I read this thread on L3, about a deep loneliness
after a relationship with a pwBPD. I have been mulling over my reaction to one part that really hits home:
I can best describe perhaps what occurred as heart annihilation.
That pretty much sums it up for me. Earlier this week, we had our weekly session with our MC. At one point he looked at me and asked me what I felt fulfilling in this marriage.
I was unable to answer.
All I could think of was the years of blood, sweat, and (internal) tears.
I said there were a lot of charred parts in this marriage's past, and now that things were a little more calm, I like that.
I had no idea a marriage was supposed to be fulfilling.
At first, after the "pure adorement and why don't we ever fight" phase melted, I used to call myself the house Sherpa as I did all the chores, driving, loading and unloading the car, cleaning the bathrooms in between the line of fired housekeepers, making the meals, cleaning up the kitchen and let us not forget doing all the laundry.
Oh yeah, I had a full time job, she did at first, but stopped as we started to have kids. I thought she would be able to transition from "independent" to " married with children." I was certainly learning how to be a ":)ad." Even took the ":)addy Boot Camp" at the hospital where our first child was born.
Fast forward thru 10 years of blood, sweat and tears.
I feel the deep loneliness right now.
I pretty much feel like a worthless cog in a machine of hate. I feel like one of Fritz Lang's robots in "Metropolis." Some days I feel like a Horn and Hardart Automat (older folks would get it): making all the meals for her to consume, and meals for my kids.
I am
in the deep loneliness while in a BPD relationship.
It's gotta be better on the other side. It is an awful feeling where I am now.
My heart is annihilated. Does it ever mend?