Waffle

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been posting on the undecided board but have been waffling a bit.   We are in day 8 or so of silent treatment after uBPD BF of 6 yrs. disregulated or whatever its called.    Many of his behaviors match the BPD signs but many do not, so it leaves me confused whether there is a likelihood for a sound future or whether its best to part ways.  At first i thought it was depression and anger that could be worked with therapy/meds/other.  I'm using this time to decompress and learn.  Here's some of my observations. Would welcome your feedback especially senior members.  I'm new at this.

I would say 65% of our fights are post issue after he has an encounter with his Xw or children. The other 35% arguments are prompted when I ask for closeness or ask why he ignores/appears to be stonewalling me.   (This latest ST was prompted after a trifecta of encounter with Xw, his children, and I asked why he ignored me all in the same day.  It was a fit to be seen!)

BF states that his core values are "family and friends".  Visits parents weekly. Makes a point to call/visit family members on holidays/bdays.  Always last at event to ensure friends makes it home, are ok with ride etc. Attends all children sporting events. Talks about staying close to where children will live.  However, I've noticed that he dictates and is inappropriately angry and overbearing/controlling to his adult children when he is frustrated.  One of them rarely contacts and he wonders why.   My youngest adores him and he enjoys being a fun figure in her life.

Helpfulness:  Very helpful to those in need.  Fixes things without being asked. Opens doors, especially kind to older citizens and children. Rescuer.

Work observations: Moody, reputation for being a hothead at times.  Has improved over time.

Sports: Walks out on organized sport teams he's been a part of for not liking some comment from other players- both work and church teams.  Eventually returns at a later date and rejoins.

Shares that he is depressed alot, has not sought treatment. Doesn't sleep well. Ruminates. Has not sought treatment.

Paranoid at times- worried who is listening, watching. If it is a sensitive subject, he thinks I am talking loud when I am whispering/lower tones.  Got promoted. Won't show excitement. Worried it will be taken away before it starts.

Black and white thinking at times.  Is working to see both sides but sometimes just can not. Tries.

Has difficulty saying something nice if there is a disagreement. Wants to stay in the black all over.  Needs a cooling off period of a few days before returning to white.

Disengages when a disagreement is brewing. Clams up or leaves.  Likes to throw sarcastic digs but is very very sensitive to any hint of negative coming his way.  Elephant memory on anything negative that was ever said.

And the most concerning to me... Disassociation: 4 events of disassociation in the 6 years.  Watching him talk to people not present or claim something outlandish. Red flag.  Doesn't remember it the next day.

BPDish?

[calmboom]

I have been posting on the undecided board but have been waffling a bit.   We are in day 8 or so of silent treatment after uBPD BF of 6 yrs. disregulated or whatever its called.    Many of his behaviors match the BPD signs but many do not, so it leaves me confused whether there is a likelihood for a sound future or whether its best to part ways.  At first i thought it was depression and anger that could be worked with therapy/meds/other.  I'm using this time to decompress and learn.  Here's some of my observations. Would welcome your feedback especially senior members.  I'm new at this.

I would say 65% of our fights are post issue after he has an encounter with his Xw or children. The other 35% arguments are prompted when I ask for closeness or ask why he ignores/appears to be stonewalling me.   (This latest ST was prompted after a trifecta of encounter with Xw, his children, and I asked why he ignored me all in the same day.  It was a fit to be seen!)

BF states that his core values are "family and friends".  Visits parents weekly. Makes a point to call/visit family members on holidays/bdays.  Always last at event to ensure friends makes it home, are ok with ride etc. Attends all children sporting events. Talks about staying close to where children will live.  However, I've noticed that he dictates and is inappropriately angry and overbearing/controlling to his adult children when he is frustrated.  One of them rarely contacts and he wonders why.   My youngest adores him and he enjoys being a fun figure in her life.

Helpfulness:  Very helpful to those in need.  Fixes things without being asked. Opens doors, especially kind to older citizens and children. Rescuer.

Work observations: Moody, reputation for being a hothead at times.  Has improved over time.

Sports: Walks out on organized sport teams he's been a part of for not liking some comment from other players- both work and church teams.  Eventually returns at a later date and rejoins.

Shares that he is depressed alot, has not sought treatment. Doesn't sleep well. Ruminates. Has not sought treatment.

Paranoid at times- worried who is listening, watching. If it is a sensitive subject, he thinks I am talking loud when I am whispering/lower tones.  Got promoted. Won't show excitement. Worried it will be taken away before it starts.

Black and white thinking at times.  Is working to see both sides but sometimes just can not. Tries.

Has difficulty saying something nice if there is a disagreement. Wants to stay in the black all over.  Needs a cooling off period of a few days before returning to white.

Disengages when a disagreement is brewing. Clams up or leaves.  Likes to throw sarcastic digs but is very very sensitive to any hint of negative coming his way.  Elephant memory on anything negative that was ever said.

And the most concerning to me... Disassociation: 4 events of disassociation in the 6 years.  Watching him talk to people not present or claim something outlandish. Red flag.  Doesn't remember it the next day.

BPDish?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Forgive me if I misunderstand (I've just woken up, and this is pre-coffee )  but you are asking if we think these are BPD traits, or if we think he actually has BPD?

Obviously, he has behaviors that concern you, and those behaviors are more important than any actual diagnosis.  Remember, BPD is diagnosed based upon meeting a certain percentage of a list of criteria.  It's not like BPD is a disease with a specific cure that once diagnosed there is some magic pill or procedure to treat. Suppose he meets only 4 of 9, or maybe he meets 6 of 9.  He still has potentially hurtful behaviors that would make a long term relationship with him difficult.  Has he seen a therapist at all? From what you describe, it sounds like he could stand to talk to one at the very least regarding issues with his ex wife.  Also, may of the communication tools here will help you with him, whether BPD or not. 

I can tell you a few things about BPD from what I have encountered.  The fear of abandonment and black and white thinking are core traits that are quite pervasive and apparent.  For my diagnosed BPD fiance, almost everything is black and and almost all the time.  For her there is bad, really bad, good, and really good.  Almost never any "neutral" or some good some bad.  Any amount of bad and it's all bad. The fear of abandonment kicks in any time I do or plan to do something without her.  Could be as simple as getting out of bed before her in the morning.

I'd suggest (if you haven't already) taking a look at the lessons to the right of this page.  Generally, it would be a better approach to validate his emotions rather than to question his emotions.  So, if he seems in a bad mood and withdrawn after dealing with his ex, start by validating how he feels, or appears to feel.  "Honey, you seem a little down.  I know dealing with an ex leads to all kinds of emotions.  Is there anything you want to talk about, or do you just need some space?"  He may open up, or he may ask for space.  And if he wants the latter, you can say, "okay, just let me know if you need anything," and give him space.

[calmboom]

Thanks for the post maxsterling.  When I posted this I was feeling anguish about the silence. Guess I was looking for input on whether it was obvious that i should give up or whether i should hold tight until there was some news or further clues.  In my calmer mind, I can logically understand that I don't have to wait for anything from him.  I could take my own assessment and make a choice.  But emotionally, not so easy - not yet. 

I have practiced validating his emotions in the past and it usually works well when I am fully aware of him and his needs, putting aside my own.   I humbly have some 'emotional type' need requests or inquiries from time to time. Nothing big or outlandish in a regular relationship.  But here, these are the times I notice the most mood volatility on his part.   

[waverider]

Do most of the issues arise when he feels like he is being asked to "please explain"?

Does this causes him stress and go into a defensive mode by blaming, or deflecting the issue, even shutting down?

Does he display "victimization" behavior?

[calmboom]

I would say most of our issues arise in the two following ways:

1. He is already stressed from an encounter with xw, children, work, and I come along looking for closeness. 

2. When when he seems zoned out or depressed on our night off, a night we planned together in advance without other obligations.  I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for him to be engaged in the moment with me, devoid of all the business, kid issues, etc of life.  This probably triggers some kind of expectant stress on him.  I'm not trying to pressure him because in my mind we had already planned the time and "he isn't coming to the party" in the emotional sense.  If it happened occasionally, I think I would get it as "stuff happens".  But it seems way too frequent now.  Sometimes I think it would feel better to me if we didn't plan anything and let the time be what it is, then I wouldn't feel as much disappointment.  We have had many circular arguments on this over the years.

[waverider]

I would say most of our issues arise in the two following ways:

1. He is already stressed from an encounter with xw, children, work, and I come along looking for closeness. 

2. When when he seems zoned out or depressed on our night off, a night we planned together in advance without other obligations.  I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for him to be engaged in the moment with me, devoid of all the business, kid issues, etc of life.  This probably triggers some kind of expectant stress on him.  I'm not trying to pressure him because in my mind we had already planned the time and "he isn't coming to the party" in the emotional sense.  If it happened occasionally, I think I would get it as "stuff happens".  But it seems way too frequent now.  Sometimes I think it would feel better to me if we didn't plan anything and let the time be what it is, then I wouldn't feel as much disappointment.  We have had many circular arguments on this over the years.

I think a lot of this comes down to lack of regulation. Even though they can switch on and off rapidly, it seems as though they have little control over when and where. Hence deciding to leave work/previous drama behind and relax in the moment is near impossible. Add in your expectation and that just becomes a trigger to blame you for it.

You will find pwBPD completely ruining what should be quality leisure time is a common theme.

You may find you need to be more flexible and make the most of times when they are in a favorable mood rather than trying to impose it.