Unsent Letter for ExBPDgf

[blindjoe]

I wrote this to aid in my process of accepting that I ended the relationship, once and for all, and it's time to move on. I don't know if this is triggering or if anyone can relate to what I've expressed, but it's kind of helped me get a handle on things. So, if you want to write a letter to your ex they will never read, post it here if you'd like!

Dearest,

This is for cathartic purposes. No doubt I found you the most attractive of all women who have ever crossed my path, who laid with me, who offered themselves to me. It’s why I dealt with you for so long. I know what I want in someone physically, and you have it. Needless to say, I’ve learned that is not enough. I think you think you’re a good person. I’m sure that helps you rationalize many aspects of your life. I thought it was possible for you to be a good person too, and externally speaking this holds true. Inside, however, I know your chaotic waters have no G-d hovering over them. But, I realize more and more what a delusion it all was! It’s sad to say, but your time as a young hot girl is nearly up, and unfortunately with that so too is your ability to do what you’ve always done: hopped from one guy to the next with ease and little desire nor ability to commit.

Yes, maybe I taught you how to commit to someone. As I wouldn’t put up with any less. But it was unhealthy. You were a ____. I was or became an ____. But we loved each other. I know you loved me. As I loved you. Ha! What does that even mean anymore? However perhaps our experiences of love are quite different, and as yours is dependent upon many factors, not limited to hormonal flux, mine isn’t as complexly anchored in unrealistic expectations. So, while I remained a steady and consistent adherent to what I wanted, you were in a constant state of change, wanting more or less, always more or less. And had no qualms about expressing it. Never properly.

How tiresome that becomes! What a burden it is! When my heart drops in sadness at the memories of you, it is no longer the love I felt exchanged between us which I miss, it is not for fear of forever being lonely either, it’s some odd sexual anxiety surrounding not getting head from you any more, not playing with your ____ while I ____ you, not feeling your ____. undulate as you ____. I have to accept my ____ is no longer going to be in your throat. That’s hard. Because I liked that. But, alas! There’s plenty of fish in the sea, and perhaps a less slutty creature will be better for me in the long run. Not saying you are a slut now, but you certainly were once (hell, I knew it when I first met you 8 years ago and hooked up with you in the same night, and perhaps it’s my fault I overlooked that later on); and I know old patterns die hard - from personal experience.

You’ve basically confirmed my beliefs about you in general (no offense, and I do not hate women), yet you are a prime example of the hypergamous and solipsistic modern woman of which many men gripe. Except you’re slightly if not exaggeratedly and ridiculously worse - where they are neutral you are acidic. It’s your lack of ability to experience love and relationships, I now know. Something I projected into you. What we projected into each other, so different yet so revealing!

I know that our most recent bout of a relationship did not involve nearly as much nor as intense of temper-tantrums, rages, or self-harming incidents on your side (almost none I can think of, save one outburst you had throwing sunglasses out of the window - which you stole, nonetheless & blamed me for doing), but due to all of those prior experiences with you it is clear, 100%, that you have BPD. Which is why it was so hard to let go of you finally. You did make me feel good like a drug, as it was seeing and feeling you and hearing you and touching you after your absences which I craved. Your approval and words of adoration after subtle and not-so-subtle put-downs. And being an addict/alcoholic, it only made sense I’d become codependent or addicted to what abuse you offered.

It was a roller coaster! And I got off the ride. Goodbye little misanthropic girl, you were quite the one, and I thought the one, despite not being the one.

Ever,

Blindjoe

[seeking balance]

Nice Post Blindjoe

Writing the letter (sometimes more than once) really is healthy and can be healing.  I have several versions in my journal from the past and each time, it really is clear to see how much healing I had done.

This really is a great illustration of what stage 1 (detachment stages to the right) truly looks like.

Keep us posted on how you feel as the days to come.  Also, if you are really tempted to send it, feel free to ask for feedback first.

Peace,

SB

[Tausk]

Nice job.  I could relate to most ever word.   I've found myself writing different letters as my detachment process progressed.  And they helped.  I burned them in the fire place along with much of the items, such as cards and note, that I had kept from her.  It hurt, but it was the right thing to do.

I didn't want to keep things out of love, that only I would remember why they were written and only would remember how we felt when they were written.

Same thing with the letter, I didn't want to send a letter that would never ever be understood by my ex.  She doesn't have the capacity to understand.  But I wrote the letter to honor and validate my experiences and feelings.

Still it hurts.  I know.  I don't know if it will ever not hurt.  It certainly will always be sad.  But I do my best to detach and accept today.

Thanks for sharing,

T

[Skip]

This really is a great illustration of what stage 1 (detachment stages to the right) truly looks like.

I have to agree. Its fresh emotion and you're getting it out.  If there is more, write it down, let it out. In any difficult relationship, we hold a lot back to be responsible, and now is the time to let it out.

I'm really just here for some support. Mainly because I am afraid I will return to drinking now that I'm single and no longer have her - to whom I dedicated and devoted much of my time and energy to, for what? I'm rambling at this point. Any input is appreciated or helpful!

I was reading your first post and am really impressed with your personal honesty and your continued efforts to get sober.  Bravo.

There has been a lot of recycling in this relationship and if you both give it another shot, please become a member of the Staying Board and learn the tools and the self awareness needed to stay whole in a caretaker relationship.  The tools really work.  They help us and they provide stability that helps the partner and helps the partner respect you.

No doubt I found you the most attractive of all women who have ever crossed my path, who laid with me, who offered themselves to me. It’s why I dealt with you for so long. I know what I want in someone physically, and you have it.

Needless to say, I’ve learned that is not enough. I think you think you’re a good person. I’m sure that helps you rationalize many aspects of your life. I thought it was possible for you to be a good person too, and externally speaking this holds true. Inside, however, I know your chaotic waters have no G-d hovering over them.

Setting the sex aside, who was this girl to you?  Who / what is she? 

As you reach to be clean and sober, how is she as a partner for a person with an addiction?

[blindjoe]

This really is a great illustration of what stage 1 (detachment stages to the right) truly looks like.

I have to agree. Its fresh emotion and you're getting it out.  If there is more, write it down, let it out. In any difficult relationship, we hold a lot back to be responsible, and now is the time to let it out.

I'm really just here for some support. Mainly because I am afraid I will return to drinking now that I'm single and no longer have her - to whom I dedicated and devoted much of my time and energy to, for what? I'm rambling at this point. Any input is appreciated or helpful!

I was reading your first post and am really impressed with your personal honesty and your continued efforts to get sober.  Bravo.

There has been a lot of recycling in this relationship and if you both give it another shot, please become a member of the Staying Board and learn the tools and the self awareness needed to stay whole in a caretaker relationship.  The tools really work.  They help us and they provide stability that helps the partner and helps the partner respect you.

No doubt I found you the most attractive of all women who have ever crossed my path, who laid with me, who offered themselves to me. It’s why I dealt with you for so long. I know what I want in someone physically, and you have it.

Needless to say, I’ve learned that is not enough. I think you think you’re a good person. I’m sure that helps you rationalize many aspects of your life. I thought it was possible for you to be a good person too, and externally speaking this holds true. Inside, however, I know your chaotic waters have no G-d hovering over them.

Setting the sex aside, who was this girl to you?  Who / what is she? 

As you reach to be clean and sober, how is she as a partner for a person with an addiction?

I know she is not good for me. But, it's very difficult to expect that I'll meet another woman whom I'll fall so deeply in love with. I basically convinced myself that she was the last girl I would attempt to have a "relationship" with, and when I initially got sober a year and a half ago, I always had in the back of my mind getting back together with her. I knew how to, I knew I would. It's hard to explain, I just knew we weren't done yet.

So I contacted her after a few months sober when I felt ready. Within a week we were sleeping together again. She had been going to therapy and hadn't been with anyone in the interim while I was in rehab. I truly thought and could tell she had grown, or believed she had, as had I. When I was drinking our relationship was absolutely horrifying. It was like she used my drinking as an excuse to lash out. It didn't matter how I was behaving, the slightest thing could set her off.

It's hard to put the sex aside. It's how our relationship began. It's basically how it ended too. She was, by all means, everything I find physically attractive. This may sound weird, but the first lucid dream I ever had, which was like a mystical experience, involved meeting her in my dreams. It's like my subconscious projected her as being the ideal sexual creature and I longed for that. But due to our FWB relationship I was hesitant throughout knowing her to ever see her as more than someone to hook up with. But due to really weird circumstances where she happened to, by chance, be living with one of my ex girlfriends, we met again. I slept with my ex girlfriend that evening, then the next day I went on a date with my exBPD. I basically fell head over heels for her within a week.

I honestly feel like me getting sober/clean and being with her was a good thing. I gave the relationship a shot being my true self and experienced things with her without the aid or influence of alcohol/drugs. I think for a while she really did help me with my sobriety, in that I felt desired sober, I had someone to be intimate sober, and I was able to envision a future of sobriety with her.

It seems she may have grown out of being extreme BPD, but still had many of the original BPD traits which manifested in more subtle or insidious ways. I eventually couldn't take it anymore, hence am here, and broke up with her a few weeks ago. I've remained NC.

What it came down to in the end was her repeatedly telling me she didn't want to, couldn't, or couldn't imagine being with me long term. She couldn't see getting married to me. She couldn't see having kids with me. Etc... All things she wants now that she's getting older (she's 2 years older than I am). It's hurtful being with someone who tells you those things. There was a time when the opposite was true, and she'd say she wanted to marry me, have kids with me, get a place with me, etc... .

But basically she found an apartment of her own and was slowly disengaging from me, until finally she said when she thinks of me she doesn't feel joy or happiness or look forward to seeing me, she liked certain aspects of me better when I was drinking, etc... .So I just said screw it, told her we're done, I hope she finds what she's looking for.

Part of me feels like, in relation to sobriety, every day I don't drink over her is a success. So much of my insane drinking previously, when we first were together, was due to her insane outbursts, locking herself in a bathroom with a knife, attacking me, screaming, having tantrums, etc... .

I feel like part of me is finally waking up after this really really long lucid dream.

Again, what a ramble, but I think maybe I answered the question. Thanks for all your responses, this is a great place for support.