I feel worse than ever. Why?

[sherlock3]

Almost 3 months NC with uBPDxgf and I feel hurt and betrayed. I was feeling a bit better for a good stretch but for some reason the past couple of days I've been thinking about the relationship a lot. I can't quite figure out why it seems to be getting more difficult. I do have to say however, reading everyones stories and circumstances on these boards has been a life saver and has been putting things into perspective for me. I would be in a worse state of mind without this site.

[Aussie JJ]

From my reading I don't know the exact way to describe it but essentially your in grief.  You fluctuate between healing and then back to sorrow.  It isn't a linear process, throw in guilt and everything else, its a natural human process.  Going through this is a sign that your a healthy human being.  Getting their takes time to process everything and work through your emotions. 

For most of us on here its not all good or all bad.  We have the ability to think beyond that.  We don't give up on a relationship overnight. 

[christoff522]

Almost 3 months NC with uBPDxgf and I feel hurt and betrayed. I was feeling a bit better for a good stretch but for some reason the past couple of days I've been thinking about the relationship a lot. I can't quite figure out why it seems to be getting more difficult. I do have to say however, reading everyones stories and circumstances on these boards has been a life saver and has been putting things into perspective for me. I would be in a worse state of mind without this site.

For the past couple of months you've been on the high - peace and quiet for one thing, and the adrenaline rush of finally getting that strength to just say no. You've been feeling on top of the world because you've got your life back.

But now its time for you to deal with the underlying stuff, the hurt, the betrayal, why she could be like that to you? Also that feeling inside of having to get back at her for what she did, and tell her how you feel.

Well, what happened to me at this point was I went back, and I tried real hard to get her to admit how she felt, and we spent 4 days rowing, eventually I vented on her about everything. It WILL NEVER WORK.

Because I went back I very quickly realised just how pointless any contact with her is, it brought every negative emotion back for me and nothing positive. In fact the moment I ended contact with her again I felt relief. Now she's the one making baby steps to communicate with me, and she's painted black in my eyes.

Trust me sir, you do not want to go back. It may take a little longer for you because you don't have it in your face, but if I could go back to the point where I sent that text... I would go back and tell myself exactly what I just told you and with this added encouragement - It has to hurt before it gets better, and... you're doing better than you think you are.

[Frankcostello]

I know how you feel.  My exBPDgf discarded me one day and I never heard from her ever again, it's been over two years now.  I can say that you won't forget her but you will eventually come to a place where you accept what happened and move on.  Looking back I'm actually glad she is no longer in my life and if she ever tried to be part of my life again I wouldn't allow her to be.  I am in a very healthy adult relationship now and I'm happy.  

Don't knock yourself asking why she's doing the silent treatment.  She's doing it and doesn't care about how you feel. It's all about her own feelings with no regards to you or your feelings.  

You will have bouts of relapses, I have those sometimes but now those relapses come in the form of I'm glad I bit the bullet and she's no longer in my life.

You also have to ask yourself whether you would want someone in your life who doesn't care about how you feel.  You absolutely don't want that.  

Focus on yourself and live your life, because she is living hers without caring about you or your feelings.

[Ventus2ct]

Sherlock3, you will go through bouts of feeling great and then the other end of the spectrum, feeling awful. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. Am at 75 days NC and its still very hard at times, yes, I do wish for contact from her but am coming to realize that it wouldn't be any good for me if it happened, sure, it'd feel great for 24 hrs but then it would go back to how it was.

I am fortunate in that she hasn't come to see me or contacted me, she never will.

It is hard to understand how someone who professes to love you can flip a switch and change so quickly, but reading here highlights that this happens all the time. The mere concept that she hasn't contacted me at all in some ways makes me feel better, sure it hurts but also shows me how "shallow" her love was, in so doing also convinces me that she is not worthy of my goodness and or time/effort/love etc etc.

So actually is good. Yes, I miss the dream of her, her hips, her accent, her body, her smile etc etc but someone else can have them now.

I am currently looking at Trauma bonding and trying to understand how that impacted on me and our so say relationship, it maybe worth a look.

I know it doesn't help much but there are positives to be drawn out of these situations, we WILL be stronger in the long run, we are very lucky in that we can process our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We can learn from these situations and hopefully we can make better choices regarding a partner in the future.

We can also find someone with better traits than the last with the added bonus that they will love us like we love them with none of the drama, unfaithfulness, hurt, anger, manipulation etc etc.

And we are also "free" now, hurting but free, just have to push through it, it will get better.

Also I find thinking that there are people out in this world that are a lot worse off than we are currently, cancer, death, wars etc.

I also think that we put ourselves in the position to be used/hurt/manipulated because we have the ability to love and care, to open up etc and this is great when you think about it. What will they do, will they ever be in that position? No, of course they won't, their cycle will repeat, best leave them to it.

I have an aborted due date to contend with on the 28th of this month, my ex and me should have had a lovely boy or girl arrive on that day. Now, I so wish to send a card to her saying I was "thinking of her and to wish she was ok and happy" but I'm not going to, why should I? She couldn't and didn't give a toss about me, so why should I her. She cannot treat me the way she did and expect me to be "nice" to her. Instead i have to grieve on my own, yet another loss, sure it'll be a sad day, but I am expecting it. I shall take some time off work and do my own thing but I will not contact her because she adds "zero" to my life.

It will get better I promise you, just keep on the forum, you are not alone, people here have been through worse and they are a font of knowledge/help/support/answers, in fact they are bl**dy great!

Chin up!

[NorthLight]

It so hard to see any light, in the dark days bro. After my exBPD broke up with me, i didn't sleep or eat in 7 days. The first thing that made me almost smile, was when my friend told me "Well, any relationship you will have after this, will be so easy compared to this roller coaster". I didn't smile, because i didn't want another relationship, or to live... But time heals, and by changing your attitude it may heal you faster.

Try to think about how much you have been challenged emotionally. And how hard it has been to give everything, every day, and still meet so much unstable emotions from the person you have given your life to.

We sit left broken after a BPD relationship. But after the sorrow, we get stronger than we was before the relationship. Just believe that. You do not have the responsibility of this person any more, you are free. And you are strong! The "soulmate from first day, coz u saved her" isn't real love, but mature love between two persons taking care of EACH OTHER (not you take care of ex) is real, and i can't wait to one day maybe experience that type of love.

[christoff522]

It so hard to see any light, in the dark days bro. After my exBPD broke up with me, i didn't sleep or eat in 7 days. The first thing that made me almost smile, was when my friend told me "Well, any relationship you will have after this, will be so easy compared to this roller coaster". I didn't smile, because i didn't want another relationship, or to live... But time heals, and by changing your attitude it may heal you faster.

Try to think about how much you have been challenged emotionally. And how hard it has been to give everything, every day, and still meet so much unstable emotions from the person you have given your life to.

We sit left broken after a BPD relationship. But after the sorrow, we get stronger than we was before the relationship. Just believe that. You do not have the responsibility of this person any more, you are free. And you are strong! The "soulmate from first day, coz u saved her" isn't real love, but mature love between two persons taking care of EACH OTHER (not you take care of ex) is real, and i can't wait to one day maybe experience that type of love.

My friend you speak so much truth. Whilst I could imagine that much of what you say at this time would be gravel in OP's mouth. In time when he comes to true realization that he is better off without his ex, this will be real comfort.

BPD's play on our good desire to help, to care, to love someone. They see our desire and ramp it up to 500% until it becomes poison. I actually feel like my "co-dependence" has been cured because I never want to help anyone again - especially someone with BPD.

If I get an inkling of proof that someone I care about has BPD, I'll run like the wind.

[NorthLight]

My friend you speak so much truth. Whilst I could imagine that much of what you say at this time would be gravel in OP's mouth. In time when he comes to true realization that he is better off without his ex, this will be real comfort.

BPD's play on our good desire to help, to care, to love someone. They see our desire and ramp it up to 500% until it becomes poison. I actually feel like my "co-dependence" has been cured because I never want to help anyone again - especially someone with BPD.

If I get an inkling of proof that someone I care about has BPD, I'll run like the wind.

I feel you bro. I can't imagine helping a "normal" girl either after this, my view of helping and taking care of somebody is so broken at the moment, i almost feel like i can't feel empathy if i ever meet a new girl. I gave her my life, and got left out of the blue, for no reason. I feel so empty.

And yes, the day you start believe that your life is better now, that you have energy to take care of yourself, and she is NOT your life, and you are not existing to take care of her and be her soulmate / saver / shining knight, it might get easier to accept its over, even tho she made me feel so special, important and loved. So believe that my friend, trust yourself