Growing out of it, help me figure this out

[Vexed]

My relationship ended 1 month ago and everything that transpired in the final 2-3 months of my relationship with my BPDgf was different then the previous 2 years of it.  My main question is it possible she was beginning to grow out of her BPD? Can anybody explain what might have been happening?

Story: I'll try to keep it short and concise.

exBPDgf - high functioning yet meets almost all criteria at one point or another in her life other than reckless/impulsive behavior, definitely impulsive just not with sex, drugs, alcohol, or common BPD things.  She is also not a compulsive liar, she only lies on a whim to win an argument. She also doesn't cheat, at least not regularly, only at the ends of her relationship which helps her leave.

Other than that I feel for 2 years we had the typical BPD partner relationship honeymoon phase, gaslighting, constantly breaking up (1-2days max), circular arguments, her emotions are her reality, abandonment issues, she expressed her true feeling maybe 3 times in 2 years, otherwise was silent during any "feelings" talks which happened probably every other day. 3 months ago i broke up with her, but for all purposes we were still together (LDR) we just didnt have the title, which drove her crazy, but she began acting more normal, basically letting the small things go.

Now for the weird part.    In the last 2 months she has ditched not all but many of her BPD traits.  All the same argument symptoms are there but she no longer has the physical ailments, has quit playing the victim, has high self esteem, she doesn't even remember calling me shallow hal, which was a nickname she gave me because she thought she was ugly and fat, she always dated small unattractive men now she is dating guys that are good looking and tall. Her self-confidence is through the roof.

Now even though we were technically not together, even though we were still acting like bf/gf,  she recently told me it's over shes moving on,  at first I argued and she would cry and always end the conversation by insulting me.  But now a month later after trying to get her back she says I was the best relationship she ever had, she loves me but is not in love with me, she wants to stay friends, maybe we could try again in the future, she takes some responsibility for the failure of the relationship, although ultimately blames me saying "You gave up on me", she doesn't bad mouth me like she has every single one of her exes, and she has not cut me off like every other one of her exes who she wont even speak to and hates.  She denies ever feeling ugly or hating herself, What the heck?

Then the icing on the cake after I finally talked her into seeing me I flew out for a few days and stayed with her and when she dropped me off at the airport she cried, looked into my eyes and said "Sorry".  She has never ever told me sorry before.  She could not do it.  It's like she knows the exact formula to make this breakup as horrible as possible for me.  If she just stayed a psycho I could have washed my hands of this r/s.  But now I'm sitting here wondering what if she's changing, it could have worked!

Thanks for any input.

[antjs]

If she is BPD she can not get "well" on her own. Bpd is a serious disorder that needs professional help. Bpds are chameleons. They can pretend but till when ? Emotions will pile inside and then ehen she can not take it anymore the emotions will re-erupt to the surface and burst into your face.

About being "special" that yout ex is still in contact with you while all her exs are out of her life. My ex kept all her exs in the closet for a rainy day. When we broke up she offered me to "stay frienfd". I did not give her a definite answer at that time. Later i confronted her with all her doings and in a second i was spkit black and she gave me the silent treatment. " staying friends" for them is always better 1)someone who will always be there in a good distance not to trigger 2) she could get help without any obligation or common courtsey to give back (u r just a friend) 3) she can use you later when she feels lonely 4) she can get you into triangulation and cheating if she has new supply

[Vexed]

If she is BPD she can not get "well" on her own. Bpd is a serious disorder that needs professional help. Bpds are chameleons. They can pretend but till when ? Emotions will pile inside and then ehen she can not take it anymore the emotions will re-erupt to the surface and burst into your face.

About being "special" that yout ex is still in contact with you while all her exs are out of her life. My ex kept all her exs in the closet for a rainy day. When we broke up she offered me to "stay frienfd". I did not give her a definite answer at that time. Later i confronted her with all her doings and in a second i was spkit black and she gave me the silent treatment. " staying friends" for them is always better 1)someone who will always be there in a good distance not to trigger 2) she could get help without any obligation or common courtsey to give back (u r just a friend) 3) she can use you later when she feels lonely 4) she can get you into triangulation and cheating if she has new supply

So is it possible for a BPD to have such an extended period of high self confidence?  I guess it makes sense that she denies ever having low self esteem. 

[myself]

Different masks to cover what's really going on.

[antjs]

vexed it is not confidence. it is grandiose.

[Vexed]

vexed it is not confidence. it is grandiose.

Ahh that would make too much sense.  Ever since i noticed the cahnge in her self confidence I have got the feeling she thinks she is too good for me, well she's basically said it, pointing out all my flaws, and how shes dating good looking tall guys now. Just not sure why in 2 years I never saw this side of her until now.

[Reforming]

Hi Vexed,

Well done for finding the site and posting.

I think the critical thing is to recognise the distinction between words and actions.


Mine told me many times that she loved me. That I was special. That she would never stop loving me. 

She wasn't lying - she believed it was real but her actions contradicted what what she said. The reality was that it wasn't the kind of healthy, adult love that I really needed

Ultimately our actions define us.

And when I really looked at her behaviour I recognised that her words meant very little. 

The pattern of behaviour during your relationship says everything.

It sounds like you recognised this by ending it. Well done 

The next step is to detach and move forward.

It's hard for lots of reasons that you can explore and understand on this site.

Read, process, learn about the illness and then try to understand why you were attracted to her and why you stayed 

PS If she was genuinely self confident she would't need to make you feel less.

Good look and keep posting

Reforming (slowly)

[BacknthSaddle]

My relationship ended 1 month ago and everything that transpired in the final 2-3 months of my relationship with my BPDgf was different then the previous 2 years of it.  My main question is it possible she was beginning to grow out of her BPD? Can anybody explain what might have been happening?

Story: I'll try to keep it short and concise.

exBPDgf - high functioning yet meets almost all criteria at one point or another in her life other than reckless/impulsive behavior, definitely impulsive just not with sex, drugs, alcohol, or common BPD things.  She is also not a compulsive liar, she only lies on a whim to win an argument. She also doesn't cheat, at least not regularly, only at the ends of her relationship which helps her leave.

Other than that I feel for 2 years we had the typical BPD partner relationship honeymoon phase, gaslighting, constantly breaking up (1-2days max), circular arguments, her emotions are her reality, abandonment issues, she expressed her true feeling maybe 3 times in 2 years, otherwise was silent during any "feelings" talks which happened probably every other day. 3 months ago i broke up with her, but for all purposes we were still together (LDR) we just didnt have the title, which drove her crazy, but she began acting more normal, basically letting the small things go.

Now for the weird part.    In the last 2 months she has ditched not all but many of her BPD traits.  All the same argument symptoms are there but she no longer has the physical ailments, has quit playing the victim, has high self esteem, she doesn't even remember calling me shallow hal, which was a nickname she gave me because she thought she was ugly and fat, she always dated small unattractive men now she is dating guys that are good looking and tall. Her self-confidence is through the roof.

Now even though we were technically not together, even though we were still acting like bf/gf,  she recently told me it's over shes moving on,  at first I argued and she would cry and always end the conversation by insulting me.  But now a month later after trying to get her back she says I was the best relationship she ever had, she loves me but is not in love with me, she wants to stay friends, maybe we could try again in the future, she takes some responsibility for the failure of the relationship, although ultimately blames me saying "You gave up on me", she doesn't bad mouth me like she has every single one of her exes, and she has not cut me off like every other one of her exes who she wont even speak to and hates.  She denies ever feeling ugly or hating herself, What the heck?

Then the icing on the cake after I finally talked her into seeing me I flew out for a few days and stayed with her and when she dropped me off at the airport she cried, looked into my eyes and said "Sorry".  She has never ever told me sorry before.  She could not do it.  It's like she knows the exact formula to make this breakup as horrible as possible for me.  If she just stayed a psycho I could have washed my hands of this r/s.  But now I'm sitting here wondering what if she's changing, it could have worked!

Thanks for any input.

Allow me to enumerate the many BPD traits your ex has not given up:

1) ":)oesn't remember calling me Shallow Hal" - dissociation, or perhaps devaluation, making you feel as if the details of your relationship weren't important, you didn't deserve a nickname, even a devaluing one.

2) "Has high self-esteem:" mirroring the "tall, good-looking guys" she's dating.  Do you really think people with "high self-esteem" make an effort to make others feel like crap?

3) "even though we were still acting like bf/gf,  she recently told me it's over shes moving on" -- she's holding on to you as an attachment, manipulating you. 

4)"at first I argued and she would cry and always end the conversation by insulting me.  But now a month later after trying to get her back she says I was the best relationship she ever had, she loves me but is not in love with me, she wants to stay friends, maybe we could try again in the future, she takes some responsibility for the failure of the relationship, although ultimately blames me saying "You gave up on me", she doesn't bad mouth me like she has every single one of her exes, and she has not cut me off like every other one of her exes who she wont even speak to and hates.  She denies ever feeling ugly or hating herself, What the heck? "

Again, she's stringing you along as potential emergency supply down the road.  She clearly takes NO responsibility if she thinks you "gave up on her."  You have no idea what she says to other people, whether or not she badmouths you.  Perhaps they wouldn't put up with her crap, and she sold this to you as "cutting you off."  Again, the denial is dissociation.

5) "It's like she knows the exact formula to make this breakup as horrible as possible for me"

Yes! Exactly!

Dude, stop doubting yourself.  Morever, forget the BPD stuff for a second.  This woman has made you feel like crap about yourself.  What person who "loves" someone does that?  Think about breakups you have had with non-BPDs.  Did they make you question your self worth in this way?

Nothing has changed.  We all fall victim to these feelings constantly.  Trying to convince ourselves that maybe she is not unhealthy, and maybe the problem is us, not her.  She's the same.  You are lucky.  Now focus on yourself and, eventually, focus on finding a healthy person with whom to partner. 

[Vexed]

My relationship ended 1 month ago and everything that transpired in the final 2-3 months of my relationship with my BPDgf was different then the previous 2 years of it.  My main question is it possible she was beginning to grow out of her BPD? Can anybody explain what might have been happening?

Story: I'll try to keep it short and concise.

exBPDgf - high functioning yet meets almost all criteria at one point or another in her life other than reckless/impulsive behavior, definitely impulsive just not with sex, drugs, alcohol, or common BPD things.  She is also not a compulsive liar, she only lies on a whim to win an argument. She also doesn't cheat, at least not regularly, only at the ends of her relationship which helps her leave.

Other than that I feel for 2 years we had the typical BPD partner relationship honeymoon phase, gaslighting, constantly breaking up (1-2days max), circular arguments, her emotions are her reality, abandonment issues, she expressed her true feeling maybe 3 times in 2 years, otherwise was silent during any "feelings" talks which happened probably every other day. 3 months ago i broke up with her, but for all purposes we were still together (LDR) we just didnt have the title, which drove her crazy, but she began acting more normal, basically letting the small things go.

Now for the weird part.    In the last 2 months she has ditched not all but many of her BPD traits.  All the same argument symptoms are there but she no longer has the physical ailments, has quit playing the victim, has high self esteem, she doesn't even remember calling me shallow hal, which was a nickname she gave me because she thought she was ugly and fat, she always dated small unattractive men now she is dating guys that are good looking and tall. Her self-confidence is through the roof.

Now even though we were technically not together, even though we were still acting like bf/gf,  she recently told me it's over shes moving on,  at first I argued and she would cry and always end the conversation by insulting me.  But now a month later after trying to get her back she says I was the best relationship she ever had, she loves me but is not in love with me, she wants to stay friends, maybe we could try again in the future, she takes some responsibility for the failure of the relationship, although ultimately blames me saying "You gave up on me", she doesn't bad mouth me like she has every single one of her exes, and she has not cut me off like every other one of her exes who she wont even speak to and hates.  She denies ever feeling ugly or hating herself, What the heck?

Then the icing on the cake after I finally talked her into seeing me I flew out for a few days and stayed with her and when she dropped me off at the airport she cried, looked into my eyes and said "Sorry".  She has never ever told me sorry before.  She could not do it.  It's like she knows the exact formula to make this breakup as horrible as possible for me.  If she just stayed a psycho I could have washed my hands of this r/s.  But now I'm sitting here wondering what if she's changing, it could have worked!

Thanks for any input.

Allow me to enumerate the many BPD traits your ex has not given up:

1) ":)oesn't remember calling me Shallow Hal" - dissociation, or perhaps devaluation, making you feel as if the details of your relationship weren't important, you didn't deserve a nickname, even a devaluing one.

2) "Has high self-esteem:" mirroring the "tall, good-looking guys" she's dating.  Do you really think people with "high self-esteem" make an effort to make others feel like crap?

3) "even though we were still acting like bf/gf,  she recently told me it's over shes moving on" -- she's holding on to you as an attachment, manipulating you. 

4)Again, she's stringing you along as potential emergency supply down the road.  She clearly takes NO responsibility if she thinks you "gave up on her."  You have no idea what she says to other people, whether or not she badmouths you.  Perhaps they wouldn't put up with her crap, and she sold this to you as "cutting you off."  Again, the denial is dissociation.

Nothing has changed.  We all fall victim to these feelings constantly.  Trying to convince ourselves that maybe she is not unhealthy, and maybe the problem is us, not her.  She's the same.  You are lucky.  Now focus on yourself and, eventually, focus on finding a healthy person with whom to partner. 

Wow, thanks you for clearing that up, especially the mirroring, makes a lot of sense!