Being dumped before devaluing and immediately after emotional intimacy

[Depression = 72% of members]

We're any of you dumped before you even reached the devaluing stage? She practically stalked me for two months until I gave in, then after an amazing few weeks culminating in an incredible night of emotional intimacy in which she talked about our amazing connection and looking forward to the Coming months and years that we would get to know each other so well, she dumped me the next day. She said she woke up feeling bad, going in and out of consciousness all day, having anxiety and panic attacks and just wanted to be friends. Less than a week later she met a new guy and moved him into her house.

Is this common? As much as she was into it, after that night of intimacy I would think she would at least try to continue even if she began devaluing?

[shellshocked75]

We're any of you dumped before you even reached the devaluing stage? She practically stalked me for two months until I gave in, then after an amazing few weeks culminating in an incredible night of emotional intimacy in which she talked about our amazing connection and looking forward to the Coming months and years that we would get to know each other so well, she dumped me the next day. She said she woke up feeling bad, going in and out of consciousness all day, having anxiety and panic attacks and just wanted to be friends. Less than a week later she met a new guy and moved him into her house.

Is this common? As much as she was into it, after that night of intimacy I would think she would at least try to continue even if she began devaluing?

[BacknthSaddle]

I think there are plenty of variations on the fundamental pattern. Near the end for me, there would be aback and forth between idealization and devaluation, with devaluation steadily predominating. Probably both were present throughout, with a gradual shift in the balance. After the break-up though, when she wanted to "be friends," the devaluation really ramped up in intensity, and she truly had nothing positive to say about me at all ("her best friend".

[heartandwhole]

Hi shellshocked75,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.     That kind of abrupt leaving is so painful.  A variation of that happened to me – more than once – and it was devastating, every time.  And I hadn't seen any devaluing at all.

Unfortunately this sudden leaving isn't that uncommon, as you have seen on these boards, but that doesn't mean that all people with BPD do this, either.  Someone with BPD has a deep fear of abandonment AND closeness, so it is not unusual for him/her to pull away after being very close to a partner.  The closeness triggers engulfment/abandonment fears and a kind of emotional panic follows.

Naturally it feels very personal, but this behavior is a defense mechanism, and it almost always happens with anyone who gets very close and intimate with pwBPD, unless and until the person gets help managing the emotional dysregulation.

How are you coping shellshocked?  What self care are you practicing?  Do you have supportive friends and family to lean on?

Keep writing, it helps to share your story.

heartandwhole

[Emelie Emelie]

Shell shocked that is exactly what happened to me at the beginning.  We were intimate for the first time on a Thursday, second on Friday, then he disappeared on me for two weeks.  A long story emerged about that and I finally reached out and we got back together.  But had I not, we wouldn't have.