I admit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I admit that i still look for her in the streets. I hope to bump into her. I hope she would contact me from a different number though i blocked hers on my phone. Its crazy when i say that i do hope her to contact me but i dont want her back. She is no good to me.  I am moving in a week or two to a different country with new challenges and a new job. I have to lose this hope cause i can not afford any trouble or down realization when i start my life there. I have to lose this hope before i leave my city.

Any tips ?

[antjs]

I admit that i still look for her in the streets. I hope to bump into her. I hope she would contact me from a different number though i blocked hers on my phone. Its crazy when i say that i do hope her to contact me but i dont want her back. She is no good to me.  I am moving in a week or two to a different country with new challenges and a new job. I have to lose this hope cause i can not afford any trouble or down realization when i start my life there. I have to lose this hope before i leave my city.

Any tips ?

[seeking balance]

I admit that i still look for her in the streets. I hope to bump into her. I hope she would contact me from a different number though i blocked hers on my phone. Its crazy when i say that i do hope her to contact me but i dont want her back. She is no good to me.  I am moving in a week or two to a different country with new challenges and a new job. I have to lose this hope cause i can not afford any trouble or down realization when i start my life there. I have to lose this hope before i leave my city.

Any tips ?

You know, maybe give yourself permission to feel the way you do and just keep moving forward with your life.  As you move, your life will change and she will fade from your mind.   It takes time to process this stuff and focusing on what we think we "should" feel versus what we do feel sets us up to feel like we are failing.

Why do you  have to lose this "hope" before you leave?

[antjs]

I admit that i still look for her in the streets. I hope to bump into her. I hope she would contact me from a different number though i blocked hers on my phone. Its crazy when i say that i do hope her to contact me but i dont want her back. She is no good to me.  I am moving in a week or two to a different country with new challenges and a new job. I have to lose this hope cause i can not afford any trouble or down realization when i start my life there. I have to lose this hope before i leave my city.

Any tips ?

You know, maybe give yourself permission to feel the way you do and just keep moving forward with your life.  As you move, your life will change and she will fade from your mind.   It takes time to process this stuff and focusing on what we think we "should" feel versus what we do feel sets us up to feel like we are failing.

Why do you  have to lose this "hope" before you leave?

I do understand the concept of let yourself feel your feelings cause i have learned it the hard way. I was initially hard on myself.

The problem is that my move would need me to focus and have a clear mind. A new job where i have to prove myself is waiting. Settlin in a new city is hard and it is the first time for me to do so as i am young. Rent a place, car, getting ur way around, lonliness as i am new and strange to this city. Yes i will have the chance to meet new people but it will take time.

[seeking balance]

The problem is that my move would need me to focus and have a clear mind.

I am trying to understand the problem - are you afraid you won't be able to stop thinking about her or are you afraid you will stop thinking about her?

[antjs]

The problem is that my move would need me to focus and have a clear mind.

I am trying to understand the problem - are you afraid you won't be able to stop thinking about her or are you afraid you will stop thinking about her?

I am afraid that i would not be able to atop thinking about her. I have been in nc for 3 months and still i think about her. The relationship lasted only for 6 weeks. I know that there is no specific time for healing but i think i need to move forward faster than this. My therapist told me that i am strong and smart to leave early and he denied me having any issues

[seeking balance]

I am afraid that i would not be able to atop thinking about her. I have been in nc for 3 months and still i think about her. The relationship lasted only for 6 weeks.

What is it that the relationship touched in your soul/gut/core that hit you so hard?

My therapist told me that i am strong and smart to leave early and he denied me having any issues

Do you believe him?

[BorisAcusio]

The problem is that my move would need me to focus and have a clear mind.

I am trying to understand the problem - are you afraid you won't be able to stop thinking about her or are you afraid you will stop thinking about her?

I am afraid that i would not be able to atop thinking about her. I have been in nc for 3 months and still i think about her. The relationship lasted only for 6 weeks. I know that there is no specific time for healing but i think i need to move forward faster than this. My therapist told me that i am strong and smart to leave early and he denied me having any issues

I don't think that you are realistic with yourself. There are members who have been ruminating for years.

[antjs]

I am afraid that i would not be able to atop thinking about her. I have been in nc for 3 months and still i think about her. The relationship lasted only for 6 weeks.

What is it that the relationship touched in your soul/gut/core that hit you so hard?

My therapist told me that i am strong and smart to leave early and he denied me having any issues

Do you believe him?

It touched a lot. I was very vulnerable when i met her. Unemployment, friends leaving my country for economical unstability, my dad became sick, i failed a very important exam in my career. My therapist said that all these factors contributed to my vulnerability and the relationship was the only "good" thing in the horizon. He added that BPDs are so attractive and charmig and anyone would fall for what i have fell for. Also that i was not so much in the fog, was not isolated enough to lose it and that i responded so well during the devaluation phase (it only lasted one week for me and i broke up with her). He denied any codependency issues or childhood trauma for me. I told him that i was not happy with my life before her and he said that i have a phase life crisis that will end soon cause i am travelling and beginning to work and that will get me back on track

I am skeptical but i believe him like 80%. Also my old friends (of 10+ years) say that i was very responding, did not take her ___ and i was strong when i decided to leave. Maybe i invested too much in this relationship and too early. I learned my lessons regarding relationship experience but i am trying to dig deep in myself and reflect concrrning behavior and attitude.

[antjs]

The problem is that my move would need me to focus and have a clear mind.

I am trying to understand the problem - are you afraid you won't be able to stop thinking about her or are you afraid you will stop thinking about her?

I am afraid that i would not be able to atop thinking about her. I have been in nc for 3 months and still i think about her. The relationship lasted only for 6 weeks. I know that there is no specific time for healing but i think i need to move forward faster than this. My therapist told me that i am strong and smart to leave early and he denied me having any issues

I don't think that you are realistic with yourself. There are members who have been ruminating for years.

Yes they are ruminating for years cause they are losing relationships that lasted for years. I have been ruminating a 6 weeks old rs for 3 months now. Maybe i am hard on myself.

My therapist told me that a rs with a BPD is so traumatic even if it was for short time and that i should not expect my reactions, feelings, time to move on should be like any normal break up.

[seeking balance]

I was very vulnerable when i met her. Unemployment, friends leaving my country for economical unstability, my dad became sick, i failed a very important exam in my career. My therapist said that all these factors contributed to my vulnerability and the relationship was the only "good" thing in the horizon.

These relationships do not happen by accident and based on the information you have given, 3 months is not a lot of time to process ALL of the things happening to you.  SHE was a band-aid for your very scared emotions.

Your professional life is not quite back on track, but getting closer.  As you get back on track, she will fade away.

Is focusing on her giving you a distraction from the very real and very scary emotions of moving and starting a new career?  I know there are times when my ex popped up because she was a band-aid at one point that I had similar feelings.

What are you actively doing to retrain your focus from her?  Look at Detachment 5 stages to the right - creative action... . this is your new job and such - I suspect  you will be letting go and moving on soon enough.

3 months for a 6 weeks relationship - in all fairness, you clearly admit you had a lot of other emotional baggage that probably made that 6 weeks feel a lot longer... . be kind and patient to yourself... . good things are coming your way by the sounds of it.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

I'm sorry you're going through this antony_james. Just remember things will get better.

My relationship ended within 4 weeks and I am still reading here after 9 months. Personally, I've been living a happy life with all the friends and relatives and business was about to move to the next level by the time I met my uBPDexgf. For me, I lost my business, reputation and a couple of childhood friends during the time of devaluation as my mind really gone crazy when she painted me black overnight with no fights/arguments or whatsoever the day before.

Frankly I got all the needed motivation only after knowing about this community and reading through the other member's stories every day. After that I've worked on a very big project for an international client and after finishing that I am back to square one.

For me, I think the problem still really lies somewhere within me which keeps me from moving forward. It's like my mind gone blank and I can't concentrate on anything but spending all my time by thinking about how to push her when she comes back.

I remember saying that I'll have to move to another city in our last conversation during breakup. When I think about why I said like that, I found that I can't take the shame she brought within me for letting her treat me like a doormat during the devaluation stage and because seriously this is the first relationship ever in my life as I've always envisioned a character as my life partner and this girl just matched exactly.

As for the hope, I believe every person in the relationship; let it be the dumper/dumpee hopes to speak to their ex one last time. It's completely natural to feel like that. I too felt the same initially but after reading through 100's of stories here and on the WWW, I don't even want to see/hear about her again even in my dream and till the end of my life. Just so you know, my ex is the one who dumped me but guess who called me last month out of nowhere from a new number? Yeah I got the call in an unexpected moment and I recognized as soon as she said hello in that shame/nervous voice she used to speak whenever she did something wrong. I said like I don't know someone in that name before and hung up.

I think the best way to lose that hope is to realize that she is no good to you and understand all the conversations you had with her are drama and not real. It's like a fascinating dream. Their mind works completely different than us. Think of it like a jackpot and all the day you spent with her are simply a dream come true. A dream is always a dream. It's good to see that you're moving to another country which I think will hugely relieve you from all the stress and depression as you're going to live in a completely different atmosphere.

Keep posting whatever comes on your mind. We're all getting better and will soon come to a mentality where we will think like a person like our ex ceased to exist.

[antjs]

I was very vulnerable when i met her. Unemployment, friends leaving my country for economical unstability, my dad became sick, i failed a very important exam in my career. My therapist said that all these factors contributed to my vulnerability and the relationship was the only "good" thing in the horizon.

These relationships do not happen by accident and based on the information you have given, 3 months is not a lot of time to process ALL of the things happening to you.  SHE was a band-aid for your very scared emotions.

Your professional life is not quite back on track, but getting closer.  As you get back on track, she will fade away.

Is focusing on her giving you a distraction from the very real and very scary emotions of moving and starting a new career?  I know there are times when my ex popped up because she was a band-aid at one point that I had similar feelings.

What are you actively doing to retrain your focus from her?  Look at Detachment 5 stages to the right - creative action... . this is your new job and such - I suspect  you will be letting go and moving on soon enough.

3 months for a 6 weeks relationship - in all fairness, you clearly admit you had a lot of other emotional baggage that probably made that 6 weeks feel a lot longer... . be kind and patient to yourself... . good things are coming your way by the sounds of it.

yes you are right. for ALL the emotions to process it needs more than 3 months. i think i am processing all my emotional baggage in the form or the mask of the break up grieve. yes i have learned a lot about myself from the experience with BPD. i have learned that i am too hard on myself. i have learned that i used to blame myself for stuff that is out of my control eg. my dad got sick, and that was wearing off my self confidence subtly over the years. before the ex i used to distract myself by hanging out or whatever, i avoided sitting by myself and process the negative feelings into healing, experience and wisdom. some circumstances just happen and not our fault and we can not fully change them on our own. we either accept it as it is or discard it if we do not have the capability of changing it. my happiness was gone for years because i was not doing so. she appeared to be my saving princess yes. but she turned out to be the demon that tried to crash me more. yes i learned my lesson that i should get happy by myself. that a relationship is a bonus to your happiness not the main source of it.

actually i am not scared at all from this move with the new job. i am happy that effort is paying me back now. one of the things that my therapist pointed out for me was that my goals were all long term and there were no touchable achievements recently that would boost my energy. now it is paying back. i think you have enlightened me to that i am using the pain of the breakup as a mask to process the pain of the last 3-4 years of my life which my therapist described as a phase life crisis. most of this crisis was out of my hands but i kept blaming myself and avoided to process the feelings and i escaped through going out and drinking.

i have noticed changes in me recently while i am interacting with people generally. now i say no without excuses or explanations. now i dont go the extra mile for people who are not close or i do not feel they deserve it. now i am more focused on me and i am trying to begin to love myself more.

i still think about her 24\7. i am done with analyzing her. i do not have any questions regarding the relationship as i know enough info about BPD now that gives explanation to every situation i have been subjected to with her. i just think about incidents with her, how i responded and what does this tell about me. i am asking myself why do you want to bump into her or wait for a contact from her ? is it validation ? is it closure ? is it to prove that you are so good on your own now ? is it that you know her too well now more than herself that you want an eye contact transmitting so ? if the answer is yes to any of these questions then still i need to be patient and learn more about myself and direct myself to where the change is needed. i am aware that i have lost some confidence over the past few years but it is time to get it back. i still cant quiet catch why i want this meet or confrontation.

[antjs]

thanks for sharing THEBPDSURVIVOR

[antjs]

seeking balance can other painful feelings processed under the mask of the painful feelings of break up ? can i feel like missing her while i am not ? maybe i think i ruminate for her but i am ruminating all the baggage and pain ?

[seeking balance]

seeking balance can other painful feelings processed under the mask of the painful feelings of break up ? can i feel like missing her while i am not ? maybe i think i ruminate for her but i am ruminating all the baggage and pain ?

sure - emotions and brains are complex and when we start tapping into them, all sorts of things can flow out.

Unresolved issues - our own traumas (painful, unresolved issues) come to the surface to be processed.  This is the silver lining of these relationships.

As you dig deep, where have you felt similar feelings that perhaps you have not expressed before?

[antjs]

seeking balance can other painful feelings processed under the mask of the painful feelings of break up ? can i feel like missing her while i am not ? maybe i think i ruminate for her but i am ruminating all the baggage and pain ?

sure - emotions and brains are complex and when we start tapping into them, all sorts of things can flow out.

Unresolved issues - our own traumas (painful, unresolved issues) come to the surface to be processed.  This is the silver lining of these relationships.

As you dig deep, where have you felt similar feelings that perhaps you have not expressed before?

mainly during the last 3-4 years. as i said the last 4 years my life took a turn. my country had a revolution. economy down. public mood is down. on the personal level unemployment, majority of my friends immigrating, i was willing to immigrate to australia but i failed the exam to be a dentist there, my dad had 2 heart attacks, other ex had to leave my country and we broke up. i was down like never before. but i escaped the feelings. i ran to my friends with the six packs every night. i ran from feelings. until i met her. she seemed to be (idealization phase) the light at the end of the dark tunnel. she turned out to be a pit to hell. other than problems that i had (most of them are out of my control) i used to blame myself for these problems. now i am trying to reclaim my life back. i learned to let go of what i cant change. i learned to sit by myself and process the feelings, plan for myself a better life cause i should love myself more. the point is the baggage was too heavy and i did not notice, now i am processing all of this baggage and trying to be kind to myself. but i still think about her 24\7. she has this seat in the background of my thoughts. thats why i am astonished and overwhelmed. how can she had this effect on me ! maybe as you said i am processing all the pain of this phase crisis in the image of her. i did not feel that bad when i failed or when my friends left or when my dad got sick.