Leaving versus being left

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a simple, yet important question for this board.  How many left their former partners with BPD as opposed to being left by them?  I find that so many people on here didn't pull the trigger for whatever reason, and I'm curious as to why or why not.

[iluminati]

I have a simple, yet important question for this board.  How many left their former partners with BPD as opposed to being left by them?  I find that so many people on here didn't pull the trigger for whatever reason, and I'm curious as to why or why not.

[blindjoe]

I have a simple, yet important question for this board.  How many left their former partners with BPD as opposed to being left by them?  I find that so many people on here didn't pull the trigger for whatever reason, and I'm curious as to why or why not.

I left her. I actually left her multiple times throughout the years. But always went back or took her back. But this last time was it for me. Done. NC since.

[Popcorn71]

He left me.  Although looking back I should have left him a long time before.

I thought about it sometimes, but I had made my marriage vows and wanted to keep them.

However, I think he may have been trying to make me leave him.  His behaviour became totally unnacceptable and I think he was getting worse in order to push me to my limit so I would dump him.  But I foolishly held on until he eventually found a replacement and dumped me instead.  I sometimes wonder how bad he would have been if he hadn't found the replacement and we were still together.

[hurting300]

She left me. Came home and she was moved up. She took our baby and ran. Silent Treatment Abuse since.

[Emelie Emelie]

He left me.  Both times.  I stayed because I loved him.  And 90% of the time the relationship was good.

[blissful_camper]

I left him.  I left because there were so many problems that were repeating themselves (no solution) combined with emotional abuse. I couldn't take it anymore.  I left him a year ago, this month.

[Emelie Emelie]

I so wish I had left him.  Or not gone back to him.  At least there's some strength and power in that position.

[Vatz]

I didn't pull the trigger because of malignant hope.

But when she did, it really opened my eyes.

Probably better this way though. If I left, I'd still torture myself with "what if I had stayed? I'm throwing something wonderful away." Yup. So, her leaving me helped me realize that maybe she wasn't all-in with this relationship. Which is fine, it's not something I can change.

I tried to accommodate, but it was never enough. Her fear of being abandoned, so many times she would tell me "don't leave me." In the end, she abandoned me.

But again, I don't feel like I'm walking away from something I care about. I'm more likely to recycle if *I* left. I would have tried to recycle if I walked. I should have stayed NC since last year when things got bad and we split. Somehow, I was the one who had to prove I was worth going back to, Christ.

[Hopeless777]

I left her after 27 years together. I just couldn't take it anymore. The DV on me, the police, the throwing things, the screaming and rages, the piling up of my clothes, the stealing of office equipment, the demands that I leave, the screaming that she wants a divorce... .at least dozens of times. I was recycled at least 3 times in the last year. I tried and tried and tried, but couldn't do it any more... .so I left and have been devastated since. 8 weeks now. Now she starts with the lawyers for spousal support, even though I still pay ALL the bills. How much is one person supposed to take? I just don't get the irrationality. Oh yeah... .she has BPD. Duh!

[Tausk]

I left but really didn't want it to end.  Just wanted some peace.  So I tried the friend thing with boundaries, and instead was betrayed and cheated on as a result of my ex being triggering from my setting boundaries and the fear of her being abandoned.


It's always easier to leave than to be left.  When we leave, we move forward to something new.  We we are left, all that remains is the vold.  And if our entire essence was wrapped in our ex, our ex's leaving basically left a void in our entire being.

Regardless, never go back. 

[iluminati]

My experience was a bit different from everyone else's in a number of ways.  For one, once I pulled the plug, I had no regrets.  Two, I both knew of my ex-wife's diagnosis, knew of the proper treatment and was able to access treatment relatively quickly into the relationship.  When my ex was diagnosed, we had been married ~2.5 years and been together 3.5, with symptoms not really being obvious until a couple years into the relationship.  Because of that, I knew what I was dealing with, knew how to deal with it and knew how things were supposed to work out.  Three, I found this board the day of her diagnosis (or more accurately 2 days later, as the board was down for maintenance on the actual day).  Therefore, I was able to get support quickly and had a plan of attack for saving the relationship.  The collective wisdom made it a lot easier to communicate, and gave me a plan for dealing with my own issues, which ultimately included therapy for myself.

Without getting into the specifics of my relationship, I knew that based on her actions, I knew that my ex wasn't likely to get better.  My first emphasis was to fix my life, get my stuff together, then see what happened.  Then, I consulted counsel as to my next move, and I was advised to get my financial house in order, which was harder than it sounded.  When things finally started to turn around, I started doing my homework as to law in my home state, how to plan things, what are the major issues and so forth.  After doing a lot of homework, planning and reaching out to friends and family, I pulled the trigger.

I think it was easier for me because I didn't just wake up one day in frustration and leave.  The fact that it was a thought-out, dispassionate process did me a lot of favors in terms of being able to let go.  I was able to send in those papers on my own terms, though dropping them in the mail wasn't my idea of fun.  There was a reason I went to a post office nowhere near my own house to do it.  I was able to leave with my head held high and move on with life.

[toomanytears]

He left me.  Although looking back I should have left him a long time before.

I thought about it sometimes, but I had made my marriage vows and wanted to keep them.

However, I think he may have been trying to make me leave him.  His behaviour became totally unnacceptable and I think he was getting worse in order to push me to my limit so I would dump him.  But I foolishly held on until he eventually found a replacement and dumped me instead.  I sometimes wonder how bad he would have been if he hadn't found the replacement and we were still together.

I had a very similar experience to popcorn's. He dumped me but tried to make it look like I dumped him.

He said he wanted to leave because he didn't love me anymore. I took my chance, finally, after years of wondering how on earth I was going to extricate myself and said: OK go then. He left but soon found it unbearable being alone and started to blame me for throwing him out on the street etc etc. I said: OK come back and we'll work it out. He refused saying he was afraid for his personal safety with me.  It became very confusing. During the break up one of the things he said was: I'm not a philanderer.  It took six months for the penny to drop. Why did he say that? D'uh. Because he was a philanderer of course! So like you, I held on for years - 31 in my case - trying to make things better, reading all the books, practising validation etc.  Now I strongly believe he's had affairs on and off for years. It explains why he periodically accused me of being unfaithful - even at the most preposterous times, like when I was 7 months pregnant.

I now know that things would have only gotten worse between us and continued for the rest of our married lives. His dad is 90 and still philandering!

Popcorn, perhaps it was inevitable that that your ex would find a replacement... .and that replacement will one day be replaced... .

Illuminati - well done for spotting the red flags, finding this site and making a swift exit. I hung on in for 28 years, by which time I was pretty co-dependent. Therapy has helped me to detach but it's hard and I still miss him terribly in weak moments. But on balance I am much happier now that I have been for a long time.

BPDs have a horrible disorder - they will never be happy.

[AwakenedOne]

I have a simple, yet important question for this board.  How many left their former partners with BPD as opposed to being left by them?  I find that so many people on here didn't pull the trigger for whatever reason, and I'm curious as to why or why not.

My wife left.

I stayed with her because of the wedding vows. Also she cried and begged me not to leave her often while she told me how sorry she was. Hard to leave someone who is crying and asking for forgiveness. The tears got less and less though and finally disappeared and then she tossed me away like trash.

[NorthLight]

I didn't pull the trigger because of malignant hope.

But when she did, it really opened my eyes.

Probably better this way though. If I left, I'd still torture myself with "what if I had stayed? I'm throwing something wonderful away." Yup. So, her leaving me helped me realize that maybe she wasn't all-in with this relationship. Which is fine, it's not something I can change.

I tried to accommodate, but it was never enough. Her fear of being abandoned, so many times she would tell me "don't leave me." In the end, she abandoned me.

But again, I don't feel like I'm walking away from something I care about. I'm more likely to recycle if *I* left. I would have tried to recycle if I walked. I should have stayed NC since last year when things got bad and we split. Somehow, I was the one who had to prove I was worth going back to, Christ.

same here, I didn't leave because of the hope she gave me, that things will get better. after years of begging "please don't leave me, you are my whole life, and the only reason I am alive", she suddenly abandoned me, when her life finally started to become better (because she started meds).

[iluminati]

Illuminati - well done for spotting the red flags, finding this site and making a swift exit. I hung on in for 28 years, by which time I was pretty co-dependent. Therapy has helped me to detach but it's hard and I still miss him

It's one L in the name, not two.  Pay attention.

In my case, it wasn't a case of red flags as much as 1) my ex attempting suicide, 2) me taking her to the ER and 3) 4 different mental health professionals at the partial hospital program of a large teaching hospital diagnosing her with BPD.  Also, I wouldn't call 3 years and change from the initial diagnosis to me filing papers to be a quick exit.  I don't know how I would have managed for 28 years.  I would have gone insane.

[goldylamont]

i initiated the final breakup after 4 years. and also initiated a short break of about 2-3 weeks around 2 years into the r/s. i didn't plan mine out. and at the time had no idea about BPD, never heard the term 'emotional abuse'. i just had a strong intuition that if i stayed she was going to try and put me through a meat grinder (emotionally). so i made the call even unexpected to me. afterwards really started doubting my decision, but after a while realized that i was so fortunate and lucky. by taking initiative i was able to stop her from achieving her ultimate goal of cheating* and then breaking up with me first.

* i'm not sure if she cheated and after going through her phone/email/social media i couldn't find hard evidence of this, but still there's no way to know if she cheated or not. regardless i think this is how she truly wanted the r/s to end 'on her terms'. so me initiating cut her off from her normal m-o. yet, it didn't stop her from putting me through the meat grinder afterwards  nothing will stop them from this, it's what they thrive off doing.

[Aussie66]

I so wish I had left him.  Or not gone back to him.  At least there's some strength and power in that position.

I sometimes think the same but then there would be the doubts about what you had done. Could it have worked? She left me. Several times.  Maybe I should have had firmer boundaries too and it hurts but at least we know. Hopefully the strength and power come from what we grow into

[Infared]

Mine left me after 5 years. Found a new hero to idolize in that childish way and turned into the meanest, cruelest monster that I ever encountered.  It's  shocking, the personality change, lacking in any type of love, warmth or empathy.  It was so hard to understand. I still don't understand it completely, or I would not be coming here. Knowing that someone is sick, for me, did not make it hurt any less.

[Overbeck]

Nearly every one of our breakups was me leaving. To be fair, she was pretty much out the door anyway. I just was the one who offically cut it off.

Given that I know she was seeing someone else for a long duration of our relationship, she could have been ready for me to say the words for a long time.

[refusetosuccumb]

I left this time.  I left due to him cheating again, after we were already trying to repair our r/s from his last affair (I only have proof of 2 but affairs are like mice... .when you see one you know there are many many more... .).

He left me last year for his affair partner.  He actually did me a favour by doing that - all my Fear from before dissipated once I knew I was just dandy on my own.  Even when I gave him a final chance, I knew in the back of my head and heart that not being with him wasn't the worst thing in the world.

I stayed for 16 yrs, why didn't I pull the trigger sooner?  Hope.  Thinking he'd get better.  He was an ass but not 100% of the time.  We had some really great times, made 2 terrific kids.  He hadn't broken any marriage vows up until then and I take my vows very seriously.  I didn't get married to get divorced, but I also didn't ask to be cheated on.

[Ventus2ct]

I got to a stage where i was going to leave/end it, this of course provoked much needed effort from her so stupidly I thought I'd give it a go, I was desperate at this stage for it to get back to how it was. Big mistake, she obviously have a lovely week and a half then pulled the plug via text after being normal in the morning, text arrived 2 pm.

Gone, I did try some e-mail exchanges a week after which was met with the usual nonsense, cold, critical and almost happy that she was free type attitude, almost like she was pleased with her efforts.

Never spoken, seen or contacted her since and nor has she made any effort. She has her due date soon 28th of this month, I even doubt she will contact me for that.

It just proves even more to me how "shallow" her supposed love for me was, this was a girl who professed, true love, marriage, children, happy ever after situation.

Trouble being the "honeymoon" period was over and she had no depth to continue a proper relationship.

Instead preferring the "bright lights" of another Honeymoon with someone else. Unrealistic to expect a relationship to remain in Honeymoon phase for ever.

I am sure had I dumped her first, things would have been different for me, but I will never know

[free-n-clear]

Affairs are like mice... .when you see one you know there are many, many more.

   Ain't that the truth. I pulled the trigger after she gleefully rubbed my face in the fact that she was screwing my (then-)best mate. I'd foolishly forgiven an earlier infidelity in the hope that forgiveness would counter-act her fear of abandonment. All it did was diminish me further in her eyes and give her the green light to keep screwing around. I'm now aware of other earlier infidelities that I wasn't aware of at the time. Half the guys in town have been through her.   

[razemarie]

I left as well.  It's been 4 months since I went LC (we have a 3 year old son together).  He used to constantly threaten to end the relationship and would shut down and disengage on a regular basis.  I finally left when I realized nothing was ever going to change.  It's been the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

[amigo]

In my case it wasn't really clear.

During the 6 month r/s I very often thought I would end it soon, even set dates (after our trip together) and told friends about it.

The r/s exploded when he broke into my e-mail (and probably read the mails to my friend about thinking about breaking up) and posted damaging stuff online.  After that I thought for sure I am done. When he came back on his knees days later and begged me to take him back, I said I needed time and wasn't sure. Then he wanted to talk one more time, but when I didn't accomodate him (he wanted to meet at night, I wanted to talk during the daytime) he went silent. I confronted him one more time and he ended up sending me a lenghty e-mail, which he ended with "I do not love you. Good Bye" (2 days after telling me he would never be able to say that he doesn't love me... .) So in the end he broke up.

The one recycle we just did, never really officially ended. He just sort of disappeared again. I am tempted to make him say that it is over, but at this point, I know, that even if he says so, it means nothing. He will resurface when he wants to resurface, and say that he still loves me or whatever. Saying we are broken up, may help me go N/C, it did the first time around. But at this point, I cannot take anything that comes from his BPD mouth for certain. And that's what makes it so hard.

All I know now is that it will not work. And that, in my case, the question "who broke up" cannot be anwered clearly. As far as leaving, I know it will have to be me. He will never leave. Even if he gives me the ST right now, he will always have me on his merry-go-round, unless I decide to get off.

[Lion Fire]

I asked her to leave my family's home while we were on holiday. I kicked her out, even packed her bags and dropped her at the train station.

There was a mini recycle 4 days later where we went away for a weekend. She left after three days and came back after 2 hrs.

It was over for me then. I slept in another room and left the next morning. we went our separate ways. I gave her no opening whatsover from then despite her coercion and games. She has tried various charming attempts since then but I haven't taken the bait once. I have left the country and she is blocked on all avenues. She reached out to my family too.

I left her as far as I'm concerned I left her and that gave me my power back. I had to protect myself and it probably suits her professional victimology. To be fair, I knew that if I had stuck around I would have been dumped and run ragged so it was self preservation. I jumped 

[amigo]

Good for you that you jumped. I am just gathering the strength right now to do the same.

It shouldn't be so scary to get off that rollercoaster. I don't even like rollercoasters... .

For self-preservation, like you say. I must do it.

[AlonelyOne]

I stayed... .


Because

a) we had children

b) I loved her, she was my first... .

She decided to leave.  She has since repeatedly exclaimed the divorce is what I wanted, that I didn't want her, and claimed to friends and family that she is a victim of abuse.

Irony, I never used physical force against her in all the years of our marriage. Something she cannot say. Nor was it me always yelling, criticizing, demeaning, calling names or giving the silent treatment, interspersed with a couple days of exhuberancee every few weeks.

So no, I am not the one who left. Yes, my eyes have opened; truthfully, they were already opening prior. 

One thing I've heard and read a lot is that BPD are fearful of abandonment or of you leaving. I really don't feel this to be the case.  Rather, I feel that it is more so a fear of losing control.  If they feel they've lost control over you, than they'll be more prone to leave. It's all about the control.