How do you make a "time out" happen?

[verytired]

What do I say to my uBPDw when I cannot take the rage any longer? Any magic words to use before I just "blow" myself? If I leave the room she just follows me for awhile, then leaves, then comes back to dish out more, leaves again, comes back... . this has gone on for over 9 hours during past episodes. I used to just take it for as long as it went on. I can't do that anymore.

By the way, I work at home and she is home all day as well. There is no breather during these episodes. She can find DOZENS of things that I have done wrong in any given day and makes sure to let me know how incapable I am at ANYTHING. I know it's the BPD, but that does not always make it any easier to withstand.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello verytired, 9 hours? That is like a whole day of enduring verbal abuse. If you work from home, I can see how hard it can be to get away. Have you tried any of the communication tools like S.E.T. to see if they reduce the conflict? I understand that this can be hard if you are in the same house all day, as there is no real breathing room and you do need to make a living. Maybe you can get something from this thread:

How to take a time out

Have you thought about posting to the Staying  Board? Some members there deal with such behavior,.and may offer you some tips. Certainly they can support you.

Turkish

[BacknthSaddle]

Hi verytired,

Welcome to our community; you have found a place where many will understand and empathize with your stories.  I cannot imagine the frustration of coping with 9 consecutive hours of verbal abuse from a partner, and I appreciate your sense of feeling trapped within your own home. 

Unfortunately there are rarely quick solutions within the realm of BPD.  The How to take a time-out thread is an excellent place to start, but like Turkish, I would like to encourage you to spend some time on the Staying Board, reading through others' thoughts and experiences and hopefully posting some of your own.  Here you are likely to find a number of valuable insights as well as some potentially practical tips to helping you cope to the best of your abilities. 

This is a place where you can find tremendous support.  I'm glad you have found this community.


BNTS

[Solechanger]

Hey there very tired, I am also a newbie and just happened to read you post and thought I would let you know that I also have endured what you describe, except from working from home, I could have written that post myself.   My uBPw has spent 8-9 hours in one day telling me how crappy of a person I am and  criticizing anything I do.  Most recently it was about not wanting me to see my Mother on Mother's Day.  Once I told her I WAS going to see my Mom, the problem morphed into how I handled communicated about the issue and it went on and on and  on. 

I too would just "take it" and try to weather the storm. For me I don't even have to do much except stay awake.  Anything I say, she cuts me off, finishes my thought for me in the way she thinks I would finish it and then go into full-on rebuttal mode.   

I also felt completely helpless in making it stop.  She could rage on and be angry at me all day while I was calm and collected and non-escalatory.  It doesn't matter if I apologize, then the apology is not "good enough".  I think of it as water boarding because eventually I will start to say anything I think she want's to hear just so she'll shut up. Of course that comes back to bite me because later I am a "liar" which isn't good but sometimes it's just about immediate survival.

Same with you, if I try to leave she follows me around the house, on this particular day I told her that I hadn't been listening and that I needed to take a 15 minute walk around the block to clear my head so I can listen again and she would not let me, screaming that I was abandoning her.  I went to get my sunglasses out of the car and she thought I might drive off so she just stood behind the car.  When she realized I was just going to walk she ran and jumped on me and gave me a tight bear hug, not in a "I love you kind of way" more like a "I am going to physically control you" kind of way.  I had to walk back into the house with her clinging to me.  She said she'd take a shower and leave me alone... . but she didn't.

Same with you, she yells, gets the last word, leaves and then comes back in for another attack.  Honestly I don't know where she gets all the energy to be so angry. 

I have learned so much about how the constant criticism and blame and devaluation affects your self worth and self esteem and in my case has left me depressed and almost unable to think rationally or make decisions.  It will wear you down brother, I KNOW.  You are not alone.  That's really my message to you.  I am still learning. 

Two days after this episode, she wanted to turn MY Therapist appointment into a couples therapy appt.  She argues on and on 1.5 hours in a hot car after a funeral while I need to get back to work.  Just like the waterboarding, I eventually concede as I can't listen to it anymore and fell "trapped" in the car.  That night I told her that I was sticking to my guns and going to the T alone and I wasn't going to talk about it anymore, she wouldn't leave me alone... .   I was VERYTIRED myself and I had to leave the house to get some sleep and peace.  I haven't been back since (we've been married for 10yrs and together for 15.  It has been 6 weeks. 

So there are other options, but I can relate.  I am working on skills to avoid this in the future.  From what I can see the answer is clearly defining boundaries.  Tell her how it makes YOU FEEL when she does X, and then what  you aren't going to do the next time it happens and then you have to stick to it.  Be careful of intermittent reinforcement. 

Take care of yourself man. This kind of behavior can really wear down your psyche.  I agree with the others, probably the staying board is appropriate for both of us (this is only my 2-3 post and I haven't been there yet), but I just wanted to reach out to you as I have soo been there.  This site is a great resource, and also I have been reading the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book and it has a lot of helpful tips and just general understanding of what might be going on so you don't go completely insane.

-Solechanger

[butterfly2014]

When this happens to me, I put earphones in and listen to music- he becomes a dull roar in the background- then I make myself busy with my hands.  This is the only way I can survive sometimes.

[verytired]

Thank you all for your replies. It does mean a lot to know that somewhere out there are people who understand. I wish I had more time to read and contribute to this board but the BPD eyes are always just a few steps away. I hope someday to be able to offer support to others that are going through this. Blessings to you.