was the uBPDex pulling the strings)

Meanwhile during all of this my honey is stressed, misses his kids, is sad and angry too when it came to his family things were really rough.

We however were and are very happy together.  But I will admit to being soo fed up with his uBPDex and his kids that I have thought about leaving.  I couldn't do it though, I did not want to throw out the baby with the bath water so to speak. (he's such a cute baby and I love him so much!)

I have had melt downs because of all of this being so overwhelming sometimes.  But he understands and we try to adjust how we approach things... . Honesty in our relationship has been hugely important and without that I would have probably stuffed all of my feelengs and left long ago.

So yes being with someone with a BPD in their life is not always easy but I don't feel damaged by it (sometimes I'm tired of it) but my honey is worth the occasional drama by his ex.

[HappyChappy]

That sounds like a big realization, HappyChappy. Does it change anything for you?

Spot on P.F.Change. It has also been like renewing my vows with my wife. She is everything to me, but I guess I'm more gregarious and need to get out more. It's that simple. You point about being hyperaware - well observed. I keep forgetting. Mind you, when someone has a poker face and a practical approach, it's harder to read anything into that - Wonderful.

lucyhoneychurch Funny how we go for people like our parents. As my BPD mom was soo scary (Queen Witch extra plus) I would need to be sadistic to go for someone like her. So lucyhoneychurch, now that you have such a deap insight into why you went for who you did, arn't you in the perfect position to chose the right one now ? You could test them out by leaving strategically placed mirrors around. See if they get nervous near a church - a honey church.

Panda39 I think it's wonderfull you're happy with your BPD - I'm guessing he must be very different to mine. Hopefully he's not as far up the scale.

[lostincolo]

My mother is uBPD and my poor husband has been through the ringer with all of this.  Typically when she rages she focuses the blame on him instead of me.  She doesn't want to believe I am capable of setting boundaries or initiating NC so she assumes he is the engineer behind it.  I still struggle with feelings of guilt when she rages and a desire to make amends whilst he has over the years built up wall after wall with her for good reason.  It's extremely difficult for me to empathize with both sides sometimes. Sometimes I understand his feelings and they are justified.  Other times I feel like he holds a grudge.  Sometimes I feel my mother has made her bed and sometimes feel an obligation to overcome and help her through it.  It's a difficult space to live in.  Luckily my dh is very supportive of me.  He is so understanding and empathetic towards my position.  He counsels me objectively often and I think it really boils down to him trying to protect me.  He puts up the walls and the boundaries in an effort to protect me from the guilt and stress that I suffer as a result of her actions.  I'm lucky to have him on my team for sure.

[littlebirdcline]

My husband is a police hostage negotiator and an instructor for our city's Crisis Intervention Training, where he teaches other officers how to deal with citizens they encounter with mental issues. He also works off duty at the psych ward of a local hospital.  You can imagine how he looks at my mother.  He has seen her for what she is from the beginning, and has always thought I should cut off communication since we were dating.  But I am lucky that he doesn't try to force that on me.  If I decide tomorrow I want to engage her again, he will support me.  He will express his opinion honestly, but he will ultimately support me.  I often feel guilty for bothering him with this all the time, which he tells me onto to do.  But if it gets too much, or if he just can't handle it right then, he will just tell me.  His job is very stressful, and he deals with feuding families all the time, so when he got up three weeks ago to hear my mother and I screaming at each other, he went into "cop" mode.  He was not happy he had to do that in his own home.  We do not yell and scream in our house, and his parents never did that, so it really bothered him.  He did ask me not to ever make him have to do that again, to deal with a shouting match like he was at work.  But I think, as someone said, we are often overly sensitive about "bothering" our partners.  Just make sure they understand they have the right to respectfully request a break from it when they need it.  If they love you, that will be enough.

[Botswana Agate]

I think my husband was really confused at how involved BPDm was in our lives, but didn't really question it.  And when she would rage or get upset at something regarding me, he would just chalk it up to something between just her and me.  But since her stunts of the last few years and my ensuing CO, he's seen the crazy for what it is and is just as over it as I am.  He's been really good about listening to me talk things through when I need to, because lots of triggers will still come up--probably will for quite some time, I'm guessing.

[HappyChappy]

My husband is a police hostage negotiator .

Core blimy! My wife and most her side of the family are in the Police Littlebirdcline. I love the fact she looks at the evidence, rather than be swayed by emotional BPD nonsense. I also love the fact she's very honest and by the book - kind of how you hope the Police should be. So are the Police ACORN magnets? Discuss.

[isshebpd]

When my wife has had enough of my uBPDmom, she'll use her own mental health issues to rush us out of there. While we are in their house, she'll pretend to be in a distressed state. Once we're in the car, she'll say "Let's hit the road".

[claudiaduffy]

it does start to make you think - can't be much fun for them. Anyone else had concerns of this nature?

I had huge concerns about that before I realized my boyfriend (now my husband) had a uBPDmom way worse than my uBPDmom. While it stinks that we don't have a single functional parent between the two of us (we are extremely LC with his mom, moderate LC with mine, his enabling dad died last year, and my escapist dad left my mom years ago but is self-destructive on his own), it is reaaalllllllllly nice that we don't have to explain or justify anything to each other. It also helps us both be gleefully grateful for the health and freedom we offer each other - our new family together is one billion percent better than the families we grew up in.