stalking

[hurting300]

Ok guys and gals. My BPD girlfriend dumped me three months ago. Everything was fine before hand. The day before she had sex with me washed my clothes we talked about marriage the whole 9 yards. Next day I get home she's gone! Silent treatment followed. I've not heard one word from her. Now my neighbors are telling me she's been driving by my house. She has to drive far out of her way to do it. It's happened 4 times. It is possible she wants to come back or is she stalking me? Please answer I'm freaking out 

[patientandclear]

I've given something like this answer before so maybe it didn't do the trick  , but:

It seems clear to me that she is ambivalent.  She got scared, she ran.  She doesn't really want to lose you though, and she's trying to keep some connection.  Maybe also trying to remember exactly who you are and what you're like (remember object constancy problems) while she tries to figure out what to do.

Possibly also trying to figure out what YOU are doing.  If her original reaction ended up filtered through her defenses as something like a fear that you would leave her, you would cheat, you would find someone better, she could be trying to figure out if you are still devoted to her or whether you've easily moved on to someone else.

Point is: she is focused on you but too scared to make contact.  Yet.

You are trying to find a clear answer about what she wants (does she want to come back?  well, probably yes AND no) but there may not be one.  Can you be patient while she sorts out where she is with all this?  People with BPD sometimes take a phenomenal amount of time -- many many months -- to re-regulated after their feelings of trust and confidence in a r/ship crumble.  Take however long you think it should take, then multiply by 10 -- it might take that long.  And there are no guarantees of course.  She may always be too afraid of rejection to reach out, unless you can find some way to communicate gently and without pressure to her that she is welcome.  If that is indeed the case.

[hurting300]

Do you think that's why she left things there that I thought she would take? She left some pretty important personal belongings. But this is odd, I have never heard of a breaking up like this. Why would she be so NICE to me right before it? Then just flip and be gone. They must be good at hiding too because I've looked every where for her.

[patientandclear]

Disappearance stories like that one are actually very common on here.  Closeness is a trigger.  Once you understand that, it isn't strange that she'd go from your very intimate day to disappearing.  That drove the stakes way up, and the risk of you hurting her in some way (that has nothing to do with your actual likelihood of hurting her or your actual actions ... . her fear is based on earlier experiences with other people, not her experiences with you).

You said you guys were talking about marriage I think.  So, yeah.  There you go.  Fear of engulfment, fear of loss, fear of you meaning so much that you could really hurt her so she took care of that pre-emptively ... .

You have to understand that the fear is not of being alone.  It's of being left.  If she leaves, you can't leave her.  Do you see that?

Like I said earlier, she may just need a long long time.  If you have any way of sending her a message even indirectly every so often that you'd welcome hearing from her and aren't about to tear into her, that may make it a softer landing for her.

I know this must be driving you nuts.  It's crazy-making behavior.  But no, it's not unusual here.

[hurting300]

You know, sometimes I wonder if I even want her back... . I was catching her in many lies. I even lashed out over it.

[hurting300]

Oh and i think i have too say, In March of this year she ask me to marry her. I believe she left because I was calling her out on lies. I could be wrong.

[christoff522]

Oh and i think i have too say, In March of this year she ask me to marry her. I believe she left because I was calling her out on lies. I could be wrong.

Yeah, the thing is when you're calling someone out on their lies - the go-to response is to leave. Nobody wants to be with a liar, hence leaving before you could leave her.

[hurting300]

Why do I miss her so bad? It's like my whole world is over. I feel like the crazy one replaying it all. My therapist said it's normal 

[christoff522]

Why do I miss her so bad? It's like my whole world is over. I feel like the crazy one replaying it all. My therapist said it's normal 

Relationships with BPDs tend to be more intense than normal relationships. They tend to lead us into emotional extremes, either extreme love and adoration - a need for that person, or extreme hatred and dislike - a sheer disrespect of one another.

It tends to lead to PTSD, imagine being held captive by someone for a length of time, well with a BPD, rather than being held prisoner at gunpoint, it tends to be through manipulation, but it is the same. All those times you had to hold your tongue for fear of losing her, all those times when she would rage - well they all take their toll. Then the suddenness of the breakup. It's traumatic, for you it was out of the blue, for her it was a long time coming.

This is why you're reliving it, because it was so sudden, and because of the baggage left unresolved.

[hurting300]

She only raged once at me. It was mostly inappropriate comments about an ex of hers. But it was the coldness and needless lies. My gut always had a feeling about her. I played detective more than anything. I've never been that way with anyone.