Learning not to engage

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Yes, I'm making some progress.

Out of the blue, my uBPDmom announced with five days notice, she wanted me to organize the family get-together for Fathers Day and her birthday (all celebrated together). I said "OK", but then she added a condition: no children. I didn't know what to think at first. It was going to be at her home, so I didn't know how to not respect her wishes.

But how could she expect me to tell my sister and BIL that they couldn't bring my nephew6 and niece4? Since I had a busy week, I put it aside and forgot about it. My wife reminded me later, and I thought about it. We both agreed it was a weird request. I finally said I'm not getting between my uBPDmom and my sister... . that's called triangulation. And of course, I wanted the kids there anyhow.

This seemed to blow over on it's own as uBPDmom said nothing when I sent a group email indicating the kids would be there too. In the future, I'll remember this.

Fast forward to the event, and we're trying to order in some food for everybody. So I was appointed to the task of working with all the preferences and dietary restrictions of 7 adults and 2 children. My BIL wanted a couple of spicy dishes in the mix, and I was happy to oblige his Fathers Day request. This triggered a meltdown by my uBPDmom, directly mainly at me. I froze.

All of a sudden it was all about her. To my surprise, my sister scolded our uBPDmom like she would a toddler. This caused uBPDmom to leave the room in tears. But she soon pulled herself together and came back in. Nobody fell for her act.

Well, I made it through without a nervous breakdown 

[isshebpd]

Yes, I'm making some progress.

Out of the blue, my uBPDmom announced with five days notice, she wanted me to organize the family get-together for Fathers Day and her birthday (all celebrated together). I said "OK", but then she added a condition: no children. I didn't know what to think at first. It was going to be at her home, so I didn't know how to not respect her wishes.

But how could she expect me to tell my sister and BIL that they couldn't bring my nephew6 and niece4? Since I had a busy week, I put it aside and forgot about it. My wife reminded me later, and I thought about it. We both agreed it was a weird request. I finally said I'm not getting between my uBPDmom and my sister... . that's called triangulation. And of course, I wanted the kids there anyhow.

This seemed to blow over on it's own as uBPDmom said nothing when I sent a group email indicating the kids would be there too. In the future, I'll remember this.

Fast forward to the event, and we're trying to order in some food for everybody. So I was appointed to the task of working with all the preferences and dietary restrictions of 7 adults and 2 children. My BIL wanted a couple of spicy dishes in the mix, and I was happy to oblige his Fathers Day request. This triggered a meltdown by my uBPDmom, directly mainly at me. I froze.

All of a sudden it was all about her. To my surprise, my sister scolded our uBPDmom like she would a toddler. This caused uBPDmom to leave the room in tears. But she soon pulled herself together and came back in. Nobody fell for her act.

Well, I made it through without a nervous breakdown 

[ThrowAwayChild]

Oh, my gosh.  I am picturing your sister standing over her wagging her finger at her and saying "Now, I told you if you misbehaved you would have to go to time out, little lady.  Now march!"

You said you were surprised about your sister.  Did you talk to her later about it?

[isshebpd]

No, I haven't had chance to talk to her privately yet.

Part of the backstory is stress over childcare, especially with Summer coming. I understand uBPDmom is doing some babysitting which appears to be stressing her out.

I'm going to offer to take my niece and nephew to the park when I can, to kick a ball around or watch them on the playground.

[isshebpd]

To continue:

I really would like to have that level of discussion with my sister. We lived far apart and had little contact when we were young adults (after we both had crazy teenage years), so the bond isn't that great. On some level, we still understand each other though. I most certainly respect her, even if we don't see eye to eye on everything.

She is also extremely busy all the time. Her husband also keeps firm boundaries against my whole family, which I understand, but it feels like collateral damage for me.

I don't know how I feel about my uBPDmom caring for children again (my niece and nephew).