Need input: Going for it all, but not sure if now or later?

[Matt]

Be careful not to propose anything that seems to conflict with your general theory, which is “S needs stability and help with academic and developmental stuff.”

I would suggest that you not propose (though you might at some point have to agree to) any contact with Mom during the school week.  Not to punish her, but to provide S with all the stability and routine which you say he needs.  (And I believe all kids that age really do need stability, especially during the school week, and especially while he is struggling a little.

This is not to say that if she proposes to pick him up and take him to dinner some evening, you can’t agree to that, if you think it’s a good idea.  But most weeknights, you’ll want to establish a routine and follow it.  For my son at that age, it was important to him to fix himself a snack and watch 1 half-hour TV show;  my wife always said “He needs to unwind after school”, which I thought was ridiculous, but once that routine was established it seemed normal to him and it really did work – home at 3:30, snack and TV til 4:00, then homework.  Dinner around 6:00.  More homework if needed, then bath, then reading or TV til bedtime (probably 8:30 when he was 10).

I’m not telling you this is the right routine for your S10, only that there are just a few hours between school and bedtime, and helping him maintain a routine and use those hours well is probably a big part of the picture.  Plus your time is limited – you need to help him, and fix dinner, and do other stuff too.  Adding the chaotic element of Mom time on a weeknight works against this approach;  if she argues for it and the court grants it to her, you’ll manage, but I wouldn’t propose it.

Instead, I would suggest you be generous with Mom time when school isn’t relevant – some every weekend maybe, and more on long weekends, but always home by mid-afternoon Sunday in case he has homework due the next day.

“S10 needs help with his academic and developmental issues, and I believe a solid weekday routine is a big part of that.  I can help him after school every day, and in the evenings if needed.  So I’d like to have the school week, from mid-afternoon Sunday through Friday, focused on that – no transitions between homes during the school week.  On weekends and holidays we can work out plenty of time with his mom.”

I would not propose that S10 gets to decide about the schedule, especially at 13 or 14 – too much pressure on him, and it’s an invitation for both parents to lobby and pressure him, which leads to alienation – a mess.  Instead, leave the issue alone, and recognize that as he matures he will naturally play an informal but big role in these decisions.

My D17 now makes almost all the decisions about her schedule.  We talk about it and I state my views and reasons, but I don’t have to enforce anything, and it’s a long time since I talked with her mother about a specific scheduling issue regarding D17.  Legally it’s our decision but in practice it’s hers.

S16 is a little different – about a year ago I told him and his mom, for various reasons, that I wanted him to live with me full-time during the school year, but he could spend whatever time with her they both work out, on weekends and when I am out of town.  That has worked well – she saw the reasoning and isn’t very attached to him, and he accepted it as the best approach.  But if I had left it up to him I’m sure he would have said 50/50 out of “fairness” – lousy logic but hard for a teenager to get past.

You need to decide what is best, and why, and sell that to the court, and even to your ex’s lawyer maybe.

You might consider proposing this as a temporary measure through the coming school year, and then see how it worked.  That’s what I did with S(then)15 a year ago:  “From now through the coming school year I think it will be best for S15 to be with me during the school week.  He can spend with you whatever time you both work out on weekends and holidays.”  That way, there is plenty of time to get comfortable with the change, and time for you to work out the bugs and make it work.  By next summer it should be clear it was a good idea, and then you’ll have a super-strong case to keep it like that, at least during the school year, indefinitely.