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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am having LC with my uBPDexgf but have kept facebook open as a line of communication because of my son with her.

There have been a few odd things she has done which I can work out but one that baffles me is regarding messages.

I sent her a message wishing her son from her previous marriage a happy birthday. I also asked her to give my boy a kiss from me and tell him I loved him. She hasn't even read the message. I see her pop onto facebook  and then go again but the message remains unread. It has been there nearly 48 hours and she is constantly on and off.

Now I know this may seem a bit stalker like but I am trying to figure her out so I can predict which way she will jump next. So far I have been fairly successful but just cant figure why she would avoid reading a message.

Anyone any insight into this?

[enlighten me]

I am having LC with my uBPDexgf but have kept facebook open as a line of communication because of my son with her.

There have been a few odd things she has done which I can work out but one that baffles me is regarding messages.

I sent her a message wishing her son from her previous marriage a happy birthday. I also asked her to give my boy a kiss from me and tell him I loved him. She hasn't even read the message. I see her pop onto facebook  and then go again but the message remains unread. It has been there nearly 48 hours and she is constantly on and off.

Now I know this may seem a bit stalker like but I am trying to figure her out so I can predict which way she will jump next. So far I have been fairly successful but just cant figure why she would avoid reading a message.

Anyone any insight into this?

[peiper]

From my expeience get some tarot cards to tell what she will do, probably do as much good. With mine I cant tell from one moment to the next. I do know she is hurting right now. Other then that who knows. I do think she will contact again. First thing that I did when she left was delete her from my friends list on FB. It was more of a statement on my part that Im tired of being abused.

[Ventus2ct]

I am having LC with my uBPDexgf but have kept facebook open as a line of communication because of my son with her.

There have been a few odd things she has done which I can work out but one that baffles me is regarding messages.

I sent her a message wishing her son from her previous marriage a happy birthday. I also asked her to give my boy a kiss from me and tell him I loved him. She hasn't even read the message. I see her pop onto facebook  and then go again but the message remains unread. It has been there nearly 48 hours and she is constantly on and off.

Now I know this may seem a bit stalker like but I am trying to figure her out so I can predict which way she will jump next. So far I have been fairly successful but just cant figure why she would avoid reading a message.

Anyone any insight into this?

Yes, I suspect you are not still on her "friends" list?

If not then your message will go into the "other" folder (just right of the "inbox" folder)

So if she looks at it on a mobile device this will not show at all, no notifications etc etc, even on a desktop or laptop you have to actively click onto the "other" to view messages.

It was a feature i noticed when someone tried to send me a message some time ago.

Hope this helps (was king of stalking FB a couple of months ago!)

[enlighten me]

Hi peiper

Fortunately or unfortunately whichever way you want to read it Im in a bit of a unique position.

I didn't know about BPD until a couple of weeks ago and now that I do I realise that my ex wife was probably BPD as well as my ex gf who I have just split from.

The more I have read about BPD the more I have understood. Being able to relate to how my ex wife behaved and how my ex gf is behaving has given me an insight that most nons will if they are lucky never have. Phrases that they both used leap out at me. The hidden confessions where they were trying to tell me that they did something but couldn't bring themselves to say it so posed it in a different way so as not to come right out and say it but to appease their conscience that they tried.

There is a whole pattern that I can now see but that said there are still some points that just plain baffle me. The more I can understand the less damage can be done to me. I can prepare rather than react. my problem is I don't like gaps and uncertainties.

The question of why she isn't even reading a message is to do with which way she might jump next. If its that I don't appear on her radar anymore then the next thing I will expect is her wanting money or something material. If its because she has met someone else then it wont be a shock when she tells me and I can be calm rather that it being a shock and her get a reaction from me. If its that she's guilty then she may try to recycle me.

Some people may find this odd or obsessive but believe me after the hell I went through with my ex wife and the effect it had on our children I would rather seem odd and obsessive than go through that again.

[enlighten me]

Hi Ventus

Thanks for replying. Just checked and still there on her friends list. Another thing that is odd is that with it being her sons birthday yesterday she would normally fill facebook up with pictures. Not a single post about it.

Making me lean more towards new guy already. Maybe even her ex husband. For his sake I hope it isn't. He ended up on anti depressants by the end. He's a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be put through the mangler again.

[peiper]

I understand you completly. Just would hate to see you get hurt further. Before I married mine I had someone tell me she was borderline, I blew it off until this. Ive been doing nothing but reading about this. Its a bad deal. Be safe my friend.

[enlighten me]

Thanks peiper. Im in a fairly good place. Ive realised a lot of stuff and have armed myself with the knowledge that the worst has already happened and there will be nothing that she can say or do that will come as a massive shock.

Now it all boils down to a twisted game of cat and mouse. Where I am one step ahead of her or at least neck and neck.

The problem I had with my ex wife was I reacted. Everything came as a shock. Just as I was getting over one thing something else would knock me back down. I fooled myself into believing she would never cheat so when it all came out the wounds were reopened. I fooled myself into thinking she would come back but she never. I fooled myself into believing there was no one else but there was. I let her take the reins and lead me on a merry dance.

I will not be so naïve again.

[BorisAcusio]

I am having LC with my uBPDexgf but have kept facebook open as a line of communication because of my son with her.

There have been a few odd things she has done which I can work out but one that baffles me is regarding messages.

I sent her a message wishing her son from her previous marriage a happy birthday. I also asked her to give my boy a kiss from me and tell him I loved him. She hasn't even read the message. I see her pop onto facebook  and then go again but the message remains unread. It has been there nearly 48 hours and she is constantly on and off.

Now I know this may seem a bit stalker like but I am trying to figure her out so I can predict which way she will jump next. So far I have been fairly successful but just cant figure why she would avoid reading a message.

Anyone any insight into this?

Yes, I suspect you are not still on her "friends" list?

If not then your message will go into the "other" folder (just right of the "inbox" folder)

So if she looks at it on a mobile device this will not show at all, no notifications etc etc, even on a desktop or laptop you have to actively click onto the "other" to view messages.

It was a feature i noticed when someone tried to send me a message some time ago.

Hope this helps (was king of stalking FB a couple of months ago!)

If there is already a message history between them then it goes directly to the inbox, regardless of the friend list. Facebook unseen extension is another possibility.

[peiper]

I reacted also, many times. The thing is these people dont react normaly. I used to tell mine she was being hateful, her response was dont call me names. I didnt call her a name I gave a decription of her actions. In my case I cant win. So I gave up. All the best.

[enlighten me]

[/quote]
If there is already a message history between them than it goes directly to the inbox, regardless of the friend list. Facebook unseen extension is another possibility. [/quote]
All my other messages have shown up as seen. Unless she has changed something which I doubt as she is not that savvy with technology. She's done it before ignored a message then read it latter that day and its shown up as seen.

[BorisAcusio]

If there is already a message history between them than it goes directly to the inbox, regardless of the friend list. Facebook unseen extension is another possibility. [/quote]
All my other messages have shown up as seen. Unless she has changed something which I doubt as she is not that savvy with technology. She's done it before ignored a message then read it latter that day and its shown up as seen.[/quote]
Well, it could mean that she is trying to avoid being triggered.

[enlighten me]

Lol.

Seeing the post makes me think Im over analysing things.

Just been bugging me.

[willbegood]

You can open a message and leave it as unread on fb. It comes in handy when you don't feel like getting back to someone right away.

[lipstick]

Hi Enlighten Me,

I understand where you are coming from regarding FB behavior. I can share a few of my observations from my own ex. Take from it what you will.

Let me say that I have been getting the Silent Treatment since October of 2012.  When he left me, I immediately "unfriended" both him and his alternate account. I did not want to see posts from him about what he was doing, etc... However, I used the message feature to try and get him to communicate with me. He consistently read the messages, but would not respond. I tried reaching out to him for about six weeks, then stopped completely.

Neither one of us blocked the other one. I believe that he wanted to keep that connection to me regardless of the fact that I was being given the S.T...   And I just couldn't bring myself to block him, either. I wanted the connection, also.  This crap went on for a year. Around June of same year - he began putting up posts that were specifically directed at me. I didn't know this at the time. Then, in December, he began "following" me on FB. That turned into a "Friend Request". Again, no communication of any kind. I ignored him. I guess that upset him and he has now blocked me. Like I was the bad guy.

Now - like your ex - he posts NOTHING. And has not since I was blocked. However, I was told by mutual acquaintances (that know our history) that he has suddenly "come to life" again on FB. And that it is in direct response to pictures and posts of my own. Have I received communication? Nope. I do know that he keeps tabs on me thru his other deactivated account. Probably comes sniffing around late at night to see what I'm up to.

I recently read a response to another member from "Patient and Clear". One of the best members on this site. The response was regarding stalking - but it clicked with me. According to PaC, once a pwBPD has been emotionally upset - it takes them a tremendous amount of time to "regulate". Months and months. Sometimes longer. I think (don't know for sure!) that my ex is slowly starting to see me in a positive light again. He is self-soothing with his posts after seeing my own. He doesn't know how to reach out - so this is how he copes.

Perhaps your ex does notice that she has a message from you. You can hover over the notification and see who it is from without reading it. Perhaps she just can't deal with it right now. Wants to avoid bad feelings. But who can really say? They are so unpredictable. You will make yourself nutso trying to figure it out!

[enlighten me]

Hi Lipstick thanks for the reply.

Ive already done the nutso thing with my ex wife before discovering about BPD. Not going there again.

Im very mechanically minded and have to know how stuff works. Now that I realise my ex wife and ex gf most probably have BPD I have an almost morbid curiosity as to what makes them tick.

There are a lot of patterns in everyones stories. It is almost like they have been created in an assembly line.

Sometimes the most obvious answer is the right one so she probably is avoiding me because of the feelings she is having.

[enlighten me]

Just a quick update. She finally read it 60 hours after I posted it. Now says seen.

Shame the message wasn't read on Saturday as it was wishing her son a happy birthday.